I want to care for my grandfather but not be the "decision maker". Any advice?
Im at home for the first time since my Aunt left a few weeks ago? ( Cant even think when they were here) So this is the second time my grandfather has been left alone, he does sometimes get disoriented where he is at in his house ( being blind- even had a neighbor call because he heard him yelling help) and has fallen before.
I'm very nervous to leave him alone but I did so by HIS DEMAND! He is upset with my son and told me take him home ( my son goes every night with me to my grandfathers house and refused to stay home unless I did. My son IS the type to walk outside in the middle of the night to get me... he will walk a distance too. So, I told grandpa Id try to be back but it might be late like between 10pm-12am or so... and he said whatever , then my son started in.. and I said now it depends if I come back on my son. He said whatever go home and rest. I been alone before Im fine, stay home. Im sooo nervous all I can think about is him falling, or yelling for help( refuses to wear life alert and he has it) I cant sleep yet Im so tired.
Am I responsible if something happens because my father is disabled and dying himself? Does all his medical care rest on me? Who appoints me that person? I want to care for him but not be the "decision maker" :
There no papers signed to care for him medically ( I never signed anything anyways)...
His daughter, only has" POA "but nothing else
Dr' s have been saying he should have someone spend nights/ or have more " companionship" and the new one said he shouldn't be alone because his morning pain meds can make him dizzy, but never did they demand or put in writing he needed 24hr care. They talk to my grandfather and he will tell them hes fine and they leave it alone.
He overall has the will power to live so he takes his pills( he has to be reminded sometimes) most of the times eats, so the Drs see this as good, so do I. But ya, the falling is where he'd hurt himself. My Aunt lives out of State and has tried to sweet talk him into getting more help to " relieve me" or go the the NH. Shes been nice now blunt to the point they argue. I am there nightly.. except two nights, have always fixed lunch and/or dinner for him. My dad used to help a lot when he was well so I could be with my kids. Im there whenever he needs me to.
My dad went to the E.R. this morning because hes extremely dizzy ( last stage of CHF) so Im just blah! Sorry if I dont make sense or am repeating myself. Thanks again.
pamstegman, I will call.. they probably will be here for my dad and not my grandpa because my father is worse than him.
What I tell myself about my mom and her refusal to get more help is that she's living life exactly the way she wants to. And so is your grandfather. It's not how you'd choose for him to live, but it's how he wants to live. So just do the best you can to relax (I know it's impossible). When something happens, he may be open to more care (or he may not). But for now, it's his decision and so you just need to take care of yourself so you'll be there for your family and your dad. Hugs.
Here are the reasons why you should NOT provide care for your grandfather:
1. He doesn't want you to, and there's no clear dementia factor which could mean that his say-so doesn't count;
2. You're undermining your aunt, who has POA. I know you're trying to help her and your grandfather by backing her up; but she is having gently to coerce your grandfather into accepting help, and by filling in like this you make it possible for him to refuse a more formal care plan. I'm sure that's not your intention, and it seems hard to say no, but it will be in his best interests in the long run if you take yourself out of the picture.
3. You've got enough on your plate with your father to worry about.
4. Lastly, though he should have come first, your prime responsibility is to your son, for whom you do absolutely have to be there.
Regarding your incidental question about supporting your father (?): nobody can be forced to accept Power of Attorney. So if you really don't want to be the decision-maker, say a very firm "no" to it when you're asked. You can't just be appointed, so to speak, without your explicit consent and signature on the dotted line.
It sounds as if you're so worried about everybody that you're rushing around from pillar to post. Here is the order of importance:
Son (and any other children?)
You/your own household
Father
Grandfather
Allocate your time in that order. You are a lovely and loving person to want to help your father and grandfather, but there is only one of you and there are only 24 hours in a day. And, besides, other people are formally accountable for their care. Anything extra you do for them has got to fit in to your life.