I'm ashamed to admit that I am bitter! How do I not get bitter about giving up my last 5 years?

Amanda hang in there you're doing the best you can. However, you need help. What about social service agencies in your area? Does your husband have siblings/parents? Where are they in this mix? Can he afford another living arrangement? Is a nursing home an option? How about adult day care so at least you have some time away from him?

This situation is to much for you. I'm glad you will be getting some help even if it's 4-6 weeks wait. Something that I learned this last year is that we only hurt ourselves when we hold on to the past, or cannot forgive. Holding onto anger and resentment even when we have a right to feel anger and resentment only serves to hurt ourselves and thus we are allowing the past to twist the knife deeper. Your feelings of anger and resentment are not wrong in themselves, in fact those feelings are telling you that this situation/person has crossed your boundaries, the feelings are trying to tell you to change the situation. Once those feelings are listened to (like your taking action to get help) their job is done and then it is healthy to let them go. Holding on to those feelings and allowing yourself to become bitter only hurts you, your husband and your child. Do yourself a favor and let the past go. If the anger and resentment continue to persist then ask yourself if you need to make more changes with the situation, then speak up for yourself and take action...even if that means a Nursing facility. Most important is your Daughters environment, you don't want to allow someone to trample on you in front of her like that, even if they are sick. I feel for you and hope you get the help you need. In the meantime while you wait it might be good to pray about it and ask for help to see this person and the whole situation differently. Instead of focusing on the anger and pain this person brings to you, perhaps you can read up about dementia here and get a better understanding to help you cope. Another thing is if he behaves around your husband maybe it's because he knows your husband won't put up with his BS. When he threatens to walk somewhere he is manipulating you. Instead of being manipulated by him that way, let him walk. In other words don't be so nice because he sees that as a weakness and exploits you. It's sad but sometimes we have to put our foot down even when it goes against our nature to do so.

You have every right to be bitter. This is not want you signed on for when you got married! (Course it isn't what the old guy had in mind for growing old, either.) Life is not fair! Go beat up a pillow! You can be bitter as long as you want to. It's your life. But for your own sake, (not to mention your husband and child) I'd suggest setting a time limit, really rant and beat up a lot of pillows (or whatever you do to let off steam), and then move on.

I wasn't done, but I guess I pressed a wrong button!

Your grandfather-in-law has dementia. He can't help it. He didn't sign up for it willingly. Maybe if he took the pills that were prescribed that would help. And maybe not. Maybe when you start getting help you will be better able to cope. And maybe not. Grampa should be paying you rent. That won't make up for you not working, but it will make the situation a tiny bit more fair. And it won't hurt him to have less to spend on lottery tickets.

Dementia progresses. It gets worse. It sounds like you are on the verge of not being able to take care of Grampa now. The time will come when you can't. Start looking now for long term care placement options. See what is available in your area, what they will cost, and how to begin the process of seeing that he qualifies for financial assistance if he is going to need it. This is not a failure on your part. It is a reality most caregivers face when their loved ones have dementia. Do NOT trade in bitterness for guilt.

Congratulations for giving your husband's grandfather a safe and loving home for five years. That is no small accomplishment. You can be proud. Now do what you need to do to take care of yourself, your daughter, and your husband.

Good luck!

Amanda, now you know why grandfather's sister dumped him into you and your husband's lap. That was pretty rotten to do if you ask me. She knew he had dementia or at least suspected it, but scraped him off to unwitting young people. Time to put gramps into asst living or something like that. No shame in admitting you're in over your heads. Tell gramps sister she needs to step up and help you and your hubby find a good place for him. It's the least she can do.

I really appreciate the responses. Finding a place that I can let it all out without feeling bad helps alot.
When my husband finally got home last night we talked and I let him know how things were when he wasnt there and my feelings toward the whole situation. He listened but I am not sure that he actually heard what I said. He is 100% against placing him in some type of facility. My husbands mom died when he was 8 so his grandparents adopted him. Then less than 3 months later, his grandmother passed so it was just the 2 of them for a while. He feels it would be giving up on him. I did let him know that I didnt think I could do it much longer without some SERIOUS help! He read all of the info that the eval nurse left yesterday and seems positive about the program. I guess we will see what the next few weeks have to offer.
I tried to reach out to his only living daughter and his 2 siblings that are healthy enough to help. His daughter let me know really fast that she wanted no part in his life at all. His sister and brother both admit he needs care but arent willing to "babysit" because in their own words "they have lives" Funny, I had one of those at one point also!

Amanda, I'm glad that talking here is helping. When it became time for having our father move in with one of us my brothers words to me were, "I've had dad for all these years so i am willing to let you have him now" what a crock of shit! It is true that my father lived in the same state as my brother but my brother didn't do anything to help him during all that time. I used to have to send my kids who also lived in CA to check on him so I wouldn't worry so much. Anyway, back to your situation. Your husband is like many of us were with our thoughts about NH's but they are there to give the care an elder needs when family cannot do it. Eventually the situation will get to the point where he will have to accept it. Don't be a Martyr for him in this. I made that mistake years ago with a different situation with my husbands kids and learned a very painful lesson. We have to stand up for ourselves because no one else will, like you said you used to have a life. Perhaps the program will be enough for now but if the situation calls for more you might have to put your foot down to your husband. So hard I know.

It wouldn't be giving up on the elder but rather it would be doing what is best for them. Many caregivers find a good place that is close by and visit regularly, they fix up the elders room to make it feel more like home and they closely monitor the care that is given. I like what someone previously said when they said don't trade bitterness for guilt, that is so true. Keep posting Amanda and God bless you for the person that you are. XXXOOO

So sorry for the place you are in at such a young age. I know how you feel with the resentment. It is hard and for such a young one it does seem unfair. I am a caregiver for my parents and I can't get but a few hours off aday to go home I totally understand your husband not wanting to put him in a home but I also see where you are in this. It isn't fair that one person has to carry the load. That is where I am also. If you feel like me we are not too good to do this but too good to be taken advanage of. I think that grandpa should pay you instead of buying lottery tickets maybe a few but not that many that is taking advange of you. You can bet when it is over that if grandpa has any money or land the ones that are not doing anything will be first in line. Went throught that with my uncle. Good Luck to you and keep on the site for then you know that you are not alone. I have found other out lets like flowers and garden if possiable to just give you some down time. May God Bless you and your young family. Hopefully help will come soon.

And it starts.... Its 8:44AM where I live. He has been up for exactly 18 minutes and we are starting the go round.
My grandparents arrived last night after a 12 hour drive. Since I lived in Louisiana for 2 years, this is the first time I have seen them in a while. They are staying with my parents a few blocks over. The plan all week was for everyone to come to my house (since my grandfather in law cant be left alone and refuses to go to my parents house) and spend the day catching up. When he woke up I told him that I had laid his clothes out and there was a towel in the bathroom so he could go ahead and get cleaned up before everyone gets here. He walked into the bathroom stood in the door for about a minute. When he came back into the living room he tells me that he isnt showering and if my "stuck up" family was coming over, he was walking to his sisters house (same sister that put him out) that is 2 hours away if you drive!
My family has never done anything to make him feel this way. During holidays and birthdays they always include him. We had family pictures taken that my parents paid for and they included him, even arranging some pictures of just him and our daughter.
Now I'm really stuck! I will see my family today one way or another but I just dont get why all of this has to be so damn hard! Why do I have to be the only one that cares enough to do anything? Why do I always feel like I have to choose? How do I make it until his homecare starts? I always say I can deal with any type of hell as long as it has an ending point. But folks I'm sorry to say that I dont know that I can do 4 weeks of this!
Sorry I am complaining, you guys are the only ones that I have to turn to!

Amanda,

Don't apologize, you have every right to be angry at him. I would handle it in one of two ways for now.... If your husband isn't there to get him under control call him at work and tell him exactly whats going on and tell him to leave work and come take care of him. Be firm. Tell him that if he doesn't come take care of the situation you will kick him out. Sick or not he is just being an Ass. The only other approach you can take that I can see is to ignore him, apologize for him to your family and forget him for the day and have a great time with catching up in spite of him.

These are only my opinions, right or wrong. You have to stand up for yourself.

amanda . if he wants to be a hard ass , i d be telling him that ure callin around for a nursing home to see if theres any opening for him . i would pretent that i am talkin to someone on the phone . cry i cant take it anymore wa he s so mean to me waa he dont do wha i ask of him waaa , can u come and get him ? im so fed up waa waa waa . that might open his eyes and think ohhhh crap ! she means bussiness . maybe he ll turn into a sweetie pie . uh ya think ? wont hurt to try dear . i did everything i could to get my dad to open his eyes .
i feel for you girl and am sorry that ure havin to deal with him . gotta try every tricks in the book to get him to wake up . dont aruge with him cuz ya never win . he will win on every arugement . men are always right . lol . just pick up a phone book and say i cant take this no more dad ure so mean to me waa and say oh theres number of nursing home ! beep ebeep beep and then play like ure crying and whiney and see what he does . lol .
i did that to my kids when they were little . im calling your dad !!! wow how fast they straighten up . santa s not comin cuz ure mean ! gotta play those lines with the elders .... keep in touch dear and we all are here for you . :-)

How did the day go visiting your grandparents, Amanda?

It might help (a little?) to realize that your husband's grandfather has dementia. He does not behave rationally because he can't. His thinking process is impaired. You are looking for a logical reason why he is against your family. But his impaired "logic" may never make sense to you. Why does he think it would be good to go to his sister's who doesn't want him there? How does he think he can walk there? Because he has dementia! Your reality is not his reality. This is very, very frustrating to deal with. Believe me, I know.

I hope that program you have him enrolled in will be a huge help. Hang in there until then!

Dealing with dementia as you describe hubby's grandfather's behavior is very difficult in a family setting. I know that your husband does not want to consider placement for this man he loves, and that is to his credit. He wants to do what he thinks is the right thing. But this man who raised him and whom he loves deserves the best care he can get. That might not be in your home -- it might require professionals trained to deal with his disease.

It is a tough role that you are in. I wish the best for you, your husband, and your husband's grandfather.

His behavior does sound like he has Dementia, but then again he shows that he can control it when his grandson is around.

To help you deal with him in the proper way you really need to have him diagnosed. If he has health insurance schedule an appointment for him to see a Geriatric Doctor and get tested for Dementia. If he has something else that mimics Dementia it would be important to know that so you can see that he gets help. Of course if he is diagnosed with Dementia then you can understand him better like Jeannegibbs stated above. Understanding can help to cope. Sometimes there are medications that can help him not be so agitated. Once he see's a doctor you need to make sure that you or your husband can discuss his medical needs with them so you can tell them about his behaviors and ask for help. Has anyone talked to him and asked him what it is that he wants? Maybe he wants to live in Assisted Living or Nursing Home. If he's not happy living with you then maybe your husband can see that by talking with him.

The visit with my grandparents was very quick. They were at my house for about 30 minutes and he started telling my grandfather that he prefered a quiet house with no one in it and he hated when my husband and I entertain. I guess they took his hint because they left. My husband came home early so that I could go to my parents house and visit. Today shows promise as far as me getting a break! My neighbor (I've known him since I was a little girl) is in his 60s and owns several rental houses. So he asked if he could take grandfather with him to do a few little things at his rentals. Then they are going to the senior center for the Friday afternoon singing. I'm so excited to have a day with just my daughter and I!
As far as asking him what he wants. We talk to him about it alot and the answer is always the same... "Yall aint puttin me in the old folks home. I just want to live by myself so I can get a truck and find a job" When he tell him that isnt even close to realistic, he gets mad and the conversation ends.

Amanda, I am so glad you are getting the afternoon to yourself!

When you need to get him a living situation that includes care for people with dementia -- and it sounds like you do -- it will not be something he wants to do, no matter what. So there is no pleasing him. There is only saving yourself now. I agree with the people who said to start looking around for a paid living situation. Medicare will pay for more than you realize. It won't be the Taj Mahal but it will be safe for him and way better for your family. It may be that you will have to give up a quiet, deep-down belief that there is some way to get this guy to be kinder, that you can find the right combination of things to make him quell his temper and play ball. With dementia, that's not possible. This is bigger than you. At the same time, what a chance to practice standing up for yourself in a different way than you are used to! If he threatens to walk, don't leap into the car next time. My bet is he goes two blocks and comes home. And have a great afternoon. Sending good vibes your way.

JaneB is right. Dementia is bigger than you. It will win. The fact that he can keep it together better with his grandson is fairly common with some forms of dementia -- it is called showtiming and often the patient can put forth enough effort to act "normal" for short periods. They can sometimes even fool a doctor. Visiting family may think the caregiver is exaggerating because the patient doesn't seem so bad to them. Sigh. This showtiming takes a lot out of the person and they may be worse for a while after it. Eventually the dementia takes over too completely for the patient to force "normal" for even brief periods.

If Gramps has dementia, there really isn't any point in asking him what he wants regarding his living situation. What he wants is not to have dementia and to live independently. Or some days he may want to own a baseball team and fly around the country with them and live in hotels. None of his answers are going to be realistic. Because the poor guy can no longer take care of his basic needs, his grandson is going to have to make decisions for him and, just as in raising children, those decisions are not necessarily going to win popularity contests.

Maybe with the program you have him enrolled in, you can continue with home care a little longer. But start discussing what is really best for everyone with your husband now. If may help both of you to learn a little about dementia.

Again, best wishes as you struggle with this.

Thanks Jeannegibbs for talking about "showtiming" that makes a lot of sense. I didn't know that.

Amanda, assisted living would be great for him and he could just think that he is living in his own place with help and meals available.

So glad for your neighbor coming into your lives, what a blessing. Best to you. :))

Amanda, I'm 31 with small children caring for my husbands realitive in my home also. She has not been diagnosed with anything, and most if the time its hard telling anything is wrong with her. I have the same issues with not getting to go anywhere much, not because she isn't capable of being left alone physicaly but because she throws tantrums when left alone. Was gonna lock us out of our home a couple of weekends ago because we took the kids to supper,(she had ordered hers in so we thought it would be a good night to treat the kids)and we were not back home yet at 7:30. My sister dosn't come see me anymore because of her rudness, she complains of other peoples children, if they try to visit, ask what the h3ll my friend is doing here, dosn't she have stuff to do at home. My friend will be standing like six feet away. It gives me stress when someone wants to come over because I don't want to tell them they can't, at the same time I don't want the reprocussion i get from her while they are there and after they have left. I have missed school functions, because it's easier to miss them than deal with telling her i have to go, if she goes along she rushes everyone and we have to leave early and can't enjoy our self. She gets rude to my children has made them cry, has made me cry. All because we promised her she would't have to go to a home. It's all stressful. We love them, but don't have the bond like we would if it were our own parents. So that creates for me an EXTREME amount of guilt sometimes. Of coarse we see all these things we are missing out on, it's not fair but right now it's our life. 5 years is a very long time. I've only been doiing this for 1. I read a book called elder rage. It was very interesting, very informative. I don't have any easy answers but I do understand. Glad you are getting some help. We are not at the point yet where she will even consider it. cause she has no problem being alone she says, and no physical reason for us to hire anyone. No it's not fair, and yes you do have every right to be resentful. Like jennybiggs said. don't let it turn into guilt. Guilt is even worse.

Allshesgot, you didn't ask for advice, but I can't resist making a comment. As always, feel free to totally disregard ...

You need to set some boundaries. If your loved one had a mental condition (such as bipolar, dementia, etc.) I would advise you to inform all your friends and family and educate them on what to expect. But, as far you know, there is no mental disability here, and your loved one can in fact stay alone for brief periods and take care of herself. So set boundaries. Can you imagine living like this for the next 20 years? What is going to stop that from happening?

"Kitty, my friend Gloria is coming over soon. I know you don't care for her. You might want to watch tv in your room or work on your embroidery in the family room. Gloria and I will be in the kitchen. Please do not disturb us."

"I'm so glad you are able to take care of yourself, Kitty. I've made a nice pasta salad for your lunch. I'm taking the rest to my sister's house. I'll be back around 3:00. Call me on my cell if something comes up."

Surely you have keys to get into your own home, even if she locks up. You are raising children. Did you/do you handle their tantrums by giving them what they want?

"We need some bonding time with the kids. Tomorrow we are taking them to an early movie and dinner. You might want to plan on visiting a friend, or on ordering your dinner in. You don't have to wait up for us."

"Kitty if you need so much care that we can't leave you alone for a few hours, then we should be looking for some in-home help, or a different setting for you. We love you, but we all have our own lives to lead. That means we are not home 24/7. If you need someone here 24/7, we need to start working on other arrangements, because I cannot provide that."

Set boundaries and stick to them. If this is really hard for you, maybe a few sessions with a counselor would be helpful.

I LOVE THIS!

"Kitty if you need so much care that we can't leave you alone for a few hours, then we should be looking for some in-home help, or a different setting for you. We love you, but we all have our own lives to lead. That means we are not home 24/7. If you need someone here 24/7, we need to start working on other arrangements, because I cannot provide that."

Allshesgot.... this may sound weird but when I saw your post I had a little moment of peace. I know how you feel with the friends, family, outtings, and the general change in life. Even before the illness set in for him, we werent able to have a "normal" life with him in the home. If we had company he would either slam doors or get right in the middle of everyone and start talking about the trouble my husband got into when he was 14. My dog started acting weird and things in my room were being moved so I set my laptop up to run the camera while we were away when we got back we found out he was treating the dog horribly and going into my closet and looking threw my things. I fixed the dog problem in what my husband called "a mind-f@#k" I knew he was abusing him so I left the tv on animal planet's rerun of animal cops and when he realized you could go to jail for mistreating an animal he stopped.
We had to remove all of the deadbolt locks and chain type locks because he would lock them all and we couldnt get in. This was all before he got sick.
I know how you feel with your situation. I wish I could tell you that it gets better because a few years ago all I wanted was for someone to tell me it would be better. Sadly it didnt get better it is only getting worse but thanks to the awesome people on this site, I have a little outlet! I am taking it one day at a time until our help finally arrives!
The people on here are great and most of them have been exactly where we are. The feelings that I am ashamed to tell anyone about, make sense on here and the people are soo supportive!

Amanda, my dad was like this the last couple of years of his life. He'd run away (walk around the neighborhood for hours, waiting for us to come "find" him, but I wouldn't go after him--it was a good neighborhood and people knew who he was and where we lived), he'd like, he would NOT bathe, he cursed and talked horribly to Mama and my husband and me. Bottom line--Dad had Parkinson's and vascular dementia. His logical abilities were gone. In his case, he did a 180-degree turn and became completely different than his former self. Sounds like your grandad-in-law may be more in character with his old self based on family not wanting to take care of him, but that's hard to say. Sometimes people just don't want to have the responsibility, sometimes they don't get along, sometimes it's a bit of both. Regardless, our situation with my father was very similar to what you're experiencing now. Just try to keep in mind that his logic is broken. Trying to logically deal with and explain things to people in this situation, to try to reason with them, is like spitting in the wind. I agree with the thought that if he says he's going to leave, then don't react. Just, "Okay, grampa." Try to watch and make sure he doesn't, and if your town is a small enough community perhaps let the police know that if he does wander off, here's who he is and here's where he lives. Contact your local Elder Services, Alzheimer's group, memory unit at your hospital, etc. Ask for ideas of what's available in your area, then you and your husband sit down and see what might work for all of you. Perhaps your friend who has the rentals could rent a small place to your Grampa (nearby) and you could have someone go over regularly and do housekeeping. Let Grampa pay for it, not you. Does your husband have power of attorney? Does anyone in the family, or is Grampa still accountable for everything himself? Honestly, my Dad didn't care who said what or what happened, he just plowed over people emotionally/verbally and did what he wanted, when he wanted to. It's the dementia. Someone else already said it doesn't get better, and please know that they're right. If Grampa won't take his meds, then this is probably as good as it's going to get. His brain isn't working correctly. I've seen sweet, kind, gentle men become tyrants with this disease. I DO understand the anger and bitterness, but finding a local support group and having people (here in this forum and locally if you can find a good group) helps a LOT. Caregivers not only understand and won't judge your emotions/feelings, but they will share a wealth of ideas and help as you walk through this. Grampa's going to be mad no matter what, it sounds like, so you can't be concerned about his reactions. Concentrate on your and your husband's relationship (and your child's), your need for help, and just know that you're doing the best for Grampa that you can. I've learned as a caregiver for my mom and dad for over six years now that I'm responsible for their safety and wellbeing, as in safe place to live, nutritious food, clean environment (as much as possible--even if I have to get help because I can't keep up with their cleaning needs and my own family's), but I'm NOT responsible for their happiness. Happiness is their decision, their option. No matter what we do, we can't make someone else happy. We can do good things for them and love them dearly, but they can still choose to be miserable. So don't take his personality and rough disposition personally. Also, don't take his abuse. You can kindly say things like, "Grandpa, I'm not sure if you can change how you talk to me or not, but I'm not going to listen when you speak to me that way." Then just go about your business and ignore him. In other words, draw boundaries and be diligent about it. People can manipulate in all kinds of ways, with or without realizing it. You have to learn what works for you, what keeps you mentally and emotionally healthy, and then create boundaries in difficult relationships to make sure you are able to thrive. You have a husband and a young child to look after, and you need to do more than survive--for your own sake, and for theirs. Hang in there, and know that this won't be forever. I'm glad your friend is taking Grampa to do things with him. It may be just the answer for now. If not, then continue to seek help.

Hugs and prayers to you, Amanda.
~Joan

Correction: he'd lie, not "he'd like" :-D

For better or for worse should not include abuse. If your health suffers as a result of your situation, you won't perform well as wife, mother, or caregiver. It might even be better for Grandfather to be placed in an environment with people who are trained to take care of patients with dementia. Minus the emotional attachment, they might be more effective and he more receptive. You might try a voice-activated tape recorder to demonstrate to your husband what goes on in his absence.
Stay strong, Amanda. God bless your family.

Amanda, my concern is who is handling his financial and health affairs? Since he lives with you and your husband the two of you should be. It's expensive to have another adult in a home and you and your family should be able to be compensed for his board, food and any other expense. I too know how you feel and I am going through this with my mom.

Wow! I just read from the first entry to the last about 'aint puttin me in the old folks home" Wow! Your husband needs to take a greater role.

May I suggest a few things that i have learned from all the great people on this site? First of all with dementia it is better to just go along...for example: getting a truck, ask what kind of truck, what features, etc. What kind of job, what do you expect in pay? etc. So if you are positive, the negative should be less.
Next, maybe you can't give him a hug, but how about a stroke on the arm, pat on the back, his grandson should be giving him hugs, his great granddaughter. Affection goes a long way.
Outlets, does he like to build things, read, play games or do puzzles? Dance? Lunch a few times / wk at the Sr. center? Can he play a game with his gr granddaughter? Does he ride a bike (my dad at 83 does so just a question)
When he wants to walk to his sisters, go along with it...do you have a map? better call and let them know you are coming, how are you going to get there, etc. What I am getting at is to try a new approach perhaps. Make it a challenge.
When dementia is at its early stages you think they are still normal and don't know when they are not. It is crazyness as you know.
Your hubby should have power of attorney and take over his finances. Gramps should have $ in his wallet though. Enough but not too much. Men like that.
Find out his interests I think would be helpful. There is so much that you and all of us with dementia relatives are going through. Another thing I have done is gotten my dad an ID bracelet. My dad is past figuring out how to get it off, yours may still be able but down the road.
Also, let your relatives know that he has dementia and may say things but to just laugh them off and change the subject.
Another thought, sometimes people will do things for others they won't do for you. Your hubby should be the one telling gramps to take a shower and take his pills and being the boss. Can your father come down and take gramps for a ride to home depot or other place a man might like if your hubby can't?
He may be of the mind set that men are in charge and women don't know what they are talking about, so men giving the orders (which would explain why the sister booted him) may make a BIG difference. It is certainly worth a try.
I really think your hubby needs to take a MUCH bigger role in this. Anyone else agree with me here?
I know that when my hubby makes suggestions to my dad, he listens and doesn't tell him "I don't want to."
I look forward to hearing what works for you amanda.

Amanda, despite your husband's gratitude for his grandparent's care, he needs to get real about this situation. You have a young daughter whose care and raising takes priority. You should both see an elder care attorney, as well as a geriatric care manager who would help you coordinate everything. If you and your husband are the ones taking responsibility for his care (keep uppermost in your mind that his children and his sister have categorically stated they do not want to care for him), then you should have have power of attorney and health care proxy over him. He clearly cannot be allowed to handle money. You will be responsible for it, and maybe give him a weekly allowance so he will feel satisfied. The POA will assure that his other family members can't start dictating to you how you manage his care. At some point (sounds like soon), he needs to go to assisted living whether or not he likes it. If the doctor has documented that he has dementia, he should have no trouble writing a script recommending assisted living care. Again, if you need help with that, the geriatric care nurse should be able to help you coordinate that.

Excellent counsel Orange, I wish I had known this several years ago.

Amanda,
I've been reading your messages and feel for what you are going through. One thing to try to remember, and it isn't easy to do, is that at this stage in your husband's grandfather's dementia, it is almost impossible to have a "realistic" conversation with him. He just won't get it. He can't think through things logically, and so, unfortunately, that puts the responsibility on you and your husband to make the decisions that are best for you and for him, regardless of what he says he wants or doesn't want. Keep telling yourself you are doing your best, and don't get sucked into the guilt and resentment; that IS easy to do.
All the best to you. Keep writing-it helps.

Hubby definitely needs to step up to his preferences of "keeping him at home". I love the idea of a voice activated taperecorder.....I too have trouble getting folks (doctors included) in believing my own Dad's abusive behavior.

Power Of Attorney (POA) doesn't stop them from stupid financial tricks, but it can help you get reimbursed, or setup autopay on certain bills. My father won't let go of his house on reverse mortgage, but he can't live it in alone anymore, and won't tell the mortgage company the truth. It took me at least 6 months of digging through Dad's trash to figure out the MTG company name...and even now, they still believe Dad's lies! (a few more returned notices should help my case).

Know your limits....and stick to the boundaries. Tell your child Gramps has sicknesses that make him seem scary, but he's more scared of himself than you are. If you lived well, you can die well. Those who haven't lived have a hard time accepting death - or any loss of mobility.