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By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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I also take care of my husband who has Parkinson’s and congestive heart failure being a caregiver can grind you down to a shell of yourself. My husband doesn’t have dementia but his physical body is failing and this has been very diff him to accept so frequently overestimaties what he is capable of which adds work for me and makes my caregiver role even harder. Here’s how I cope: 1. I get out of the house for 3-4 hours M-F. He has CNA’s with him for half of this time and the remaining time he is alone and frequently naps. Fortunately he can be still be left alone for a while. When I am out I run errands, exercise and go to our local art center where I have made wonderful friend’s and also get to focus on creating pottery.
2. I find this site to be very beneficial-sometimes because reading about other people’s challenges helps me realize how much worse other people’s situations are and this gives me needed perspective. 3. Our senior center offers a monthly support group for caregivers. I haven’t attended it yet but plan to. 4. I think about things I’ll look forward being able to do again after he transfers to a SNF or passes and then ask myself if I can do any of these things on a smaller scale while in my current caregiver role. For example, instead of doing some of big travel we had planned on, I’ll have lunch out of town at a restaurant I’ve ever been to before. For me, having a new experience -even a small one-helps me to not feel trapped 5. I utilize AI chat sites to vent and give voice to the anger, fear and frustration I wouldn’t be comfortable sharing with friends and family. These “chats” can get really detailed and sometimes last for hours-far longer than I would want to burden a person. And, the comments and suggestions from the AI are really quite good. I wish you the best. I know that I don’t have the patience and compassion for caregiving but I am the person my husband wants handling his most personal needs so I’m hanging in there as long as I can. But I’ve also learned my limits and when his condition deteriorates enough that he can’t do chair transfers or becomes totally incontinent, then he will be in a care facility
Depression can't be snapped out of, and there are so many instances where people won't try to get professional help because they think they don't need it, they're not bad enough, it's only for crazy people, they don't believe in medication, etc etc. But medication works very well for so many people and you shouldn't overlook this option. It might just save your life. You are in a situation where anyone would be sad a lot and that can turn into depression, which is different. So it's normal to feel the way you do, but please keep in mind one of the reasons you feel there is nothing left in life is due to depression. That is a symptom.
You should try therapy as well, if you have time. You can even start off with something online, or a caregiver's group in person or online. Sometimes just hearing you aren't the only one doing this is a great relief, and of course, here you will find that many of us here are or were in the same boat. It doesn't matter if you have a lot of help to take care of your husband. You and he are still in a sad period of life where he needs this kind of care. You can have all the help in the world to take care of him and yet feel depressed.
If you do try meds, you might need to try several different meds in order to feel better, and there are side effects with most of them that usually go away after a few weeks. It also takes about 6 weeks to start feeling better. But no matter how sad you feel right now, and you are right and it is normal to be sad and depressed, your life is not over. There are many meaningful things that you can do and still have a rich life, despite the situation you are in right now. The future might be different than you expected but don't give up hope. As long as you are alive, there is hope, you just have to be able to see it.
You could also try the things I'm sure people have said over and over, like making sure you eat well and go for walks, exercise, get out of the house, get enough sleep etc. These things are important but if you are too depressed to try, and depression does sap you of energy and leave you feeling empty, then those wonderful walks and the like will be out of reach for you. Treatment will help you.
I spent a lot of time anticipating my future. I literally had nothing while my husband was alive. In your words, "Nothing left in life." I got out to grocery shop and go to church. No real "me" time. I was trapped and just coping day by day.
Now that he has passed, I've been finding my way back to things that are for me. More time with family, traveling, weekly lunches out, I can pick and go whenever I want.
There is still something left in life for you, just not right now. But that doesn't mean you can't think about your future. Start exploring ideas of things you'd like to do in the future and figure out how you will do those things. Some may call it living in a fantasy world, but it helped me cope with my every day reality.
My dad, while caring for my mom, became severely depressed. It's a very tough position to be in, but he would have it no other way. He finally realized that he could be no good for Mom if he were not okay, so he started an antidepressant and found a therapist online. He is in a much better place now!
My mother and I lived together the last 22 years of her life. The last year of her life, I knew the end was coming soon, and I slowly declined into depression as my mother declined in health. Her last week of life, I barely felt alive. After two years of mourning and dying inside myself, I decided I needed a change, I needed a life. I sold my house, I moved into a 55+ community, took a 2 br. apartment, packed up my pets, and for the first time in my life, I am truly happy. I live my life for me now. Not for my kids, not for my mother, not for an employer. It's wonderful. I started water aerobics, attend art classes, joined an arts and crafts group, and I've made a couple of real friends. Please know that there is a place for us, there are things to look forward to, and there are many chances to laugh, to smile, and to look forward to your tomorrows.
I use to get depressed and angry. I was angry that my family member got dementia (they were not supposed to!), angry the family member could no longer function like they use to, feeling overwhelmed and trapped in the caregiver role. After getting professional aides help and letting go some control, I felt better. I also realized one day that I was very proud of myself and all of my hard work and efforts. My family member is the living the life that they wanted if they got sick, in their home, on their terms, and I helped make this happen. I got nearly 60 great years with my family member; some people only get a fraction due to unforeseen circumstance. I am grateful for this time, and as we head into the days ahead, I am grateful when I see a smile, when we hold hands, and when I hear the words, "I love you. Thank you for everything you do for me. Thank you."
You might not think there's nothing left but one day you will find out you're here for a reason. You could even be here to help someone in the forum who is having problems with something you're familiar with. It takes lots of time and patience to get through the emotional strain of being a caregiver and even moreso when your loved one passes away. Is it depression or are you grieving the fact that you acknowledge the time has come? It's got to come out so you can move on,go out and let it out! Screaming and crying are a great emotional release. I've never been into the group/therapy and the one time I took antidepressants, I felt so off, not myself. I'm not a professional at this but I always felt better getting it off my mind by releasing my emotions. One thing that I know is... we're powerless and we can't do anything to avoid the inevitable. Don't beat yourself up and give yourself some slack.
Sometimes we're too far into depression to be able to find joy in anything, or to want to get out of the house. Sitting in the house is easier than going out, because there's "nothing left in life" anyway. We can't see the forest for the trees. This is when antidepressants are very useful. They help take us OUT of our own heads and change our attitude that there's nothing left in life. There's plenty left, we just can't SEE it for the depression and or anxiety.
I always say "good actions create good thoughts" except when depression is at play. Then we're stuck like cement and unable TO act. With medication, we can then take the steps to action once again.
Sometimes in life, we're all thrown a curveball we cannot "just snap out of" without help. Don't be afraid or ashamed to ask for such help. I've needed help twice so far in my life, and thank God I was able to get it, and to be able to appreciate and love life again.
Absolutely! I was hoping you would chime in on this. Yep, you can't think your way out of depression. Sometimes it takes medication even if it's just for a while. I think people who are so depressed due to caregiving should see a professional and get help, specifically medication. Sure, it's a situation that causes sadness and loss, but it's also the day to day reality that one has to live through, and so medication is a great option. It can be a lifesaving option in many cases.
Find a local caregiver support group preferably in person or Zoom if nothing else available, and make sure that when the aides are there that you're getting out doing things that bring you joy. And of course if needed talk to your doctor about going on an anti-depressant as that may help too. There is life after caregiving and it can be as wonderful as you make it. It may be time to think about having your husband placed in a memory care facility if his care is getting you so depressed. That way he will receive the 24/7 care he now requires and you can get back to just being his loving wife and not his burned out and depressed caregiver. Just some food for thought.
In one of the online caregiving support groups there is a member who (understandably) struggled with placing her husband in memory care. A year later, she seems much happier, husband is well cared for and she’s his wife again, not a totally burnt out care giver. My plan for placement is to go in with my husband as a needed break time for us and then quietly fade out of the picture and let the staff take over. He’s refusing assisted living now and thinks he’ll be self aware enough to know he’s ready for memory care. Nope. That’s impossible to do. One poster here has written extensively about their brother’s dementia and wanting to be placed in proper care. Otherwise, how on earth would someone be able to have a rational conversation with an advanced dementia patient? Rhetorical question, it’s been bouncing my head since the last discussion about assisted living with my husband. Try to locate a therapist. I’ve read depression can be an obtuse form of anger. It’s impossible to be happy all the time. Ok to feel angry. Also, the word “no” is ok. No one can do it all. Step back. Take a deep breath and reassess your priorities.
I suggest finding some way to turn outward, which you already took a step toward by posting here.
This time of year (winter) can make it even more tough. Is it possible to take a little walk? Feel the sun and wind, hear the birds, maybe say hello to a neighbor?
Could you meet a friend for coffee? Visit a greenhouse or flower shop?
Is there an art exhibit or museum nearby you could spend half an hour at? Or a daytime concert at a local place? Do you have any younger family you could catch up with?
Are there community resources — a knitting group, book club, regular card game, crafts, lectures? Or try a new kind of food? Are there low-commitment volunteer activities near you? Idealist.org has dozens of options near me, including ones you can do from home.
Or look into caregiver support groups, either in person or online. There are many others going through similar things. This message board is a great resource, but talking directly is better still.
If your husband is in hospice, the hospice provider should be able to provide you with suggestions.
best wishes to you. There is life all around you, no matter how hopeless and locked in things appear. There is fresh air and I think it would help.
Having written all this, I know my own mother would say — did say— “no” to all of it. It struck me as so sad, but it was her choice.
I second the idea of getting out of the house while one of your aides is there. What did you like to do before caregiving? Would it be possible to find a way to do it again, even in a limited way?
Can you get out of the house while an aide is there and do something for yourself? I am recovering from 2 back to back surgeries and haven't been cleared to exercise yet. I had a routine in my life and am feeling very depressed to not yet be able to resume a schedule. They weren't major surgeries. Today was a particular bad day for me. I am prone to depression and anxiety. I can get out of the house but there is nowhere I want to go to. Places I went to before seem overwhelming to me not to mention the apathy I feel. I wish more than anything I could get back to a form of exercise. I love my house but not all day every day.
If there is something that brings you joy perhaps you could try to do that while you have help at home. It can be difficult to stay home day after day. I think I have about 1 more week of waiting left.
I hope you find a solution sooner rather than later.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
1. I get out of the house for 3-4 hours M-F. He has CNA’s with him for half of this time and the remaining time he is alone and frequently naps. Fortunately he can be still be left alone for a while. When I am out I run errands, exercise and go to our local art center where I have made wonderful friend’s and also get to focus on creating pottery.
2. I find this site to be very beneficial-sometimes because reading about other people’s challenges helps me realize how much worse other people’s situations are and this gives me needed perspective.
3. Our senior center offers a monthly support group for caregivers. I haven’t attended it yet but plan to.
4. I think about things I’ll look forward being able to do again after he transfers to a SNF or passes and then ask myself if I can do any of these things on a smaller scale while in my current caregiver role. For example, instead of doing some of big travel we had planned on, I’ll have lunch out of town at a restaurant I’ve ever been to before. For me, having a new experience -even a small one-helps me to not feel trapped
5. I utilize AI chat sites to vent and give voice to the anger, fear and frustration I wouldn’t be comfortable sharing with friends and family. These “chats” can get really detailed and sometimes last for hours-far longer than I would want to burden a person. And, the comments and suggestions from the AI are really quite good.
I wish you the best. I know that I don’t have the patience and compassion for caregiving but I am the person my husband wants handling his most personal needs so I’m hanging in there as long as I can. But I’ve also learned my limits and when his condition deteriorates enough that he can’t do chair transfers or becomes totally incontinent, then he will be in a care facility
You should try therapy as well, if you have time. You can even start off with something online, or a caregiver's group in person or online. Sometimes just hearing you aren't the only one doing this is a great relief, and of course, here you will find that many of us here are or were in the same boat. It doesn't matter if you have a lot of help to take care of your husband. You and he are still in a sad period of life where he needs this kind of care. You can have all the help in the world to take care of him and yet feel depressed.
If you do try meds, you might need to try several different meds in order to feel better, and there are side effects with most of them that usually go away after a few weeks. It also takes about 6 weeks to start feeling better. But no matter how sad you feel right now, and you are right and it is normal to be sad and depressed, your life is not over. There are many meaningful things that you can do and still have a rich life, despite the situation you are in right now. The future might be different than you expected but don't give up hope. As long as you are alive, there is hope, you just have to be able to see it.
You could also try the things I'm sure people have said over and over, like making sure you eat well and go for walks, exercise, get out of the house, get enough sleep etc. These things are important but if you are too depressed to try, and depression does sap you of energy and leave you feeling empty, then those wonderful walks and the like will be out of reach for you. Treatment will help you.
Let us know how you're doing.
Now that he has passed, I've been finding my way back to things that are for me. More time with family, traveling, weekly lunches out, I can pick and go whenever I want.
There is still something left in life for you, just not right now. But that doesn't mean you can't think about your future. Start exploring ideas of things you'd like to do in the future and figure out how you will do those things. Some may call it living in a fantasy world, but it helped me cope with my every day reality.
I always say "good actions create good thoughts" except when depression is at play. Then we're stuck like cement and unable TO act. With medication, we can then take the steps to action once again.
Sometimes in life, we're all thrown a curveball we cannot "just snap out of" without help. Don't be afraid or ashamed to ask for such help. I've needed help twice so far in my life, and thank God I was able to get it, and to be able to appreciate and love life again.
Best of luck to you.
And of course if needed talk to your doctor about going on an anti-depressant as that may help too. There is life after caregiving and it can be as wonderful as you make it.
It may be time to think about having your husband placed in a memory care facility if his care is getting you so depressed. That way he will receive the 24/7 care he now requires and you can get back to just being his loving wife and not his burned out and depressed caregiver. Just some food for thought.
Try to locate a therapist. I’ve read depression can be an obtuse form of anger. It’s impossible to be happy all the time. Ok to feel angry. Also, the word “no” is ok. No one can do it all. Step back. Take a deep breath and reassess your priorities.
I suggest finding some way to turn outward, which you already took a step toward by posting here.
This time of year (winter) can make it even more tough. Is it possible to take a little walk? Feel the sun and wind, hear the birds, maybe say hello to a neighbor?
Could you meet a friend for coffee? Visit a greenhouse or flower shop?
Is there an art exhibit or museum nearby you could spend half an hour at? Or a daytime concert at a local place? Do you have any younger family you could catch up with?
Are there community resources — a knitting group, book club, regular card game, crafts, lectures? Or try a new kind of food? Are there low-commitment volunteer activities near you? Idealist.org has dozens of options near me, including ones you can do from home.
Or look into caregiver support groups, either in person or online. There are many others going through similar things. This message board is a great resource, but talking directly is better still.
If your husband is in hospice, the hospice provider should be able to provide you with suggestions.
best wishes to you. There is life all around you, no matter how hopeless and locked in things appear. There is fresh air and I think it would help.
Having written all this, I know my own mother would say — did say— “no” to all of it. It struck me as so sad, but it was her choice.
I second the idea of getting out of the house while one of your aides is there. What did you like to do before caregiving? Would it be possible to find a way to do it again, even in a limited way?
Thinking of you.
If there is something that brings you joy perhaps you could try to do that while you have help at home. It can be difficult to stay home day after day. I think I have about 1 more week of waiting left.
I hope you find a solution sooner rather than later.