Trouble is she died 2 years ago. My dad passed in 2014. These family, her 2 daughters and their 6 children were locked out from their home the day of my dad's passing. This brother was gatekeeper and locked everyone out the second my dad passed in 2014. To my knowledge, no one every got to step foot on their property again without invite. None came. This was on acreage her children and grandchildren grew up visiting and recreational playing on their whole lives prior to my father's death. Brother inherited everything lock stock and barrel with a last-minute will change barely a month before Dad died (dad only lived 2-3 months after he was diagnosed) that wasn't approved till after dad had passed. Mom went quick also 5 years later. Brother left mom in the morgue and said she would stay there unless the grands footed the bill to get her out and cremated. He claimed he had no money for it. Yet, within months he bought an expensive zero turn mower. No one was offered but 1 or two small things and they were expected to pay for them. It was horrific. Do not ask if we helped care for our parents as everyone stepped up, offered everything they had, time and money. Brother got nervous dad might spill info, drugged him up and ran everyone off, pdq. He died within days... Excluded from mom till she passed 5 years later... Details are horrifying, but parents did nothing and was told if they are ok with it authorities would do nothing, and they thought the sun rose and a halo hung on my brother. I was going through a bad divorce and helping grandbabies be born and showed up every day for my dad who only lasted a month after his stage 4 diagnoisis and was banned after they did the fast will change... and wasn't there they day dad died. I still cry over losing my parents daily, and the way family members were treated still. Mixed feelings and do not know if I can be anywhere near my brother as it makes me sick to my stomach, but I never got a chance to tell dad good bye and have yet to see his grave that is on the property, as everyone was locked out. Funny, cause mom and dad never kept anyone away and everyone knew where the key to the house was their whole lives, till brother got in charge. He lived on their property free almost his whole life. Thoughts?
By my grave, and weep.
I am not there,
I do not sleep—
I am the thousand winds that blow
I am the diamond glints in snow
I am the sunlight on ripened grain,
I am the gentle, autumn rain.
As you awake with morning’s hush,
I am the swift, up-flinging rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight,
I am the day transcending night.
Do not stand
By my grave, and cry—
I am not there,
I did not die.
Why not make a place that you can celebrate your parents free of your brother’s toxicity?
Ok, so now I've read the others' responses and I am definitely with those who say forget the brother. Delete him from your mind and your life. Go on with your life with those who mean something to you, and let all those who don't be erased from your thoughts. Life is too short to continually be questioning yourself and lose any sleep over. Go forward with as many happy thoughts and experiences as you can and keep only those in your life who fit into that plan.
If it will make you feel better, have your own little memorial service for your parents...invite your children and grandchildren. Make a photo board and let everyone share their fond memories of your parents. That should help you with closure.
Walk away from the brother and don't look back.
"...here is the central fact of my business--that there is nothing, once you are dead, that can be done to you, or for you, or with you or about you that will do you any good or any harm....."
I hope that our OP does just exactly what makes for the most self-comfort now.
Others can make the decision that is right for them.
There is no right or wrong. (my mediation mind part says that but if this were my family I might feel differently)
Funerals, Memorials are for the family and loved ones left not for the dead.
Some people need to have a physical, emotional outlet others process internally.
If there are family members that you WANT to get together with then do so. It does not have to be a Memorial or anything other than a few family members gathering.
A sociopath and a narcissist will hold out a carrot to bring people back in, under their control.
That is a pretty big carrot, with nothing but pain for you.
Ask those who attend to do a reading, if they would like. Or, write their thoughts on a paper and toss into a bonfire - perhaps words that you might say to brother. Write them, burn them, and move on with an activity in the future that can bring joy to your hearts.
It appears the wounds still exist from what brother did. He made decision to exclude everyone from himself and the parents. If you can go to the burial spots, go. If you can't, then just decline and tell him that locking the gates 'unwelcomed' you then and still hurts to this day. You will say goodbye in your own way. Some of the other sibs may be more forgiving and decide to go - let them with your best wishes and no negativity. Everyone has to do it in their own way.
It's done. Nothing will change. Bury it. Enjoy the memories.
This guy sounds like a monster. It's an established fact. From the day you were all no longer permitted to set foot on your parents property this episode was closed.
You want to talk to your parents? Go to any park, or stand by an open window during a beautiful sunset, or sit in your favorite chair with your hand on their photo and talk. You don't need a piece of dirt or land to stare at, or to stand by to feel that connection. I use a candle, sometimes I'm washing my hair.
Yes, it would be nice to have that sense of GOING to a PLACE reminiscent to making the effort of Going to their Home to see them. It's a special effort, and the need to honor them through a sanctified act of visiting that particular gravesite is especially meaningful because of the memories and history but you can't believe that they are stuck under earth. This sounds cliche and trite but beside being wherever they have moved on to, they are in you.
Getting back to your a**h*** brother - you're not going to resolve the unresolvable. IT'S DONE. But the question is why in the world would you want to have anything to do with this piece of evil cr*p? What is the addiction? You with a bad divorce, exhausted probably mentally and physically with grandbabies (grandbabies, wow, how terrific is that?).
Sidebar - Crying over the loss of your parents daily? Daily? Kindly, this is not why your crying. And omg, Mixed Feelings? You're hopping angry, hurt and downright p'd-off. Okay, that's a mix. At least you didn't say conflicting feelings, but if you set foot on HIS (stolen from you) property, then you meant conflicting. Argggh.
My experience is not exactly the same but my brother changed the will too two months before my dad died, (mom had already passed), etc, etc, etc. I was 100% steamed by the betrayal. A couple of years later he emailed me saying he still loved me. I didn't even tell him to stick it. I had no trouble exorcising him from my life. He's a stranger. I accept that even raised under the same roof he's his own person, as low down as that is. We're not on the same wave length, and I don't waste one micro atom of energy on him.
Don't marinate, don't marinate in this sludgy stink, unless you really, really deep down inside enjoy it. There are folks who have no joy except repeatly picking at scabs, popping pimples, and other myopic endeavors.
Please stand your ground of self respect. You don't have to be sick to your stomach. You have great memories. Mommy's and Daddy's are not forever, neither are their things and YOU are in charge of your happiness. Heartache is cr*p but it makes you wiser and a better person for someone else.
I agree with others, that his invitation is very suspicious, but for what reason, only you could speculate.
Whatever you do, do not enter that property alone.
Are other family members going to attend? If so:
- there is better safety in numbers, so maybe you could be surrounded by their love and emotional (and maybe physical) protection if you desperately want to attend
- if someone you trust decides to attend, maybe they could snap a few images or video for you of the grave and surrounding areas, so you could keep those pictures to meditate on while not yourself having to attend
- Check Google Earth satellite view of the property address, or other map address websites including city and county. Our county geological survey overhead maps recently caught me dragging a trash can to the curb in the early morning light, while wearing a flimsy nightgown. I had absolutely no idea at the time and only discovered myself when checking our address for risk of flood when getting flood insurance. Many websites exist now which show actually imagery taken from overhead; maybe you will be able to see the area of the grave from one of those sources. Make sure you set the view to be from overhead rather than street view, unless the grave area might be visible from a publicly accessible street.
- Seeing the serenity of the grave, even if by photograph or satellite view, rather than in person, may prove comforting enough for you.
- I personally believe your beloved parents are with you always, they aren’t gone and inaccessible just because they have passed off this mortal coil before you. They don’t care if you visit a grave, or step foot on the property. They, I am certain, would want you to do what feels right to you, and want you to be comforted and know they love you always. They are pulling for you and cheering you on.
I mean. "Memorial service"? After two years? Come on.
Also, I know this gets a bit squishy, but if you want to say goodbye to your parents and that's making you want to go against what sounds like your better judgment, consider maybe other ways to do that that don't put you in contact with your brother. Is there somewhere out of his control that was special to them that you can go? A park, a vacation spot, a place where they did a favored hobby or volunteered their time? If you can't get there easily, maybe do something in their honor wherever you are? Again, a favorite activity, or helping a favorite cause? You may find that you don't need to be in a specific place to talk to and honor those who have passed.
YES!! During the pandemic, I lost both parents within nine months (May 2020 and Feb 2021) ~ fortunately neither died of covid and both were ready to go when they did. We decided to do one combined memorial celebration for both parents last October 2021. That was postponed (not our call) due to covid uptick in our area. So, now, we are having it July 2nd (their wedding anniversary date) ~ two+ years after dad died.
Different strokes for different folks!!
I would check if the taxes have been paid on the property. Where I live they list the people who have not paid taxes. If there is a tax lien, ask how long will it be before property comes up for Sheriffs sale and then wait for the sale. Maybe you and sisters can buy the property for whats owed on it. Then its a matter of getting brither evicted. Fix the place up enough to sell, sell and hopefully make a nice profit.
Please, please never feel guilty if you can do something like this. Seems brother only worried about himself. And will continue to.
In my area the tax sales are end of Summer or week after Labor Day. The last payment are required paid by end of June, except for those that actually are enrolled in Qtrly payment plan.
Tax sale deed redemption in most places are 4 years after 3 sequential years of delinquencies. If he hasn’t paid taxes since the mom died in 2019, this year is his last year to pay all the past due and it’s incredibly hefty interest plus courthouse fees before it moves into anyone being able to pay back taxes and acquire it by full redemption of the 3 tax sale liens in 2023.
it would be sweet if he lost it via tax sale redemption and the family bought it and had him evicted but kept the zero turn.
I wouldn't even think of going unless there is a whole group who feel as you do that will be able to band together to resist any unpleasant surprises he may have in store for you all.
So dad died 2014, then the mom died in 2019. If the courts in the OP area is at all like mine, well basically the past 2 years have been a wash for the courthouse on doing filings. So everything been pushed forward to this year. There’s something he needs all the heirs to do….
he has had years to make things right. Do what you want.
That would decide it for me.
I bet he is losing the property and wants to try and manipulate everyone into saving the homestead.