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III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
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V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Cee, you haven't posted in 8 days. Has your father passed away?
The "dying" is more stressful than losing someone dear. To witness this is one of life's hardest moments, Even seeing my mother's awful cat die over a period of a week was the hardest thing I've experienced. Often during these times I turn to Poetry and music.
One for transforming loss is by the great vocalist Susan Osborn. Her album is titled "Tideline" and is based upon the thematic thread of a book popular in the UK and Japan called "The Little Tern." The seabird cannot fly, so adapts from his soaring loss eventually to life among the seaweeds and crabs and eventual rebirth. When I need this kind of transformative sweep, I will put on that album and listen with headphones over and over. Good to have album to follow the words. That is an experience you and your mother can "disappear" into to transform one's experience and grow back out into life again.
Get a "world's greatest poems" book(s). There are probably books titled "Poems to get over Grief," but don't get that (though you can look there for hints. Just get the GREAT stuff.)
Here's a poem I was made to memorize and perform in the 6th grade. I was totally clueless and recited in a monotone race to get it over with. I was bright in many ways, but clueless in this case. My poor teacher was disappointed, I could tell. "Don't you know what the poem is about?" Err....Sailing??? "It's about dying and reuniting with one's true self or God..." Ohhhh...
I Must Go Down to the Sea
I must go down to the seas again, to the lonely sea and the sky, And all I ask is a tall ship and a star to steer her by,
And the wheel's kick and the wind's song and the white sail's shaking, And a grey mist on the sea's face and a grey dawn breaking.
I must go down to the seas again, for the call of the running tide Is a wild call and a clear call that may not be denied; And all I ask is a windy day with the white clouds flying, And the flung spray and the blown spume, and the sea-gulls crying.
I must go down to the seas again, to the vagrant gypsy life, To the gull's way and the whale's way where the wind's like a whetted knife; And all I ask is a merry yarn from a laughing fellow-rover, And quiet sleep and a sweet dream when the long trick's over.
Cee: for now your Mother is where she feels she needs to be. Her devotion to your father is understandable, don't you agree?
With regards to getting a parent interested in going to a Senior Center... well you have to make the Senior Center be a place where they feel they can make a contribution. If they feel its just a place for OLD people, then perhaps maybe SHE/HE can go to the center and shake things up a bit with perhaps DANCE lessons, or a quilting circle, or a Recipe swap.. or Scrapbooking session, or..... something else that Mom likes to do at home!
My mother was very creative, and I told her that the 'old people at the Senior Center' needed a creative director to come and help organize FUN things to do, so they would not just 'sit around'. After speaking with the activities director at a local center, THEY drafted a letter to Mom and asked for HER help. She was so THRILLED to be needed, that she was excited to go to the center! Imagine that!
p.s. without sounding mean I can only imagine how much our parents (good or bad) gave up to 'stay with us' or 'sit with us' or 'wait for us', that we should be happy to help them anyway we can. Why not get ALL the family invovled in helping with mom? You won't be giving up anything except the chance to make new HAPPY(ier) memories. Once they are gone, there isn't any chance at all. Take Mom out for an icecream cone, or to the movies, or to the park, and involve ALL of your family.
My heart breaks when I read "I have a life too" yes you do, and who gave you that life? I am sure that since my mother has passed that my 'other siblings' are wishing THEY had spent more time with Mom while she was here, called more, visited more.... but all they can do now is wish. My wish for everyone is peace... please don't thing I am passing judgement on anyone, just really needed to say that.
Are guest allowed for lunch maybe you could go with her one day-some people are afraid going in alone and then she would see her friends or tell her you both will go for a short visit and once she is there she will feel comfortable and lots of people will probably tell her they have missed her-my little town has a lovely center and I will be going tomarrow.
I have called one of her friends and asked her to phone mom this evening. The trouble now is that my father is back at my sister's place and had all iV and supports removed so he can die in peace. Since he has forgotten how to swallow and has not had anything for five days, the only thing mom can do is sit by his side during the day and watch him slowly die of starvation. She won't be redy to mingle with her friends until after he dies.
Is hospice involved I understand they are very helpful at a time like what she is going through an MD could arrange this and if her friends would call or maybe visit it might help her a lot may God bless you and her and give you strength at this time.
What a great question.. I have a similiar issue feeling guilty all the time going out with my husband and friends and my Mom just sits home.. she refuses to join a Senior Center stating "its a bunch of old people who just sit around" .. well, its better than sitting home alone..
David Whyte is a surefire poet for times such as these.
Those who will not slip beneath the still surface of the well of grief
turning downward through its black water to the place we cannot breathe will never know the source from which we drink, the secret water, cold and clear, nor find in the darkness glimmering the small round coins thrown away by those who wished for something else.
At our center we make cancer pad for for a hospital that has pt's who are very ill and we also have a ball doing it and our crochet/knitting group have projects and it is also a place for those who want to hang out with their peers.
wow, my mom is the same way, only wants to interact with me and my husband, "those people there are old and waiting to die" are her exact words! But I looked up on the internet places that are close by my house, listed by zip code, and took her there! didnt really tell her where we were going, just showed up! She liked it! they were playing bingo, and chatting away, she was hesitant at first to get involved, so I promised to come along and play too!!! well that worked, it gave her the best of two worlds!!! after a while she wanted to go and I didnt even have to stay anymore! This was way before mom got too sick, and ahdnt been diagnosed yet, to make her a liability.....now this kind of community fun is no longer an option for her as she has a very rare desease, that makes her a liability, so she couldnt go to one, even if she wanted to! But it is still difficult where she is NOW to get her to socialize with the other "old people" because they are all too dumb for her!!! Granted my mom is very intelligent, I keep telling her over and over that people that matter dont judge and people that judge dont matter, and that goes for her too!!! when she says mean things about others, she knows by the way I look at her that she is in trouble!!!! I will not condone her putting down the other residents who some are sicker than others, and absolutely wont let her judge a sole, with me present! she knows I will get very upset and NOT put up with it!!!! So she just smiles and keeps her thoughts to herself, now even though she cant stand her roomate either, because she is heavy and mom says she smells, I still help her eat, and try to make her comfortable as well! mom hated this, but she has no choice, as I understand that people dont have others, and some are so much luckier than others!!! I think by doing this, my mom is starting to realize all that she has to be grateful for!!!! Its really amazing, working with her, and having her realize that nobody died and made her Queen, and If they did, I ask her who, so I can be a Princess to the Queen!!!!! lol thats all for now...;.hope this shed at least a lil light on the situation.....
You are doing a good thing helping the other woman as well, setting a good example. Every time mom is in nursing home (recovery from broken hip) and hospital, I make allies with the roommates, cleaning staff, and nurses. If your mother still has her wits about her, she can find ways (with your help) of assisting others. Perhaps she can read to them. Since your mother is still mentally capable, perhaps she can have a big goal for herself, like learning Spanish or viewing all the Verdi operas on DVD. Or viewing every available DVD version of the Swan Lake Ballet. Perhaps your mother can find someone in the nursing home who is still bright mentally, and they could engage in some cultural appreciation activities together.
Bob on the Alzheimer's Reading Room blog put up a quote yesterday to the effect that it is not what we DO that matters, but the type of person we become while doing it. He was referring to the undertaking of being a caregiver, but it applies to the "patient" as well.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
The "dying" is more stressful than losing someone dear. To witness this is one of life's hardest moments, Even seeing my mother's awful cat die over a period of a week was the hardest thing I've experienced. Often during these times I turn to Poetry and music.
One for transforming loss is by the great vocalist Susan Osborn. Her album is titled "Tideline" and is based upon the thematic thread of a book popular in the UK and Japan called "The Little Tern." The seabird cannot fly, so adapts from his soaring loss eventually to life among the seaweeds and crabs and eventual rebirth. When I need this kind of transformative sweep, I will put on that album and listen with headphones over and over.
Good to have album to follow the words. That is an experience you and your mother can "disappear" into to transform one's experience and grow back out into life again.
Get a "world's greatest poems" book(s). There are probably books titled "Poems to get over Grief," but don't get that (though you can look there for hints. Just get the GREAT stuff.)
Here's a poem I was made to memorize and perform in the 6th grade. I was totally clueless and recited in a monotone race to get it over with. I was bright in many ways, but clueless in this case. My poor teacher was disappointed, I could tell. "Don't you know what the poem is about?" Err....Sailing??? "It's about dying and reuniting with one's true self or God..." Ohhhh...
I Must Go Down to the Sea
I must go down to the seas again,
to the lonely sea and the sky,
And all I ask is a tall ship and a star
to steer her by,
And the wheel's kick and the wind's song and the white sail's shaking,
And a grey mist on the sea's face and a grey dawn breaking.
I must go down to the seas again, for the call of the running tide
Is a wild call and a clear call that may not be denied;
And all I ask is a windy day with the white clouds flying,
And the flung spray and the blown spume, and the sea-gulls crying.
I must go down to the seas again, to the vagrant gypsy life,
To the gull's way and the whale's way where the wind's like a whetted knife;
And all I ask is a merry yarn from a laughing fellow-rover,
And quiet sleep and a sweet dream when the long trick's over.
- John Masefield
With regards to getting a parent interested in going to a Senior Center... well you have to make the Senior Center be a place where they feel they can make a contribution. If they feel its just a place for OLD people, then perhaps maybe SHE/HE can go to the center and shake things up a bit with perhaps DANCE lessons, or a quilting circle, or a Recipe swap.. or Scrapbooking session, or..... something else that Mom likes to do at home!
My mother was very creative, and I told her that the 'old people at the Senior Center' needed a creative director to come and help organize FUN things to do, so they would not just 'sit around'. After speaking with the activities director at a local center, THEY drafted a letter to Mom and asked for HER help. She was so THRILLED to be needed, that she was excited to go to the center! Imagine that!
p.s. without sounding mean I can only imagine how much our parents (good or bad) gave up to 'stay with us' or 'sit with us' or 'wait for us', that we should be happy to help them anyway we can. Why not get ALL the family invovled in helping with mom? You won't be giving up anything except the chance to make new HAPPY(ier) memories. Once they are gone, there isn't any chance at all. Take Mom out for an icecream cone, or to the movies, or to the park, and involve ALL of your family.
My heart breaks when I read "I have a life too" yes you do, and who gave you that life? I am sure that since my mother has passed that my 'other siblings' are wishing THEY had spent more time with Mom while she was here, called more, visited more.... but all they can do now is wish. My wish for everyone is peace... please don't thing I am passing judgement on anyone, just really needed to say that.
The trouble now is that my father is back at my sister's place and had all iV and supports removed so he can die in peace. Since he has forgotten how to swallow and has not had anything for five days, the only thing mom can do is sit by his side during the day and watch him slowly die of starvation.
She won't be redy to mingle with her friends until after he dies.
Those who will not slip beneath
the still surface of the well of grief
turning downward through its black water
to the place we cannot breathe
will never know the source from which we drink,
the secret water, cold and clear,
nor find in the darkness glimmering
the small round coins
thrown away by those who wished for something else.
David Whyte, from Close to Home
Bob on the Alzheimer's Reading Room blog put up a quote yesterday to the effect that it is not what we DO that matters, but the type of person we become while doing it. He was referring to the undertaking of being a caregiver, but it applies to the "patient" as well.
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