I'm feeling very alone in this journey with my aging parents. My mom has dementia and my dad allows his alcoholic son to live with and take advantage of them. He is verbally abusive and I'm scared to go over to their home sometimes. I have tried everything including elder services but they can't help if my dad allows my brother to remain there. I'm currently trying to get my mom on Medicaid. I have other siblings but one is far away and the others just don't want to cope with the alcoholic brother so they won't go over. Our family used to be happy and close. I'm so depressed and overwhelmed and feel so alone and like I'm shouldering most of the burden. It has left me quite depressed. Is anyone else facing a similar situation? I would welcome any advice.
Your Dad's home is your brother's legal residence unless your Dad goes through an eviction process with him.
You can consider attending an Al Anon group so that you can get support from others in similar situations and identify and defend healthy boundaries for yourself.
I'm so sorry for this situation. It's like being on the sidelines watching a slow motion train wreck. May you receice peace in your heart as you navigate the remaining years with your parents.
However, that decision would, for me, preclude my participating in caring for them, and I would make that very clear to my parents. Then I would not return again to their home while brother is there. Your father has a right to make his own decision about who lives in his home as long as he is of sound mind. You cannot change others. But their actions do need to have consequences.
You say that you have tried everything including "elder service". I don't know what that is. Have you tried APS? Keep your report to them short and sweet and tell them that your Dad has allowed alcoholic brother to live there, and that mother is suffering from dementia. Let them know you will not be participating in care, but believe your father's decision has endangered mom. Hopefully they will visit. Your mom is my concern here, but while she is in custody of an elder man making really rotten decisions and an alcoholic son, you cannot win alone to protect her.
You can attempt to get guardianship and removal of your mother, but this would be a fight and VERY expensive. That may make it impossible for you.
Not everything can be fixed. For the sake of your Mom I hope this doesn't fall in that category.
When they are not drinking, they are still annoying, because the only thing on there mind is what time it is and how close is it to the time they can drink again, and they love drama , that's just a tip of the iceberg.
I would probably have to stop going but I can't say because I'm not there. I try to never say never. Because honestly I'm not in your shoes.
I will say maybe join al-anon it might help you and help you figure out the right path forward and give you more support
Good luck, I'm truly sorry, I know what a horrible deasses this is. And I understand how it must hurt you to deal with this, and all you want is the best for your whole family
I feel your pain. My oldest brother, now deceased was an addict. Addiction doesn’t just hurt the addict. One way or another, it affects everyone in the household.
My brother would get clean but was never able to remain in his recovery. I understand your frustration and depression.
If someone won’t allow others to help them, there is nothing that you can do. Focus on tending to your own needs. You don’t have any control over what others do.
I attended Al-Anon and Nar-Anon meetings which helped.
I also went to a therapist to discuss my feelings. Growing up with an addict is messy, challenging and confusing. Unless a person experiences this sort of pain, they don’t know how complicated it truly is.
I chose to walk away from my brother.
My brother was a wonderful guy when he was clean. It’s heartbreaking to see an addict die from their destructive behavior.
It’s amazing to see how some parents will not turn their backs on their children no matter what they do.
Many people view this as going after the lost sheep. Often, they are afraid of any repercussions from turning their back on their children.
My mom even asked if my brother could move into our home. I told her no. My siblings also said no.
We had an honest discussion with my mother. She was upset but she understood why we couldn’t take him into our homes.
My brother was homeless until an old man befriended him and allowed him to move into an RV that he wasn’t using.
When my brother was close to death (liver failure) the old man took him to an end of life hospice care home where he died in 2013. I took my mom there to tell him goodbye.
I let go of any resentment and anger towards him. Mostly, I just felt sadness about his life being ruined and watching my mother bury her first born son.
Again, I understand all of your emotions. It’s really tough to be in a situation like this.
Wishing you peace during this challenging time in your life.