Another kodak moment in the books with my difficult 90 year old argumentative mother. A few weeks ago, she told me none of her watches worked anymore ..when I told her they probably needed batteries she argued with me and my husband that watches only needed to be wound up and none had batteries anymore. As I had a prior part time job in watch repair, I offered to take them home and replace all the batteries, which I did. My husband and I took them over when we picked her up to take her to dinner. She still argued that they didnt need batteries . I took one of the covers off and showed her and she STILL seemed like she didn't believe me or my husband, who said he watched me replace them! I gave her all the watches back and told her to put them in her jewelry box. Today, when I dropped off her groceries, she said she couldn't find the watch hes and she told me I took them back to my house. I then helped her search and asked if maybe one of the cleaning staff might have taken them as they were all together in bag ..She said that couldn't possibly happen . I know she has early dementia but she has misplaced them and refuses to acknowledge that she lost them somewhere in her apartment.. She had me call my husband who said yes, we brought them back to her and she still won't believe us. I left with her screaming at me that I must still have them. At my wits end. She challenges and doesn't believe anything I tell her. I guess I will have to start taking photos of everything I do with ,and for her. It's exhausting and ridiculous...I'm 66 and wonder when I can have my own life without all her drama and paranoia.
JUST REMEMBER- you are an intact grown up. She is a vulnerable, failing adult. You are no longer her child. SHE is the child.
Don’t waste your time on nonessentials.
It JUST isn’t worth it.
Just received a call from mom....she found the watches( surprise) ...She had wrapped them in a handkerchief and thats why I didnt see them hidden in the back of her drawer when I looked today....I told her I was glad she found them , bit my tongue to stifle the snarky remark that came to mind) and nicely told her I appreciated her telling me ...and I was ready to hang up and finish our supper ,
when she said "I still dont believe you replaced them..I m sure your husband fixed them." Time for a cocktail .
Don't argue, you won't get thru to her. Short-term makes it hard for them to remember from day to day, hour to hour, minute to minute. What you could have done with the watches is just take them, put the batteries in them, and return them to where she had them. This is how you are going to need to deal with things. As soon as she starts to argue, let the subject go. Its not that important that she understand.
My mistake was handing the watches back to her after replacing all the batteries instead of just putting them back in her bedroom.,but then she would have moved them again anyway and forget where she moved them to. I was happy that she called to tell me that she found them and share where they are now for the next time she loses them again. I am very prepared and realize that she is approaching AL ..while still trying to encourage her to maintain her independence in what she is currently still successful in ..balancing her checkbook, making simple meals , doing laundry..and me being there in the wings when she asks for help..which is not too often. I can gladly give more help, but it is the constant challenging everything she asks me about , and then doesnt believe me. That is what is wearing me down and bringing all my anger and resentment. I can understand it , but still dread every interaction.
Hi there,
I understand your frustration. The family members that do the day-to-day care are always the ones in the cross hairs!
Do you think that your mom has progressed a bit further? She sounds like she's starting to be lost in time, which would be a bit further along than early dementia. If that's the case, she's probably not going to be able to learn something new like a new model of a cell phone.
With your background you may have already seen this--it follows along the 7 stages of dementia, but has a checklist as well that really helped me define what losses my mom was experiencing:
https://tamcummings.com/stages-of-dementia/
I found reading this helpful in understanding why it was a waste of time to try to use reason to explain some things to my mom. We had some epic 'discussions'. Now I just agree with her and we move on...
http://www.dementiacarestrategies.com/12_pt_Understanding_the_Dementia_Experience.pdf
Perhaps the cleaners threw out the bag by accident?
Do you think you can get some extra assistance from an aide to give you and your husband a break and a chance to breathe?
One of the other residents did just that....she called the Sheriff after my mother got her all riled up!
So the Sheriff shows up at my mother's door along with the Executive director. The sheriff says, I hear you've had a necklace stolen? My mother says, "I have no idea what you're talking about, I've never had anything stolen in my life!" And proceeds to slam the door to her apartment in their faces! 😂
She, of course, gets right on the horn to me to loudly complain about the NERVE of the Sheriff to show up at her door like that! I was like ma, you were expected to put your money where your mouth is for once! Instead, you denied your claim and slammed the door in her face!
The next day I went over to the ALF. The executive director and I had a laugh over the whole incident, and I told him I had no idea how on earth he was able to deal with all the b.s. that went on among these old ladies 24/7.
Then I went upstairs to my mother's apartment. I went into her closet and pulled out her jewelry box, with her hollering WHAT ARE YOU DOING? the whole time. I pulled out the silver heart necklace with my father's cremains in it and held it up for her to see. What is THAT? She wanted to know. It's the necklace the thieving staff stole from you, mom, is what I told her. It's been in your jewelry box where you put it this entire time.
She's never worn that necklace again. I have no idea where it is, in fact, she probably threw it in the trash knowing how mean natured she is.
She also tells me her watch is "broke" every time I see her. I took the damn thing home and changed the dead battery, but she still says it's "broke". Truth is, she can't tell time anymore and just wears the watch cuz it looks nice. Until one of the thieving staff steals it.
I hope that story gave you a bit of a laugh. God knows we cry enough already over all the crap they put us thru. Gotta laugh whenever we can, right? 😁
Is mom still able to live independently with minimal assistance or is mom taking more and more of your time? Make a list of all you do for her - are there new items on the list not there previously? Is it time to get some in-home aids to help her more?
When is your mother due to visit her dr again. Tell the doc your concerns and have them do an assessment. Depending on the results, you may want a referral to a neurologist that specializes in dementia.
While mom may not yet need to move to the next level of care get prepared now. Start looking into the next level of care - is she in a continuing care community where she can move easily to the next level. If not, I'd start looking at AL or MC facilities and tuck the top contenders away for when the move will be necessary - and if you think mom is angry now just wait until you try and get her to move to the next level.
One bit of advise - look for humor - where ever you can find it. Laugh often - it will take some of the stress away - even if only temporarily. Mom's brain is now broken - logic and reason are no longer available to her - she is going more and more into a world of her brain's own making - occasionally you will need to visit her alternate universe to make her happy or soothe her agitation.
I wish you and your family blessings of peace, grace and love.
I have been told I have a great sense of humor, ( mandatory to survive these crazy times ) and my best friend is also dealing with very similar issues with her 90 year old mother, so we hold regular "Mommie D" conferences with each other, which helps so much!