My 3 adult children in their 60's want me to bring their father home to get him out of the home. He is 83 and can't stand or walk, has a permanent catheter inserted in his bladder and needs around the clock care. I am turning 87 and have troubling walking. I feel I'm in no condition to give him the care he needs. My kids don't see my side of things. What can I tell them?
What happens if OP MaryMerc is officially POA, and one of the children take her into their house, with inadquate supervision/ care. Can MaryMerc be legally liable if she is still POA?
I have read all the responses here.
Your grown children may be interested to hear that in about 5 years on the Forum I have never seen us so in agreement, so in support, and so wanting to hug the heck out of someone asking a question.
Of course, your grown children may NOT want to hear that.
But then you didn't want to hear what you had to hear either.
So why not give them a dose about what the world thinks of their suggestions and opinions, because honestly, I am one to give the OPs who write us a horrible time. I literally rake them over the coals.
You have our undying love and support.
Let the kids know that.
Tell them they had better shape up before we find a mess of pitchforks.
I am kidding you and teasing you, but just to let you know, you have our utter sympathy here.
After you’re done with listing all the chores they’ll have with their father, ask them if they have any questions. Hugs 🤗
They can move him into one of their homes and go bankrupt paying for homecare because insurance is not going to pay for round-the-clock care in a private home. So they'll have to pay for it. That should be enough to shut them up.
Pros for Option 1: End of discussion - not up to them - and they can't change it - tell them you aren't engaging with them regarding this topic any longer.
Cons for Option 1: They may never let it go - but so what - it's not up to them and you know that they aren't willing to do anything more than complain about it.
Pros for Option 2: LOL I guess if one of them bites (they won't) then you don't have to pay for a nursing home any longer (or if he is on Medicaid, then they don't have to pay any longer). And of course "people that know everything" will be taking care of him and you won't have to worry (sorry that is sarcasm in case it wasn't clear).
Cons for Option 2: If one of them bites, there is a HUGE chance that after a few months his care will be too much for them and they will either start a campaign for you to bring him to YOUR home or start complaining that their siblings aren't helping enough.
What they really want is for YOU to bring him home to YOUR home - they may promise to help but in reality they just want to lean into "we saved dad from the home", when the reality is that he actually needs to be exactly where he is - for both of you.
My FIL's sister (10 hours away and hadn't set her eyes on him in over 10 years, only talked on the phone) launched a hard ball campaign that we had put my FIL in a hell hole - she hit us with a smear campaign with what family he had left and her goal was to make it look like every effort wasn't made to help him.
We offered to let her come see him, see where he was, and that he was well taken care of - but also that he was beyond our care as a family in his home. She never believed it, she was of the opinion (and she pushed this agenda HARD with him) that we had thrown him away and made her opinions clear. But when we offered to let her come see him - her response (there are no hotels close enough to where he is now) was underwhelming. FYI - there were at least 10 within WALKING distance, never mind driving. Each time we offered - she came up with some excuse as to why she "couldn't" come see him. They wouldn't video chat because he didn't want her to see how bad off he really was.
And she relished in trying to "save him", calling government officials to have them investigate this "horrible place" where we put him (ranked as one of the top facilities in our state by Medicare, Medicaid and the residents and families). But wasn't once prepared to even see him with her own eyes.
It is very easy for people who aren't doing the caregiving - to want to assign the task to YOU.
Shut them down - they don't get a vote.
Shut them down - they don't get a vote."
^^^^ That's the truth right there!
Tell the kids to go spend a day with Dad in the nursing home and do all the care for him , then they will see why you can’t do it !!
Or you can make your answer short and sweet with one single word, “No!” without any further explanation.
Saying ‘No’ in this situation is truly self explanatory.
Best wishes to you. You have done well by placing your husband in a facility where he is cared for around the clock.
Happy Mother's Day! Enjoy today.
Your children have no idea whats involved in caring for someone. It surprises me when I read about parents who tip toe around children. That would never have happened with my parents. If my Mom had made the decision to place my Dad, we would have not said anything.
My first response, if my kids questioned my decision would be, are you going to care for him. If not, why do you feel at 87 I can do it. Then tell them what is involved in caring for him.
You have made the right decision, do not allow ur children to have you question your decision. If they say something again, tell them this was your decision and a hard one but you can not physically care for Dad. They have no say in the matter and you want nothing more to be said. Be the parent.
Guilt requires responsibility and an ability to fix something while choosing not to. That's not you. The word for you is GRIEF. You are already grieving your hubby and your human limitations and now you get to grieve that your kids are --well, let's be kind and say immature.
Thanks for responding to us.
Stand up to them. On top of all else on your plate you don't need a dollop of their judgement.
Did you discuss his placement with the children before hand? I’m not saying you needed to but did they know you needed help etc and didn’t step forward before he was placed?
I know from your previous posts that you have been taking care of him for a long time. How long has he been in the NH? Is he on hospice?
My mom was so efficient, did so much for others and always made it seem easy.
When my dad got sick they were in their 80s. I didn’t realize how difficult it was on her for a very long time. Once when he had gotten out of the hospital I was annoyed with her because she kept disappearing into her garden and leaving me to deal with all his requests. I felt like the garden should be forgotten. I was overwhelmed with him having only been there for just a few hours. Not once did I worry that it might be more than my mom could handle. I had never seen anything she couldn’t handle. This all because she was NOT a complainer or one to ask someone else to do what she felt was her responsibility. I didn’t have a clue.
I am NOT trying to take their side, I am just saying sometimes “kids” do not know what it takes. MOST people don’t know what it takes, until they have done the care themselves.
Sendhelp has the right idea that they should hang out at the NH and do the care.
I wonder if you were out of the picture would they still be wanting to bring him home? Are they asking if they can bring him there so they can take care of him or so you can take care of him?
I think I would consider it if he had a limited time to live and they were both willing and able to do the care. I mention a limited time to live because they will also burn out if this goes on for an extended time.
Since you didn’t mention dementia, did your DH agree to going to the NH?
I am sorry you have this extra stress. Trying to find the right balance would be very difficult without the input and understanding of all parties affected.
My reply is: “so what? Who cares what they think?”
They are wrong. You know they are wrong. There is no issue here.
Continue as is.
These adults are not looking at the reality or hearing you. Why?
So maybe turn it around & ASK them WHY they want their Father to come home?
They can go away & investigate their own thinking on this.
Some families have people in denial about the health & care needs. They refuse to believe it.
Some would rather visit their LO at home as they wish to avoid their own uncomfortable feelings, of sadness or guilt visiting a NH.
Sometimes people make blanket statements like 'Home is always best' but fail to THINK how burdomsome (or outright impossible) it is for the caregiver.
Sometimes people seem to have such hopeful thinking - that being home will be a cure-all for everything. Or that love is enough to make it work.
Do you know the 6 thinking hats? I have a relative that seems to mostly wear the red hat (emotional) & yellow hat (optimist/hope). When having to place a LO into care the comments were "I feel bad about it. I feel sad" & also "but I'm sure you could manage at home!" etc.
Practical thinking about it was missing. The white hat (facts).
A care home with 24/7 care was NEEDED. There were no other option left. That was the fact of it.
Your Spouse, your home, your decision. They are also facts.
his diapers, as well as transferring him to a wheelchair.
I think the ratio of caregivers to patient requiring 24/7 needing round the clock care is 3 caregivers per day.
Is there a reason they are asking, such as he is terminal on hospice?
Because he will still need that much care, but at their home.
Or if you want something a little longer.
No way.
No way, José.
You do not have to justify your reasons for wanting him to remain where he is.
Or is their concern that "their inheritance" is being spent on his care?
How about that for telling them.
They have seen you attempt to caregive. They should be ashamed of themselves. Tell them that they are the children and if they and their spouse would like to take him in and do 24/7 care that's just fine but they should know that you will not be talking about it, assisting them in any way.
It truly is not right that you hold yourself hostage to the opinions of these children. YOU are the ones concerned here.
I would call them together and would say:
"We will speak about this once NOW and NEVER AGAIN.
I have done the best I am able to do for your father.
When it is your turn to make decisions for your spouse, and that's coming around the bend momentarily, then it will be your turn to make and live with those decisions.
You have a right to your own opinion about my choices, but I do not wish to hear them, so I am telling you that if you speak about this in my presence again I will ask you to leave, or I will myself leave you."
WHY in the WORLD do you feel you owe them an explanation. This is totally not their business.
As I said, they should be ashamed of themselves.