Can I anonymously report dad's dangerous driving and is that my responsibility?

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Can I anonymously report dad's dangerous driving and is that my responsibility?

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Dad is approaching 90 years old and is fully aware with no memory issues, takes care of all his own bills, etc, and insists on independence. I thought he was driving well, but his driving at night was awful recently. Last year I rode with him on errands and an appointment so I could see how he was doing, and his driving and parking was spot on. But I accepted a short ride before dawn one morning recently, and it was scary. He does not drive at night at all otherwise. Now I'm scared about his daytime driving but I'm not with him generally so I don't know. I'm scared he might hurt someone or himself. We're in California. Does DMV deal with this at all, and can I report him and be anonymous? Should I speak to our local police about this? I don't want him to find out it was me. He insists he's doing well and doesn't need help. My therapist tells me this is not my responsibility, but I feel like since I knew about the dark-time incident, it kind of IS?

Care Decisions Dad Driving

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I hate the idea of limiting the little social freedoms seniors still have just because family/loved ones are fearful for them. I get the worry, I really do.

So why doesn't your dad agree to not drive at night, if that will make you feel better and you say he doesn't drive at night anyway?

You'll be crossing this bridge soon enough but I don't think you're there yet. Without something more serious as a basis for your anonymous report, I wouldn't do it. At this point, since he hasn't done anything except worry you, then I don't think it is your responsibility to report him. And your father could resent you, or be angry at you, if he finds out you've reported him, even if you believe it's an anonymous report.

I would tread carefully.

Others have suggested approaching this with his doctors. I think that's a good place to start.

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Reach out to his Dr that has diagnosed him. Tell the Dr your concerns and they can send in a medical report to have his license taken away or not be renewed. I did this with my husband's neurologist. She sent the report because I did not want my kids to know I was the one wanting him driving anymore for his safety and of others. The Dr had no problem with my request after the DMV kept renewing his license 2 years in a row.

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Also in California. My husband reported his mother (MCI) and his father (almost blind from macular degeneration) at the end of October 2020. He asked for anonymity, but gave all contact information, cited his relationship, and checked off the boxes on the form. His parents have received no notification from the DMV, but both were driving without valid licenses. My FIL had gotten an extension because of the pandemic and continued to drive even though his ophthalmologist told him NOT TO DRIVE. The parents have gotten no notification of anything. Since everything is now completely invalid because enough time has gone by, they would have to retest. When my FIL was in the hospital lately, he had the neighbor go over and unhook the battery cables on the car because while he thought HE could drive, he knows she cannot. It's a big emotional mess as she called and yelled at my husband because she wanted to go to the store for ice cream. ("It's JUST around the corner!" she said.) I pray you get more response from the DMV than we have.

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From another California gal.....I don't know about other states but here your insurance will not cover you once you have a diagnosis of an incapacity like MCI or ALZ or dementia. Even if the accident IS NOT YOUR FAULT you WILL be considered AT FAULT and your insurance will NOT cover you. This leaves you and your estate at risk. This is not a chance anyone wants to take. You have worked long and hard to build an estate to care for your later years. Our primary doctor notified the DMV and my husband's license was revoked immediately. We got him a California official Senior Pass which is accepted as a legal ID.
The Dr, said it is easier to tell a person they have a terminal disease than to tell them they can not drive.
Good luck

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Hi Calgirl,

Do you think there's anything else going on with your Dad, or do you think this was just that he shouldn't be driving at night--That this is a visual problem?
Why not go for a ride with him during the day? If there are still issues, then discuss it with the DMV.
I think you're smart for staying on top of this. Unfortunately the older we get the quicker physical changes happen. He could have had a decline in his skillset since last year. Neither you or your dad want someone hurt if he's having trouble with his driving. I'm side-eyeing your therapist, who surely knows that if there's a safety issue here that your dad shouldn't be driving, and that they should be reporting him if they think he's a danger to others.

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Had this problem with my father a few years ago. DMV didn't do much. He had bought a car without a drivers license. So one day he was driving home from my house to his, so I called the police. They stopped him at home talked to him then called me over to give the car keys to a responsible adult as his DL was expired and suspended. I took the car and told him had 3 months to show me a valid DL. He couldn't so we took over the payments. (was cheaper for them as the car was trashed and they were upside down on the loan). If you do not do something and he kills someone how will you feel. But be prepared to help out more.

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you must not have read her entire post carefully to say this

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Calgirl: Imho, yes, you need to report his driving to the DMV as they are the organization who issues DLs, albeit night time driving is poor only or not. If you were to say nothing, you would regret it if your father has a vehicular accident, especially if he injures someone else or himself. Perhaps, as stated by CountryMouse, your father MAY not have been fully awake in the pre dawn hours.

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Driving is the true equalizer. It makes one feel powerful and useful. Women are just as powerful behind the wheel as men. A driver’s license is clear evidence of independence. Just think of yourself as a newly licensed driver. Aah, the freedom! So no one wants that taken away. It looks as though your father is aware that his vision is not as good at night and has avoided driving at night and he tried to do you a favor. And now you want to do him a favor by keeping him safe and people along the roadway safe. Both of my parents had to give up driving and both of them agreed to give it up without a fight. I’ll tell you how I did it. Peer pressure from peers of their own generation. I spoke with a dear friend of my father’s and we hatched a plan. I had a casual and friendly conversation with my dad about dangerous drivers and the havoc they can wreck on other people’s lives and their own lives. I purposely did not bring up my dad’s driving and in no way implied that conversation was about him in any way. This is an easy conversation to have because it is about other people and your dad will not get defensive. A few days later, as scheduled, his good friend called and said he was thinking about giving up driving. He was concerned about hurting other people and was equally concerned about the legal liabilities he could face if he got in an accident and hurt or killed someone. He did not want to place his wife in financial jeopardy in case a court ruled against him. (He is an attorney and knows how unpredictable courts can be.) A few days later my dad came to me and said he was going to give up driving, but not his license. He never drove again. When my Mom was diagnosed with AD, we had the doctor talk to her about the risks of driving with AD. He never told her not drive, but certainly left her with the impression that driving was not a good idea. On the way home from the doctor’s appointment my Dad told my mom he had given up driving because it was the best thing for our family and that she should think about doing the same. She agreed to stop driving. We put the keys in a different spot (we didn’t need to hide them because they couldn’t remember the spot) and neither of them sat behind the wheel again. We (my siblings and I) made ourselves available to drive them where they wanted to go and made regular plans to get them out of the house. When their licenses expired we got them state IDs. It extremely important that you treat your father with dignity and kindness. Best wishes.

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A perfect response! Thank you 😊

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First I want to be clear...you need to make sure he is having issues driving in the daytime...otherwise you shouldnt report him on a hunch....can u follow him somewhere a few times... And see how bad it is...try backroads and not the freeway... If he truly is having problems u will see it after following him 2 times. Or driving with him. My mom hates driving at night....so I agree that he probably knows thats not best.

My dad had parkinsons dementia...We had a serious talk with him when he was 85 after he drove away from my house and then ended up on the sidewalk right around the corner he busted his tire of his tesla and the police came and I was traumatized because if he had made it to the freeway he would not have lived trust me he may not like it or agree with it but it's in everyone's best interest you don't want your dad to die in a car accident or God forbid hurt someone else on accident I was very close with my father before he passed from Parkinson's related issues my whole family was. He was our rock....i spoke with my mother and we all sat him down and told him no more driving. He understood and agreed. He saw the terror in my eyes when I saw him "crash"... And I believe he knew it was for the best.
Parkinsons related illnesses arent a very quick death but it could be much more painful if he gets into a car accident and hurt himself or breaks a leg or God forbid something worse you will regret it later if you don't deal with this now... he can still get around by having someone else drive him or
using a taxi service ....my dad built studebaker's from the ground up as a hobby. So cars was his thing. He was the best man ive ever known and I'm happy we took his keys away...in the end its only being with family that truly matters...not the freedom of driving.

On another note..when I was about 20 I was driving down the road and looked to my left...and saw a car driving down the sidewalk in the opposite direction
..for a good 3 blocks.. I didnt understand then that this man needed help. I hope someone was able to recognize the signs and stopped to help him.
Trust me if u saw him driving erratically once its more than likely happening more often. Ease your mind and sit him down with your family and discuss moving foward....

May god be with you and hold you in these hard times. He doesnt promise us a painless trauma less life. But he does promise to never leave our sides...and if we believe and keep faith... An eternity in heaven with our loved ones.

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Yes exactly there are people such as him who drive fine during the day but don’t have good night vision. A lot of people didn’t seem to pay attention to this and instantly recommended calling dmv

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I didn’t have any choice in the matter. In CA if a neurologist, after testing and diagnosis, believes the patient is unfit to drive, she legally has to report it to the DMV. The driver can appeal the decision and take a special test and evaluation as proof of capability. So far my husband ( only in his mid-seventies) has made no attempt to get the evaluation. He knows where and how to do it. I think. somehow, he knows its the right decision.

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Ran into an interesting and scary situation. An elderly friend had a spell of unconscious collapse and was treated in Nevada, just over the state line from California, where she lives. The doctors in Nevada did not report it to the California DMV and her family had a real fight to get the CA DMV to get her off the road. She was a drinker and the meds she had to take should not be taken with alcohol.

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My dad was 84 when I took away his car keys. Understand that he lived with me. I followed him home from the nursing home where my mother was one day and was appalled at his weaving across a 4 lane road. My dad lived to drive his precious Mercedes. When he retired from the Army, he was chief of the motor pool at Ft. Hood. That was his identity.

He was very angry when I took away his keys...understandably. He also was addicted to oxycodone for back pain and sciatica. So, I started taking him and picking him up from the nursing home twice a day - at meal times for my mom. At that time, I was a nurse working every weekend and homeschooling our son during the week. I took him to every doc appointment which, until that time, was his socialization outlet. It was hard but necessary. I am thankful to Jesus that he had not been in an accident causing injury to someone else before this.

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This is something to ask your local DMV about. Whether you are legally responsible or morally responsible is nebulous at best. You should talk to the experts and follow their advice.

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There is another issue - under some circumstances insurance company may refuse to pay on the grounds that elder should not have been driving. It could mean a catastrophic financial hit and the rest of the family could thus be affected.

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i would talk with your local department of aging about your situation. Some states require notification of DMV in situations like you are facing. I would also contact an estate attorney to make sure your dad has things like a will and appropriate powers [financial and health] in place. Also talk with your dad's doctors about what is going on - possibly taking your dad to a neurologist to make an assessment of his capabilities. I believe some of the answers provided on this forum to be unduly harsh and in some cases misdirected. You are right to be concerned and to want to do the right thing especially for your dad. These are never easy decisions and the more support you get the better you will be able to function. Also do you have any siblings or other family you can talk with to help develop some type of plan of action. Good luck to you and know that you are not alone!

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I think your father's smart enough to know not to drive at night which you have stated and you brought him out in the dark knowing he doesn't drive after dark and asked for a ride now you're trying to get online to make you feel it's alright to snitch out your father for not driving the best in the dark which by your own words he doesn't do he did it as favor to you. You go to DMV he'll likely loose his license and unless you were coming home drunk that morning you obviously don't have a license to be driving him around it's going to cost him his indepence he'll wind up in a nursing home and probably die much quicker. You go to the police they'll watch and wait and arrest him for wreckless driving if they catch him which might just kill him he's 90 he'll likely have a heart attack being arrested or sitting in a holding cell with criminals and you will be totally to blame. You need to learn responsibility he shouldn't be coming out after dark to give you a ride. He doesn't like driving after dark probably has night time blindness lots of seniors have a harder time seeing after dark.

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This does not help Op at all…..lot of negativity in your post.

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Look up online or call the local DMV office to determine the laws in your state. Arizona allows a citizen report, which triggers a letter to the driver telling them they must have a Dept of Motor Vehicles form signed by a medical doctor stipulating they are capable to drive.
I turned in my 94 year old father who was getting lost and whose driving was scary, accompanied him to the doctor, who, after chatting for a bit, told him to stay within a 5-mile radius of his home. I made him a map and talked with him about the new rules for his protection and he said, “I’m not going to do that. I’m going to drive wherever I want to, and nobody is going to tell me anything different.” Additionally, his license didn’t say anything about it other than a code for law enforcement.
I didn’t want to turn him in but I also didn’t want him to end up being lost or hurting others. 3 months later he had a medical event that initiated assisted living and he didn’t drive again. Keep trying with your dad.

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Getting the DMV involved is not necessary and certainly can make matters worse. Also your therapist is wrong, wrong, wrong!! I am surprised if you are still seeing her. Your loved ones are your responsibility once you notice a problem and perhaps when your father kills or hurts someone your therapist can then treat your guilt problem! In your heart you know she is wrong! when I took my husband’s keys away he told me he was glad he didn’t have to drive anymore. He had been to a neurologist who wanted to take him off the road immediately but we waited and when I felt scared to ride with him I took his keys away. Explain to your father that you are afraid to ride with him and why and refuse to do so anymore. If that does not work get some backbone and take control. Your therapist is incompetent, you are not!!!!!!!

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I agree.

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Here is a partial copy of a post I left about a month ago. I did not do it anonymously but requested that they not disclose who reported her if it came up.

After numerous discussions with my wife concerning this matter and at every breath she refused to ever think that her driving was suspect. All of the 50 years I have known her, she could only concentrate on ONE thing at a time. I did report my wife to the DMV because numerous Drs refused to get involved. She was having Partial Complex seizers at that time. When my then 10 YO son came home from being out with her scared to the point of shaking saying "Daddy, I never want to go ANYWHERE mommy is driving!". I had known her driving skills were lacking, and this was long before her dementia diagnosis, but I did nothing.

Doing this was one of the biggest stress relief actions of my life. I have never regretted it nor have I ever felt guilty about about it.

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Well you son had more sense and courage than you. Hope you did not make anyone ride with her - seizures are an automatic no drive in CA and should be everywhere. Why were you so cowardly?

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I had to deal with this with my mother. Most of the time my Aunt or I were there to drive her, but if left alone she would think of some reason to go out in the car. I finally had to involve her MD and after a brief discussion and a mini cog she contacted the DMV and Mom got the letter. She was so mad she put the wheels in motion to change Primary Care Drs. It as least kept her off the road. We left her car there so that when we took her out we used her car. I told her the DMV sent a copy of the letter to the police dept and they would be checking to be sure she wasnt driving.

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Most of the time you have to just suck it up and do the deal yourself. You cannot expect the DMV or any doctor to enforce him not driving. They are not there. They cannot physically stop him. Has he seen a neurologist to get evaluated. That's what we finally did with my FIL. The neurologist who works with the elderly had a driving simulation that they had him do. He failed miserably. They showed him all the times he hit or almost hit someone or something on the simulation. They showed him how slow his reaction times were, his poor hand/eye coordination. Then they appealed to his good heart, and told him they knew he would never forgive himself if he hurt/killed, his wife, or a young family on the road, and they told him there were other opportunities and ways to still be independent without driving.

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Shame on Your Doctor. Get POA asap and I hope someone else can answer your question. Prayers.

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I know you said he’s a good driver but due to his age I think it would be more appropriate going forward if you need a ride at that hour to ask a friend or get a taxi or Uber to drive you at that pre dawn time

Since he otherwise doesn’t drive in the middl of the night, his night driving is irrelevant to his driving safety at this time

What’s relevant is he drives fine during the daytime so why would you anonymously report his driving as a concern? There’s a lot of people who drive fine during the day when it’s light out but can’t drive at night and he sounds like he’s one of them so if you want to know see how he drives during the DAY and if he’s fine then no basis to report anything- once my dad was in his 70s and 80s and was still active he drove during the day ( he had good night vision too but never drove at night bc he was an early to bed person who started his day early and got all his errands and things he wanted to do done by mid afternoon at the latest usually by 2 or 3 pm at the very latest, my mother was safe to drive during but once she was in her sixties on she didn’t have good night vision and by the age usually didn’t have anywhere to go at night obviously but the couple times she did in her late sixties have something she wanted to attend after it was dark she either declined or asked someone else - by the age of early 70’s didn’t involve going out at night as is pretty much the case for most folks once they’re in that season of life .

what’s relevant and important is his daytime driving and it sounds like that’s something he easily does, if you want to make sure you can ask him to drive somewhere close by w you during the day and if it’s fine then you know he’s fine to drive

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Read a lot of posts mostly heartless idiots but you @Sarah3 are actually making sense unlike the majority of the others who probably didn't even read the entire thing or just don't care about the results of the weasel posters suggestions in getting their father arrested by the police at 90 years old for giving themselves a ride after dark knowing their father doesn't drive after dark to begin with did their child a favor and now they might wind up in jail or a nursing home

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My 80 year old sister is in an ALF going on 2 years. Early on she had her car with her. She drove herself to the ALF a day early so she would have her car there. One of the reasons she was going to a facility was because she was getting lost, not remembering where she was going and other similar scenarios. First month there there ALF took her keys as she was getting lost and calling them to get her. Obviously we were contacted and concerned. She was calling the police to say her keys were stolen. My husband and I went to the local police station, proper POA papers in hand and told them we would be taking her car, in the middle of the night and the reasons behind out actions. Her car was safely placed in her garage. She didn’t miss the car, but she constantly, even now, demands her keys! She even went as far as calling a cab to take her home to get her spare set. $75 one way from ALF to home. She couldn’t get in she had no key and she couldn’t remember her garage code. Her neighbor got in touch with us and we got a friend to take her back! Why didn’t we go get her, she is in FL and we are a 9 hour drive away in S.C. When she began asking for the car again we did tell her it needed inspection and we put it in the garage. That was the truth! Doesn’t remember that conversation, but continually demands her keys.
Why don’t we give her keys? We had to pay for replacements for her ALF fob 3 times, they have never been found. We did give her a set of keys, a mishmash of old keys. Guess what, they haven’t been found.

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This was the biggest challenge of the entire caregiving experience. Eye doctors were enabling Dad, who was 95, by giving him the results he needed to renew his license which he needed to do annually due to the results. His GP wouldn’t get involved. Finally, a tech at one of his many eye exam locations supported my concerns and told him the results were not sufficient to legally drive. He had driven through a flock of Ibises that he hadn’t seen at all. He was followed home by a horrified witness. This was one of several examples that it was time. His license wasn’t renewed. That didn’t stop him. We needed his car because aides drove it when taking him to appointments and to run errands. He had keys hidden everywhere. Finally, I put a club on the car and gave the aides the key. He tried to drive it with the club on. Eventually, he said he wouldn’t drive and meant it. The previous time(s) he said he had his fingers crossed behind his back. To go to the fitness center, and more eye appointments (hoping for a different result), he used a transportation system that required scheduling the day prior and a round trip was $6. His aides took him shopping. I took him to doctors appointments. It wasn’t easy to have empathy when it felt so confrontational, but it was important for me to remember what a loss this was for him. Figuring out transition options that Dad would accept was a big piece of the puzzle. Wishing you the best.

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Check with your state’s DMV website. I know in Ohio, it is possible for a person to send a letter to the DMV to report their concerns and to expect a response from the DMV regarding the letter.

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Yes. You should report. But you need to go further than that. If your father is no longer fit to drive you need to take proactive steps. My sister and I went to Oregon and disabled my father's car and then arranged taxi service for him to get around.

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YOUR THERAPIST IS WRONG---YES IT IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY..big time!
Your dad is going to end up maiming or killing someone with careless driving, especially bicyclist or motorcycle. The Department of Motor Vehicles (DMV) allows people to report unsafe drivers, often anonymously. You don’t have to be a doctor, anyone can file a report.
https://dailycaring.com/8-ways-to-stop-an-elderly-person-from-driving-when-all-else-fails/

If he kills someone due to careless driving, the law will make him stop driving. And he will also face manslaughter charges. The legal fees alone will decimate his assets completely. Then I imagine you will have to see a therapist due to the guilt for not intervening for his safety and those of others.

Driving is NOT a right. It's a privilege; being so, one must do so responsibly and safely.

Drivers can be reported by completing a Request for Driver Reexamination form at www.dmv.ca.gov or by calling (800) 777-0133.

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I feel that it is your responsibility. While your Dad may be very angry, as it is one thing that is very difficult to give up. Driving is a privilege and gives one a sense of independence. Once you take that from an elderly person, their lives feel meaningless as that is how my Dad was.
I was told that you need to look at the other side of the street, if your Dad was to get involved in an accident and your dad was injured or died, you would feel bad, however, if he was involved in an accident and he caused the death of someone as well as himself, how bad would you feel?
There is no telling how your Dad would respond if he survived the accident, it is no longer about just his independence, it is about the welfare of everyone that he may affect by his poor judgement and selfishness to be independent. It hurt me big time having to take my dad's car and license, but I am so glad that I did although it added to my daily activities such as getting him to and from appointments or getting groceries, it was worth it to me not to be worried about the what might or could happen if he was on the road.
Best wishes on whatever choice you make.

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Hello Galgirl

Yes,you should be concern about your 90 year old dad driving instance.

This sound like an issue that should be address ASAP.

I am learning about dementia and it’s effect on our love ones;which is painful to experience.

Talk to all people involved in dad’s affair.

Aging can be a slow process,but if we live long enough it will come upon us.

Unfortunately Dad might be in denial. Independent is something we don’t want to loose,or except we need help!

Continue to love Dad. Watch his back; say something about this scarey feeling you have. You love him! Right!

Do it now;before dad ‘s driving becomes dangerous.🙏🏾

Stay with this web site. It can be a helpful resource.

God bless you and keep you in his care.

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I took easy way out and told mother her license expired... which it did and that I couldn't afford to renew it for a while. She forgot pretty quickly. Otherwise would've been huge issue.
Sounds cheesy but it worked.👍
Good luck.🙂

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I disagree with your therapist. It is your responsibility to stop him from driving. Imagine if he killed someone. What would you feel then? Contact the DMV office and ask them your question.

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Can I anonymously report dad's dangerous driving and is that my responsibility?

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