Choosing Death for a Parent - Unrelenting Guilt 2.5 yrs later. Any advice?

You spared your father a world of suffering. At 90, 2 months is a very long time to be bedridden and on IV antibiotics. IV antibiotics have horrible side effects including watery diarrhea.

You loved your dad and you had the courage to make the heart-wrenching decision to allow him to have a dignified death. IMO, there is nothing dignified about allowing a loved one to rot in a hospital bed. The doctors usually are able to "do something" but that doesn't make it right or what's best. He would have suffered and it is unlikely he would have survived and returned to living well. And you would have felt even worse than you do now.

No one wants to have to make the decision you made. But your father was lucky to have you as his advocate. Please stop beating yourself up! Seek grief counseling. If you're religious, talk to your spiritual counselor.

Dear Mhill,
I am so sorry you had to endure such heartache. A fractured hip at 90 years old is a very serious complicated problem and patients can decline very quickly. I feel you made the right decision having hospice come aboard. He passed peacefully in a short period of time. My father had hospice and passed in four days, the doctors gave him two years to live, and I am forever grateful he did not suffer for a long time and died peacefully. You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about, the decision was made in the best interest of your dear dad. Please seek some counciling, I think it would be beneficial for you. Your dad would be proud and grateful with the decision you made in his behalf.

Mhillwt: You were kind. You were empathetic to his suffering. You knew he would not be healed. You made a decision in HIS best interests, which NOT abusive. I hope no one is accusing you of this.

Sadly, society and its we-must-keep-them-breathing-no-matter-what conventions cause lingering suffering for no reason whatsoever. They make it hard for us to believe we made the right decision to allow death to come.

Death is not to be avoided at all costs. Death is often a blessing, a release.

You were strong for your dad when he most needed you to be.

For your sake, when this thought pops in your head that you didn't do enough, begin to retrain your brain and thoughts that you did the hard thing, which is the right thing. *hug*

You were a wonderful daughter!

You know what? You still are! You still care. Love doesn’t die when a person dies.

Your dad loved you. He would NEVER want you to suffer.

I guarantee that he would want you to be at peace and have joy in your heart knowing that you did all that you possibly could.

Take care.

Sure, we've all heard a story of an elderly person pulling through in the face of horrible odds like your father was facing, but what then? Perhaps he would have survived all that, but then what? He would have surely come out of it FAR weaker, more frail, even more susceptible to another fall. We are so focused on prolonging life for as long as possible, that so very often, we simply prolong death and great suffering.

I can tell you with absolute certainty, if I faced the same choices you did with my own parents, I would have chosen hospice as well.

Maybe he would have survived.

And how would he be liking his life now?

Supposing he had recovered from the broken hip - and then been diagnosed with cancer at the beginning of the Covid outbreak?

I feel that you should look at the whole picture. People don't usually fall for no reason, there is normally some silent, underlying cause for their becoming more vulnerable to falls, so that even if the fall itself is blamed on a rug or a step or on bad lighting, it's frailty that made the person unable to manage the risk. Often families are left thinking that if the treatment and care had been quicker, more aggressive, better, or if they had spotted the problem earlier, or in your case made a different choice, all would have been well. But it is not so. When a person is reaching the end of life phase if one thing does not carry him off another will. Quite possibly another, much worse thing.

I read a Chasidic commentary once (idle moment waiting for a service to begin) which was brutal but memorable: "Without your consent you are born, and without your consent you die..." We are not in control of the schedule, not for ourselves nor for our loved ones.

It's impossible not to wish things had happened differently, I think we all do it, so I won't suggest you try not to. But do put those events into perspective and forgive yourself. You did the best you could with what you had to work with.

You did not choose when your father passed. That decision is made by one of a higher power than us mere mortals. We never know when or how our time will come, and we can try our best to control it, but we are not the ultimate decision maker here.

I honestly believe you did the right thing. I would have done the same for my Mom. 8 weeks in a nursing home with a feeding tube, catheter, MRSA, septic, and stage 3 bedsore already, no way would I submit a loved one to that. You would have witnessed so much more suffering. More bedsores would have followed that would have caused so much more pain. That would have been cruel. Although it is never the right time to loose your Dad, at just shy of 90, he lived a long life. I hope you will soon find peace and I commend you for your compassionate decision. What strength, respect, and love it took. I hope to be as strong as you were when my time comes to say goodbye to my Mom and let her move on to rest peacefully. Sending you a big hug.

90 is a very long life.
Be thankful for it.

A long life & a short illness.
Be even more thankful.

Breaking a hip near 90 is a major event on the body. Yes it is survivable & some recover well. But for many it is the start of the decent. It is often called 'the beginning of the end'.

I don't know if this will help - but I will be frank. There are worse things than checking out a fraction earlier than 90. There can be living too long.

IF he survived (after 8 wks IV antis ... for how much longer? And for what quality of life?

Long enough to fall again. Break the other hip & do it all.over.again. Then fall & break the femur beneath the prosthesis. Or a fall with a head strike causing brain haemorrhage.

The orthopaedic ward is FULL of elders 'falling to death' very very slowly & painfully.

He was spared that.

No, it would not be considered elder abuse.

He was 90. If this hadn't taken him out, something else would have in short order. The human body is not built to survive that long. He was in pain, and you made the right decision.

Consider grief counselling if you're still this upset about it 2.5 years later.

You didn't "choose death". His body did.

The hospital bed wasn't the prison; his body was.

Trying to force his exhausted body to keep going would have been cruel.

It wouldn't be any comfort to you if the antibiotic treatment was given and he suffered the entire time. You'd be thinking the opposite now... "If only I'd decided not to do the antibiotics, he wouldn't have suffered so much." At 90, you both knew his time was limited. Even if by some very small chance the antibiotics worked, how much longer would he have had after that? Would he have been his old self again? It doesn't sound likely.

Assuming you both believe in an afterlife... do you think he's looking at you now and angry that he was on hospice? Resenting you? Blaming you? Wanting you to be miserable and regretful the rest of your time on earth? My guess would be NO! Honor him by proudly carrying his legacy in the time you have here.

Please, you have to stop beating yourself up over this. There was no guarantee that your father would have survived the 8 weeks of IV antibiotics, and even if he did, he would have been much worse off for having to be bedridden for that long, as that takes such a toll on someone who is already fragile. You did what you thought was best for your father at the time, and I would venture to guess that if your father was here to ask, he would most certainly agree as well. Please get some grief counseling to work through these unfounded feelings of guilt, as it's time to heal, and come to terms with your father's death. God bless you.

Your guilt is a false guilt. You made a decision based on what you thought was the right one at the time considering your father's prognosis. I assure you that it WAS the right decision. Your “elder abuse” is better defined as elder compassion. Would you have felt better if you had taken the drs suggestion and watched your dad suffer with all that “life sustaining “ equipment hanging from him? You were right in anticipating a lot of suffering for him. Sometimes trying to extend a LOs life is not worth the cost. What do you think he might be saying now: “Oh, I sure would have enjoyed 8 weeks of misery at my age”, or “Thank you for your love and courage by allowing me to move on”?. You cannot change your decision, and if you're going to live your life in regret and sadness, you will miss the opportunity to live life to the fullest. Erma Bombeck is quoted as saying, “Guilt is the gift that keeps on giving”. It's time to look ahead. I'm sure you also grieve his loss, and that's a legitimate emotion that can go on for years, but guilt damages your relationship with your dad. Instead of enjoying pleasant memories of the two of you, you're hung up on this false guilt which robs you of the laughter you once shared, the good experiences and maybe even the vacations you enjoyed together. I think you need to look ahead, not back, and see what life has to offer. Starting with professional counseling would help.

You definitely need to seek some grief counseling. You did everything right.

Life is not quantity; it's quality. What would have been your dad's quality of life in those eight weeks of catheters, IVs and pain? I doubt he would have lasted eight weeks anyway, because if he went in three days, I would say he was pretty far gone.

At some point, we simply have to let nature take its course. You prevented your dad from suffering any longer, and that's the greatest gift you can give someone at the end of their life.

I also suggest getting the book, Healing After Loss, by Martha Hickman. You read just one page a day, so it isn't too much to digest. I believe it could help you.

I truly can’t see anything questionable about the decision you made, with love and good faith, for your father.

I do remember having similar feelings when my mother entered hospice at 95, because I did have the sense of “euthanasia”, although she hadn’t had any awareness of anyone being with her or near her for several days before she died.

You mention the feeding tube and the Stage 3 bedsore, the MRSA and being septic, refusal of food and fluids. The statement that the alternative was “his only hope”, and with all of them together, yes, “a lot of suffering ahead for him”, and absolutely no promises of a good outcome.

IF you had chosen to try that last try, and the result had brought him back to less than the man he!d been before his troubles started, would he have wanted that much smaller, painful, confused life?

What would he have wanted for you? Would he want his daughter to be tormented by what “might have happened” when she would have done anything in her power to give him back the life he’d known before he became so ill?
I don’t think it have been his choice for you to have suffered at all, but rather he would be grateful that you were brave enough to let him go.

Is there someone that might be able to talk you through your feelings and find some peaceful resolution of the thoughts that continue to trouble you? You sound like a dear, kind, good soul. You have borne this sorrow for a long time.
It is OK for you now to be kind and loving to yourself, as you were to your Dad.

My father died at 90, so very tired of endless treatments, therapies, and fixes that weren’t fixing anything. Your father, with all he had going on, was in the same condition, and likely so tired of it all. We humans don’t live forever, and some living is worse than dying. Please get some counseling to help you get past any guilt for helping your dad. You made good decisions on his behalf, you should be at peace in that

I did, with my brother's pleading, EXACTLY what you did, in order that he could die in his own home and in his own bed, Mhill, so I can identify with all you say. In my own case my brother had a simple small non healing sore on his leg, that few were aware of until it became a cellulitis. In his case he hid symptoms, and they went unseen; he believed he had the flu, but by the time an ambulance was called following falls and confusion, he was already septic. Antibiotics did little other than cause him severe explosive diarrhea. After being in hospital end of April to beginning May he told me he just wanted to go home to die; we arranged hospice. With their merciful medications which kept him for the first time in 20 days free of anxiety and suffering, he passed at age 85.
I guess we are very different for I felt nothing but relief for this man who was always Hansel to my Gretel in the forests of life, the gentlest and best man I have likely ever known. He would no longer have to suffer. He had beginning dementia, likely a Lewy's type. He was afraid for his future.
I miss him. I truly do, but could I have afforded him release and relief before I did I would have done so, and I would have shortened, not lengthened his time of suffering. We used to always, when we didn't live in the same town, write long letters to one another. So I still write him, things I would have shared with him, a book I would have sent, a picture of a flower I saw, other things. I decorate the book with beautiful things.
I feel SO VERY LUCKY that I had my brother to the age of 85. I am so relieved he isn't suffering. And I will never ever regret getting him free of the hospital and of his misery.
That is just my take on it. I think you will by now have familiarized yourself with MRSA and what it means, of being septic and how it takes out everything a system at a time. I would bet there wasn't a doctor there who didn't tell you that hospice was the right decision, whereas I had to fight some of them. With Covid I could not be with my bro at this crucial passage.
I am so sorry you are still suffering so. Your father would not have wanted that for you nor would my brother have wanted that for me. We spoke of death and its inevitability often; perhaps that helped. I was a nurse, and I am familiar with death, have come to see it as deliverance for the most part, from torture and torment.
I would like, after 2 1/2 years of suffering, to suggest to you that you are forming habitual paths of suffering in your brain. Our brain is susceptible to this circular thinking. Sometimes seeking help is a way to retrain our brains. There is nothing to be gained by your suffering, and you are losing the essence of your father and his love, coming to see him only as his "end of life" and not as a whole life lived with love. I hope you will seek help. Often a licensed Social Worker is better at this "life passage work" if they are trained in counseling.
I wish you the very best. I feel connected to you in what you suffered, the pain and confusion and desperation for one you so loved at the end of his life. I wish you the very best, and I wish you joy of the life and love you shared with your Dad.

In my opinion the only person who did anything wrong was the doctor who offered you false hope. One thing that has stuck with me from Atul Gwande's book Being Mortal was how even in his family of doctors who should have known better they were enticed by promises about continuing treatment, and how the "extra time" promised is usually very much less than the patient imagines (weeks and months, not months and years)

Have you tried grief counselling? I know a family who was greatly helped by it.