My aunt is in assisted living because she is ill and has mild dementia. She has become belligerent because she does not want to be there. She screams and calls me or my family 15x a day to take her home. She can’t be home alone because she forgets to take her meds and forgets to eat. And it is safer to be there. I’m afraid she will leave the facility and be in danger. The facility also can’t stop them if they actually want to leave. I am her POA what can I do if she decides to leave on her own? I know it will be dangerous for her but I have my own family so I can’t be avail all the time for her? Do I just let her go. She won’t even let me hire a caregiver at her home to make sure she is safe and taking her meds.
First, I recommend engaging a dementia and geriatric expert (e.g., geriatric psychologist; social worker) to discuss options to help your aunt adjust to the new living situation. Even a call to the Alzheimer's Association hotline could be a good starting place.
Second, perhaps there is another assisted living facility that would be more appealing to her? Does she have friends who live in a particular facility? See if you can find out what she objects to in the place where she currently lives. Maybe they can be addressed. It is a big change from going from ones home to a more regimented situation.
Finally, I recommend talking with an elder law attorney. As her dementia gets worse, you may be able to petition the court to become her guardian, in which case you will be able to make decisions for her. SEE https://www.naela.org/
Tell her it is a luxury apartment, with helpful staff always available to help her with anything she needs. Make it clear to her that she can not safely live on her own.
Block her calls, but be sure YOU call her daily, at your convenience, so she doesn't feel forgotten. And be prepared to hear her complain and express her frustrations. Just listen. You can repeat the mantra, "This is your new home. You are safe and cared for here. You can't live safely on your own."
At some point, it will be useless to give any explanation, and it won't really matter to her. Try re-directing her attention to something else, more positive, instead of getting sucked in to a futile argument.
We often disagree with modern medicine keeping people alive far longer that is appropriate, while overlooking the way that family do much the same thing.
However, she says she has POA, which makes the niece responsible for the safety of the mentally compromised aunt. So, I wondered if she, the niece, would be held accountable if something bad happens. I don't really know what the consequence would be.
If she did not have POA, I would say, so what if the aunt lives on her own and doesn't take good care of herself?
Gena / Touch Matters
I have been my mom's POA for 12 years now and I was unable to make any of her decisions until 2 years ago when the doctor determined she was unable to make rational and safe decisions for herself. When residents move into AL they go through an adjustment period, depression, anger, thoughts of leaving,saying they wish god would take them. In a supportive environment with the right interventions and redirection and of course professionals therapist these residents do adjust but there is no crystal ball to say when.
When my mom moved into a long-term care facility 2 years ago, she eloped once and was very verbally abusive to staff, I was able to change her behavior and her wanting to elope by using what I call a therapeutic fib. I told her that I got a fine for her cursing and her eloping it was a small fine but it only got higher each time and I can't afford to be paying thousands of dollars. My mom was always very thrifting and concerned with spending money so I knew that would work and it has for over 2 years now
Any updates on your situation? I would love to know where this all stands.
If you continue as POA, get her a functional and cognitive evaluation before making any decisions. She may need a different level of care than AL or will soon from what you are describing. She may need medication for anxiety. She may even be suffering side effects from medication. Talk to her doctor about all of this.
All of you have the ability to block her from calling. I suggest doing this on a rotating schedule. She can only reach one of you on any given day or in any given week. She won't understand this and don't try to explain it. Eventually she may stop calling out of frustration. If she asks, just tell her "We can't all be on-call for you every day."
Finally, as her POA, you should be preparing a plan to sell her home if you know she cannot return. It should not be sitting empty, and you may need those funds for her care. Perhaps that extra money will allow Aunt to move to a nicer facility with a bigger apartment where she will have better QOL. Best of luck!
If indeed she has not been deemed to have no decision making capacity, and your role as POA as per your contract is that of a typical POA not more like a guardian, then technically she "can" go back to home to live .
Your power is not in "stopping her" per se, but in that you can refuse to do things you feel inappropriate, unsafe etc. If she was able to get a ride from the AL to her house by someone, you are under no obligation to help set up any system at home. You could, even now, pre-emptively say that you are opposed at trying to live at home, and if she did find a way to go there, you will wash your hands of everything, not help a bit, and resign your POA. hopefully other family members will support this. Hopefully then she will realize should could not pull it all off on her own.
This is the primary reason I say that anyone with dementia should NOT be in Assisted Living unless they are living with someone that is cognizant and can monitor them. (typically a spouse)
With dementia your aunt should be in Memory Care.
In ALF people are, as you observed, usually free to come and go, though there usually is a sign out expected and sign back in. They are not free simply to leave without any notice whatsoever.
As she is in ALF I am assuming, you as her POA were involved in admitted her into ALF.
Is that correct?
What talks have you had with the administration lately regarding her deteriorating mental status, and this fear/danger of her leaving without care without discharge?
It will help to have more information about yours and your Aunt's history with her admission into care, and just when her behavior became so worrisome to you.
If you are POA and she has been declared incompetent to make decisions, your in charge. Does she use her phone to call anyone but you. And if she does call others, are the calls complaining and want to leave? If so, lose the phone if a cell. She does not need it. Tell the AL, the only calls you want is for emergencies. They are not to allow her phone access. She needs to except the AL as her home and being able to call you 15x a day is not allowing her to get settled in. Once she does, then maybe you can rnoeturn the phone and have a certain time of the day to call her. Make sure staff knows u took the phone so they don't spend time looking for it.
Its no longer what your Aunt wants but what she needs. Your are her representative and you make the decisions. As soon as you except that you arevin charge the easier things will be. They is going to be a lot of fibing going on. Lets hope she does not remember from day to day what you have said. When she asks about going home, tell her you will work on it. When she asks again, I am working on it or just have not had the time. You know Aunt, that I work and have a family so have to do things for you when I have time. If she has a home, sell it asap.
Now it’s been a while and she doesn’t mention it as much.
The other option is locked memory care unit for your aunt.