How to convince my wife with dementia that she is at home?

Hi Bob. Last time you asked this question, I gave you the following reply:

Pick up a copy of the book Understanding the Dementia Experience by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller on Amazon so you can learn about dementia and how to deal with your wife and her confusion. She's regressed in time to when you were both young and is looking for the Bob of 30, 40 or 50 years ago, most likely. Here is a link to a good article on the very subject:

https://www.alz.org/help-support/caregiving/stages-behaviors/memory-loss-confusion

Also call her doctor for calming meds which can help a lot. Ativan worked well for my mother.

5 things to remember when someone with dementia is asking to go home

1. Avoid arguing about whether they are already ‘home'
For a person with dementia, the term 'home' may describe something more than the place they currently live. Often when a person with dementia asks to go home it refers to the sense of ’home’ rather than home itself. 

‘Home’ may represent memories of a time or place that was comfortable and secure and where they felt relaxed and happier. It could also be an indefinable place that may not physically exist. 

It’s usually best not to try to reason or disagree with the person about where their home is.
If they don't recognise their environment as 'home' at that moment, then for that moment, it isn't home.
Advice
What not to say to somebody with dementia
Try to understand and acknowledge the feelings behind the wish to go home. Find out where 'home' is for them - it might not be the last place they lived. It could be where they lived before moving recently or it could be somewhere from their distant past. 

Often people with dementia describe 'home' as a pleasant, peaceful or idyllic place where they were happy. They could be encouraged to talk about why they were happy there. This can give an idea as to what they might need to feel better.

2. Reassure them of their safety
The desire to go home is probably the same desire anyone would have if we found ourselves in an unfamiliar place. 
Reassure the person verbally, and possibly with arm touches or handholding if this feels appropriate. Let the person know that they are safe. 

It may help to provide reassurance that the person is still cared about. They may be living somewhere different from where they lived before, and need to know they’re cared for.

3. Try diverting the conversation
Keep a photograph album handy. This could be a physical book or photos on a tablet or smartphone. Sometimes looking at pictures from the past and being given the chance to reminisce will ease the person’s feelings of anxiety. 

It might be best to avoid asking questions about the pictures or the past, instead trying to make comments: 'That looks like Uncle Fred. Granny told me about the time he....' 
Alternatively, you could try shifting the person's focus from home to something else - such as food, music, or other activities, such as going for a walk. 

4. Establish whether or not they are feeling unhappy or lonely
A person with dementia may want to 'go home' because of feelings of anxiety, insecurity, depression or fear.

5. Keep a log of when they are asking to go home
Certain times of the day might be worse than others. What seems to be the common denominator about these times? Is it near meal times (and would a snack perhaps help)? Is it during times when the environment is noisier than usual? Is it later in the day and possibly due to ‘sundowning’?
If you see a pattern, you can take steps to lessen or avoid some of the triggers.

*******
Your wife wants to go back to her childhood home. She's regressed in time to when she was a young woman and is looking for you as you were as a young man, and the home she lived in then. You're not going to convince her she's home because in her mind, she's NOT home. You need to meet her where SHE is, in HER reality, and stop correcting her. You need to learn about dementia and how to deal with your wife by reading about it.

Good luck

Bob, I suspect your wife is going back In time, or looking for a place that feels like home to her

I'm sure this is so heartbreaking for you. But you can't convince her of this, her brain is broken. I'm so sorry.
Best to not convince her, change the subject, tell her you will go home tomorrow, and hope she lets it go.

Are you the only one talking care of your wife? Do you have help?

Go on YouTube and learn everything you can about dementia. Some people like Teepa Snow, there are others, and good books

But I'm very sorry to say you will never convince her she is home. Home is really in are heart, so your wife just may not feel at home in her heart.

If you have old pictures or anything from your wife's past that you can bring out that may help.

Best of luck Bob, we are always here to lend an ear.

She means her childhood home most likely.

Hi

See if you can watch a Youtuber, his channel name is:

dsalnorcal

His father has dementia, and lives with him. He makes videos and shorts about this experience.

Back when my Mom was dealing with memory loss she use to say she wants to go home. I was puzzled at first, then she asked if the cows were back in the barn. Aha, Mom was talking about her childhood home, her parents had owned a dairy farm.


Any time my Mom would ask to go home, I used what was called a "therapeutic fib" by saying her parents were visiting the old county (which they did regularly). If Mom asked about all her siblings, I had to quickly come up with a fib that Mom would understand, and she accepted those "fibs" as she would smile.

About the only thing that calms my wife down on this issue is to tell her that she's 'at home, where she's loved'.

You can't convince her. Maybe something like "we're going to go later" and then distract her.

Bob, instead of trying to convince her that she is ‘home’, it might be nicer for both of you to get her to talk about what she likes about the ‘home’ she is imagining. You could have quite a good conversation about what she liked best, and what you are going to do when you manage to arrange to go ‘there’ for a visit. It might be worth a try – telling her about reality clearly isn’t getting either of you anywhere.

She probably means a childhood home.

Wife asks, "I want to go home."

You make a quick statement then ask her an open ended question as a diversion.

Your reply--try some of these--

Home is wonderful. What do you like best about home?
We are here now. What is the best thing about your home?
I like being at home too. When you are home what activities do you like to do?
The family is at home. What do you want for dinner?
You have a wonderful Mom and Dad. What do you want for dinner?
Your family is wonderful. What are your favorite things to do?

Quick response. Then diversionary open ended question. It should get her off of the loop.

Call her PCP or neurologist and talk to them. She may need her meds adjusted.
Her meds are not just about her, you count for something too in this puzzle.
I haven't been cussed at in almost 2 weeks now due to a recent med increase of just 25mg. That slight med change not only helped her, but also helped me.

The main point, as you have discovered, is that you can’t convince her of anything because that is her reality now. You need to join her where she is when you are speaking with her about things like this.

Bob, I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you.

I hope you have help and support. We are always here to , give are best advice, we can

Thinking of you, 🙏