Hello, everyone. I am writing this question because I do not know where to get help or who else to ask. My grandpa passed away last June. Since then, my mom has been taking care of my 94 year old grandmother. She helped with my grandparents before my grandpa died, but now helps out a lot more than she used to.
Her only sister lives several states away and only visits a couple times a year. I help my mom when I can, but I am a teacher so I do not have the free schedule. My mom is 70 so she isn't young herself. She doesn't work so she is able to be a caregiver.
My grandmother lives alone in an apartment and does fairly well. She has some dementia problems and they do seem to slowly be getting worse. She also has vision problems. Luckily though, she still has her wits and humor! She enjoys watching TV and movies, talking on the phone, and reading books and magazines.
Since my grandpa died, my mom goes to her house for about 5-7 hours everyday, usually between the hours of 11:30-6:30. She no longer does anything with her friends or family during the day, she sometimes makes excuses to do events in the evening, and travel is out of the question. My grandmother gets meals on wheels delivered, however, she will not eat unless my mom is there. I feel this counter balances the delivery service because she will not eat without my mom. She thinks my mom looks forward to this lunch every day. Not that she doesn't, but she will not tell my grandmother otherwise. My mom has to give her her pills, make dinner, housework, driving, etc. for grandmother.
My mom has SO much guilt if she is not at my grandmothers for that long of a time everyday. A few times, her and I have gotten lunch on the weekend or spent some time together so she has gone over later than normal. She will lie to my grandmother about what she is doing because she does not want her upset that she is actually spending some time with me.
I have suggested to my mom that she goes and spends time with her, leave to go do her OWN things, and then come back to spend more time. She feels immense guilt even doing that. So instead, she has to do all of her housework, cooking, etc. in the evenings.
I have also notice some health issues in my mom, however, she will not even leave my grandmother to go to the doctor. She is now using Covid as an excuse to not leave, but I have notice her physical and mental health changing in the year since my grandpa passed away. She has not gotten a physical in probably at least 3 years.
We get in lots of arguments over this situation. I am trying to be understanding and think of what I would do in the same situation. My grandmother has lived a very spoiled life so she is not the kind that would tell my mom to continue to live HER life. I understand my mom has to do certain things for her, but it breaks my heart that she has not tried doing small things to make her life better. She has really been using Covid as her excuse lately. She has broken down to me several times now and I know she is getting burnt out. She never cries. However, she has not made ANY changes in her routine to try to help with her burn out.
I did make my mom go to a couple of care giver support classes and she joined some groups on Facebook. The counselor at the meeting told my mom she needs to also think of herself, but she has not changed anything with her routine or my grandmothers.
I am open to any advice or messages I can pass on to my mom. I love her and I love my grandmother, but I am just worried that I will not get to enjoy my mom as long because she is not taking care of herself. Thank you.
You are so kind to try to help your mom out and not let her burn herself out. You are right to be concerned.
It seems like your mom is spending an excessive amount of time with her mom and could really benefit from a little less time there.
It would be nice if she would set some boundaries to tell her mom this is how it's going from now on. Her mom won't like it, but that's OK. What your mom wants to do with her time, including doing NOTHING, is completely valid and does not need to be justified to her mom.
The not eating lunch thing without her is so silly. Your mom could tell her that she is not eating lunch there every day and that she should eat her lunch when it arrives. It's too much pressure for her to have to be there for her to eat! She should purposely not be there when it arrives.
If grandma is not safe to be alone, might need to hire an aide to spend some time there. Or someone to do the cleaning, etc. to free your mom up.
Your mom should have time to spend with you and to live her own life. Grandmas could live many years and this is not a great life for your mom.
Now, boundaries on your end. You do not need to let grandma control you through controlling your mom. Not sure what you may be doing differently, if anything, to accommodate grandma's situation, but your mom has to realize that her choice to let grandma rule over her is not going to rule over you too.
You are a good daughter to be trying to help your mom!!!
My mother and I live together....she's 93yo and I'm not young either...61. However, I have a private pay aide for 25 hrs a week...before the plague, I was working p/t 3 days a week & aide was here while I was at work...I have to do everything for my mother...she was in SNF and I discharged her 3 yrs ago.
I can't imagine doing everything I'm doing for my mother at age 70. I'm exhausted now, and I'm in pretty good shape. However, I've postponed my drs appointments, and I won't take my mother anywhere except outside in front of the house for some fresh air. (aide has to transfer from wheelchair to stairlift chair).
My advice...start looking around for assisted living if she won't allow a home health aide to come in to help her for a few hours every day.
Good luck & hugs :)
Thank you for your thoughts though!
I have to tell you that I believe your Mom will not listen to you, and one day it might catch up with her. If you can convince her to take care of her own needs at least to some extent, after your Grandmother is gone, your Mom will feel the guilt, and it might really cause her a deep depression. The death of your Grandmother will be a relief, followed by deep guilt as it is. Help her all you can - I know how hard that will be on you. Try to tell your Mom that your Grandmother has had a long life and that she will soon be ready to go - but in your mind remember that this might not be true. I am not sure how old your Grandmother is - and I think you said she is still taking care of herself.
Eventually you might be the one that has to make the decision to let your Grandmother go to a facility that will take care of her. That will be a very hard decision - and one that might cause guilt in you - a lot of guilt - but it might save your Mom and let her have an easier old age.
It is hard to give advice with what is going on in your life - and to take care of others is one of the hardest things one can do.
I had to reach out to you because I could feel your pain and the indecision of what you might do to help your Mom - I think that you might have to step back just a touch - support her and try to help her, but try not to bombard her with what she SHOULD do - this will be hard on you - but easier on her.
If you feel like writing to me personally - feel free - I would try to help all I can.
But some land in the quicksand at the bottom. Either unable to plan to regain their own life - or unwilling to.
Grandmother needs care is a fact. But this can be provided in many ways. Why does your Mother FEEL she has to provide ALL the care?
Keep dangling rope ladders out of the quicksand! Keep offering alternative solutions. Maybe an eldercare agency can provide a list of services like groceries delivery, housecleaner, aides visiting etc.
Sadly, you can't do much to help mom. She is going to do what she has self programmed to do and with grandma at 94, there's little chance of her changing.
However, I think you being aware and talking to her about it, perhaps making a point that she is missed by the rest of the family, etc., may have some power in this.
I have much the same problem--I get way too involved in other people's lives and problems and it never end well. My DH actually had to have a sort of intervention one time when I was so enmeshed in another woman's problems I was really neglecting my own family--AND making myself sick in the process.
We have the same thing going on with my MIL. She is capable of taking care of herself and insists in living alone--yet my SIL is there everyday for hours upon hours sometimes. My DH does not want to be involved, and so he isn't. Period. "I" can't change either of them in their mindsets. SIL feels she needs to give her mom 5 + hrs of care per day and DH won't go to even see her unless SIL calls and begs him for help. Even then--he just hates it.
You can only love and support mom, I doubt grandma has any thought to this being a fairly one sided caregiving situation.
You've gotten good advice, good luck implementing some kind of respite for your mom.
You say that grandma is " spoiled" and that your mom seems guilty and perhaps scared of taking care of her own needs.
Do a little googling about folks with narcissism and see if any of what you read reminds you of grandma's behavior. If it does, read up on how daughters of narcissists turn out.
There are a couple of good books on the subject that mom might benefit from reading.
Start with this article: https://www.forbes.com/sites/kathycaprino/2016/07/09/how-being-raised-by-a-narcissist-damages-your-life-and-self-esteem/#39c3c7a92c67
Another book recommendation is Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud. Mom really needs to make time for herself and her family or she may well become part of the 35% of caregiving folks who die before their charges.
It's very frustrating to witness, but it's not up to you to fix this for your mom. Also you can't, even if you try. She may or may not end up deciding to change how she is dealing with this, but it might make no difference if you two have 10 or 861 conversations about it.
I've worked with family caregivers for years, but I still have to remind myself this when talking to my own mother (who sometimes burns herself out trying to please her 92 year-old father!).
You cannot change Mum, but you can be clear about your concerns for her and that as she is neglecting her own health, you will not be able to pick up all the pieces if she has a health incident.
Mum may also be operating from FOG, Fear Obligation and Guilt. She may have been programmed from early childhood to cater to her mother who you say has lived a spoiled life. I suspect this, as you have stated, Mum will not tell grandma that she has had lunch with you, instead she makes up excuses. Why on earth would your mother feel the need to lie to her mother about having lunch with her daughter?
It is good that she has been willing to go to a therapist and has joined some support groups. Hopefully that will encourage her to believe that she needs a life too.