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She very much enjoyed the airplane ride, 30 min after landing she forgot she was on the plane. Got her to Memory Care where I had fixed up her room with pics, and other items from her home. Told her there was propane leak at her home and not safe to stay while being repaired. It's been 3 days. She has texted 3 times asking me to get her home and called, left message this am to get her home. I knew there would be an adjustment period. Wondering if I should wait a few more days to go see her, take her to the moves which calms her down. I feel so bad, like I abandoned her. And also know this is "normal" for her/me to feel this way. Spoke with the caregiver at MC, they said she's eating, and sitting in common area, but not participating in activities and asking for me to take her home. Uggh. :( Anyone go through this? Also, MC said not advisable to put TV in her room, though she is asking for one. Thank you!

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On the goal of socialization/participation, we've gone back and forth a lot with that. My MIL was placed in a combined MC/AL facility 13 months ago, and our initial goal was to get her involved in a full schedule of bingo / balloon volleyball / singalongs / crafts / etc.

The reality is that she'll almost always go when my husband is there and takes her to them, she will occasionally go on her own when a staff member stops by and cajoles her, but she spends a lot of time in her own suite watching (or sleeping in front of the) TV.

She does go to the dining room 3x daily for meals, and she will often go to the shared area to just sit and be around others (and ask the staff for cookies :) so that is some built-in movement and socializing.

The truth is that no amount of activities will fix where her brain is or the varying levels of anxiety inherent in dementia -- or the fact that she has long been fairly introverted, TV-watching, and most comfortable in her own home/environment. We've adjusted our expectations and try to balance providing support that helps her participate meaningfully in life with accepting that she has the agency to opt for comfort over health.

I agree with many comments to allow for some adjustment time, try not to feel guilty over seeing her struggle to accept her new circumstances (none of this is your fault, and you don't have a magic wand), and yes, get her a TV and whatever else is affordable that helps her feel comfortable.

When/if it's feasible for you, ask the facility to receive copies of their monthly or weekly activity calendars, and if there's anything that looks fun to you, show up and bring her to it. My husband takes his mom to strength training, drumming, bingo, anything that works for his schedule and that he can join in and play along.

Best wishes for you!
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Reply to DaughterByLaw
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Let her have a TV if she wants . Her room is now her home .
Some people prefer to stay in their rooms and I don’t blame them . Some feel the activities are childish and insulting .
Some don’t care to make friends either. To force this is not making them feel better but an attempt to make those who placed LO feel better .

Don’t take her out , you may not get her to go back in the building .
You can bring her some take out food and enjoy it with her in the outside courtyard that is connected to MC.
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Reply to waytomisery
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Why is it not advisable to put a TV in her room?
Many people just like the comfort of hearing the noise, It feels less lonely, like someone else is in the room. Especially if she likes movies, which calms her.

I'm sorry you are feeling this way. What prompted this move of your friend to a memory care in another state, near you? Perhaps its time to try a different fib.
The story of leaving her home for a repair has her thinking this is a temporary visit and she will be going home again.
Then, again, "Home" means different things to people with dementia. Do everything you can to make her current room feel like home. Including a TV.
Who doesn't have a TV in their home? This may be why she is feeling confused, not participating in socialization and wanting to go home - the room doesn't feel like home. I'll bet a TV would help her. One with a SIMPLE control! Or can be controlled remotely by a friend (you) or family member. Like Jubilee TV for Seniors.
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Reply to CaringWifeAZ
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I don't know if this is permitted, but can you send her a package with a nice a note with some large print books, magazines, writing paper and pen and a funny or loving card to keep her occupied and just say that you are away on brief trip and will be back soon? I think it is dreadful that they will not let her watch t.v. - why? It is well known that having stimulation to the brain, even through t.v., is good for dementia patients. I think there is also a misconception, that people diagnosed with dementia have loss all of their memories - they have not. The one place many know is their home - the routine - how do get here from there. When dementia patients are moved from their homes they are very aware they are in strange place, unless they are far gone. Your friend does not sound that far gone. By moving her into a different state, it may take a longer than expected adjustment. She may be in shock and frightened. She may also be aware that she is confined. I am sorry you both are experiencing this.
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Reply to WordsofWisdom
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https://story.californiasunday.com/covid-life-care-center-kirkland-washington/

This is about as good as it gets regarding socialisation at a mc level. Some will want to participate, some will not, and you can’t really blame the ones who want no part of this.

If she wants to watch tv vs being coerced to socislize with the stupid cake party and sprite people are dumping over themselves as seen in this example, it’s her right
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Reply to PeggySue2020
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Hopefully this would never happen to your friend, if the resident gets COVID they're in their room 24/7 for several days.
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Reply to Beedevil66
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CaringWifeAZ Apr 19, 2026
What? Always chiming in with something negative Beedevil.
Your name says it all.
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Do not take her out to watch movie or anything else.
Go see her and bring her into common area and watch a movie with her. Go every 3 days and get her to participate in activities and make friends. It is going to take a while, I don’t agree that some people need to be dropped off with no visitors for two weeks. Everybody different and some need their love ones help to adjust.
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ktkelc Apr 19, 2026
This is interesting. I cannot get my mother to participate or make friends. She stays in her room 24/7 and won't even go to the dining room to eat. She looks forward to when I come to take her out for doctor visits -that is the only time she leaves her room. Is there something to me going there to do activities every few days? I had thought by staying away I was making her realize she had to learn her way around. It's been a year -is that too late to try this?
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It may take a while for her to accept her new surroundings. I don't suggest you take her out of the facility. You may not get her back. The TV, IMO, if it helps her adjust, then get it for her. I know, they want her active and involved. If you visit, you can help her get involved. Visit with her in the common area. Maybe join in an activity.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Do not take her out of the facility. My mom was sure a trip to the mountains for the day would be perfect. It really set her back and made her far more unhappy. Yes, it will take time to adjust. Meds can help.
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Reply to JustAnon
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It would be best not to take her outside the facility. It would be too overwhelming after all she’s been through with the move - too many new sights and sounds. Dementia patients do best with routine, and she needs to establish one in her new home. You can help her do that! Good luck.
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Reply to Fawnby
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I don't think I'd take her outside the facility to the movies -- she might freak out and decide to not go back in. It's now too disorienting for her.

I agree with meds if she doesn't adjust in 2 weeks.

Bless you for taking care of her to this point! May you receive peace in your heart that you did the right thing, even though it was very hard.
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Reply to Geaton777
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Your friend needs time to adjust to her new home and surroundings. Most memory care facilities ask that family and friends stay away the first week or two, but you do what you feel is best.
However I would not under any circumstances take her out of the facility for any reason, as that would just be far too confusing for her and you may have trouble taking her back.
People with broken brains do best with a routine and don't do well when that routine is broken for any reason, so allow your friend time to get into a routine in her new home and then you can go visit her and bring her some of her favorite treats if you want.
And I think the reason the memory care doesn't want TV's in the rooms is because they want the folks to mingle in the common areas and not stay in their rooms isolating themselves.
Give your friend time. She's going to be just fine.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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vannysgram2 Apr 13, 2026
Thank you. :)
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vannysgram2, I remember when my Mom, who was now living in a nursing home, was asking to go home, I thought it was the home she shared with my Dad. It wasn't until she said "are the cows in the barn" that I knew she was talking about her childhood home. As her parents had owned a dairy farm.


It is quite common for someone with dementia, that when they are asking to go home, it is the home they grew up in. Back when life was fun and easy as a child. So with my Mom (97 yrs old) I had to quickly come up with an excuse why she couldn't visit her parents. I told her they were visiting the old country, to which she smiled and said "that's nice". Then I used that excuse each time she asked.


I am surprised the Memory Care isn't allowing a TV in her room. My Dad's memory care had no problem, but that was over 10 yrs ago. I would hate to miss those fun game shows of the past, and my favorite soap opera.
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Reply to freqflyer
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vannysgram2 Apr 13, 2026
They recommended no tv in order to help her socialize rather than sit in her room. I am still considering and they would be ok with that. I think she is comforted by the familiarity of the same voices. She has the same channel on morning to night 7 days a week!
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In no way did you abandon your friend. You took steps to insure she’s safe and cared for, no one could ask for more. Of course she’s adjusting, confused, and mourning the loss of her home. All normal and all sad. Visit when you feel is right and the staff thinks it wise. Divert her attention, take her a treat you know she enjoys. She is blessed to have you
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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vannysgram2 Apr 13, 2026
Thank you. I'm working through it and feeling better about things.
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Yes, was thinking that too and will talk to the staff about it. I know she must feel turned upside down.
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Reply to vannysgram2
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That was kind of you to do. Yes, it does take a while to adjust. You might ask the staff to talk with her doctors about some medications to calm her anxiety, at least temporarily.
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