She lives alone by her own choice but needs errands done, doctor visits, shopping etc done for her. You do these things and instead of a thank you, you get asked to do 5 more things on her list, and she is selfish, self centered, doesn't care what you need to do in your own life, is often mean, but can turn on a dime and be "Nice" for just a little while enough to draw you back in. If the temporary "nice" act doesn't work, then she pulls out her bag of tricks...which usually involves the "guilt" trips, or if that doesn't work, she talks bad about you to your siblings and such. Sometimes she does a bold faced lies to draw you in or to shame you back into her corner. She is so manipulative and abusive, I don't even know what is real or not anymore when it comes to her. It is a nightmare. She has always been like this. She just happens to be a little worse now that she has turned 80. It hurts to be around her, and it hurts to try to create some space because she feels like I am an "extension" of herself to be bullied and bossed around. Like she is entitled to do this I know I have a duty to care for my elderly mother but she really makes it excruciatingly difficult. . I feel burnt out by her and feel as if I have PTSD symptoms. I feel like I am sinking into quick sand. It is a no win situation. It breaks my heart. I want to help her, but she is literally making me ill in body mind and soul. Do we owe that to our parents? How do you stop the madness with out having to cut her off altogether. I really can't do that anyway cause I know she needs me but she is very abusive and unrelenting in her demands . She is all absorbing of my time, health and energy. I am burnt out now and just sad over this whole thing. My siblings are of minimal help. That is a given even though I told them how exhausted I am. I just can't keep up this pace anymore.
She said "what's she trying to do to me? make everyone think I'm crazy???? (I don't understand that)
Then went on to say I'd been to her apt again and moved some boxes, so happend h and I were to gether all day yest. It wouldn't make any diff, i wouldn't go there anyway.
So she said she's done being mad at me, then turns on a dime and accussed me of stealking something from her apt.
Said she wanted to start over fresh, new, no more hard feelings....yeah right, she's already proved that's not possible and I will not be drawn into her web.
She's evil, kniving, drivin, remembers things and it's making me ill.
I talked with my family phys. today and he said it's one of the most dfficult things to deal with, because of the unknown.
Not the answer I wanted.... ;)
AND she hides meds instead of swallowing them, she had the med aide fooled on health care side previouly to moving into her apt.
Something I'd like to know....it's been documented in her medical files that she has dementia, I don't know if she's aware of it. She seems to think something is wrong with me (classic signs), when it's actually her, but I 'm not even going to be around her due to the fact I've felt she was going to strike me at one oint.
Another day tomorrow.
My Best to all.
not checking into it more) I kept in touch with the nurses and they said if she's that mad, just leave her alone and she'll come around.
In the meantime, she accussed me of stealing things from her appt, ex: while at lunch, supper, out with her friend.
None of whcih was true bc I gave my key to her apt back to her with my husb standing as witness, she was satisfied with that. But apparently has forgotten.
Then called this past mon. and said she's done being mad and wants to go forward from here, *what about me?*, knowing the anxiety, stress, depression I was going into, the physcial therapy I was taking due to the all the stress and restless, sleepless nights even with meds, I let it go and started feeling better.
and then....
she calls one afternoon and asked if "I'd been over" (to her apt)
no, havent left the house..why? someone stole my hair pick and I thought maybe you'd been here.
.................it's not over
and I realize it won't be untill the end but I have situations I don't know how to handle.
She told her dr. she wasn't going to take any meds, I'm her health care administrator(?) can't think of correct term.
Even if I signed over for her to take meds, she's hidden meds from the M.A. before and showed me the stash she'd kept !!! This was was while in health care side. So who's to know whether she'd actually swallow the medication? Then she'd REALLY BE mad at me and more than likely stop talking to me.
She doesn't want me in her apt, to call her, and said she can't stand me. I realize this is the disease talking, however...during the three weeks she didn't, she talked to my husband on the phone one day and asked how I was taking it? So she DID REMEMBER.
I'd asked my neuro if they remembered their angry outbursts and he said no they don't, but I have a hard time believing him.
She's called once to tell me about the results of her cancer report and it was good, then visited about the weather, that was it.
I told husb this evening, I want to call and visit with her but I don't know which "MOM" I'd be talking to.
That sounds like boarderline schizophrenia, but who's to know what she's thinking?
She had this game going, when she'd call, caller ID showed her name, husb answered and she was all cheery and "hi!!" and when I got on the phone it was this very very low.....hi....just acting so so down, it's pitiful and makes me sick thinking about it.
I've not called her for just that reason.
I don't know what to do, I keep in contact with the nurses but she hides things from them and they don't have a clue anything was going on untill the day I called them.
Bc she "acts" just fine ...............
help.....
thanks..maure
* Coping with your difficult older parent
* Working with toxic older adults
Both books are available through Amazon.com and are pretty inexpensive if bought used. -Leslee
purchase and read The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tools and Techniques to Stop Walking on Eggshells by Randi Kreger
When Someone You Love Has Borderline Personality Disorder: How to Repair the Relationship by Valerie Porr
go to BPD Central Online Community for Family Members with a Borderline Loved One http://bpdcentral.com There is an anonymous support group there for people staying in their relationship with a spouse who has BPD
I know how you feel. My mother is the same way. The more I do - the more is expected. My mother lives with me - She has her daily "vent" where she "whispers" how terrible I am - because I don't do enough. This still makes me crazy - but I have over the course of the last 15 years (yes thats right 15 years) learned this - I tell her what "errands" I will do for her on what day - doctors appointments are grouped together - so I'm not running around everyday - and I told her point blank that she was mean to me - and I remind her when she falls back into the ritual - it isnt easy - my siblings are out of state and according to my mother are so caring because they call her once a week and ask her to call them once a week (it's on my dime that she calls too) I've been there - try elder services in your area or the local social security office - they do offer errand running and companionship that might help ease your burden. However - You do have to tell her no - that it is not possible for you to cater to her whims. Its hard, you feel such guilt - but you have a life too.
How much can you afford?
Crowe is correct & I might add that you educate yourself in negative/positive reenforcement tactics. The older they get the easier they are to outwit. Try not to take this personally....to a narcissist ALL people are TOOLS.
IF you are going to continue to care for her.....you need to find out how to handle her. So far she has handled you & before it destroys you the tables must be turned.
I'm praying for all the children of narcissists. GOD protect us from our loved ones!
What you can do is choose a healthier path for yourself by setting boundaries with practical consequences which I recommend getting a trained therapist to help you with.
No you do not owe nor does anyone owe to their parent what you are sacrificing like a martyr. She only needs you to the extent that you are useful to her which is basic to that kind of personality.
Get, read and use first Stop Walking on Eggshells plus the Workbook as well as Recovering from the Borderline Parent plus Understanding the Borderline Mother. I've almost read these books either with my SIL or to my SIL if I didn't also loan them to my SIL. She could hardly believe how someone wrote so much about her and my wife's life. Now my SIL is like a mental health Princes Leah and I feel like a very old Yoda or maybe another Jedi trainer of not such high stature.
Also, you need to start setting limits. Tell your Mom, "I can do this today, the other things will have to wait." My Mom, while appreciative of what I do, got into a bad habit of saving up all these "things" she needed doing when I came over. I never got to visit with her, it was just a series of "do this, I need that..." So I let her know that I was her daughter, not the unpaid help and that once and awhile I would just like to visit with her. That seemed to help.
Good luck to you...I hope these suggestions help a little...remember: you are always in control.
Do not make yourself crazy by trying to "figure her out" or help her. This disorder is profoundly entrenched and near impossible to fix especially after a lifetime of it. Put your needs first get away, get help from outside sources,,maintain your balance and sense of sanity. Calling her on her crap will usually get and angry blaming response. You may love this person but you don't need to make yourself ill caring form them. Use social services and medical assistance where ever you can and remember you deserve to be treated with respect and love. You are not a machine, a doormat or a child who "owes" there parent something. Do what needs to be done, help where you must but stay out of the pull back into crazy.