What do I do with my borderline personality, Narcissistic mother?
She lives alone by her own choice but needs errands done, doctor visits, shopping etc done for her. You do these things and instead of a thank you, you get asked to do 5 more things on her list, and she is selfish, self centered, doesn't care what you need to do in your own life, is often mean, but can turn on a dime and be "Nice" for just a little while enough to draw you back in. If the temporary "nice" act doesn't work, then she pulls out her bag of tricks...which usually involves the "guilt" trips, or if that doesn't work, she talks bad about you to your siblings and such. Sometimes she does a bold faced lies to draw you in or to shame you back into her corner. She is so manipulative and abusive, I don't even know what is real or not anymore when it comes to her. It is a nightmare. She has always been like this. She just happens to be a little worse now that she has turned 80. It hurts to be around her, and it hurts to try to create some space because she feels like I am an "extension" of herself to be bullied and bossed around. Like she is entitled to do this I know I have a duty to care for my elderly mother but she really makes it excruciatingly difficult. . I feel burnt out by her and feel as if I have PTSD symptoms. I feel like I am sinking into quick sand. It is a no win situation. It breaks my heart. I want to help her, but she is literally making me ill in body mind and soul. Do we owe that to our parents? How do you stop the madness with out having to cut her off altogether. I really can't do that anyway cause I know she needs me but she is very abusive and unrelenting in her demands . She is all absorbing of my time, health and energy. I am burnt out now and just sad over this whole thing. My siblings are of minimal help. That is a given even though I told them how exhausted I am. I just can't keep up this pace anymore.
I'm getting a bit worn out but still plugging away. I really don't want to be a martyr he just doesn't have anyone else. To add to the difficulty we live on an island yes you read that right and Island. Beautiful but we're very isolated with constant boat issues physically it's getting more difficult for me and him to get to the mainland. I realize some stimulation would be very helpful to both of us particularly with the dementia.
He's on his fourth course of antibiotics and still can't kick the UTI entirely. We are going to urologist next week his PCP thinks it may be advisable to put him on a low-dose antibiotic everyday for the rest of his life. His deterioration has been dramatic physically and mentally. I can't find much information on long term use of antibiotic and by long-term I mean forever. I've done some reading about probiotics it's confusing to me. Thank you for all your posts so nice to know that I'm not alone in this. With many people faring far worse than we are. God bless All of You, hang in there.
It is so uplifting and refreshing to read these posts and those books to come up with the epiphany that the problems REALLY. ARE. my mother's problems. She is the one who gets her nose bent out of shape if I don't agree with her, or if I have other ideas (which of course are no good because they aren't hers).
This disorder can further develop in Munchausen by proxy in which , the mother either makes the child sick, or makes them think there is something wrong with them. There is a terrific movie on TV recently "The 9th Life of Louis Drax". As I watched it, things seemed so familiar like I knew what was going to happen, and by George, I was right......exactly how I had felt like that little boy.... to escape from his mother.
Lives with me and my hubby. See my profile, there are no helpers, no siblings, she's too fit and healthy physically, short term memory gone.
I'm tired.
My glaucoma is under control, that's where I left off from posting.
I hope for a better day tomorrow.
Same for you!
M88
Take care of yourself. You owe it to YOU- not your mother.
My brother told me I didn't move far enough away. He lives in Europe, my sister is in the South US. The dark humor keeps me partially sane. My mother passed away over a year ago but I still feel beat up and stomped on. Now my husband is going through this with his mother except she is nastier. My mother was passive-aggressive and spoiled. Over time, I am understanding her and her family dynamics as she grew up. I know why she was like she was but it didn't really make it any easier. I would come home from her place and just lay down to make my heart stop beating out of my chest. I couldn't sleep for the nightmares. One thing I didn't do is move her in with me. My suggestion is HIRE HELP. A lot of it. Well worth it. It's cheaper than a nursing home and more personal. Finding a good caregiver can be difficult, but just keep trying to find one that really cares for the elderly. My prayers are with you all.
The second aspect to consider is that the people mentioned here didn't necessarily develop a narcissistic personality as a result of aging, they were narcissistic all their lives! Age just made it worse. So it's not all explainable because they are older, it's part of who they are, how they are.
And people that have lived all their life dealing with someone with these issues is pretty tired, emotionally and physically, by the time they have to be the caregivers of those persons that we love, but that are always ready tu hurt us..as much as they love us.
It's not insulting labels, its explanations, answers for people that in many cases have walked in the dark for too long!
It is true that loneliness is much publicised as a plague of our times and culture. Last year there was one poor old boy in Devon, I think it was, in his nineties and so fed up with being alone that he called into a radio phone-in and tearfully begged someone to give him a job. Happy ending, the story went national and he got lots of offers.
I suppose the moral is that whatever your age you're not going to find company sitting at home and feeling sorry for yourself.
Good for you, McSassy. I'm sorry that your mother went through these experiences. She was fortunate that you were prepared to make the sacrifices you did, and to appreciate the good intentions behind her - what should we say? Robust? - treatment of you.
Other people's experiences are different. There are people on this forum who have developed believing that incessant verbal, sometimes physical, abuse is normal. There are some whose parent connived at sexual abuse, and plenty whose parent went in for enthusiastic victim-blaming.
And while your nine months must have felt like plenty, and I don't belittle its value, there are caregivers who carry their different burdens not for years but for decades.
I happen to agree that there is a tendency to look for simple labels for extremely complex and variable personality and psychological traits. But one forms a suspicion, and it can be an enormous relief to know that certain patterns are recognised, predictable, manageable, comprehensible. People need a map to gauge where they are.
A close friend of mine once asked rhetorically: "at what age do you have to stop blaming your parents for how you are?" It's a very good question; but it misses the point.
The point isn't to find someone to blame. It's to understand how we got to where we are, and how to change what happens next. Not blaming, understanding.
But the process is painful. Don't, either, blame people for howling as they go through it. They hurt.
And I'm extremely sorry to read that you lost your daughter. That's a terrible thing.
ALL of you kind of sound like you forgot that she did everything she asks of you is something she already did for you! She's old, she's feeble, even if she does not think she is, inside herself, she KNOWS she is. And, likely finds it frightening. Which, in turn, makes her more defensive and in turn, more sharp. Mine lost her breasts and began to die at age 41, the same age my daughter would be now if she'd not been killed in a wreck at 16.
I didn't CARE about all the mean and sad times when I heard that sound in her voice. I just left Alaska, me and my puppy, and we left for Texas. Drove day and night for 8 days. I stayed until she died 9 months later. Even though she pretty much left us with her folks when we were little, her father more or less MADE her. But on some level, I know she was relieved. I learned, after she died, that she paid them child support the entire time! AND she got us every weekend she could. Her dad/my Papaw, would not let her have us back until she remarried. 6 years later, she found her oil man and married. I wish I could've stayed at Nane and Papaw's but in the end, it was better to be with Mom and let her teach me, in her arrogant harsh way, to better myself. I did, and it paid off.
A tyrant, a Joan Crawford type mom (all the way down to the toothbrushed bathroom tiles - and ALL before the book or movie came out!) But it didn't matter at the end. I'm sorry but you all sound like my kids, the ones in their 40's mostly ... moaning and crying how life didn't prepare you to deal with a 2 yr old parent. Guess what? No one prepared our young moms to deal with 2 yr old terrors ... but she did it. YOU make it up and out ok? The wolves didn't raise you. Orrrr .... ???
You should be more concerned about you OWN health than your mother's. She is only 80. Your mother is a narcissist and they only get worse with age. You MUST go [at least] "low contact." Do not say that it's "impossible." What would happen if you dropped dead? Life would go on and your mother would be JUST FINE, that's what would happen.
Decide what you need. Find out what services (like travel to doctor appointments) are available in her area. If she does not accept this "new world order," you CANNOT give in. You may have to put some distance between yourself and her. Your siblings are not much help because they are protecting themselves.
Please believe me, I KNOW what I'm talking about. This does NOT get better. If she trashes you, you have to let it roll off your back. Set boundaries and stick to them. If she cannot adjust to you having your own life, YOU MUST MOVE. You do NOT owe your mother your life, but if you keep giving it to her, she will gobble it up complaining all the while. She will never say [and genuinely mean] "thank you," "I'm sorry," or "I was wrong."
This may hurt, but she bore children to glorify and serve HER, not so they could grow up and have their own lives. YOUR life is of NO consequence to her and it never will be. EVER. If your life has meaning to YOU, walk out of that "quicksand" and keep walking. She has no genuine empathy and she never will--there are no "deathbed conversions" for narcissists.
Now you know. Letting her continue to use you up is now YOUR choice. Don't let her. You MATTER. Would you EVER do to your child what she is doing to you? How little would you have to care about that child to treat him/her as you mother treats you? You are doing what you are doing because deep down, your "child mind" reasons that if you please her enough, one day you will have "earned" her love and she will be a loving, normal, mommy who loves you just as you are, no matter what.
That will NEVER happen.
She will die as she has lived, and you will STILL feel like a failure, a disappointment. DO NOT live in "her" world ONE MORE DAY. Insist on your adult boundaries, and if that won't work, LEAVE and live in reality. You matter. It's YOUR turn to have YOUR life--but only YOU can make that happen.
From one daughter of a BPD person to another 😁
FYI, I felt bad that I couldn't and didn't mourn mom when she passed away. About 18 months later, it finally hit me. I cried. Don't know if it was tears of sorrow, tears for 'what could have been', etc... All I know, Ashlynne, was seeing the look of mom's hatred towards me when I was middle school. I was shocked. I thought all mothers loved their children - they just don't show it. After that, I never sought affection from her. Why would I? So, I don't know why I cried - but I did. So, don't be surprised, when one day, maybe months or years later, the death of your mother will hit you. Not because you miss her or love her. Maybe it's crying out the negatives or leftovers of mom. I don't know. And if it never happens, great!!!
In the NH they put residents names in their clothing. I went through it all and, where I could, I blacked out the name with a marker so it could go to Goodwill. Where the name was actually on the fabric it was slated to burn ... my handyman was here yesterday and took care of that. Went to the funeral home this morning and paid the bill. They will keep the ashes until I'm ready to collect and scatter. I won't have them in the house ... too creepy.
Charlie Cat (head of the Mouse Squad) was limping a bit on a hind leg and yesterday morning couldn't stand so off to the vet an hour away we went. He spent the day there and all they could figure was that something bit him. His xray was good as was blood work.
This morning he was up and about and, as I watered, he was snoozing under the bench in the greenhouse, totally oblivious to the fact that my bank manager likely won't talk to me for as while lol. Tired and didn't do much today except some cooking ... haven't eaten well the past few days. The 4 cats have gone to bed and my dogs, Sue and Ashy Girl are snoring with one eye open for me to get their bed time treats so off to bed we go. Tomorrow is another day.
I agree there is nothing you can do to change these people. My mother is 103, has vascuar dementia as well as BPD and narcissism and she is essentially the same as she always has been. We can only change ourselves and protect ourselves.
Despite her problems, you have been a good daughter. Rest in that, Keep in touch and let us know who you are,
Are you okay?
After three years in a nursing home with parkinsons, strokes and dementia, close to 90, she passed away last weekend. I haven't shed a tear and am finally able to sleep without hearing my blood pumping due to high blood pressure. I'm an only child and she had no friends so it falls on me to deal with everything but, as executor and POA, I pretty much had everything in place long ago.
I sold my home, quit my career and moved 200km to care for her for four years until the went into the NH and continued to run her errands, make sure her bills were paid and she had everything she needed. I've despised her life long and always avoided her if possible but I did my duty to the end. I have no regrets.
There is nothing you can do to change these people and you will never be free until you go complete no contact or they die.