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She is adamant about not leaving her home. My mom has some memory issues. I want to move her from VA to FL which is about a 13 hour drive and she has never flown. I want to get her here so I can take care of her and get some testing done. What can I expect if she is adamant about not leaving home and I need to rent a u-haul to get her to FL.

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It's not always possible for our aging parents to stay where they are. Florida to Virginia isnt doable for the children to keep tabs on whats going on with mom. Nor is it reasonable for children to uproot their lives to move to Florida. Especially if they are still working. My 91 yr old mom made the adjustment from Phoenix to Iowa with no problem. Every situation is different.
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If you can't say anything helpful....why say anything? I get so tired of seeing these posters who pick apart every little thing said. You don't know the whole story, so why be so negative?
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Hi - I'm not sure if anyone mentioned the train. We have Amtrak going all the way, with car transport and sleeper cars (you go up to Springfield to get on). A friend just booked it, about $430 with advance reservations. When you tally gas and overnight stay, it compares pretty well. But I'd also take heed of the advice of moving her at this age. My mother moved areas in her early 70s and it's been hard for her. She felt in control and knowledgeable where she did live, here she still feels insecure, even after 10+ years.
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We just moved my 91 yr old mom from Arizona to Iowa. We gave her the choice of flying or driving. She chose driving. Three long days! She handled it like a trooper. She is the one who wanted to move home after 10 yrs in AZ. Several weeks after getting her her and her apartment squared away, she was diagnosed with small cell lung cancer. So now we are dealing with that.
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By the way, I find it grimly hilarious that you can say:

"It is very important for your mother to know that her opinion is what matters most. This should be applied to figuring out how she will travel to you."

in response to a post which opens:

"She is adamant about not leaving her home."

So the first step is to understand the elder's resistance to move, and the next is to ignore it, hm?
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When moving your mother it is important to understand that every case is unique. I find that the first step when moving an elder should always be to understand the elder’s resistance to move. Your mother may fear yielding her housing, financial, and day-to-day decisions to third parties. It is very important for your mother to know that her opinion is what matters most. This should be applied to figuring out how she will travel to you.
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My 85 yr alz spouse travels well in car w me driving. We drive 1200 miles. We got 2 motels. Make sure night lite in bathrm. He has flown the rd trip. Call airlines tell them dementia so need to sit togather & get a wheelchair going & arriving. Worked good 2 1/2 hr flight each way. Get a one time relaxer pill if need be. Make it an exiting trip eather way. We observe lots of beautiful clouds to make time go by driving. 2nd dY i layed his seat way back w pillows & he slept a lot. Stop often for potty & eat or ice cream. Good luck whatever you decide. Our reason is south winter & north summer God willing again this year.
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1RareFind: Thank you. Yes, 1RareFind is correct in persons being all different. Just like we are on this forum; if we all gave the except same advice, it wouldn't be very helpful. Teamwork and brainstorming are always a good thing. As far as adapting to a move for an elder, it's going to depend quite a bit on the person's age. Say a person such as my mom who lived in her same house for 54 years-wow, oh my goodness, she wouldn't have been able to adapt at all as she was 94. In 2006, she came down by car (my husband went and got her) for our daughter's wedding to our Maryland home from her Massachusetts home and she just wasn't able to walk at all when she got home.
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Llamalover47 has another strong point. Some papal may be able to adapt very well, others may not be able to adapt as well whereas others may not be able to adapt at all.

Another thought

Just like some people are able to work well with others, others don't have that capacity and may work better alone. People are who they are because God made them all different. We are not all alike and we're all wired differently for a purpose. Some people don't mind being around others a lot whereas others need more alone time. Believe it or not, even our bodies are all different.

Conclusion

We're all different for a reason. Each person has their own capabilities including various limits on adaptation. It's not just the older people who may not be able to adapt, there are some younger ones as well. For instance, one person may adapt very well in some areas but maybe not necessarily so well in other areas. If someone is not able to adapt to something, the next question is whether or not they can learn to adapt. Some situations though just cannot be adapted to, depending on the needs of the person. If they cannot adapt to something, then it shouldn't be forced upon them because it could be detrimental to their health and well-being, maybe in some cases even their lives. In cases where people just cannot adapt to whatever it is they can't adapt to, before judging remember God may have made them that way for a specific purpose. A hammer will never be a teacup and vice a versa
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Remember, Medicaid. If u ever need it, she may not qualify for a while as a resident. Each state is different. Can't you take family leave and have her evaluated in Va. Then go from there. Do u have siblings in VA.
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If you move the elder to a different state, you are very much upsetting their comfort zone. My late mother lived in her house for 54 years. She knew every square inch of her house. If moved, she wouldn't have been able to adapt at all. Another obstacle that you face is that your mom has never flown.
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My Aunt moved into AL near her home. 3 blocks away to be exact. She is still in her neighborhood and when she does get out for lunch, we go where she knows the restaurants. What friends she has left come to see her. She has a young woman who has been helping her for a couple of years. That gal, goes to her house, gets her car, and takes her places. She pays her to do that, but she has known that gal all of her life. I guess what I am saying, is can she go into assisted living hear her old house? Why does she have to move to you? I agree with everyone who has said, "Don't move her in with you". No house is big enough for two women.
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Your mother has some memory issues. Do you have any more information than that?

You are going to have to get a lot further down the road of establishing that your mother is not competent to make her own decisions before you can even think about moving her against her will.

So either you come and stay with her for a bit and sort things out at her end; or you get in touch with her GP, neighbours, friends, family members who are nearer her and take it from there.

What you do not do is barge in and take over. Not if you want it to go well, anyway. You want to look after her? Start by being more respectful of her wishes. If they can't be met that's a problem to be solved, but you're just ignoring them. Don't.
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Hopefully you won't have to physically take her from her home. There will be tears. There will be stony silence for awhile. She will want to load the U-Haul with stuff you don't think she needs. If she owns a home she will swear the realtor is cheating her. When we did it we just drove through but it was tough on her. Nothing will be as good as where she was, nothing. We had to move my mother because she was basically helpless living alone in the house where I grew up. Her two brothers lived near by but didn't lift a finger to help her. We had no choice. Biggest mistake was moving her to our house. Not a good idea. She was resentful for months after the move. She lives in an AL facility near us now. Much better choice. Worse we had to move her against her will a second time.
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Leaving aside all the discussion about the advisability of moving an elder, have you considered renting an RV to make the trip? You would have everything you need right there, able to sleep, cook and no bathroom issues. Give it some thought if mom agrees to the move.
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I think that Medicaid allows the beneficiary to own one home, but the home must be in the state you are applying for. So, if moving from one state to another, you may need to sell the house to apply in the future in another state. Of course, discuss with Medicaid rep or elder lawyer.
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You don't say how advanced your mom's memory problems are. If she is unable to care for herself, then it's often challenging to step in and ensure she's safe. She may never agree to move or have care, but if she's far enough progressed into dementia, she can't keep calling the shots. There are ways to deal with it, but you may need to consult with an attorney in your mom's state about what that involves. I hope it doesn't go that route.

Do you have Durable Power of Attorney, Healthcare POA, etc.

Have you considered having her come to VISIT with you for a trial run. Just to see how she likes it. Then, after she's been there awhile figure out what the next steps are. She may decide to stay after all.

While flying is so much faster, delays and crowds sometimes agitate dementia patients and she could become overly anxious and cause a scene. I would hate to get to the gate and her create a scene that she doesn't want to go. I'd weigh that out.

I would also be very aware of the tip from Joannes about Medicaid. If she is on Medicaid, keep in mind that it changes by state, so she would need to apply in Florida if she moves there and be aware of any residency requirements.
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My dad was also adamant about not leaving Kansas but he at least knew he couldn't stay in his own home. So we gave up about him moving near us and let him stay there and moved him to an IL apartment. Three months later he wanted to move near one of us, because he realized he made a mistake. It was his decision so at least we didn't get blamed for it. So we moved him to be in an IL place by me. Yes, it wasn't cheap to move him twice,(and twice the work for us sisters) but it's been done and I'm glad. It could have worked with him staying in KS, but it would have meant more frequent visits by me because he's had several health issues, falls etc. and is now in AL.
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Before deciding on driving, consider if there are 'care' needs while driving....meds, bathroom, regular meals and extra time to get out and walk about, due to her age. I am 72, and I cannot drive more than 3-4 hours at a time, without being in pain for the next two days, and I have to have a couple breaks in those 3-4 hours too. So, for me, that is about 200 miles in a day max! Also, is Mom on Medicaid, as that is a problem if you move to another state. She would have to come off Medicaid in her own state, and then go through a reapplication in a new state under their system. IF she's not, but she might need it later on, I would, for sure, get her moved first, as Medicaid applications are time consuming! With my Mom, we opt for flying only, because she is on meds 3x/day and breathing treatments and oxygen....but perhaps another option for your Mom, would be a train ride in your area?
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jaydee, have you had any more discussions with your Mom about moving? If so, how is it going!? You know your Mom better than anyone else. Let us know what you decide so we can encourage you! Caregiving is a challenge, no matter how you 'slice it'! God Bless!
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I wouldn't EVER consider turning your life upside down by moving yourself closer to your mother. That would be the worst thing you could do. You have your own life to live, your parent has to understand that. If she won't move, I would suggest you get an agency involved and do whatever it takes to have her cared for at home or at a facility.
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Last year we moved my mom from Ohio to Florida. I took the easy way with moving and rented PODS. Just pack everything in, they picked it up and moved it to the new house. She was averse to flying or driving and she had a dog. I had to finally just put it to her that she could fly and be there with doggie in less than eight hours or we could drive over two days at 8 hours a day or one long 16 hour day. When she saw it like that; she picked the flying option. I find that if I give her options it is easier to get her to make a decision. It was pricey getting her there, but worth it in the end as she is now in a safe, one story home and is adjusting fairly well.
I will say the first few months were not easy as she couldn't let go of how "perfect" her life was in Ohio. LOL
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So she has never flown before, give her a new adventure. (I say this having had a pilot husband). Or do what we are doing moving from AZ to Oceanside, CA. It is a 6 hour drive, and I intend to drive 3 hrs. and rest in a hotel/motel when I get tired. I have driven from VA to FL and it is a straight shot on I-95, but once you get to FL the traffic is horrific. Flying will land you at Miami and then rent a car from there. Good luck! You can do this. (I'm renting a POD to put on my driveway, pack it leisurely, then have others pack it, and then the POD people drive it to CA - just a thought if she has a lot of stuff).
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When you say you want to move her so you can take care of her...do you mean "in your own home" or in a facility? I moved my dad here which was a 6 hour drive. He did fine. He too has memory issues. Can you break the drive up...certainly would not do it in one day? Being close would be great if that's possible. I would not move to where she is, especially if she's going to a facility, which is the best option.
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What I was thinking instead of ripping her away from everything she's known for so long is instead suggest that you move closer to her, this would be a better solution instead of putting her through all the stress. You don't know how she'll take to the airline and security, especially cramming her into the economy seating. If I were going to move someone, I would be decent enough to give them a first class or even a business class seat where they have their own room and can be comfortable. Other than that I would suggest moving myself closer to that person
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In my case I decided it would be too stressful for me and mom to move her closer to me. For years I relied on home care for mom and received excellent guidance from the company owner about this very issue when I had to place her in nursing home. Assuming you have determined that this is the only option for you and her, you can contact her doctor for advice. Also get help from others experienced in this area. My home care agency was available to accompany me and mom on the trip if we had chosen to move her. The adjustment to NH was enormous for mom and to add to it the stress of a long distance trip would have been too much.
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Usually elders don't want to move away from a place that they have known for many years, maybe even decades. It's is too difficult for them to learn new streets, new stores, new doctors, new dentist, and even a new hairdresser. And even adjusting to new new seasons as Virginia has all 4 seasons where Florida sounds like it is hot all year around with no snow.

One excuse my parents would give me was "we have too many friends here" which baffled me because in the past 20 years my parents never entertained anyone except me at their house. Then I realized the "friends" were the friendly cashier at the grocery store that they knew by name, the familiar pharmacist, the teller at the bank, the nurses at the doctor's office.... my parents knew the streets like the back of their hand. All familiar sights and sounds. Then I understood.

One can caregive from a distant, there are many on these forums that do. Could your Mom afford a senior living center in Virginia?
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