We just can't seem to connect on the same level. Any suggestions?

I'm an oldest child. My firstborn refers to herself as "the captain of the children"...she's 35, by the way. I think that there is an inborn tendency among us f irstborns to try to shepherd our siblings, sort of like Border Collides, if you will. Family gatherings like funerals have a tendency to throw us back into our childhood roles. What is she trying to control? Is it something important, or is it a trivial matter? Only you can decide that. But don't let childhood hurts and jealousies rule your current behavior.

thats comical elaine,
an outburst in court is never a good thing .
my cuz tried to put up a sign banning me from my aunt edna at NH recently . heaven forbid , i trimmed ednas bangs out of her eyes . id like to have been a fly on the wall when NH explained to cuz that edna was a ward of the state and NH and she didnt have any authority in the matter . overemotional people are their own worst enemies ..

My condolences for your father's passing. Our mother died in 2002, we three sisters came together to get through the funeral, division of jewelry, but there were so many hard feelings from what they did to her during her end of life, we basically do not speak now, and these are toxic relationships so I am much better off without them. Not all families should be speaking to one another. Let the sister go who has control issues, but first let her know you do not appreciate being controlled and unless she can correct her behavior, you will not speak to her. Do not speak ill of her, just wish her well and have a nice life without you.

I had wished for siblings to help me with my mother. This post makes me very happy to be an only child.

I, too, send my condolences on your father's passing. To have such negativity between sisters adds to the sadness. I know as I also had/have such an experience.
My only sibling, a sister, has been increasingly mean to me through the years.
There were some astonishing incidents. My parents continued to excuse and enable her. I begged for joint therapy. I begged to be given a reason. Nothing but refusals and more of the same. Everyone else could see it as jealousy because
she lived a life of phobias, illness, and a victim mentality. I, on the other hand,
lived around the world, painted, drove, socialized, etc. Money and riches were never anything that either of us had but I was considered older, more responsible,
more independent and therefore I should tolerate and endure any behavior she dished out. Everytime I saw an opening to show kindness and good faith I did it; physically, financially, emotionally, etc. I don't mean to sound like a saint but am writing truthfully without going into the long details.

Almost 3 years ago our father passed away. Our mother put herself in a nursing home. They had been married almost 72 years. My sister got worse. Not only was there no cooperation but I did the Medicaid applications, staying with our mother during her 9 panic attacks and hospital runs in 4 months, etc. My sister would do nothing but curse me; swear at me in ways that I never imagined were possible. And she took all the family jewelry telling my mother it was 'to keep it safe.' My mother protected both my sister and herself by making excuses. I don't care about the jewelry but I do care about the way it was handled.

It all got so bad that I went to court and asked for help. My sister acted out screaming when the judge suggested we have a mediator help us. He saw clearly and wrote a 'Protection of Abuse Order' In my behalf. It is now 2 years later
and I just had it lifted. I am not a person that goes to court but I really needed help
in putting a lid on her behavior. Also, she had said, "I'm taking you to court so you
can't talk to me". At that point; friends urged me to make the first step because she could go and make up stories.

During the 2 years of the court order my mother protected my sister's behavior as if it didn't happen. I was supposed to have tolerated any abuse. Also, my nephews and their children don't talk to me. I have no husband or children and although we are family within 10 minutes of each other; I am alone.

I spent years and years crying and going for counseling over this situation.
I started seeing signs of physical illness in myself. I feel like a large part of
my life was kept hostage by the situation. Friends and cousins kept telling me get
away from it but I kept trying. I feel sorry for my sister and whatever motivates her but I no longer condone her actions towards me. I realized that day in court that
hating me is a large part of her life. She in no way wants to alter that because it would mean that she would have to look at herself and make changes in her mind and behavior. That is too much for her to do. She is not willing and at this point it would be catastrophic for her. We are 68 and 73 years old. My regret is in not walking away from this sooner.

Let your toxic family relations go. Be well and happy.

Number one child always seems to feel obligated to take control. I say, let her have it. (I am #3). Yup, stand back and say "have it your way" and smile. She can wear herself to a frazzle and you can sip ice tea on the porch. Soon she will tire and want some help. Patience wins.

My Mom was in a nursing home for 4.5 years. I am one of 3 siblings. I am the only one who lives near them. We tried to minimize our sibling conflicts for the sake of our elderly parents. My brother pulled a horrible "stunt" when our mother died in December. He LIED about needing to delay the wake which my father agreed to without blinking an eyelash. It hurt me in a way I may never totally get over. My sister and I tried to keep our conflicts on the back burner but those often erupted in fights.

My husband, kids and I now do everything for my 83 year old father. My sister shows up for a day or two once a month. By brother shows up two or three times a year. I don't need a pat on the back but some basic understanding of how much I do would be nice. By the way, my brother is retired and my sister (single, no kids) only lives 2.5 hours by car.

My father doesn't drive now and my son has his car. My son or I take him to many doctor's appts, weekly shopping etc. it is a 5 year old car, nothing special. He won't give it to us cuz he thinks my siblings will be upset, I am currently out of work so we can't afford to buy it. My siblings and their spouses have nice cars so they do not need it. This is the kind of crap that goes on all the time. My father promised a watch to my son (his only grandson) now he is trying to sell it (maybe worth $1000) to keep the money himself (he has plenty of money). I don't want his money but his behavior indicates he is having some dementia issues.

So, in the end, I don't interact with them much. I will engage in forced civil communication if it relates to my father. I find that not engaging in their drama helps me stay sane. I know how much my family did for my Mom and now how much we do for my Dad.

Good luck! It isn't easy!

Well, if mom was in a nursing home, her half of the estate already belongs to Medicaid. The car and watch are Dad's to do with as he pleases, but bear in mind that if/when he needs a nursing home, Medicaid will expect to see the proceeds for them accounted for as used for his care. Now there is nothing left to fight over. Don't worry, be happy.

same issue with one of my brothers. he is 2 yrs older than me and after his divorce became a worse alcoholic, ended up at our mother's house, never worked again and hid behind her apron strings. Manipulated her and stole from her, and somewhere along the line began to hate me. Has called me the worst of names, even during the time I looked after my Mom while she was in the nursing home. My sons have sympathy for his disease and continue to communicate with him but my only daughter will just be civil towards him. I try to avoid encountering him (we live in the same town) but say hello if he happens to look at me. Most of the time he stares ahead without meeting my glance. It is hurtful but also very tragic. I understand your story completely and no matter that people tell you to get on with a life without your sibling, if you are a person with a kind heart, it will always bother you.

Well, Glad to see a post from CAPTAIN...Haven't seen your post in awhile. anyway, Pam is right, stand back...wait and watch.

Hey I have 2 brothers..supposedly.....Guess, tag I'm it, oldest ran away at 17 t college and never turned back...The middle one was just insitutionalized, so tag I''m it. and No body better be telling me how to take care of Mom. NO body call me to ask how she is. Brother #2 has an excuse... sorry---I don't know who will go first, mom or brother....I don't know where brother is. I said my goodbye to him July 22 as if it would be the last. I think my intuition is right..sadly to say that.