Dad, 91, lives at home and has had care helpers for 6 years.We employed full time help 2 years ago to take any burden off his wife. Dad has LTHC and we supplement the remainder. With his ALZ/dementia he is incredibly unique. Still does his own hygiene, plays cards, goes shopping etc. His spouse of 32 years moved out 8 weeks ago into her place in an adult community( 6 miles away) as she wanted to live her life to the fullest. She is 90. She was reported to PS 8 months ago for elder abuse and constantly made life difficult for all the caregivers and picked on Dad frequently .We had to employ a geriatric care manager for a year just to keep the peace between the caregivers , her family and our family.For a few years she had wanted to move Dad into a facility and we refused. Their are 6 kids in our family and we all take turns visiting , staying and helping. She also spent very little time with him while she was in the house. We are relieved she is no longer around . Forget the "for better or worse" as it does not exist here. Things have resumed to a nice steady schedule and Dad is very relaxed and almost better. But... she dictates to us that she can come and go as she pleases. She was added to the title of the house when Dad remarried (after Mom's death) and yes they are still married.She left tons of her items and stuff all over the house. Two bedrooms she occupied are left in shambles and Dad is always looking in them and wondering what is going on with all the mess. When she pops in and appears she causes agitation and confusion.Dad can't figure out where she is going and why she is leaving all the time. She is the one who went and told Dad she was moving out to live her life, yet we do not discuss it with him using those terms. His doctors currently are in agreement that we just keep saying she is away visiting family. Yesterday she arrived to move a few more bags of stuff and then told him she was leaving for Florida for three weeks. He became upset again and has stated she might as well just not come back. This leaves the caregivers with trying to distract. re-direct and cheer Dad up. What can we do ? He lives in Pennsylvania. Does Dad have any rights or must this be the way he exists ? We do not have a good working relationship with her family. Thank you.
I think Anne has very well articulated her position, much more so than many people who post here with rants and raves and can't even answer questions.
I suppose many are putting themselves in the position of the second wife, which is understandable if that experience is part of their life.
The bottom line is that the man in question is her father, and she does have a right to protect him and be concerned for his welfare, which doesn't seem to be the concern of his wife. Maybe it's only been a short time, but based on what Anne is reporting was said by the wife and her family, I think Anne is wise to be proactive in this situation.
I have seen all kinds of rather goofy posts on this forum go on with hundreds of entries without these demands for verification. Anne asked a simple question. Whether she's an evil,stepdaughter or not is not the issue. Her Dad is being upset by his sort of ex wife. This is clearly happening. I don't need any more verification.
It is a credit to this woman that she hung on for 32 years. I can tell that this one step kid has no love lost on her. It sounds like the animosity has been going on for many years, despite the yada yada of saying "they" were trying to stay out of things.
It sounds like the kids have everything under control now and the woman is just coming in and out of her home when she needs something. And this is even resented. Brother!!
It would be ideal and is a thought that he should move to a place where she does not feel ownership. It is an additional expense though and so maybe the available funds would be better spent on his care at home. He has lived in this house for 46 years and we are hesitant to change that familiar surrounding. He is not in a wheelchair and is quite mobile . Does he need the additional mental confusion of a missing spouse and an unfamiliar surrounding? I wish I knew.
And just to be quite clear on the math and length of marriage, there is no objection to her traveling....both of them traveled extensively together for many many years. She continues to travel as often as she wishes and has never needed to worry about who is taking care of her husband.Ever. Based on what I read here other caregivers would give anything to have 3 hours once a week of respite time versus 3 weeks every 2 months.
She has three children who made a decision to move her out after she was reported to Social Services . The caregivers had to report her abusive behavior of Dad to the company who they work for, who in turn notified us. We had been informed that she was frequently pushing him, pulling him, denying him a nap and hiding food. Her families reaction was they didn't care if she went to a Hampton Inn...she was moving out. Her family , by their own admission, has admitted that she was always difficult to live with and refer to her as the Queen Mother. There was never any intent for her to be a mother to a "widower with six kids"...our ages were not those that needed a hands on mother.
Companionship and love is certainly a necessary component of a life at all stages. Was Dad's life better because he had that? Of course.
Do I have any reason to believe that my own Mother, married to Dad for 35 years, would have acted differently or the same? Every bit of my defense mechanism would want to tell you of course it would be different, but the only proof I have is what I observed . I was 33 years old when Mom died and 34 years old when he remarried. I can share this story though.....I never heard my Dad or Mom say they would call their lawyer if they didn't like something or get their way. After about a year of this second marriage we all heard that thought said quite frequently by him when he was concerned about how she would react to something done or said. She teased ...or was it threatened...with that statement of calling a lawyer.
Is it wrong to request that a spouse, who states she made an active choice to better her life and move out ,who told her spouse that she was going to move on and live her life, be asked to consider that her visits are detrimental to the the spouse she chose to move away from?? Her visits are more about removing things than visiting. Who cares? Not us. It is about how he feels as she comes and goes and is there one minute and gone the next. And yes, we tell the therapeutic white lies each and every day so that he remains content in the fact that she is"away visiting her family." He loves that answer as he feels family is the most important aspect of a happy life. We will say it as long as he can hear us.
How do you tell any loved one that their spouse moved out because they wanted to live their life? How do you keep them from feeling it is their fault and tell them that they should not put away? There is enough going on with the emotional aging of someone who knows they have Alzheimers without using their disease as an excuse for why their spouse left. To lay blame at their feet for something they could not control?
After reading all these responses , talking to doctors and researching what I can, maybe the answer to the request is pretty basic. I cannot ask someone to be sensitive to someone else when it is really beyond their ability to see anyone else but themself.
absentee wife and packing up all her crap - which has been there for 1,664 weeks just yet. I also take exception with the statement "for a few years she had wanted to move Dad to a facility and we refused" - what? "We refused"? Since when does a wife need this kind of permission? That she felt she had to get permission from you all speaks volumes- that you all "refused" and that's the way it went speaks even more. Why is every acting like this woman is s flash in the pan gold-digger? I imagine at 90 years old and having to argue with six adult children over the care of her husband of 32 years - which directly effects her - she said "enough". She move six miles away - not 600. Maybe she didn't want to live with a full time caregiver in her house. How many here have stated their parents feel that way - need or not? Maybe she doesn't like visiting her husband with the ever present, watching caregiver. After 32 years of marriage you can't give her 30 minutes of privacy with her husband? I would LOVE to hear her side of this story.
That being said would Dad be agreeable to a move to another location that she has no control of and no right of access if that is possible?
The wife is ninety years old so it is possible that she also has some cognitive problems if she has not always been this way.
It sounds as though you, or Dad could probably leave the house uninhabited after Dad moves out so wife has free access
If she wants to visit Dad at his new location there would seem to be little you can do to prevent that if he is not willing to take legal action to bar her.
So to sum up the best solution from what I see is to move Dad out of the house assuming he is willing.
I have a step-monster who has kept me from my dad for years by threatening to divorce and leave my dad (who has Parkinson's with dementia and is terrified of being alone) if he mentions seeing me. She has run off just about every member of the family and leaves my dad alone a lot but at random times no so one can sneak in. They've been married 47 years and she has been this way from day one because she viewed me as her competition starting when I was 11 years old. They have had a very negative bond their entire marriage but now my dad has mellowed so she just doesn't speak to him for weeks at a time. She does things like slash perfectly good clothes and furniture because she doesn't want anyone to use them when she revamps her wardrobe and redecorates frequently.
I wish you guys the best of luck and hope you can successfully do what is best for your dad.
Hahahaha, thanks so much for that vivid image and a great laugh!
He is there, a major portion should be his area.
Or, think of her assigned portion as a smaller, separate entrance apt.
They are not yet divorced or legally separated? Save her a spot. If she sees that she has an area, she may feel less threatened, less territorial, and stay away longer. If a legal separation occurs, she has abandoned him.
Taking charge of Dad's assets is important to minimize her destructiveness. imop.
Make more of an effort to make his current living situation better and safer for him.
Does he currently have any live-in help?
Personally, I agree with Jessebelle's observation.
If husband and wife are negatively bonded and family messes with this dynamic, then family is to blame for the current unrest.
Respect their marriage. Ask the wife wgat she wants you to do.
What a mess, she will continue to be tied to the home as long as it is full of her stuff, and of course she feels you have no right to limit her access to her home! The best solution would be to move him out and clean house (literally), but at this stage of his life I understand your resistance to that. I worried about my mom's reaction when I sold her home and moved both of us to a new shared residence, but she made the transition surprisingly well. You mention he wanted to move years ago, would he still be willing to downsize?
But frankly, this woman sounds very self absorbed, and a user. I personally would be getting tired of what I see as only partially cooperative behavior from her family. And I'd make darn sure that his estate plan is up to date, including addressing the fact that she's an absentee wife.
I'm really surprised at the amount of stuff she's left in the basement. I would also start getting rid of that; you're not running a storage facility, and having all that excess stuff is just more stuff collecting dust. You can tell her and/or her family that you've been advised by one of your doctors (or even make up a story about APS having been contacted) to get rid of all the stuff as it's not healthy.
I can't help thinking "money and assets" and manipulation though.
As for her belongings, how do you even begin to divide the shared possessions of a couple like this? There will certainly be some obvious heirlooms, but the bulk of things would most likely have been accumulated during the marriage.
I think the real problem here is his distress over accepting their new reality. While it might seem like it would easier if you could wave your magic wand and make her disappear, it is possible that he would continue to fret and worry about where she is and what she is doing.
I agree with Babalou that it might be worth while to have a discussion, perhaps using a neutral third party, with her and her children and explain that her visits are causing problems and plan a strategy to remedy that, maybe by limiting their timing or duration or the topics she brings up.
She lived about 6 houses up the street and felt she knew all about Dad. She had been widowed for 10 years, sadly a young widow at that. Dad had another house on a lake that was purchased by Dad and Mom( that is where Mom died.) His new wife said she wanted a new home and Dad resisted, but was delighted to call the lake home"theirs". It was sold about 7 years ago. Last year we asked if we could research widening a bathroom door, putting in grab rails , adding banisters and to consider making a first floor bedroom. We were allowed to do the first three but we met with resistance on looking to secure any first floor sleeping area.Hen she went away for a month she told Dad to stand in the way of anyone who tried to do anything in the house! I laugh as I think he was puzzled by that. The house is roomy but by no means state of the art. I would imagine someone might come in and totally re-do most of it as it has aged. I would like to consider moving Dad to a smaller house but I would wonder how he would react. It would take time and patience and with the same caregivers around it could be an excellent idea. Maybe a rental home would be a good idea, but she would have to agree to sell the current home.
Visits and driving: We asked her family to assist us in a a discussion on visiting and advance notice. Sometimes they help and sometimes they tell us to talk with her ourselves. She lost her drivers license about 2 years ago after 4 accidents . I know that is tough as I had to watch Dad actively give up his license 10 years ago when he realized he did not want to be a road liability to someone else. She has a driver she will hire for appointments and has relied on people in her new community to drop her off and pick her up. Also, sometimes the local daughter might help.
The last 3 visits have been unannounced and she spends about 10 minutes with Dad and an hour with her stuff. The visits I have seen are about the same. Maybe it is because she has to pay a driver??? The caregivers keep an eye on the whole thing and are very accommodating, even offering excuses for her absence. While I am probably a pack rat she too is a hoarder and her family says they will deal with it someday. The bulk of her first house still is in the basement. So she spends lots of time going through suitcases of junk mail, magazines and plastic bags stuff. Thats not a criticism...it is an observation. When she leaves with a bag of stuff their is no real pattern to her departure. She might ask the caregiver to help her or walk by Dad with the items. He might ask where she is going with her stuff and sometimes she just keeps walking and does not answer.
I will try again to request some sensitivity to the visiting schedule. She largely ignored the request from the geriatric care manager. She has stated that she will not be held to a schedule but one never knows.
Also, I would seriously like to give him the answer that she moved to Boston to be with her son for health issues....but what do I say if he feels like he failed her as a husband? He already has said that in the past when he thinks she has been overworked....and then he says well maybe I should be in a" box." So unlike him, but obviously very symbolic of gender roles here!
You have been very kind in responding. We might be a dedicated family but we did not interfere with their marriage or home...we were all busy with our own. It has only been in the last 7 years when we observed that he was needing help and was not getting it.
"Dad wanted to move into a luxury 5 star step down community over 10 years ago but his wife refused. Then when she finally decided she had him sign one for $500K , she changed her mind and lost the $40 K on it."
Sounds like there will be a huge amount of money left when your father passes and that alone may be the reason to hang about. That said, it may be her children, expecting a windfall, are pressuring her to keep her belongings at the house and check up on it and your father's condition. Just my two pennyworth.
If any of you can tell kindly inform her that after she leaves, dads emotional state is rocky and that his stress has zero to do with her- but his inability to understand her coming and going because of dads ALZ.
Then instead of offering a solution (which as you "felt" by responses here, i.e. being judged); ask her if she can help by maybe forewarning the visits so dad can be preoccupied?
At her age and 32 years of marriage and HER home, HER husband-- even if shes seemingly horrible, i cant imagine how i would feel if the children took over dad under my roof. When my dad hit rock bottom and mom was beside herself, we moved dad out per her request. Into a rental home close and all the children helped.
But like i said- no judgment because each family dynamic is tricky and walking on egg shells is an art!
I would love to get rid of my sister-- but alas-- its not about me, its about mom.
I also think her second paragraph offers excellent suggestions; keep Dad at home, but in an environment more suited to his and your needs at this time.