She has gotten worse with age and infirmities. Good presentation but faltering now and others are noticing. No one understands what she is like behind the scenes. I don't like being around other people now because no one cares about me (except my husband who has been wonderful) and I know it because they've shown me that. So I stay away from people because over the years, when they have asked me about her, I've told the truth. Result? They ignore me but still keep in touch/contact with her. It hurts and is profoundly unfair and unjust but there is nothing to be done. I despise and hate them all for their choice but mostly I just realized I hate her for treating me so badly just because she could.
https://lifelessons.co/personal-development/covertpassiveaggressivenarcissist/#3
The author, Debbie Mirza, has some wonderful books out on the subject & some podcasts as well.
It's classic for the narcissistic mother to be thought of as The Good Guy by the whole world while painting the picture of their daughter (usually) as being The Bad Guy. What they do that's ugly is always behind closed doors so they can present this wonderful face of perfection to everyone else on the outside world. It's no wonder when we say something ugly about them, others think WE are lying!!! It's pointless to try to get others 'on your side' because she won't allow such a thing to happen. Ignore the family members & friends who come to your doorstep and don't even answer the door or the phone calls. It's sad, but this dynamic is ruining YOUR life, so you must find a way to disassociate yourself from it!
There are a great number of us who have narcissistic mothers we're caring for here on the forum. I myself refused to take mine into my home back in 2014 when the need arose, so it was off to Assisted Living for both of my parents. My mother is now 94.5 and still resides in AL, but in Memory Care nowadays. I manage her life FOR her, but from 4 miles away. And even then, it's very difficult at times and takes a lot out of me as an only child. I hope you are not caring for your mother in your home or that you are not living together. And if you are, that you make arrangements to get her placed so you can stop the toxic togetherness that's so hard to bear.
Wishing you the best of luck dealing with your compassion fatigue (which I myself have, so I do understand). Sending you a hug and a prayer for peace, dear Ruby.
Thank you for your kind reply. You are correct in saying I sound unhappy. I have noticed this site offers much. I believe I have moved beyond unhappy to a place that I don't even know the name for. A place where reason, logic, common sense, linear thought, problem solving, rationality, certainty, peace, compassion , empathy, comfort, trust and hope don't exist. That sounds melodramatic but I don't know what else to call it.
My story is very long and no one will believe me if I try to tell it. There have been a few people who have witnessed some things over the years and when I ask them, Have you ever had this with a family member? or did you have this happen with your parent? Or did a doctor/nurse treat you or your loved one like that?they have gone quiet and said no. Another thing I have noticed is when you look for help or support as everyone says to do, your friends/family suddenly are fair-weather or missing in action even though you have been available for them when they've needed someone. I read many solutions on this site for all sorts of situations which sound similiar to mine but I can't see my way around those.
I have also learned many times that giving more information almost always means heartache and pain so one needs to be very cautious. There's always someone in the crowd waiting with a hammer to hit you with. That is different from helpful ideas or a critique.
Years ago when I started helping out (2000) I was an energetic, interested, pleasant, willing, trusting person overall. Now, 21 years later, I hate myself because of what I've become. Not just from caregiving but learning how corrupt and evil the healthcare system really is especially when it comes to the elderly and how they are treated. The lies, the deceit, the hoodwinking and deception to family members who are trying to help their loved ones. The complete disrespect and abusiveness meted out to families who are trying to help their loved one. I have learned that families are perceived by the healthcare people as "the enemy" no matter what we do and covid has certainly driven that point home many times.
It's not a journey for the weak of heart or soul but of course, you don't know that when you begin. It all starts small. And after 21 years, I'm not a good or nice person anymore. I'm a monster now because that is the inevitable outcome when dealing with a monstrous healthcare system and a personality-disrupted mother (who I love but now hate too) and a father (who I love dearly) who passed away last May suddenly. He died alone because a foul nurse did not want us in there so she lied to us about how serious his condition was. Covid has endowed the most power to those who should least have it.
I'll start another answer post with information.
Thank you again for your reply and interest. It's been a very long time, if ever, that anyone was interested.
I can see that you have been through a lot of heartache and hurts.
I do hope for you that being here helps guide you onto a path to healing.
I have experienced and can relate to the heaviness and let down of the healthcare system while caring for my mom but also a few years previous when I was helping my nephew. There are things that you can never unsee - or unknow. Some have done better at finding a peace with it being what it is - I’m not sure I will ever find a total peace with knowing how my country cares for the elderly or very sick. It has weigh on my heart and journey as well.
I do hope that by sharing your story and finding others who can relate to you will help you feel less alone and this can be a place that can help guide you to remembering how to love yourself again and start healing your pain.
Are you open to talk therapy as I think you could benefit from having a safe place that you can begin to unload the heartache as well with a therapist.
Just know - you are not alone and with work you can find a way out and feel like yourself again. It may be hard somedays but it is not impossible. 🌷
Thanks so much for your reply and your well wishes for me.
While I'm sorry you have experienced something similiar to me, I'm so happy to hear that someone else gets it!
I will check out the reference you gave me. Thank you.
Mom lives on her own in an apartment for seniors. She has never wanted to live with anyone else and my view is, good for her! She is a high maintenance lady but not everyone seems to know that. Yes, she is the nice "little old lady who's just doing her best and what she can".....and some people want to believe that and that's their business. Some of that is true but they don't see the behind scenes stuff. Mom is highly skilled at recruiting outsiders to serve her while trashing those who are helping her. ? She is also very good at throwing me under the bus and she won't stop doing that so I have pulled back a lot.
I love her but hate her at the same time and that is actually quite a horrible thing to feel. It's not normal but life is not normal with a narcissist.
Now she is cognitively, having some impairment and funnily enough, she is now telling the truth about more things. Plus she is now the most genuine that I've ever seen her and I can see that and it's confusing and upsetting because I can't help but think how much better life could have been with her if she had been that way when I was growing up.
It's a very wierd blend of the "old her" and the "new her" that is, for me, emotionally upsetting. I am most familiar and used to the "old her" so this "new her" is throwing a wrench in my relationship with her. Because the "new her" is actually lovable! Maybe if she lives long enough, the "old her" will die off and the "new her" can be my "new" Mom?
But then, if pigs could fly and money grew on trees, what a happy lot we would be, eh?
I'm in Canada so the Memory Care and Assisted Living facility thing isn't really what happens in the province I live in where you can shop around. We can shop around for retirement homes (which are mostly, not all, paid for privately and are very expensive and some offer value added services) but nursing homes are very limited and have very, very long waiting lists. Anyone wanting a nursing home, has to apply to the provincially funded government agency, and then wait. Wait times can be years or if someone has an immediate emergency, may jump the queue but that doesn't happen as much as it used to. Most nursing homes are a combo of private/gov't funding while a few are fully funded via the gov't. In Canada, the best nursing homes are fully funded by the gov't aka the taxpayer. We are quite limited/restricted in Canada relative to the US, at least in my experience. Other options are keeping a senior at home with home care which is usually very expensive or getting some home care via subsidies via the gov't.
But anyway, just wanted to say that, and that I'm glad she's not living with you THANK GOD!!!! :) Here in the USA, the ALFs are mostly private pay as well, by the way, and my folks' entire life savings has gone toward paying my mother's way in AL and now Memory Care for 7+ years. When she runs out of money, she will go into a nursing home paid for by Medicaid which is the government funds, funded by the taxpayers. They are NOT 'the best' places, by any means however, and the residents have a roommate, so not ideal, but it is what it is, right?
i’m in a similar situation.
i wish us well!
bundle of joy
Thank you to all who have responded to my post. I believe I suffer from compassion fatigue as described in this article I read sometime ago here. Here is the link:
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/compassion-fatigue-caregivers-beyond-burnout-196224.htm
Over the years, I have reached out to doctors and therapists for help but none of them really seemed to know how to help. I did ask for a referral to a psychiatrist and in a 30 min. limited session she said I had generalized anxiety which I agreed with.
I have also several times over the years, withdrew myself from helping but that resulted in people calling me (some I didn't even know), showing up unannounced and uninvited on my doorstep to talk to me about things relating to Mom? This approaching me after they have spoken to Mom is not uncommon.
And I am approached in many different ways; concerned looks, anger, zero courtesies, not normal ways of communicating, bizarre and strange behavior (one woman who I think was a neighbour of Mom's saw me and my husband once and she stared at us like we had 2 heads and ran away? ? all of which I have not asked for nor had any idea what these people wanted. I have also had people ask me or tell me about all sorts of personal, private things that, surprise and confuse me, then I'm told it's related to Mom? One niece who is overinvolved (not by me) with Mom has crossed the line many times so I stay away from her as much as possible now. I don't dislike her but I can see she doesn't understand the chaos and destruction the elderly narcissist sows with whomever they are in contact with.
I have always been polite and courteous when these people do this. Some people I have not known, others are relatives, some have been healthcare workers, some from companies who call me because Mom tells them I have a credit card and can buy things for her.
Thank God, I have a witness, my husband who has seen it all. Otherwise, people don't believe me when I used to try to tell people only AFTER they inquired about Mom. I stopped doing that because nothing I said or did would make any difference at all. No one believes me except my husband because he's seen it all.
The last time, it happened, my husband and I just watched a relative make a supreme a** out of himself by his bizarre and inappropriate behaviour on our doorstep. We laughed at him after he left and I told my husband that he and his wife (who literally shuns me! because she listens to my Mom) will never be setting foot on our property or front doorstep again ever. I have NEVER done a thing to these people but they listen to Mom?
That all said, this treatment of me has definitely adversely affected my mental/physical health. I suffer from anxiety, depression and anger over being treated this way. I had thought of calling all these people up to tell them to leave me alone but I know that will not be good for me because their decisions are theirs.
I just don't answer the phone or open the door if it's someone who I think may be doing a flying monkey on Mom's behalf.
Once she's passed away, things will improve but the relationships I once had in the extended family are now destroyed and there is nothing I can do about that.
I’ve experienced a little of what you say, more minor but lasting for at least 65 years and counting. My parents separated when I was 5, and my dreadful father bad-mouthed my mother whenever he could. He came to talk to my primary school principal, with lies about my mother (who was then a single mother teacher) and our upbringing, and similar things whenever he was somewhere handy and felt like getting some sympathy. After my mother died, it morphed into bad-mouthing my sisters and I, for not being nicer to him. Every few years we got letters in the post from complete strangers asking us to be kinder to ‘such a good man’. We were a lot kinder than he deserved!
I eventually got to the point of replying to letters, including what he had said about them. As is so often the case, he was rarely complimentary. The last one before he died was yet another wealthy widow who he had met on a ship, about whom he made rude sexual comments. After I wrote, I got a frosty letter from her son saying that she wanted no further contact with our family. He should have thanked me!
So there’s a workable strategy for you, if you can face it – tell all these lovely helpful people just what mother says about them!