Does anyone feel that their caregiving experience has been so negative as to override happy family memories?

I spent a lot of time with my parents and especially with my mother after my dad died, we got along so well I felt that she was one of my best friends. As her health declined and she became physically dependent and cognitively needy and confused I no longer recognized her as the woman I knew, and I began to question all of my memories and whether she was really the person I had thought she was. The feelings of resentment and lack of attachment helped me decide it was time to place her in a nursing home because I realized it wasn't fair to either of us to destroy our relationship - It took me years to get over those feelings, although some still remain.

In my case, the 10.5 years of caregiving I was responsible for for my 2 elderly parents caused SUCH a level of stress for me, as an only child myself, that I became desensitized to a lot of my mother's final pain & suffering, I think. I had 'been there/done that' to SUCH a degree, that I thought she'd live to 100+ and that it would take a meteorite to eventually take her down. So many trips to the hospital, the ER, rehabs, doctors, specialists, clinics, so many treatments, teeth pulled, between her and my father with his cancer & brain tumor & catheter issues, so many issues with ALs/SNFs/Memory Cares, EDs, nurses, caregivers, ambulances, and on and ON AND ON, that I was fried. We even visited weekly during the Covid lockdowns, standing outside in the snow (literally) freezing our arses off in 10 or 20 degree weather in the dead of winter, trying desperately to speak to mom over the phone with her screaming WHAT? every two seconds, just to lay eyes on her, that it really turned into a 3 ring circus. I had so many bills to pay, EOBs to review, fights with Medicare/Anthem, ambulance companies, hospitals, etc etc. So many orders to make with Amazon for Depends which were always the 'wrong size' and snacks and supplies and bras that were always wrong somehow, and trips to Target for socks that didn't fit and specialty shoe stores for shoes that were 'horrible' and Wal Mart for 10 pair she could try on to select 2, only to bring the rest back (same thing with bras from Kohls), I could go on for days just typing out the endless lists.

When dad passed in 2015 I was torn up. By the time mom passed in February of this year, it felt long overdue, in reality. While it was very hard to watch the process, and I felt sad, part of me felt like I was watching myself go through it. I went through the motions of cleaning out her apartment, donating what needed to be donated, keeping some things, giving away some mementos, having 2 rings sized so I could keep them myself, and getting her cremation taken care of. Her urn is still here in my house; we haven't had the service yet b/c we're going to AZ for an extended stay for my DH to have a liver transplant. We'll deal with her funeral service when we return. It's like I don't even have it in me to write the eulogy right now.

The worst part of the whole journey, though, was all the negativity and argumentativeness mom showed towards ME for all my efforts. All the aggravation I had to put up with HER about everything. Had she been a nicer person, an easier person to deal with, maybe the road would have been smoother for me. Dad was much nicer/easier to deal with, so that experience with him was a cake walk by comparison. But with mom, it was an uphill battle the ENTIRE time, making the whole experience 100x harder than it had to be.

I hear you loud and clear. I feel very ready to get the last 10.5 years PAST me now. I loved my parents but I'm also ready to get over the caregiving years now and on with what lies ahead for me. My own cousins live far away from me, all but 2 who I don't really see much of; just talk on the phone with once in a while. Burnout is real, so is compassion fatigue. It has nothing to do with what a 'beautiful childhood' we did or did not have, how wonderful our parents were or weren't, or how many precious moments were shared between us and our folks over the years. It does have to do with how tired we are and how much toll this journey has taken on our SOULS over the past decade plus. It does matter; it did take a lot out of us, and it's okay to say it out loud and to acknowledge it for what it is, was and always will be.

The immediate daily, drudge, ups and downs of care seem to be the only thing in front of me sometimes. Very bittersweet memories of good times with my family and my husband. I have in the past tended toward rather catastrophic thinking , wondering if any of that was ever true and if I am seeing them for who they really are. Lately I have wondered if I will ever have another day of fun in my life.
I too am an only child.

But we all change into different people over the span of a lifetime. I am no longer a scared, anxious, single mother who felt hopeless about her future but overcame some obstacles to have a happy successful life with my wonderful son.

My husband is no longer the athlete who could swim, ride his bike for miles, hike, create beautiful pieces of furniture out of slabs of wood..

Mom is no longer a master gardner who created a beautiful haven for herself and others to enjoy and particpated in all her church activities she so greatly enjoyed.

But these versions of them and of ourselves are still there. I feel completely numb from all the dealings with Medicaid, insurance, doctors, petty whining, and a daily, ceaseless, litany of complaints. They both can be so incredibly negative as their worlds have become quite small and it seem like complaint is their only super power. Trying not to get sucked into it and react is my super power and I fail on a regular basis. Like today, snapping at my husband and having to get firm with my mom's behavior at our Easter brunch today when she would not let it be about a certain person who decided not to show up. I wanted to slug down a tray of mimosas and run the hell outta there. So I begin again...

The daily struggle threatens to overwhelm but I believe this too shall pass. I try to focus on the good both past and current and daily I look for what still is. It might be something like small seeing a cardinal at my birdfeeder, my little dog sleeping at my feet., getting a good parking space, readng a good book. I don't believe all the current negative has the power to erase the past good. I recoginize I have deep compassion fatigue right now and am setting the expectation bar for myself to handle this perfectly pretty damn low and trying not to be too hard on myself when I fail and not to overthink and quesiton things.

My brother (bless his soul) used to tell my Mom that when she died, he was going to throw everything away, furniture, tables, pictures, TVs, everything. He told her that in today's world, her old stuff was not worth much money and definitely not worth the space that it would take in his house since he would have to buy a bigger house to house any portion of it. He did tell her that all he was keeping was memories so she better be sure she left him with good memories.

Willie I totally relate to what you said. My mom was my best friend too but I too started to question who she really was when her health was declining. I've come to the conclusion that most people have two versions of themselves. There's the version when everything is good, health relationships etc. And then there's the one when the sh*t hits the fan. I know personally that even when I've had no sleep for a few days that my outlook gets very negative so I can imagine how I might be when my health starts to deteriorate and things look even bleaker.

So in other words I try to give my mom the benefit of the doubt. I still think she was a wonderful mother and prefer to hang onto the memory of her in her better days. I hope people will give me the same slack when I become that other version of myself.

I keep all the beautiful memories, and I try to see the rest as “it’s the disease”, or “it’s old age”…the despair of old age.

I try to preserve in my mind, the beautiful past. In my situation, there are beautiful moments now too with my LO (but interwoven with LO’s terrible behavior). To answer you, OP: in my situation, the beautiful past/present overrides the hardship. My LO gave me everything: a beautiful past, values I cherish, encouragement, love.

Happy Easter Sunday, all! :)

Do something today that your future self will thank you for. A new start.

In my experience, the happier memories do come back. It doesn't erase other things, but they do. I'm likely much older than you, so them coming back may be a part of life-reckoning at the stage I'm at.

I am the only daughter in a family of 3 siblings, my brothers are much older.
THEY had the memories and life experiences to cherish long before I came around, and part of me is extremely sad about that. Like, in the early 1960s that's when their memories were made.

I remember some fun times, but like you, what's happening now is really overshadowing those few fond memories I did have, and makes me wonder if the happy times were genuine, or an act by my parents to make it seem like everything was ok. My mom is so bitter and angry at the world that it's like nothing existed before now. Not weddings, not graduations, not nothing.

I have also shredded pictures. I have looked at my mom's things and when the time comes I've looked at which brother can have what, and the rest will be sold. I have no heirs so there's no point in me taking much. I'm at peace with selling things, they will be useful to someone somewhere.

I understand where you're coming from. My parents' marriage was so rancorous before their eventual divorce I have about 8 or 9 years of fun memories.

But, hold on to those when and where you can. The 8 or 9 years for me, still brings me a lot of laughs, and I will take those where I can get them. It isn't your fault what ultimately became of life, but always try to leave room for the things that did bring you joy. My family tree is so dysfunctional I don't know how it ever grew, but every once in a while I hear my Grandpa's laugh over a one-liner someone said at Thanksgiving. And I like those memories. Even though he was a piece of work... but a laugh or a smile was worth the world to me.

Be well.

YES! In the trenches dealing with dementia, I feel about 90% negative about everything relating to my mother. There is a 10% glimmer of what used to be but it's so small as to not really matter. I try to be nice but it is hard. Dementia is horrible and the repetition is mind numbing. I think that when she passes some day down the road, I will feel guilty (which I'll get over) and will be able to remember her more fondly than I can muster during these tough times.

I feel this as well, and I haven't even been doing it for 10.5 years! My dad passed 3 years ago and last year my mom underwent a precipitous mobility decline and her narcissistic side came out full force, to the point where I am physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted... and I am second-guessing everything I thought I felt about my family. I barely even know who my mom is any more. Her personality is just so unrelentingly awful now... demanding, abusive, living in la-la land thinking she can hang on to this house until the bitter end. (She has no friends and spends hours ranting about the past to no one.)

I have a sister who involves herself as little as possible. Other than that, I am completely alone. I often feel like the entire fabric of my life and memories with my family are shredding before my eyes. This afternoon I started going through boxes of family photos and found myself throwing away a lot of duplicates, Christmas family photos that just didn't seem special any more, photos of beloved pets (keeping only a few)... I feel so empty sometimes. There's no money to pay for assisted living even if she consented to go. I have another elderly relative (an aunt) who desperately wants out of her nursing home...I can't help her either. Neither of them (mom or aunt) did ANY old-age planning whatsoever, and they're broke, they have no resources, no friends, no relatives to help them except me.

Needless to say, I can't afford to put them in assisted living, either. I can't afford to quit my job and take care of them... I've got to save money for my own care when I'm old, something my mother just doesn't seem to appreciate.

I don't know what's going to happen when my mom finally falls for the last time and breaks something and I have to tell the hospital that she won't be safe living at home. Then I will somehow have to empty out 60 years of her stuff from his house and sell the house (which was my childhood home as well) and honestly I just wish I would get hit by a truck most days so this could all be over.

I would be sad about my aunt not having anyone, but I honestly don't care what would happen to my mom. She has revealed herself to be a miserable narcissist who would be perfectly happy running me into the ground so she can continue to live in her fantasy world where she can stay in her house.