I am 52 years old. I have several siblings who cut off ties with my parents years ago. My sister and I have taken care of my parents for years. They set up a living trust with her and I as the beneficiaries/executor of estate. My mom died recently in a nursing home. My dad was abusive to the family, but he has always been treated with respect. I moved in for 6 months to care for him, but had to leave due to the state of the house (he inherited it from his mom, never cared for it, has holes in ceilings, drains dont work in most of the house, etc). He insists of staying, so once I moved out I have visited daily after work to make sure he eats and clean the house. He has started calling me a thief, liar, yelling at me, etc. It has gotten so that I get sick to my stomach just thinking of going there. I am still not all moved out, and have to go to continue taking my things out of the house. One brother started going over every few weeks after my mom died, and he is now questioning why I have control over the bills, etc. I have explained to him my dad takes care of nothing, I do it all and also pay some of his bills because he does not make enough from his pension and SS to cover his debt, but my dad has started telling him I am stealing his things. I contacted one of my sisters, and she thinks I should just ignore it and keep taking care of things or we have to put him in a nursing home. Am I wrong to back out of this situation? I am usually a strong person, but at this phase of my life I really dont need the added stress to my own personal situation (divorce, finances, etc.)
Your father will most likely continue to be difficult for a while. You probably won't be able to control his behavior, but just decide what you need to do. If he does have dementia, it would probably be best to plan for a safe place for him. People with dementia need help taking medications and preparing meals. If he does not have a lot of money, you may want to begin researching what is available through Medicaid.
You are not wrong to feel like you want to back out. It would be better, though, to set something up so that you could pull back and be comfortable with it. You and your sister can work together on making a plan for your father. Most likely your father will fight you every step of the way initially, so you may want to make plans about what to do in the future without letting him know. There's no reason to start stirring the pot too early.
Do you think he has dementia? Some parents won't go to the doctor to confirm it, and we can't make them usually. It would be nice to have a firm diagnosis, however. It would let you know what you need to plan for.
You've done more than enough, but it seems the only thing your Dad respects is power. Respect is a two-way street, so don't be so subservient and stand up to him if you decide not to move out.