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I feel so guilty even writing this, but sometimes I find it challenging buying my mom’s groceries. She lives with my husband and I, and we have a little boy with a little girl on the way. I know finances are tight for everyone, but right now we are just feeling an extra pinch/pressure with medical bills (I have a high risk pregnancy) and needing to get our house ready for the new baby. My mom has been retired for some time and has SS, but no pension or savings, so her funds are very limited. Normally I don’t mind helping with groceries, but lately it’s been a struggle to get my budget to balance without digging into savings. It doesn’t help that I’ve been on bedrest for a while now and have had to turn to the more expensive option of ordering grocery delivery, which is definitely a significant factor. I was going to place a delivery, and my mom added things she needs/would like and literally doubled the cost of the order, so I haven’t placed it. I then tried a separate order at a different store and same thing. It drives my husband up the wall and is part of why my husband and I maintain separate finances, so we don’t argue about my mom. For years I paid my mom’s credit card debt of over $1000 per month (which caused tension between my husband and mom) until I told her I could not pay anymore and a lawyer convinced her bankruptcy was the best choice and, while things are better now financially, I just find myself struggling still to split my paycheck so many ways when I have a family we started to care for, too. Of course, it isn’t easy trying to manage family tensions, either. I don’t know what I’m looking for honestly…solidarity or solutions. I know my mom needs help, but I’m just feeling overwhelmed myself right now.

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Reply to Dawn88
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Does she pay you monthly rent?
Your life is stressful enough without her bad money habits she can't seem to stop.
Tell Mom to order and pay for her own groceries!
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Loveschocolate Oct 26, 2024
She watches our son and will watch our daughter, too, which is a huge help! We kind of think of watching the kids as an exchange for rent, but I know I need to set some more boundaries about spending, for sure.
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Sounds like a husband problem too. No reason why he can't do the shopping and save on delivery charges.

Having the grandparents move in is never like an episode of the Waltons.
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waytomisery Oct 25, 2024
Maybe since the mother’s financial fails are a sore subject and how OP paid the mother’s credit card bill $1000 a month for years , OP doesn’t bring up the delivery cost to her husband .

She keeps her finances separate to avoid having uncomfortable strain with her husband over her mother .

The mother is the problem , she’s got to move out . She’s a threat to this marriage . OP needs to get serious counseling to learn to stop being manipulated , propping up , or feeling responsible for her mother’s finances .
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You should not be paying for Mom’s food or her bills or anything else for that matter .

Get Mom signed up for a senior apartment , HUD type that her rent will be 1/3 of her social security check .

You have been enabling her by paying her bills and food .

Go get some counseling to learn to set boundaries . Mom could live a long time , and she will expect you to be her hands on caregiver too . Having Mom live with you will only get worse as she gets older .

I never think it’s good for young children to live in a home where their parents have to split their attention between children and an elder who can’t take care of themselves . It is not fair to the children .
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Loveschocolate Oct 26, 2024
Yes, I definitely need to work on setting better boundaries. That has been a multi year project and self-growth. Our relationship is in a better place than it once was, but I also have to remind myself that doesn’t necessarily mean it is quite where it needs to be just yet…
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Don’t pay for anything for your mother, the moocher.
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Reply to Southernwaver
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Loveschocolate, welcome to the forum. I order my groceries on-line and do curb-side pickup appointment. You don't say how old your Mom is, but does she still drive? Could she do curb-side pickup? Can your hubby do the pickup during times when he is not working? Order once a week. We always schedule our appointed pick-up line on Sunday morning when the line is almost empty.


Is your Mom going into the website under your name/password, or is she asking you to order these things? If she is going into your account herself, time to change the password, or double-check your order and remove items your Mom doesn't really need. Just tell her point blank you cannot afford to order these things.
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Loveschocolate Oct 26, 2024
My mom is not able to drive, but my husband can definitely pick up orders 😊 She is asking me to place the order (I started to keep my account separate from her a while ago because she really just isn’t the best with money). I did have to toughen up yesterday and told her that was too much for me, and instead she reduced the list to actual needs. I probably need to get more comfortable telling her “no!”
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I'm so sorry you're going through this.

An observation: Your mom didn't plan, save or adjust in order to care for herself in her old age. She apparently expected you and your family to make up for her negligence. That's kind of like jumping off the Empire State building and expecting someone to be on the ground holding a net.

Now your assets are going to be spent taking care of mom. You may not even be able to provide for your old age if you do that. This will pass a burden onto your own kids - welcome to the world, Baby Girl, and did you know that even though you came into this world naked and owning nothing, you already have one huge responsibility, which is taking care of daddy and me when we get to be your granny's age?

You need to think about where this is going and the precedent it sets.

Plus your mom should go live somewhere else.
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Loveschocolate Oct 26, 2024
I do fortunately keep some funds that are absolutely not touched under any circumstances for the purposes of retirement and to have some funds to help our kids starting out in life, but I definitely hustled to keep myself in that position! I wouldn’t turn to our kids to pay for us in our golden years, and I can see how that translates for me right now, too. Ugh…I know I have some tough conversations ahead….
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No solidarity from me girlfriend. Moms got to go, so you can get your life, finances and marriage back on track before your daughter arrives.
You ARE NOT your moms bank. The fact that she didn't save or plan for her retirement is NOT your problem but hers.
So she will have to move into a low income senior apartment, go on Medicaid and go to food banks if she's needing help in that area.
How are you ever going to have money for your future and children if you're constantly spending it on your mom? So just STOP already!!!!
So instead of trying how to save money when paying for moms groceries, start helping her find a new place to live where all those issues will be on her and not you and your young family.
You owe your mom NOTHING!!! As in NOTHING!!!
So cut those aprons strings that you still have attached to your mom and start putting your husband, marriage and children first and let mom now figure things out for herself.
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Loveschocolate Oct 26, 2024
I can see where you’re coming from. And, honestly, my husband would be on board with cutting the apron strings. I know some things need to change…
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Your post tells me 2 things,
One. You paid her CC debt for years at $1,000 per month,
obviously she was overspending, it shows she is not responsible person.
Two. If you order groceries for your family and she orders for the same amount shows she feels entitled.
You know number one problem in marriage is about money.
Add to that stress of cost of living and another baby means your expenses will increase exponentially.
You can offer Mom to help with budgeting but stop paying for her expenses.
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Loveschocolate Oct 26, 2024
Thank you. That is a good point about offering to help with budgeting instead of paying. I love my mom, but money management is just not her strength…
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Mom should be paying for her own groceries. Her SS should be used to cover her bills too. You should not be out of pocket. If her SS is not much, see if she qualifies for Supplimental income. Social Services can help you there. See if she qualifies for food stamps.
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Loveschocolate Oct 26, 2024
Thank you! I will definitely suggest she look into that!
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This is kind of funny lol

Mom should see if she qualifies for SNAP (food stamp program), If she does that can be a help.

Are you a member/Have you heard of Walmart+? Being a member, there is no charge for food delivery Combining that with SNAP order, sometimes there is no tip option.

One thing to watch out for though, Walmart ordering can become addictive.
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lealonnie1 Oct 26, 2024
Why is this situation funny cover? 😑
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So, your mom is also your children’s nanny. It’s a symbiotic relationship. Nothing wrong with that…when it works.

No more exchanges without it penciling out for both of you. Rent, hourly babysitting, itemized food, everything. All on paper and agreed to month to month. You need a written budget and you need to set it up together. I know; that’s a lot of work with all you have going on.

You're adding another member soon so it’s time to start running your family like a business. When you sit down together for your monthly business meeting, if things aren’t balancing out you may decide this partnership isn’t working. The upside is that you will have taught your mom how to budget for when she’s out on her own.
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