My mother is 83 years old, she has lived alone for decades. She has high blood pressure, high cholesterol and is prone to old-age depression. The past 2 years her memory has started to decline and her conversations are very repetitive. In the past year she had 1 or 2 minor falls and sustained some bruising. In June this year she fell on the coffee table and fractured a rib. 6 weeks later she fell again and fractured her hip, she could not crawl for help and we only found her 12-24 hours later. After a long stay in hospital and rehab, she is finally home with 24 hour care. During rehab, she would not listen on how to manouvre with her hip and walker. Once at home, she would walk without her walker as much as possible and ignored our pleas that she could not do this. She would not go out anywhere because she was embarrassed of her walker, she said she didn’t need a walker, a walking stick would suffice and she would start to socialise again if she has a walking stick, my sibling gave in and purchased a walking stick. She is not happy having careworkers in her home 24/7 and insists she can live on her own if someone comes to check on her twice a day and helps with her medication etc. I am not comfortable with this, as I believe she is no longer able to live alone. My sibling is on the brink of giving in to her request to get rid of the 24 hour care and only have someone look in on her twcie a day. What is the general consensus out there?
Partner is 84
We live independently. With stairs. A two flat and old building; he still does more than a few repairs. We are still taking long walks, fostering a dog, cooking, cleaning, gardening, driving, shopping........................SO FAR.
I am a retired RN, so I have seen a lot.
Our children, as the vagaries of life would have it, are crumping before us. Illnesses, and auto immune stuff and debilitating falls (daughter's doctor looked at her hip MRI and said "What happened, you fell off a horse and then the horse fell on YOU?").
So basically, we are on our own with the decision of "How long can you do this".
The the thoughts, now, for both of us is that independent living is a joke when it would cost in our area about 15,000 a month and we are already DOING IT in our own building. ALF isn't something we are ready for. So....................
Here we are. Still. Today.
I took a flier in the street Saturday; balance is an issue, and so are our streets and sidewalks; I can't recover myself on a trip-and-fall. Nothing busted....................THIS TIME. I do look as though the old man beat me.
I am just saying, if something DOES happen, and I make it back home, I will look askance at the one who tells me what I must use and what I must not do and etc. 24/7 care I can't much imagine unless we are talking billionaire status. We are said to have lots of them; haven't seen one on Forum yet. That I know of.
All this to say, back away as much as you are able.
Let us IMAGINE that it ALL GOES SOUTH badly. The truth is that we all die. Is dying at home not as good as doing it in a nursing home? Perhaps better?
More and more (and of course it is MY AGE) I think that it's an option this going out of the home feet first. The nursing homes are to make YOU feel better. Not us. And you won't feel better, because you can read in this very thread someone worrying about her mom's bruises. You will STILL WORRY. Feel responsible. And you AREN'T.
Only you know the fine tuning in this, your own situation. I don't.
Only you can decide just how much to interfere. But you won't be thanked for it, and you may be thanked a lot more for just allowing her to be in her home so long as she is able. She fully understand that the grim reaper will soon be a-knocking.
Just some food for thought from someone who is "there". Be glad I didn't tell you about my partner's stroke two weeks ago!
Now go and do it your own way, best you are able.
She needs to go to assisted living.
The memory problems , possibly causing her to burn the house down is the problem . Sounds like she shouldn’t be alone. If you lose this debate with your sibling and Mom is alone , I would disable the stove , get rid of candles matches , lighters etc.
My Mom (90+) was one of them. After numerous falls, there was one fall that changed her life forever, it was a fall with a major head trauma. Mom fell in her kitchen. She could no longer function as the head injury accelerated her mild dementia into later stage, plus she kept forgetting she couldn't no longer stand up, so she was placed in a skilled nursing facility as she needed a village to help her.
After what Mom went through, my Dad was quick to sell their home and move into a senior living facility. Oh how he wished my Mom would have agreed to this so that she could have still been with him. He loved it there, especially being around people from his own generation :)
I've been in this very similar situation for quite a while.
I will say, if your not poa be very careful what you say to your siblings and mom, because if they know how you feel you could be pushed out of any of not all decision making.
Many people age at home and choose to, they would rather die on the bathroom floor than go into the system. That is what some of us here have had to accept.
What I have done is put my worry about mom out of my mind, as much as possible. I have no power no control, it's me against mom and 3 siblings.
What I have done, was tell my family, what I'm willing to do and not willing to do. If I see that I'm enabling mom to stay home when she definitely should not be alone, I'm walking. Mom has a degenerative spine, if she has another episode where she can't walk , I'm done. I will not watch her in pain again. I will not bring her to doctors in a wheelchair again I will not do physical care. It's been like 6 months since her last episode and physical therapy has been done for over a month, so I'm filling expecting, that it's about time for more decline, soon.
So id advise you to figure out your boundaries now, and stick to them
Of course I agree mom should not be left alone for long periods of time, but it does happen
Tell your sister that if she gets rid of 24/7 help, you are not her Plan B. She can go that road alone.
Your mom needs to be tested for dementia.
Perhaps you could talk sensibly to her, and tell her that there is a real chance that she will fall and be in serious pain until she is found, possibly die. Does she want to take that chance? What does she think about death, and how would she like it to happen? You may find it easier to accept her choice if you are confident that she is competent to understand the risks and it is genuinely her choice, no matter how it turns out.
Perhaps a good idea is to write her a (legible) letter after the conversation, saying that you are sorry about her choice (if that is true), and that she can change her mind at any time she wishes. If she would like to try out a facility, you can arrange respite for a couple of weeks so that she has a real understanding of the options. I am 77 at present, and I certainly wouldn’t want either of my daughters to decide how I live my own life - now or in the foreseeable future.
After a long period of contemplation and reading this forum, I have come around to agreeing with Margaret, Alva, Elizabeth and others. My mom’s mind is intact and she has the right to make her own decisions. It’s me who struggles with the idea of her dying alone after hours in pain on the floor after a fall. Or me who fears finding her that way, either alive and injured or dead.
She actively prefers this to the idea of moving to AL or a facility of any kind or having live-in help. A few really do die quickly and at least relatively quickly in their own homes or soon after a fall. This is actually a best case scenario. It just took me a long while to realize it. Of course, most falls don’t lead to quick death.
What I now fear more — and I think she does too — is a long period of increased helplessness. I am pretty sure if she broke a hip and needed rehab and physical therapy, she would hate it and be uncooperative, so would wind up in a wheelchair and then could not live alone.