Caring for VERY depressed mother, history of alcoholism and extreme dysfunctional relationships, and now dementia. Advice?

Google: Detaching with Love. Then, define your boundaries so your home is the place you go to be safe. I invite you over to the caregivers of dysfunctional families board too. We are a very understanding group with zero judgement and interesting sense of what's funny. :-)

For one reason or another, almost all of us over at Dys. Fams. have had to deal with a parent very similar to what you describe. Some almost exactly, so you will find kindred spirits.

It seems like everyone has to do two things: deal with the rational facts of planning mom's care into the future and who is doing what, arranging paperwork, doctors, medicine, and finances. Second is deal with the emotional baggage which is a much bigger job, so you come out the other side of this as intact as possible.

I had to have a boundary that my mom will absolutely not live with us. Nearly a month of it proved that point more than enough. Never again.

I decided to move my mom to the state I live in, not her home state, as there is noone else in the family to take care of her. I decided against putting her in a regular apartment so that she'd already be in a place equipped to deal with seniors, their medical problems, and dementia. When a change has happened is no time to be out looking for a new place to go. My goal for her there is safety. That's it. Not happiness, not joining activities, not making friends, not taking field trips. Just being safe from herself and bad people in the world.

Now that I am grown, she does not get to treat me like she did when I was a child under her thumb. Let me strongly encourage the healing power of therapy. Even a little can go a long way. She tries to push my buttons, and sometimes it happens, but I have the power now. She can't bully me and prevent me from getting away. I will come & go from her place as I wish, and if she's ugly to me, I go.

Mom does not come into my home. I was sad about her missing the holidays, the tree, the food, the family times, but I had to remember she never liked any of that anyway. The price we'd pay for bringing her over was way too high. So, I let that go and Grandma does not come visit. Nobody is crying any tears over it.

The way you can get her to stop driving is to talk to her doctor. Report her as an unsafe driver to the DMV and police department. My mom's new doctor helped out on her first visit with him, without me having to do anything other than request a handicap parking tag for my car, when we drive her around, so she wouldn't have to anymore (HINT HINT). He checked a box on the form that said she wasn't capable of operating a motor vehicle. He's brilliant. Other doctors might need a bigger clue. It's best when it comes from the doctor and not you. Nobody's parent (well I supposed there could be somebody out there who is the exception), but generally nobody's parent reacts with "Yipee! I've so been looking forward to the day I can stop driving and stay in!", so just expect a reaction and be prepared to weather it.

Best of luck to you and please keep dropping in to keep us posted! We're all stronger together.

Very important for 9 year old to see you healthy so he does not become a co-dependant as well. so you continue to get free!
I've seen dementia progress very rapidly with people having alcoholism. My friend's mother's has dementia and now forgets she even drank alcohol. The self medication your mother did kept her from dealing with the pain of her childhood. Once she stopped drinking, she had to deal with the memories. Many people bury their anger which turns into depression. She too kept firing the aide which lead her next into an assisted living/ then memory care. Her hygeine was astrocious. If she can not take her medication properly some intervention needs to be done. It seems like she needs a new evaluation/ meds if others are not working. You also need to set your boundaries on what you will allow/won't allow in front of your son which is a healthy move......

Google "parentified child"

Chimp - It is amazing how many folks on this site, including me, can relate to your issues. Truthfully, with mothers like many of ours, it is a wonder any of us (or siblings, if we have them) survived to become the caring, decent people we are. And, sometimes I think that's exactly why there are so many similar stories....it's based on "negative reinforcement" where we made the conscious decision to NEVER be like our mother/father and, if anything, we're probably too damn giving and caring for our own good. Codependency seems to be a very common thread among many on this site and all of the suggestions that have been made, including therapy or some other professional outlet (i.e., pastor if you are so inclined) are very helpful. As you can see, there are many caring folks here who are more than willing to share their own painful situations if they can help others. I agree with everyone who has said that setting boundaries is essential to maintaining your own sanity (and, ultimately, that wonderful husband and son you have). Hugs and good thoughts going your way - keep coming back for support and venting.

Wow, I am truly humbled by all the warm, intelligent and helpful replies to my post. This is a terrific forum, and I appreciate you all so very much. I really need this support.

This afternoon my husband and I visited my mom together. We never know what to expect, and I was hesitant, but I felt supported by being with him. Mom surprised us today, her new medications must be working, because she was the closest to pleasant that I've seen in a long while. She was lucid, friendly, even jovial, and spoke of normal things instead of her childhood woes. She said she would gladly sign her newly-updated will and other paperwork. She even said, without a hint of malice, that she is willing to look into moving into an assisted living facility, and she asked us if we wouldn't mind looking into it. Who is this woman?

Gosh if she were like this more often, I'd do backflips to help her and visit her every day. Tomorrow she could be clingy and suicidal again, who knows? But for this evening, my heart is light for the first time in quite awhile. I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts!

{{{huge group hug}}} to all of us here. In just a few days you have all become so dear to me!

Ultimately, it doesn't matter *which* personality disorder is or isn't at work with our parents, usually moms. The answer is still the same: therapy, distance, boundaries, and self-care. My mom will never be properly diagnosed at this point, and knowing exactly where she falls on the BPD/Narcissism/Psychosis scale changes nothing about how I have to treat her. I keep her at arms' length, even on "nice" days. I never touch her. "I love you" just won't seem to come out my mouth. I prefer to think my love is in there somewhere, in what I do about 20 hours a week paying bills, tending to her insurance, paperwork, laundry, groceries, etc.

Like someone said, we will never be friends. She's either furious with me or wants something. It will never change. I try to be very business like with her, just to protect myself from harm.

I spent a long time freaking out about where to even begin on this planning, and I'm a professional project manager by trade! So many unknowns!

Get a big plastic file box at the office store, a giant box of folders, and lots of posty notes. You're going to need it. This is where the research and plan is born. I had a binder, which looked sad and pitiful by the time I was done collecting paperwork, titles, deeds, bills, wills, directives, policies, and the like. Be very organized because it pays. Every single thing there is about mom and her affairs is in that box.

Get your hands on every piece of important paper you can and file it. Make placeholders for stuff you don't have yet, so you can fill in the gaps as you go.

Since my mom was totally the passive victim and refused to help plan her future, I had to come up with different options on my own. One plan was to hogtie her, hit her with a hippo sedative, throw her and a brown paper bag of underwear in the car and floor it for 3 days straight to get back here. Another plan involved a state to state moving company, a trash removal guy, boxes, bubble wrap, tape, and time. I was prepared to go in either direction. Some days I wish I'd gone with hippo sedative and brown paper bag. I never considered in-home care for her because she's quite racist, very paranoid, and those people don't deserve what they would have to put up with from my mother. I also didn't opt to put her into assisted living where she was for all the same reasons. There were too many unknowns for my comfort level. I wanted to see the place in person.

Your money does NOT come into play here, whether it's an assisted living place or in-home care. Your mom's finances are all that count. Get durable power of attorney so the bank (and everybody else) will work with you. Prices for senior housing and in-home care vary wildly depending on where you live. Go tour some places nearby. Call around to interview home-health agencies. You have choices. Contact your state's agency on aging to get resources. Take your time to find your choices, so you can evaluate them.

Then be ready to actually execute the plan. I see a lot of people on here who have a decent plan but are stuck at the point of actually doing any of it. Especially if they have other family second guessing & undermining them. Denial is not just a river in Egypt, as they say. I am not one to wait around for a problem to go gangrene before dealing with it. Other people will.

Do the thing that will let you be content with yourself. Not what you think others expect to see, or what that imaginary mom voice says. Do what you can. Don't over commit yourself. Preserve your mom-free safe space at your own home and don't forget to decompress every single day. It's harder to do than it sounds.

My father was a "functional alcoholic" and now has mild dementia and is in the early stages of Parkinson's at age 82. He is in an Assisted Living facility. Up until just 3 years ago, as the oldest child and only daughter I felt a responsibility to make sure he received the care he needs, took him to all doctor's appointments, etc. He has suffered with major depression for as long as I can remember....... his behavior has always been narcissistic and there was a lot of emotional abuse during my childhood. My brother on the other hand, could do no wrong. My father has basically supported him financially all of his life.(He is 56 years old with a family) After entering Assisted Living, my father made my brother his POA and immediately money began flowing out of my father's accounts into my brother's. I contacted my father's attorney who did her best to audit his accounts. My brother refused to provide any receipts for any expenses.......period. I talked with my father once I was confident about what was happening. He seemed alarmed, asked for my help, and said he had no idea that my brother was taking money from him. My husband and I spent a year and our own money trying to get as accurate an accounting as possible assuming that my father would revoke my brother's POA or his attorney would have the court do so. I was secondary POA so was able to get some information and had to just research and search for the rest. Finally, after months of doing this almost exclusively, my father's attorney was convinced she needed to recommend to him that he revoke my brother's POA and showed him the very disturbing figures. My father is in the last year of his Long Term Health Care policy. When that expires the majority of his expenses will not be covered and he has only a fraction of his financial assets left. My father agreed that the POA needed to be revoked and asked that his attorney be the one to ask my brother first to resign voluntarily. I was present at the meeting when his attorney made the request on my father's behalf. My brother went crazy......he told my dad he was devastated that my father would think so poorly of him etc., etc., etc, My father's response, "Well son, if this is not what YOU want then we will just forget the whole thing." I am not sure there are words to describe how angry, resentful and disgusted I was after trying for such a long time to do whatever I could to protect my father financially. My dad became angry with me and blamed the short lived tension between he and my brother on me.
The result for me was that I no longer wanted to be around my father under any circumstances. I had been manipulated and used and even though I had allowed it to happen, I still thought it was my responsibility to try to protect him from financial disaster because that's simply what you do for an aging parent who is being exploited. So I gave myself a week to get my feet back under me and then went to see my father. I very calmly but firmly explained that I was going to have to distance myself from him for my own well being and would not be available any longer to drive him, bring him things, advocate for him, etc. I told him I felt that under the circumstances it would be best that he not call me with requests but rather start depending on my brother. I was not verbally abusive but completely honest and felt that having that conversation with him instead of just not responding to him any longer was like giving myself permission to detach and move myself away from some very unhealthy dynamics. He wrote me out of his will, revoked my secondary POA and HCPOA and even began to lend money to my brother in addition to what my brother was helping himself to. He refused to listen to his attorney.
Today, I am much healthier emotionally after disconnecting and I will always know that despite what he may choose to say about me to anyone who will listen, I did the right thing and was honest with him about why I simply had to stay away. There are times when we have no choice to draw some very clear boundaries without allowing ourselves to feel guilty or uncaring.

Chimpa, that dog story almost has me crying. So cruel. We didn't have animals at all when I was young and I was told it was because I had "allergies." Mom was heartless like that about friendships and treasured possessions though. Turns out I'm not allergic to animals at all, there just wasn't room in our house (i.e. in her heart) for anything remotely untidy and uncontrollable. My family practice doc had me on a little blue allergy pill for many years and I used to get "gamma globulin shots" and at some point I realized they were placebo to placate my mother. I know about having joy sucked out of your life, and now that Mom is gone it is in some ways easier to avoid feeling down and discouraged. You have to reach a certain point of maturity and experience before you can realize that what the narcissistic or bordeline or othewise dysfuncional parent did and thought was just not normal - that it wasn't all you, it was them! I keep being amazed at the depth and number of things that come back to me, old hurts and unmet needs resurfacing, as I read your post and others like it today. It is a long mountain climb back up to where we could have been...and when we think we are at the top enjoying the view, it's only to find out its just another plateau...bless you for posting and sharing yoru journey!

These sad damaged people are not able to heal themselves or seek healing because they don't think there is anything wrong with them. The whole world owes them something, that is what makes them so unpleasant to be around. They did not set out to be this way and probably wish they felt differently but their emotional cores are so bent out of shape they can not feel for others. What made them this way? We don't know but we feel we have to have a connection because they gave us life. We even feel that they deserve to be loved. I think it is very importent to be honest about our true feelings. Many years after my mother's death I realized that I neither loved nor liked my mother. In my adult life I kept as many secrets from her as possible and resented any intrussion into my privacy. I was spared the need to take care of her but had long decided I could never have her in my home which she would have assumed was her right if she had suffered a long terminal illness.It is a very emotionally charged subject but Chimp I think you have made huge progress since comming here and are ready to own your true feelings. As long as you have others to be your sounding board you are able to find your own solutions. Be so thankful that wonderful supporting husband and smart mature young man who is your son. Blessings to you all

Robin why would you want to care for her? She sounds like a very difficult person to deal with. Find employment for yourself, take care of yourself, while your skills are still fresh. Check with unemployment office in your area they do all sorts of free training. There is a program through the Veterans Administration if she or her husband were vets. In some states Medicaid will pay a family caregiver a small stipend, I have heard about $1,000.00 a month. I do not know if that is actually correct. If she has resources she could pay you, but she woyld become an employer with all the financial responsibilities that an employer carries for taxes disability, medicare, workman's comp, the list goes on.