Constant anxiety attacks over this stupid virus!
I am trying to be a good citizen and have hunkered down with DH for the last 2,000 days (maybe it just seems that long). I wear a mask if I go anywhere and really limit shopping or errands. So, although I am not perfect, I'm definitely trying!
My problem is--I can 'fake' it during the days. I make goodies every week and take them around the neighbrohood, I made cloth masks for everyone who asked.. I made 100 medical grade masks in a huge group effort to get more of them into the system...people actually look to me as a voice of reason...BUT
I am a mess. I go to bed, have a hard time falling asleep and then BAM, almost every night I wake up in full heart pounding panic attacks. Last night it went on for over 2 hours. Since my chemo last year I am more prone to these, one of the lovelier side effects that doesn't appear to be disappating.
I got up, prayed, walked around, tried all the things I usually do to quell a panic attack and finally, at about 5 pm, it calmed down enough that I could sleep.
I DO take a benzodiazepene for anxiety, but there are only X many I can have per month and the worry I will run out before the end of the month adds to my anxiety. I ended up taking 3 mgs last night--and that didn't STOP the atack, just kind of zoned me out.
Has anybody else just felt this sense of, well, not doom, because I know we're going to come out of this sooner rather than later--I don't know how to describe it---like a huge black cloud has settled over my soul. Maybe I should talk to someone about this (I also have a therapist that will do online visits-but I'm not sure that would be the same as being in her office.
I guess I need to know I am not alone--My Dh pretty much ignores me and does what he wants/needs to do. Most days he's not out of bed before noon. The WFH thing hasn't been to good for him, he NEEDS to be on site. I'm not used to having him home, so we're trying to work through that.
I guess I just need some words of support. I am not afraid of catching this, but I respect the rules.
I'm just sick, sick, sick---just got over chemo for cancer and this hits--I guess I just want some normalcy after a year of 'not normal'.
Many of you will relate to this: what are you doing to quell the anxiety?
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I take melatonin at night which helps me sleep. I am currently involved in a community fundraising project which gives me some focus.
We had Zoom services this morning at my synagogue. That helped some.
((((((Hugs)))))))).
I do not for a nanosecond believe in the sinister governmental plot theory. Though I will admit I've got no problem at all with the serious disruption there has been to the "county lines" illicit drug trade in this country: it's been impossibly difficult for dealers to send 10-14 year olds out from the cities by train to our little towns and villages, because those children stick out like sore thumbs and can't even claim to be visiting their grannies.
I don't know if this will make you laugh or not (I laughed like a drain, I'm afraid) but the Man Who Did The Modelling, the epidemiologist from Imperial who's responsible for our being cooped up like battery hens, had to resign the other day. Apparently he and his married lady friend could not bear the separation any longer and were caught in flagrante by the press when she visited his house for the second time. There you are, you see - love will find a way!
Society should open up more, with precautions like distancing, not shaking hands, wearing masks etc but there is no free lunch. This is beginning to cause more pain than the virus itself.
Combined, they help your body produce melatonin, magnesium is the mineral that is important for our nervous system, among many other things. Zinc is good for the immune system and supports other bodily functions.
I wonder if you are not deficient in some vitamins and minerals because of the chemo.
I always try the natural solution when something gets wonky.
Speaking from personal experience.
Do you dance, or work out? Tai Chi is relaxing, good for the body, but not demanding or potentially dangerous like going to a gym.
Are you eating any foods that might aggravate anxiety? Do you eat something like turkey with tryptophan at night to help you sleep? Don't drink coffee in the evening?
I won't deny that I often have sleepless nights, so I try to dream of my garden and the elaborate plans I have for it but probably won't ever be able to accomplish. Planning is a good diversion.
When my sister was dying of cancer, we both had sleepless nights, so we played CDs of specifically calming music, such as waves lapping on a shore. Later I used those as well as harp music to calm me before I went to bed.
Or I think about how much worse it could be. Gov. Cuomo made some good points today, citing the duration of WWI, WWII, the Spanish Flu and Great Depression. He pointed out that this pandemic in the US, has only last 56 days so far. (I think he was referring only to NY though as it's just beginning to affect some states.)
I often remember my father's tales of standing for hours in bread lines, in cold weather, or my mother tale's of being cold b/c they had no coal to heat the house.
Perhaps because we haven't experienced anything like this in our generation, we're also not experienced in coping, and I won't deny that it is frightening. I sometimes wonder how long I'll be here if I become infected. That motivates me to inventory my possessions and decide who I want to have them, as well as to start big cleanup projects. (I wouldn't want my heirs to see all the accumulated fabric and yarn, quilting, knitting and crochet magazines and books I have!)
I am completely obeying the orders for our state. we have a very small # of cases and very few deaths--and I believe all were older, ill people.
I understand the 'math' and I do not listen to Dr Fauci at all--I think he's enjoying his time in the spotlight, but he's just terrifying us all.
I laid down to rest after delivering the masks and hitting the grocery store. Konked out for 3 solid hours. I'm up now, but feel like I could just go to bed, for the night.
Having my DH home all the time is really hard. He's messy and loud and is not the least bit sympathetic (not shocking to know, this is definitely just as hard to be quarantined with as I had thought).
I think I am just going through something--probably doing way too much to keep myself distracted. And I am still heaing from chemo, so I don't know what it chemo 'leaving' and just being anxious.
Appreciate the comments and will try some meditation pocasts my daughter swears by!
I got an Rx for Ativan and learned that I had to take it as soon as I felt like things were ramping up. Someone had put the fear of addiction in me and I was waiting too long to take the medication.
I called our Provincial Crisis Line several times. Some of those calls were an hour or more, but it gave me a lifeline.
I had months of intensive therapy.
People tried to push meditation on me, but it caused me more frustration.
What eventually worked was the Ocean. Being near the Ocean has always been the place that soothed my soul. I would take the dog at the crack of dawn and watch the sunrise at the beach. I would walk until the sun was high in the sky.
All my senses were soothed, the smell of the salt water and seaweed, the feel of a breeze and sea spray, the sound of the waves, birds and the wind, the rhythmic sight of the waves, the birds in the sky and the sun rising into the sky and yes, even taste, I would pick berries along the shore.
I read a post on Facebook the other day that really resonated with me. It was refuting the comment that we are all in the same boat with Covid-19. It went on to say we are each in our own boat, that has different provisions in the same storm. I was doing ok, until my son was called back to work. Now I am alone with the critters and struggling to accomplish the most basic task.
Just as you came through your cancer treatment, you will come through this, but it is not easy.
I am single and retired, Moms in a nursing home. Stressing about making choices for her is adding to all the virus stress. I visit her almost daily. We sit by her window and talk on the phone. Being calm and understanding with her dementia is getting more difficult and I want to go home and scream.
I am dealing with the panic by keeping active, walking daily. I have been keeping up with my exercise classes, tuning into live/virtual sessions. I attend a Zoom yoga class and can see and interact with the instructor and other students. I bought a math text book and am working my way through elementary to high school math, never my best subject!
I have found sheep and goat videos to play in the background, silly but calming. I only check email once a day, and stay away from social media, and limit watching the news.
Most important for me is stepping back from the daily deluge of bad news and looking at a wider picture. The world has lived through much worse epidemics. Plague killed 25-30% of the people in Europe in the Middle Ages, Corvid is about 1%. The stock market is holding fairly steady, Warren Buffet is positive about the future. Houses are selling, babies are being born, the earth keeps turning, the sun will come up tomorrow.
As I sit here typing I can feel the tension building in my chest so it’s time to go do something to take my mind off my worries.
This is not true. There are many examples of quaratine - The Plague and Spanish Flu are perfect examples. Please share facts here.
As caregivers, we need good medical information and advice to help us make very good decisions for the love ones we care for and for ourselves.
It's really that simple. We seemed to have turned the corner in much of NY, although here in the city, the number of cases is still problematic.
Fun fact: the NYC neighborhood with the highest concentration by zip code is....Corona, Queens.
Some good will come out of this virus. Our health care providers will learn new protocols and emergency behaviors. People will know to stockpile a certain quantity of food--I have 3 months worth--wouldn't have to go to a store for 3 months.
It's NOT the lack of shopping or having things to do, for me, it's all about the social. I have to ask DH for one hug a day--and he grudgingly accedes. I miss my grands' hugs and I have to admit, I've hugged those little boogers anyway. I KNOW my panic has come not from fear of the virus and dying (I mean, I just got over cancer and that was one crappy year--I am afraid of losing touch with the people who mean the most to me.)
This too, shall pass. I am feeling a tad more hopeful this week.
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