Cleaning for elderly man. How do I get out of this mess?

I think you must quit working for him. I hope you are not staying because you need the money. I would think you could get other work. I realize it can be hard to leave employment. I worked for a few employers who could be difficult. It was hard to quit because I got along well with coworkers and the mood swings of the employer were not always negative. In a few instances where it clearly crossed a line I quit. I believe this person has crossed that line with you. I doubt it can get any better and almost assuredly will get worse. You have to make yourself believe you do not deserve to be treated this way.

First, stop doing extra work for no pay - better yet insist on being paid for all your hours and no doubt he'll show you to the door. Really though, people will treat you the way you allow them to treat you. Putting in extra time with no pay just let him know you were a doormat that wouldn't push back, so he's been pushing the boundaries farther.

When you clean for people it is a fact of life that your clients come and go, and for the most part they'll never think twice a when they terminate your services. Unlike his kids you have no reason to accept his abuse, just give him your notice.

Sounds like it's time for you to call it quits. It's hard, but necessary. I was in a similar position to you, but 15 at the time. The elderly woman I was working for started to take advantage of my good nature, she began guilt tripping me to the point where I was eventually miserable. At that point, I decided that though my intentions were good, this was more than I could deal with and left. It gets to a point where you need to put your foot down and say enough is enough. Just tell him flat out that you can't do it anymore, and he'll have to hire someone else. Be honest and frank about it. He might give you a hard time about it, but he already does that anyway, right? Just walk away, because it's not worth sacrificing your mental/emotional wellbeing. And no, that's not being selfish or cruel, it's taking care of yourself which is essential.

If this change is fairly new? Even if worse over time, you need to contact his family. He could be showing signs of Dementia. He needs to see a doctor for a full work up. I would also tell them, because of the verbal abuse, you are willing to do only what you are paid for and that's cleaning every 2 weeks. You have gone over and above your job description and he is getting more and more abusive and demanding as time goes on. You feel bad for him but you have other responsibilities, like ur son. The constant verbal abuse is getting to you.

If you find they do nothing, and he is still abusive, quit. In the meantime, do not allow him to badger you. Explain that you are paid to clean his house 2x a month and that is it. If he needs to go shopping etc, he needs to hire someone to do that for him.

Believe me, I know this is hard. I don't do well in confrontations so I tend not to engage. But, I would have never taken the verbal abuse. When I was younger I just would have quit. Now I am older, I think I would have said "sorry, I am just here to clean the house. Maybe one of ur children can take u shopping or hire someone for you."

We learn as we go. Next time, nip the abuse in the bud. "Sorry, I don't do well with someone who is verbally abusive and can't respect me". Maybe ur client was always like this but good at putting up a front for a while. Then the real person comes out. Maybe that's why his kids stay away.
You know what they say "no good dead goes unpunished." I no longer volunteer. Seems when u volunteer you get taken advantage of. "Well, u did it before". Now, if someone asks me I probably will do it. I want to be able to say No without guilt.

Do I sound harsh, I hope not. But I have been down this road. Started helping someone and it snowballed. Its hard to back out when you have been doing especially when its a friend. I got out of that situation because I started babysitting my grandson. The other because the person left me a nasty message about not making her aware of a luncheon. I called, left a VM had no idea what she was talking about. Turns out she was misinformed, was told she was misinformed but never called me to apologize. So no more doing for her. Yes, I feel bad having this attitude. But I always seem to be taken advantage of. People tend to rely too much on those who will do. Not finding another way.

Write him and his kids a letter, stating all the issues you have had as per your original posting, with a final statement: "For all these reasons, I regret I am unable to continue with the free cleaning/shopping/other services that I've provided over the past XXX months/years. XXX date will be my last visit. I suggest the family assume these responsibilities. Sincerely, Your Name"

It's difficult to say what has caused this conduct by this man, but, I would not tolerate it. He could be sick and that is making him mean or something else, like a personality disorder. I have known a few people in my life who suffered narcissistic personality disorder. They can be very kind and generous at times, but, when they think they have the upper hand, they start with the putdowns and insults. I'm not sure why they think they can get away with it. They seem to love to inject hurt and embarrassment in others. They believe they know best on all matters and that they are your judge. They seem obsessed with barking orders and complaining that you don't know how to do things right and that you must be taught to do them correctly (His way.) These people do not change.

He could also have an illness, like dementia. In this case, he doesn't realize what he's doing and is cross a lot. He just needs care, but, that would be up to his family members, appointed POA or the county welfare to handle. You don't deserve to be subjected to such insults. Good luck in whatever you choose.

Samantha, You must protect your son from this environment! You won't be able to get a good reference from this man and you need to protect your self as well as your children. Don't go back. You can mail him a letter saying that you are not longer able to service his home and that you wish him well. I would not go into all the rest as it will make him mad even if it's true, and he will likely call you at all hours to pester you if he's mad (be prepared to block him, too). You want it in writing so he can look at it again and again and remember you are not coming back.

If you have belongings at his place, you can go back to get them if they are really expensive, but I would not tell him that you are not coming back in person. I am concerened that he might become physical if he gets angry. Under no circumstances do you bring your child inside. If you can possibly skip retrieving your items that would be best.

I see red flags all over. Protect yourself and please don't go back. This is not your responsibility!

Samantha,

You’ve gotten great advice already. I just want to add that you shouldn’t feel guilty. You have done nothing to feel that way. You are a compassionate, caring person that tried to help. This is all on him. Hold your head high!

Er, yes. My idea is you leave this job and take another one where your employer treats you nicely. Or at least isn't extraordinarily abusive, and offensive to you in front of your child.

WHY would you feel guilty about that? The man has children - let them sort out his mess. The man is at least able to make himself unpleasant - let him see if he can get another cleaner who'll put up with this rubbish for five minutes. And if anyone you cared about - your friend, your family member - were being treated in this way, what would you think she should do?

You have children so I know that you will relate to this. We teach our children many lessons in life. They teach us too. Yes, we learn lessons from many sources, including our children.

One day I was having a conversation with my college aged daughter about not holding a very high opinion of myself. I felt a bit lost that day and she noticed. She asked me what was wrong? So, I told her. I had been mistreated by someone I had been helping, just like you are being mistreated. This person had been abandoned by family and friends too. She had chased everyone away.

I learned a lot from my daughter ‘s response to me. She said, “Mom, people will treat you according to how you treat yourself. You always taught me to value myself so I don’t understand why you are not valuing yourself. You taught me to have self respect because you always said that people will not respect someone who doesn’t respect themselves.” A light bulb went off! I did teach my daughters that lesson but I clearly wasn’t following it myself. Later that day, I told the person that I was helping that I would no longer be available to help them. I felt relieved and got my self respect back.

Sometimes we just need to be reminded of who we are. You deserve respect. You know this. Say goodbye to this person and you will find another place to work.

Best wishes to you. Take care. 💗

Just quit.

Samantha252, lots of sound advice has been given to you. I would add that, if you are able, when you contact his family to resign also let them know that he may be to the point of requiring more services than just cleaning. You don't need to say more than that, but if I were this man's children, I'd want to know. Make sure you let them know you've been "donating" an extra cleaning every other week for X amount of weeks (not to seek payment, but just to let them know). This gentleman maybe has the beginnings of cognitive decline — again his family should be given the opportunity to address it.

Who hired you?
If he hired you he is your employer and you can tender your resignation. Give a week notice (2 if you feel generous)
If a family member hired you they are your employer and you tender your resignation to them giving the same notice.
If the attitude has changed recently it could possibly be a medical problem and family should be made aware of the situation.
If you were working any other job, at a gas station, in an office, store clerk my advice would be the same. There is no reason anyone should be expected to take verbal abuse from an employer. As a matter of fact if this were a "regular" job you could report the behavior to HR.
You can do much better. Save your sanity, self esteem, self respect and leave this job.

Samantha,

You are making the same mistake I have in the past. You are placing others above yourself.

You are so sweet, kind, generous and an extremely hard worker. Be proud of your good qualities. That doesn’t mean that others are allowed to take advantage of your good nature.

You are a hard worker with strong work ethics. I admire that. You will have no problem filling the gap with a new client as soon as you leave this position. He is not worthy of you. He has failed you. You are not failing him. A person should give respect in order to receive it. He clearly is not doing that.

Let me ask you something please. If someone else was in this position and they came to you to ask your advice, would you recommend that they stay or leave? Be honest. You know that you would tell them to leave. Why? Because you have been through the misery and wouldn’t want anyone else to endure that kind of misery.

Don’t question if you should stay? He’s going to be fine. If he struggles he brought it on himself. Sad but true.

One more question please. Do you think anyone else would have gone above and beyond their duties like you have? Be honest. You know the answer is, NO! No one else would do what you have done.

Years ago, I was trying to have a baby. I couldn’t work full time because of many appointments with my fertility doctor but it drove me crazy not working so like you I signed up to work with an agency. For the most part it was great! I worked at a lot of great places doing clerical work.

Anyway, this one attorney that they sent me to was out of the box, bat sh*t crazy! He really was. I did everything he asked me to do. I did his filing. I typed his letters. I made his appointments for him. I took incoming phone calls, etc.

This attorney literally got a half inch from my nose and was screaming at the top of his lungs at me saying that I was not being paid to just ‘sit’ there and ‘look pretty!’ He asked why wasn’t I working? I told him I had completed everything that he gave me to do. He was trying to make me cry on purpose. I sucked it up. I have strong work ethics too but we are not supposed to be anyone else’s doormats. I made it through the day but I would not have accepted any future assignments to continue working for his law firm.

Later on, just before closing time a young man who worked with the law firm came up to my desk and thanked me. I was puzzled and asked him why was he thanking me.

He said, “Well, no one from the temp agency has ever made it past lunch time without crying out leaving. We take bets on who will stay. I bet that you would. I was the only person who bet in your favor. I won lots of money today! Everyone bet against you because you are so tiny and they never looked at you as a person to stand up to him.” This attorney was a big guy!

Yeah, I was professional on the job. As soon as I got to my car I cried my eyes out.

I told my boss what happened. She said, “I have been hearing that he is a bit of a tyrant but no one explained to me just how bad he is. She thanked me and told me that they were not going to send workers to his law firm anymore. She then explained that he was under extreme stress because his days were numbered. He was going to jail for embezzlement. I had a right to tell the agency about his behavior. So do you.

Tell your boss about his behavior and let the chips fall where they will. We reap what we sew. Karma and all that stuff.

Samantha, you have no reason to feel guilty or bad. You have been a good friend to him. He can not say the same.

Friendship is a two way street and this has been very one sided.

I wouldn't recommend sending his children a letter that states that you see that he is needing more and more help and you thought you would just give them a heads up about his increasing needs.

Best of luck.

Samantha, this man has been mentally beating you up. That's why you couldn't think straight enough to see how exploitative and abusive his behaviour has been, or defend your right to fair pay for your work and decent treatment in your workplace. It may take you some time to recover from the experience: do you have anyone you can talk it through with?

Goodness I'll be glad to hear you've escaped him! What a nasty bully.

Samantha...
You are working for an agency. They are supposed to "protect" their employees.
If a client is getting abusive it is time to talk to your supervisor and ask for a change. I am sure there are other employees that will take this job and you can be assigned another.
If you have no luck talking to your supervisor then go "up the chain of command"

Responding to ur reply to Country Mouse.

Glad you made this decision. Yes,I think you have been very reasonable. And, he doesn't need to know anymore than you just can't make it on Saturday.

Once you walk out, block his phone. You won't know if he called or not.

Will u be contacting the family and explaining why you have chose not to work for their Dad?

Sometimes our good intentions backfire. Sometimes in your kind of work, you are the only person that person sees. So, be nice. You can bring flowers and cookies, etc but stick to the job u are there to do. If asked to do something not in ur job discription, nicely say sorry I can't do that. Keep it professional as possible.

Do your clients pay the company that finds u jobs. Your check is from the company? If so, I would say that the company is ur employer. The person you work for is a client. As such, the client has hired u for a particular purpose. Thats your guideline. If the client has a problem with that, then they talk to ur employer. If the money does not go from his hands to yours, he is not an employer. You may want to think of it this way. May change the way u look at a job.

Come back and tell us how it worked out.

Samantha, I don't know that I would worry about handing the man your letter. I might write it and leave it on the fridge where the kids might find it instead. I think he will tear it up. You can tell your agency that someone else needs to go the next time, that you are not going there again, and they can handle it. That way your man won't be left without help. And if the next person won't do it again, fine. But the agency makes some money off your work, and this is what they can do to earn that money - find a new person to take that spot. You don't need to feel guilty at all. <3 I'm so proud of you for standing up for yourself! Use call blocking when you leave that house Monday, ok?

Samantha, I read your update. I’m very sorry you had to endure that abuse but glad it’s all behind you. You never have to go back and hopefully the man gets the help he needs. Either way, you’re safe. You are a caring and compassionate person and there are so many people that will appreciate you. Keep being the person you are and keep protecting yourself and your family. Hugs!

Samantha, I am so glad you stood up for yourself and left! You are safe and it's over. I would not worry about the logs. You are done with him.

Often our elders tell their children that they are fine and they have help, so they don't need/want the children to interfere in their lives. Our hands are tied until the elder has evidence of failing. A filthy house is one point of evidence. If they have a home assessment, a dirty house helps the kids get him help. So by no longer working for him, you are actually helping him get the help he needs sooner.

Please call your agency and warn them that it is unsafe for someone to work for him. Hopefully they will stop servicing his account but they can at least note your experience for records.