We have a caregiver for our elderly parents. She worked in daycare before, has no formal training but is a mom so things are assumed. Despite being told to stop asking my parents if "they need to go potty", "honey, sweetie, little one", wanting to only be with my parents. Not recognizing when she should step away...example when our cousins visited my Dad having not seen them in 50 years, she remained in my parents apartment until she was introduced. My cousin stated later "who was that woman insinuating herself into our family". This past weekend I arrived to give my dad a bath and asked her to leave and return in 2 hours. When she returned she apparently asked the receptionist "is she out of here yet". She then came to their room, came right in and over to my mom "has she had water" I said yes I just gave her a drink. She ignored me and gave my mom more water...not even noticing that her cannula was not on. I then noticed and put my mom's air on her....the girl then came right over and attempted to put the cannula with me already doing it. Then she walks over to my dad. I had washed his hair and it was a bit fly away....she proceeds to lick her palm and slick down his hair. I immediately put my hands up and said "can you just stop it, they are not your parents and you are not their daughter". My sister likes her because she will sub at anytime for my sister. I suspect my sister tells her to ignore what I ask and say but I don't know for sure. All I want is for her to observe established boundaries for a caregiver. No gifts or presents, no honey, sweetie crap, understand when to back off.
My Dad fired so many very decent caregivers...finding one that he got along with was a major issue. It is completely possible that you would go through a large number before finding another your parents like. Be careful what you wish for.
You obviously do not like her fawning over your parents....but...you are not on the receiving end of this. Talk to your parents.
Also, your sister having someone to count on to cover on a minutes' notice is a great benefit. Are you prepared to do the same while a search goes on to find a replacement that meets everyone's criteria?
Sorry to sound harsh, and I do get that it grates on your nerves.....but consider the possible alternatives.
There's nothing unreasonable about her expecting to be introduced to family members. On the contrary, what if your long-lost relatives had been left thinking "who was that rude woman who was in the apartment and buggered off the second we arrived without so much as a 'good morning'?" Then again, first you criticise her for failing to notice a problem immediately, then you criticise her for trying to remedy it once you'd drawn attention to it. She can't win, can she? The way you describe events, it does rather sound as if this poor woman is scared stiff of you. And you can't then be very surprised if she's rolling her eyes and hoping not to encounter you.
You don't have to like her, but do try to be less frigid and more appreciative of her efforts. You will then be better placed to discourage her from doing (I agree) irritating things such as addressing your parents as though they are slightly dim infants and spitting on her hanky to wipe their faces (eeuw!)
Noxious personality aside, she is unqualified. Lack of training. Lack of manners. Lack of common sense.
I am not dissing her childcare background. It is important work. Everyone on this site who has raised kids understands those challenges. An important difference here is: In her previous work environment, her clients' abilities increased as she invested time in them. That's the natural arc of child development. Whether she is conscious of it or not, this is her ingrained expectation.
With elder care, the pendulum swings the other way. No matter how much she fawns over your parents, they will get worse. Their medical needs will increase. Their assistive needs will increase. That's the sad fact of aging. There's no "reward system" to improve COPD or reverse muscle wasting. You can't cajole away congestive heart failure.
And transferring a 170-pound adult on/off the toilet is completely different than shooing a toddler into the restroom. Let's see how sweet she is after gets a rotator cuff injury during "tinkle time." Actually, let's not.
Her open disrespect for you is also a red flag. Ignores you when you ask her to speak to adults like adults. Disparages you to the front desk staff. This can only get worse.
Her possessiveness with your parents is inappropriate, too. Caring is good. Control is bad. She has no business grandstanding during a family visit. Your parents' social interactions are not about her, yet she wants to make them about her. Hmmm?
Perhaps she's ingratiating herself so that she can fleece your parents. You don't want to learn the hard way that they co-signed a car loan for "that sweet girl." Or let her use their credit cards. Or re-wrote their wills in her favor.
You would do well to start working on a replacement. Quietly, of course. It's touchy, because your parents are sucked in and your sister likes her. (Or your sister likes disagreeing with you.)
Who has the ability to hire/fire here? Are you POA? Is sis in charge? Who's paying?
I'm with you when it comes to icky pet names like sweetie, honey, etc. And don't get me started on the word "potty"! This may be a habit leftover from working with children but it's patronizing and condescending and the caregiver should stop with the pet names.
And finally, do your parents like her? If they do then that's all that matters.
What you can do is express your appreciation that she actually cares enough to take care of your aging parents.
Also acknowledge her past experience as a mother and daycare worker.
Express your appreciation for her position in life and how far she has come.
Thank her that she has cared enough to care for so many others and even your parents. What you may want to do is to guide her as to when it's time to step away and just give it a rest. If you have her contact info, let her know that you will call her and that again she needs to know when to step away. What you can do is if you're expecting family over to your home, I would go ahead and relieve her first and send her home before calling your family. This is how I would handle it. If she won't leave, you can have your visitors back you up after a private conversation about what's going on. Just ask your guests to please help and if they care enough about you, they will step up to the plate and support you in any way needed.
I don't know if this caregiver is a professional or not, but professional caregivers are not going to want a bad name and definitely not a bad report getting back to their boss
You did come off as being a bit condescending with the comment about the visitors. She should stay in attendance until she is dismissed by your parents or whoever is in charge. A simple statement from you or your parents like, "Sweetie," (I'm joking there), "you can go out for an hour while our visitors are here," doesn't sound like too much to ask. And if you don't want her there when visitors are present, don't schedule them during her shift.
She may be the best person the agency has for your parents. If improvement is needed, try to work on that without denigrating the ability she does bring to the job.
There's something with you attitude that makes me think you're a difficult person. You want a domestic who will say yes, ma'am; no, ma'am like an old-fashioned housekeeper. Many of us would appreciate the person who is working for your mother and father. She sounds like a personable and dependable caregiver. I'm sure she is protective of your parents and mother-hens them. She spends a lot of time with them and probably feels a close relationship. IMO that is a good thing.
I agree that a daycare (if you mean children) person would not have the experience to know what may be happening with your parents (ie my dad had a stroke and his care giver knew what to do). And so hiring a person experienced with aging issues might be more beneficial.
I find it strange that she stayed the whole time the cousins came to visit. Yet, if she was being paid to be there that day and she left would she had been paid still? Perhaps it comes down to that.
It is tough to know what another person's motives are. When a care giver tells my dad "I love you" and they just met 3 days ago my "spidey radar" goes off. When they are willing to do "extra" w/o pay it goes off again. I guess I am not a trusting person because there are people in our life that are not trustworthy (ex family). So I'm on guard.
Talk to your parents. And talk to the care giver. And if necessary, talk to her boss at the agency. It's tough being an employer if you've never been and don't like to be in charge of people. I never wanted to be a supervisor and yet here I am. If she hasn't been a care giver to elders long it might just be inexperience.
Not easy for family, but they can't have it both ways, and sadly, some tend to speak as if they can, as if they can be there rarely, yet judge and criticize a person who is.
For the family, there is a sense of intrusion into their world - but they are the ones who said, caring for this family member is too much for me, I want outside help. My stepfather was able to live on his own for about 10 years after my mother died, because he was helped by a full time caregiver. We all knew we were lucky that she was available, and the one brother most closely connected to our stepfather, was grateful and kept in touch and respected her.
The rest of us... I hated the way she decorated the house at Xmas - our mother loved natural decorations, for this woman, glittery plastic was just fine. It was hard for stepfather to talk for long, or very loud, so visits with him, involved her sitting in, and translating or speaking for him....
Life has so many dimensions and change is constant. I only visited once a year or every two years - yet it was still hard for me, for when I did make the 7 hour drive, I was eager to renew some old family connections and feelings of home that would be familiar and protect me - instead I felt I was arriving in a stranger's home. She would have listened to him, and would tell me how he often praised me, as if I was her daughter too - yech!!
Years later, I regretted any signs I had shown of my folly, difficulty recognizing a changed situation and new person, and let go my understandable but unrealistic longing for a home after my mother had died. When I became a home caregiver myself, and developed close and helpful relationships with several elders, kept them motivated, healthy and growing much longer than expected - I took pride in my work, and my elders became friends in my own life.
I've discovered with a shock - that an aging caregiver can be a pretty lonely person, for those wonderful seniors, that were not "ours" to begin with, but sometimes for 3-6 years, became "ours" in important ways - they all died. I've gone to some funerals, and realized with a shock, that even though the elder knew, cared and trusted me, the family didn't know me, and suddenly I was nobody, in a home that I had helped take care of for years. Years later, I ask myself why I'm not very sociable - and realize, I had close friends with a long series of elders - I count myself fortunate, and i always worked to maintain boundaries and respect for all - but as I succeeded, I felt part of things, and then families move on, stay in touch with each other, and have nothing to do with me. I tend to think that humans are naturally designed to live in villages, stable villages over time, so that different people can fill different roles as needed, and not be cut off as our professional leaders expect.
Last note, I found the best caregivers for my disabled brother, whom I placed 5 hours away from me, in country settings. The best caregivers who reassured him and noticed changes that could disrupt his progress - were those who took a particular interest in him, one borrowed videotapes from him. Meanwhile the professionals would not lift a finger to help him, after the clock struck their hour, drive past him even if they saw him walking outdoors to get home in bad weather. I understand boundaries, we just need to find ways to include humanity, care, love, respect for all parties - along with them.
Do you have performance standards that are clear and explicit?
Have you ever set out what she should do in unexpected situations, such as a visit from a family member?
Do you have a clear payment policy,e.g. does she get paid when you ask her to leave?
Did you interview several persons before she was hired?
Have you had a conversation about this caregiver with your parents?
Is she honest or does she steal from your parents?
If your parents like her, would you be willing to find a training program so that she could improve her skills and knowledge of the elderly?
In closing, I feel that your nose is pressed to the glass about this caregiver. You need to step away and evaluate what she brings to the table as well as her shortcomings.
Unless you make your expectations clear, she will not know what you expect from her. Caregivers are not mind readers!
Good luck
It's hard to to know how to take care of parents. It causes a lot of worry and second guessing. When we feel unsure it gets easy to try to control more and more things. It's exhausting.
It also needs a team. A team with different skills and abilities.
You have you parent's best interests. It sounds like you want them to have kind and competent care. And you are willing to make sure they get it. You are loving and capable.
The aide's gift is that she is patient, caring and nurturing. She's not an educated, health professional. But even if her communication style irritates you, do the things she brings to your parents care make their lives better?
You have framed this in your mind as a boundry violation. You should always be alert for this, but boundries can have some give.
If she is verbally abusive, neglecting her duties, is physically rough or abusive you need to act now.
If her behavior irritates you, but the care is safe and compassionate, can you let her be part of the team?
Can you sit with her and validate her good points, then talk about exactly what you want her to do? Just the do, not the do nots.
Those on this site who are telling you things could be worse are warning you about how hard it is to find caring help.
Listen. Let go of every harmless behavior that grates on you, focus on the care, and be clear with expectaions and validate the good things. And stay vigilent.
I guess I'm trying to say....It's all just so hard. And yes, we as "the employers" need to take into account the care giver and their motives. BUT at the same time, you hear the horror stories about a care giver "getting close to elder" and then they are stealing from them.
It's so hard and it lasts so long.
I thought you were going to complain about stealing and laziness - but this doesn't seem to be the case.
BTW, I ask my DH all the time if he needs to wee-wee. Same with eating and drinking. And I must assist him any time he leaves his chair so he doesn't fall.
If you're really concerned about how she treats your parents when you're not there, invest in a camera. Otherwise maybe a "thank you" is in order.
Problem: a) You want caregiver to stop treating parents like children, b) You want family to have more privacy when visiting with parents, c) You want Caregiver to stop talking & treating parents like a child.
Solutions: a) Have family only meeting (include your parents unless you think it will stress them out too much) & decide if you want to try to work things out with current caregiver or find someone else now. (No matter that decision, still do the remaining suggestions). b) Type out a Caregiver / Family Contract, with what family expects from the Caregiver [ EXAMPLE: * Speak to 'client' as an adult (NO baby talk...). * NO gifts are to be given to or received from Caregiver & client/clients family (this includes everything except special occasion card...), * When family arrives, there will be a short Report given between Caregiver & family to update each on current care & any pending issues, then the Caregiver is to go ___________ until _________ (the Caregiver will / will not be paid during the time the Family is caring for clients & Caregiver is not.
c) NO cellphone use while on duty, except _________. d) TV use is for client, & is to be on channels that client desires. e) Fluids are to be offered to client(s) every 2 hours.... f) Clients meals are to be prepared by __________ . g) Caregiver is expected to arrive shift within 5 minutes of start of shift ________ , and leave shift within ________minutes of end of shift _________. h) Caregiver is to not have her family, friends, ... in clients room or around client during work shift or any other time, except __________.
i) Client(s) family member __________ will pay Caregiver a salary of $______ every _________week/week(s) . Also Caregiver will receive bonus pay of $_______per hour of work on ________ Holidays... j) Family has provided __________ place for Caregiver to store her personal meal/food brought for that days shift. k) Family has provided ________ place for Caregiver to sit / stay /... while family is visiting. l) Family has approved Caregiver to adjust air conditioning/heat controls to keep temperature between _____________ .
Things to Remember: Never yell, curse,... at the Caregiver whether alone or in front of others, and Never allow the Caregiver to do the same to you or the clients. The Caregiver is your employee, be a boss any Caregiver would love to work for (Caregivers often know other Caregivers so you getting a bad reputation is not in your benefit). Competent, punctual, available on short notice, caring, fun, loving, clean, intelligent Caregivers, that make the client smile and the day go by quicker are difficult to find. It is usually best to try to work out any problems, and learn to compromise a little (Caregivers are people too, & also have families, get sick,..) is usually in the family's best interest, plus in the client's best interest because they like familiarity and tend to dislike change.
If your situation does not improve, find someone else.
Also remember, if you want professional work, hire a professional.
Obviously always be on alert for any signs of Elder Abuse (Google it), whether the Caregiver is a male or female.
I wish you all well.