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Parent has health problems. I am currently their nurse, chef, errand boy, therapist, etc. Basically their whole body. What are my options to get help if they keep cancelling appointments and rejecting help from trained medical professional? I feel obligated to stick around and help as they have no one else. I'm at my wits end and find myself depressed over self-preservation and the ethics of caring for the only person who cared for me for my whole life.


The medical issue is lymphedema and (continually) untreated diabetes.

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Beatty who often comments here has an expression that I love: "There will be no solution as long as you are all the solutions".
Please consider seeing someone (or reading the book Boundaries) in order to form boundaries. Your parents are being enabled by you unless both of them have dementia, in which case you cannot be the caregiver of them both without forfeiting your own life.
I wish you the best. You cannot change them. It is now time to learn to change yourself.
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AnOnyMooze Dec 2021
Very wise words I needed to hear. My parent is of relatively sound mind. I will seek the Lord on the appropriate way to change myself (which is what I'm doing, so you probably said exactly what I needed to hear). Thank you
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Call APS and report the adult who is self neglecting. Explain to your parent that you can't overcome your distress at the situation and that you are backing off. Then back off. Something will eventually happen to change the situation with or without you there, and maybe then your help will be welcome. Sorry it is so hard now.
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AnOnyMooze Dec 2021
She lives with me which makes it harder. Someone else recommended APS so I'm considering it but a bit concerned. It's one of those things that once I pull the trigger I don't think there's coming back. I have a lot of anxiety about being in the wrong. As mentioned in reply to @GardenArtist religion/spirituality is at play and she has had bad experiences with doctors (that I would agree were bad experiences) but the problem is we are both spiritual so sometimes there's a rubric/criteria we both use that others aren't so privy to as to why to or not do something. My concern here is she has fallen too much into the why "NOT" to do a thing side of logic to the point of it causing debilitating hesitance and lack of action ("faith without works is dead").
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You used "parent" (singular) and referred to the "only person" but used "they" in your opening post. Are you caring for one or two people?

Is either one being treated for lymphedema? If not, and assuming there's leaking fluid involved, that could be a literal life or death situation, especially if there are any contaminants that can enter the skin.

You might do some research at good, reputable clinic websites (Mayo, Cleveland) on both lymphedema and diabetes and let her/him/them read more about the challenges they're facing, and the threats they're taking.  Untreated diabetes can have severe repercussions.    Dying is tough enough, but ignoring and/or refusing treatment for either of these very serious illnesses is literally courting an unpleasant end.

Is there some reason this person (s) refuses medical treatment?

I think he/she needs a good frank come to reality talk from a doctor, advising how death by lymphedema or diabetes can be very unpleasant.
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AnOnyMooze Dec 2021
Singular parent. Not treated yet, we started at least one massage and trying to get her into a rehab for therapy because there's other issues (i.e. the diabetes) which may have had other complications and that's what the two medical providers we've seen have recommended. Though, despite their opinion being professional and experienced they haven't seen her for very much face time if that makes sense so I'm not 100% on the rehab thing - just that for sure medical attention is required.

I think she needs the scare talk too. This is where this gets more complicated - the denial of care is basically a religious reason. Ironically, I agree on some aspects of it (as far as how detrimental the wrong doctor can be vs the right doctor). The main difference is she thinks every doctor is the wrong doctor. I believe there are good (i.e. Holy Spirit inspired ) doctors out there.
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I don’t think I could ever handle being a caregiver to someone who is ignoring or disregarding medical advice and oversight. It puts you, the caregiver, in the terribly stressful position of having to play doctor yourself. I assume you are not a medical professional.

This would be a dealbreaker for me.
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AnOnyMooze Dec 2021
I'm not though I'm not wholly ignorant. I'm knowledgable enough to do basics but smart enough to know I don't know what I don't know and there is a time to seek professional help.
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The spiritual argument doesn't have any resonance with me. Sounds like just another roadblock thrown up to get her way, misguided as it is. A doctor of any faith, or none, would do better by her than her own self neglecting ways. Time to make a move here. If necessary, WWJD?
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AnOnyMooze Dec 2021
WWJD: He would tell her she is already healed. Ask the Holy Spirit, out loud, and see the results.

Otherwise, I'm not here to talk about the truths of the spirit realm :) but I agree with you. A move should be made.
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Can you talk honestly to this person and explain that you are reaching burnout. What do they think will happen then? Do they understand at all what the future will hold for them?
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AnOnyMooze Dec 2021
I tried to explain that but it's met with yelling usually. I think it's a hard pill to swallow cause I'm all my parent has
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After reading some of your responses have you tried in home health agency’s?

Let someone else (nurses and PT) come into the home and they can address her lymphedema and a PT can try getting her to stronger and more mobile - let them be “the bad guys” and it may help you to move forward and see if she is willing and that you brought the opportunity to her - it may help you in making peace with whatever she decides from there?
I care for my mom after her stroke and cognitively she was not capable of being her own advocate and committing to rehabilitation in the beginning - but now she is - so now that I got her to the levels she needed to be able to then choose to participate - I know I have “let go and let God” and my mom now can decide where she takes the rest of this journey. I am at peace knowing these next steps are hers - I have brought in the best therapies - made sure she got mental health therapy - she works with a neuropsychologist and a cognitive therapist - and she has to participate for it to go further. So maybe (since she lives with you) getting her in home health and therapy to see if and will she commit to allowing others to help you both will help you make peace with whatever it is that lies ahead? Best wishes 🦋
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AnOnyMooze Dec 2021
> After reading some of your responses have you tried in home health agency’s?

No, the hard part and complication here has been a combination of insurance and the fact that generally a PCP needs to recommend homehealth for insurance to cover it. I think I'm going to try this route. A wound care doctor recommended a rehab but the reviews had a LOT of instances of people saying their loved ones were neglected and left in better shape than they arrived.

Thanks for your reply, it gives me some hope.
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