My boyfriend's mom has a cognitive disorder and she has issues with her memory, motor skills, and her thinking and problem-solving skills. I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 2 years. He is 42, I am 27 and she is 70. At first, her condition wasn't too bad, but the last year has been hell! A few weeks ago we had to go to the emergency room in her city at 3 am, because the police called telling my boyfriend that she was wandering around downtown naked. She calls him 20 times a day, and sometimes he leaves in the last minute to drive an hour to check on his mom if she doesn't call him in 2 hours. Him and I live together in a small condo so when she calls I hear their whole conversation. I feel like I'm almost going insane...and my boyfriend and I have been pretty depressed the last few months. We fight a lot, and we aren't as intimate as we used to be. I'm losing my attraction to him and I don't feel as close. When he is not talking to her on the phone, he talks about her a lot because she is his number one priority. It is such a turnoff and I feel a lot of guilt because I feel selfish for feeling this way. He seems reluctant to get help from a caregiver, even though she lives alone in a building. I think he doesn't want someone coming in there because it is so messy and he needs to repair the roof and fix things. I keep telling him to call and get help, but he ends up getting mad at me. Her stairs at her place are very steep and she fell down them a few times, and I keep telling him she cannot live that way.
I don't know what to do...I want my boyfriend and I to feel close and work on our relationship but I don't know how. Am I selfish? He says I am all the time and he puts me down. I know he's under a tremendous amount of stress so maybe he lashes out at me because of that. Today I was supposed to go help him work on the building and I was ready to, but then his mom called and mentioned she wanted him to fix her computer (the 500th time) so in my head I knew we were going to go there and not get any work done while I sit there and listen them going back and forth all over again. So I told him I just want to relax, and he said "fine don't come, instead look at yourself in the mirror and see how little compassion you have and how selfish you are.
I can't stop crying all day, I don't want to leave the condo and I'm nervous about when he comes back. I don't want to fight anymore, I'm emotionally exhausted. I go to university and I'm almost done my degree and this depression is affecting my marks. I do like his mom but lately, I've been feeling a bit of resentment towards her and I feel terrible and awful for that. I know they are very close (he was never close to his father), but I feel like I'm insignificant. I do not want to leave him but our relationship is getting worse by the day.
Any advice would be appreciated!
Stay with a college friend, whatever, get those studies done. Come the end of summer you'll be able to see far more clearly where to go next.
You are only 27. This shouldn't be your life. Run away from it! (I do agree to bide your time until your degree is completed. Then start your own life!)
Then, when you are better able to support yourself...with your new degree in hand..go job shopping..and move out.
When you will think to argue with him..think..focus on degree...and let it go. Realized that your time with him is short...keep your future your primary focus
Are you financially dependent on him? Get a job that works around your school schedule and move into a studio apartment or find a room to rent in a shared apartment.
You're way too young to have to deal with this.
LIke the others above, I'm also not in the greatest mood today. Sorry...I won't sugarcoat your situation. Again, read this forum and you'll see it's not all roses.
It's only a matter of bad timing. Step away, on the best terms you can manage. If there's a relationship worth saving buried under all this somewhere, you'll find it later, when the time's right.
Back away from the burning building. You'll be glad you did.
I'm not in a very charitable mood today so forgive me for being blunt. The man is 15 years older than you. His mother is only 70 and "his number one priority". Run away. I doubt you will ever have the future you hope for from this relationship.
Welcome to the mysterious insane world of older parents who either develop mobility issues and/or memory issues. If your parents are still around, this will probably to them once they advance in age. And it will happen to us and/or our significant others/spouses, too, if we live long enough. My folks were in their 90's when this happened.
Advice? The Mom cannot be left to be on her own if she is now wandering the streets. You are so right, she cannot continue living in her home as it is unsafe floor plan wise. Either Mom gets Caregivers to come in to help her, or if she can afford it to move to Assisted Living/Memory Care.
All this is very new to you being you are only in your 20's. Usually this happens to us grown children when we are in our 50's and older. Usually we have to set our life aside to help our parents and our spouse's parents. Yes, there will be exhaustion, stress and resentment, but that comes with the territory.
What you can do is ask your boyfriend what can "you" do to help him with his Mom. And learn all you can about dementia, so you will know and understand what is happening with his Mom. Scroll to the bottom of this page to the blue section... click on Alzheimer's CARE.... now read all the articles, even print them out for your boyfriend to use as reference if he is having a tough day with Mom.