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He hasn’t been diagnosed yet, but his verbal outbursts are outrageous. He changes his mind about anything and everything constantly. I’m not a mind reader, but he gets so angry at me when he doesn’t get his own way. I’m 62, he’s 82. HELP!
Pamela, sorry your going through this. Most likely some dementia going on.
Do you live with your dad? What are your dad's health issues?
Google Teepa Snow, on YouTube, she will explain everything about dementia and all the dementia out there, and you can see if he has other symptoms that you haven't picked up on.
My dad was getting very angry that last few years, before he passed.
If no one is his PoA he may be past the cognitive point of assigning one. In this scenario it is possible for a family member to pursue guardianship through the courts or else call APS and allow a judge to assign a 3rd party guardian who will then make all decisions and perform all management for him, even if he's your husband.
Another way to "fast track" dealing with this is to call 911 the next time he becomes verbally abusive. You tell them about his aggression (but do not mention dementia since this isn't considered a medical emergency). Say he may have a UTI or other medical problem so that they take him to the ER. Once there they may do a social admission and keep him in their psych ward until they can control his aggression with appropriate meds. My cousin was in a hospital psych wing for almost a month until they finally got her to take meds to treat her UTI and for her anxiety/depression/aggression. She has ALZ and was only 68 yrs old...
If he does ever go to the ER make sure to tell them you're not his caregiver and cannot be, no matter what. The hospitals are desperate to send people home and may promise to "help" you once he's home but they won't. They may discharge him if he seems competent and no one is his PoA.
It may help expedite things if you can discretely video his behaviors to enforce your case to not send him home.
I'm sorry for this stressful situation. Please give us more info.
Please watch the videos of Teepa Snow on this subject, she’s excellent on explaining the many aspects of dementia. And he definitely needs an updated medical evaluation, preferably by a neurologist or geriatric psychiatrist who can test for dementia. Tell whatever lies needed to get him to an appointment. If that doesn’t work, next time he’s raging, call 911 and tell the operator you don’t feel safe, that it’s likely aggression from an undiagnosed medical condition and you need the police and transport to the hospital. Once there, advocate heavily for meds to calm his behavior. Consider if it’s time for him to live where there’s professional help available. I wish you peace
I think it's fear. Men get angry and aggressive when they're afraid. Probably some women do also, to be fair. But seems to be common in men. I guess there is plenty to be afraid of with dementia.
This can get dangerous. Please be sure to have a backup plan and get help if you feel threatened.
I am with iameli here. I think there is a whole lot of fear when men feel their executive functions disappearing. They are used to a "fix it mentality", used to being depended upon and streadfast, and when suddenly they are "losing it a bit" they slide quickly into denial. The denial can become quite horrible to the point that any reminders, any "but I told you that YESTERDAY, remember?" can make them last out with horrific fury.
I am wondering what other symptoms you are seeing, because if anger is the whole of it, then you likely are not looking at dementia, but at simply aging, retiring, losing yourself, some mental anxiety and depression. I am assuming this is your hubby or partner? Though with the age difference this could be a father, so do correct me if I am wrong.
I don't know how good you two were at talking BEFORE this? Because if you weren't used to facing and speaking of the "hard stuff" then you absolutely will not be able to now.
I swear this is the same lady who posted about her husband wanting a divorce and being mean yesterday ( or thereabouts) but I'll be danged if I can find it! The guy was her husband,, same ages and anger issues! It stuck with me because there are not alot of us Pamelas around!
It’s not just men… my mom is pretty aggressive with my dad and just generally agitated a lot of the time. She’s on medication but it’s not helping. He’s fed up. It’s just a crap situation all around.
I don’t have much help at all but I’m following so that I too can read about the aggression. I’m the whipping post for my mom’s dementia. We could be in a room full of people that she’s pleasant to. As she pans around looking at everyone (you can literally see her fear/anxiety) once she gets to me it’s as if she becomes someone else. Everyone else gets oh hi, how are you 🤗🤗. I get, wtf 🤬 are you doing🤬🤬. Mind you, I’ve not moved a muscle. Her anger towards me is noticed by everyone. My only thought is that when I was a teen, or even in my 20’s, we absolutely bumped heads. I think she’s that far back in her mind. I’m 60 this yr. So, I’m following for ideas as well…
Pam, There are medications that can help with aggression and agitation as well as anxiety. Some of the aggression and agitation may stem from anxiety. Talk to his doctor. In some cases if he gets angry can you walk out of the room, or leave the house? this might be enough for him to calm down or it removes you as a "target". Do not argue. Do not raise your voice. As a mater of fact if you can lower your voice and the pitch of your voice that might help. Higher registers are sometimes more difficult to hear. This might make him quiet down so he can understand you.
But please listen carefully.... If you EVER fear for your safety or his for that matter you MUST call 911. Tell the dispatcher that you are afraid for your safety (or his). At this point transportation to the hospital might be advisable. Once at the hospital you seek out a Social Worker and you tell them that you are afraid for your safety and that it is no longer safe for you at home.
If you have not seen an Elder Care Attorney to make sure you have all the paperwork done so that you can do what you need to do to keep you protected and make it easier for you to make the decision to place him if you need to. One other thing to keep in mind.... Most Memory Care facilities will not accept a resident that has had a "violent outburst" within typically a 90 day span.
The key here is how you take care of YOURSELF. * Give yourself timeouts. * Get caregivers in-you need days off every week. * Practice meditation * Do not take it personally (when you understand it isn't him... it's his changing brain/chemistry. He can't help it. * Read / study dementia/brain chemistry (Teepa Snow).
What causes extreme agitation in dementia patients?
Circumstances such as loneliness, too much stimulation or noise, frustration with doing simple tasks, loss of privacy or control, new caregivers or houseguests, or fear and fatigue from coping with dementia, can all contribute to agitation. Look at this link: https://www.webmd.com/alzheimers/alzheimers-aggression
In part, it says: Understand the Triggers
Alzheimer’s aggression can flare up without warning. There may not be an obvious cause. But many times, there are triggers you can spot before or during a problem. Common ones include:
Discomfort from lack of sleep, side effects from medication, or pain that they can’t describe
The environment around them, including loud noises, too much activity, or clutter Confusion from being asked too many questions at once, trying to understand complex instructions, or feeling the stress of caregivers
Being touched or feeling like their personal space was invaded, as with bathing or changing clothes
Noticing your anger or frustration
Being criticized or told they were wrong
Feeling rushed
Not being allowed to do something or go somewhere
Having to do something they didn’t want to do
Feeling threatened
Confusion about what was happening
Thinking something was happening that wasn’t (for example, accused you of things that aren’t true, such as having an affair or stealing things)
------- Look at this link: https://www.alz.org/help-support/caregiving/stages-behaviors/agression-anger
In part, it says: How to respond
1. Try to identify the immediate cause. Think about what happened right before the reaction that may have triggered the behavior.
2. Rule out pain as the cause of the behavior. Pain can trigger aggressive behavior for a person with dementia.
3. Focus on feelings, not the facts. Rather than focusing on specific details, consider the person's emotions. Look for the feelings behind the words or actions.
4. Don't get upset. Be positive and reassuring. Speak slowly in a soft tone. (I KNOW... THIS ISN'T EASY. Leave / take breaks as needed)
5. Limit distractions. Examine the person's surroundings, and adapt them to avoid similar situations.
6. Try a relaxing activity. Use music, massage or exercise to help soothe the person.
7. Shift the focus to another activity. The immediate situation or activity may have unintentionally caused the aggressive response. Try something different. Take a break. If the person is in a safe environment and you are able, walk away and take a moment for yourself.
8. Ensure safety. If the person is unable to calm down, always call 911 in emergency situations. Be sure to tell responders the person has dementia, which causes them to act aggressively. ------ Pain or Discomfort: General pain, side effects from medications, lack of sleep, and inability to describe their discomfort are all common symptoms that can trigger aggressive behavior or lashing out. Environment: This is the most common trigger for aggressive behavior in dementia patients. ------- What is the best mood stabilizer for dementia patients? Antidepressants such as sertraline, citalopram, mirtazapine and trazodone are widely prescribed for people with dementia who develop changes in mood and behaviour. There is some evidence that they may help to reduce agitation – particularly citalopram. -----
You need to take him to his primary care doctor and get him diagnosed. Tell doc whats going on and he should be able to prescribe some meds to calm him down.Then get POA .There are plenty of notaries that will come to the house and notarize the paper.You can print one from one of the websites like legal zoom. Get some help to come to the house so you can get a break.Its too much too hard it takes a village.So sorry for what you are going through.😥😥
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Do you live with your dad?
What are your dad's health issues?
Google Teepa Snow, on YouTube, she will explain everything about dementia and all the dementia out there, and you can see if he has other symptoms that you haven't picked up on.
My dad was getting very angry that last few years, before he passed.
Best of luck, we are hear for you
Is he your Dad , husband ? What’s the relation ?
He has lost his filter as well as control of his emotions . His brain is broken .
If you feel unsafe , next time he’s aggressive call 911. They will take him to the ER for psych eval and hold , so they can give him a calming med .
You can also call your local county Area of Aging . Ask to speak to a social worker there who can help you navigate this.
Stay safe.
What is your relationship to him?
Does he have a PoA?
Does he have any other medical issues?
If no one is his PoA he may be past the cognitive point of assigning one. In this scenario it is possible for a family member to pursue guardianship through the courts or else call APS and allow a judge to assign a 3rd party guardian who will then make all decisions and perform all management for him, even if he's your husband.
Another way to "fast track" dealing with this is to call 911 the next time he becomes verbally abusive. You tell them about his aggression (but do not mention dementia since this isn't considered a medical emergency). Say he may have a UTI or other medical problem so that they take him to the ER. Once there they may do a social admission and keep him in their psych ward until they can control his aggression with appropriate meds. My cousin was in a hospital psych wing for almost a month until they finally got her to take meds to treat her UTI and for her anxiety/depression/aggression. She has ALZ and was only 68 yrs old...
If he does ever go to the ER make sure to tell them you're not his caregiver and cannot be, no matter what. The hospitals are desperate to send people home and may promise to "help" you once he's home but they won't. They may discharge him if he seems competent and no one is his PoA.
It may help expedite things if you can discretely video his behaviors to enforce your case to not send him home.
I'm sorry for this stressful situation. Please give us more info.
This can get dangerous. Please be sure to have a backup plan and get help if you feel threatened.
I am wondering what other symptoms you are seeing, because if anger is the whole of it, then you likely are not looking at dementia, but at simply aging, retiring, losing yourself, some mental anxiety and depression.
I am assuming this is your hubby or partner? Though with the age difference this could be a father, so do correct me if I am wrong.
I don't know how good you two were at talking BEFORE this? Because if you weren't used to facing and speaking of the "hard stuff" then you absolutely will not be able to now.
There are medications that can help with aggression and agitation as well as anxiety. Some of the aggression and agitation may stem from anxiety.
Talk to his doctor.
In some cases if he gets angry can you walk out of the room, or leave the house? this might be enough for him to calm down or it removes you as a "target".
Do not argue.
Do not raise your voice. As a mater of fact if you can lower your voice and the pitch of your voice that might help. Higher registers are sometimes more difficult to hear. This might make him quiet down so he can understand you.
But please listen carefully....
If you EVER fear for your safety or his for that matter you MUST call 911. Tell the dispatcher that you are afraid for your safety (or his).
At this point transportation to the hospital might be advisable.
Once at the hospital you seek out a Social Worker and you tell them that you are afraid for your safety and that it is no longer safe for you at home.
If you have not seen an Elder Care Attorney to make sure you have all the paperwork done so that you can do what you need to do to keep you protected and make it easier for you to make the decision to place him if you need to.
One other thing to keep in mind....
Most Memory Care facilities will not accept a resident that has had a "violent outburst" within typically a 90 day span.
* Give yourself timeouts.
* Get caregivers in-you need days off every week.
* Practice meditation
* Do not take it personally (when you understand it isn't him... it's his changing brain/chemistry. He can't help it.
* Read / study dementia/brain chemistry (Teepa Snow).
What causes extreme agitation in dementia patients?
Circumstances such as loneliness, too much stimulation or noise, frustration with doing simple tasks, loss of privacy or control, new caregivers or houseguests, or fear and fatigue from coping with dementia, can all contribute to agitation.
Look at this link:
https://www.webmd.com/alzheimers/alzheimers-aggression
In part, it says: Understand the Triggers
Alzheimer’s aggression can flare up without warning. There may not be an obvious cause. But many times, there are triggers you can spot before or during a problem. Common ones include:
Discomfort from lack of sleep, side effects from medication, or pain that they can’t describe
The environment around them, including loud noises, too much activity, or clutter
Confusion from being asked too many questions at once, trying to understand complex instructions, or feeling the stress of caregivers
Being touched or feeling like their personal space was invaded, as with bathing or changing clothes
Noticing your anger or frustration
Being criticized or told they were wrong
Feeling rushed
Not being allowed to do something or go somewhere
Having to do something they didn’t want to do
Feeling threatened
Confusion about what was happening
Thinking something was happening that wasn’t (for example, accused you of things that aren’t true, such as having an affair or stealing things)
-------
Look at this link:
https://www.alz.org/help-support/caregiving/stages-behaviors/agression-anger
In part, it says: How to respond
1. Try to identify the immediate cause. Think about what happened right before the reaction that may have triggered the behavior.
2. Rule out pain as the cause of the behavior. Pain can trigger aggressive behavior for a person with dementia.
3. Focus on feelings, not the facts. Rather than focusing on specific details, consider the person's emotions. Look for the feelings behind the words or actions.
4. Don't get upset. Be positive and reassuring. Speak slowly in a soft tone.
(I KNOW... THIS ISN'T EASY. Leave / take breaks as needed)
5. Limit distractions. Examine the person's surroundings, and adapt them to avoid similar situations.
6. Try a relaxing activity. Use music, massage or exercise to help soothe the person.
7. Shift the focus to another activity. The immediate situation or activity may have unintentionally caused the aggressive response. Try something different.
Take a break. If the person is in a safe environment and you are able, walk away and take a moment for yourself.
8. Ensure safety. If the person is unable to calm down, always call 911 in emergency situations. Be sure to tell responders the person has dementia, which causes them to act aggressively.
------
Pain or Discomfort: General pain, side effects from medications, lack of sleep, and inability to describe their discomfort are all common symptoms that can trigger aggressive behavior or lashing out. Environment: This is the most common trigger for aggressive behavior in dementia patients.
-------
What is the best mood stabilizer for dementia patients? Antidepressants such as sertraline, citalopram, mirtazapine and trazodone are widely prescribed for people with dementia who develop changes in mood and behaviour. There is some evidence that they may help to reduce agitation – particularly citalopram.
-----
Gena / Touch Matters