Caring for disabled mom while living with abusive adult sibling. How can I get out?

Sorry to hear about these extremely difficult circumstances you’re facing, Hyacinth.

Are you getting any medical follow-up or treatment for the TBI and PTSD? I wonder if it would be possible to reach out for further assistance from wherever your TBI was treated. Yes, your abusive family circumstances are challenging to say the least, but even without that having suffered a brain injury is no joke.

I think you need more help in terms of therapy, and also assistance in preparing to enter the workforce so you can be the independent, competent adult I’m sure you want to be. You are obviously intelligent, caring and insightful — you just need some help!

What would you like to do if you could escape the caregiving?

You need to work on boundaries first otherwise when you get out into the world you will attach yourself to needy and toxic people.

Even though it seems true that your parents didn't raise you to become an independent adult, part of maturity is to not keep blaming others for your current situation, as this robs your already low emotional energy reserves and keeps you from progressing. Taking full responsibility for your future is part of "adulting".

The next time either of your parents flippantly tells you to "learn how to get along with your brother" -- your verbally abusive and apparently useless brother -- tell them they are the ones who helped create that monster and that in no way is it your job to tiptoe around such a creature. Your Mom needs to kick him out. She is an enabler. Please know that even if he verbally threatens to beat you, you can call 911 and they will come. Do it every time he threatens so that he sees your boundaries clear as day. Don't tolerate your Mother defending him.

You say your Mom works and supports the household... good! This should make you have less unfounded guilt about leaving. And leave is what you need to do. Do you know anyone who would allow you to temporarily "couch surf"? A friend or trustworthy relative? Any one of your siblings who might have sympathy for your situation?

Be prepared that "family" will be enraged at you for "abandoning" your Mom. It's not true for one thing. They will turn on the guilt firehose to manipulate you into staying a slave. Forget them. Let them be angry, they will all get over it and have more respect for you once you start having your own life. Do not go back home no matter what dire circumstances they paint. Just know it's gonna happen and you just need to pass through it. There are solutions for your Mom, it's just not going to be you anymore.

You need to get a job but I don't know what to advise since you have a TBI and How this manifests. Contact social services for you county (Dept of Health and Human Servivces) to see what, if any assistance they can give. You might qualify for jobs, financial, etc.

Or, since you have experience caring for someone with medical issues, the most likely place to apply is a home aid agency where you can hopefully get full-time hours and maybe even benefits. Make sure you apply at good, reputable ones.

You can go onto Nextdoor.com and offer to clean houses. Make sure you know the going rate so that you don't undersell your services.

Open a bank account. Often banks will have their own credit cards for their customers. Make sure yours is a no-annual fee, low credit one and start charging things and paying it off every month (do not charge more than you can actually pay or you will go deep into a financial hole).

There is also Section 8 housing for people with low income. There might be a waiting list for this so look into this right away. There is SNAP (food assistance) and food shelves. You can contact churches to see if they'd be willing to cover rent or an expense for a month (my small church does this for people who don't even attend our church, are not even believers). Keep asking churches and synagogues. My church has a Care Ministry for elders and people with physical/mental challenges. We help as many as we are able.

Do not ever barter any service of yours for room and board. You need actual money. There are plenty of sob stories of well-meaning naive people who chose to be live-in caregivers in exchange for a place to live and it never goes in favor of the caregiver (and you already have experience with how this arrangement traps a person). Once you get some stability then you have options to go down new pathways of your own choosing.

Keep asking for advice from people who look like they have their acts together. Pray for wisdom (since this is the one prayer that the Bible says God *always* grants). Always have ambition and goals for yourself. Always know that you direct your own life.

What kind of work does your mom do remotely? Is there a possibility you could do the same kind of work, enabling you to help out your mom while also developing a work history and building savings? Or another remote job? (When you do get a job, have your paycheck direct deposited to protect it from your brother.)

Please call APS. You may need to leave your home in order to escape an abusive situation, but this is of course going to mean you will have to seek employment. There are currently in our economy many starting level jobs and while you may need to stay in shelter for some time, you would be provided some social services assists such as are in your area.

As you can imagine, when there is and has been historic generational familial abuse, starting out is slow and difficult. APS, if you call them on behalf of both your mother and yourself, may be able to provide you with some guidance and options of where/how to begin, but you are going to have to work hard.

Currently you are an entire family sheltering together, not leaving the safety of the communal lifestyle until moving into another protected lifestyle such as marriage. No one here is independent.
If your mother is ill with stage four then this home you are dependent upon could be wiped out in a second's notice by her death of cancer.
Without working there would be no shelter for either you OR your abusive brother.

I hate to sound as though I am using that old adage about pulling up by bootstraps, but without a good deal of hard exhausting work you are not going to slowly move up into the ability to have a home, a life, a job. You either ARE disabled, or you are not.
We see the results of an inability to start to work toward independence in the homelessness on the streets of our towns and cities.

I am very sorry but you now need all the help you can access in your area. Your Mom will be functioning on her own to provide herself with her own services, or to go into care to receive services.
There are many adults suffering disease who have no children present in their lives. She will be accessing APS along with you for options and guidence.

There's no easy and magical answer here. If only there was! A new year coming. You need to explore your options. I think staying in this situation is self-limiting as your mother has stage IV cancer.
You ARE going to be on your own, and it is time to start preparing now for that. And your mom needs safe placement to help see her through current treatments and a protracted disease process.

Get some support - find a therapist or support group . Plenty of courses On Line . Take One step at a time . Focus on One simple Goal . Go for a walk , Join a community center , Find a Hobby . Little steps .