How do I cope with a difficult parent?
Hi all.
Haven't been on here in a while but wanted to ask you all for some advice as I'm having a lot of problems come up lately..
So my 82 yr old mom who has breast cancer, asthma & a few other illnesses is becoming more & more needy.
She lives alone about 5 mins away from me.
She has refused ALL health care tech help (anyone who can visit her @ home to help with bathing, cooking, light housekeeping, etc) and has not gone to see her new primary doctor who was replaced last year since her old doc is no longer on staff @ the hospital.
My moms prescription for her asthma meds is going to expire soon & the new doctor will NOT renew the script without seeing my mom first so there's one problem because everyone I've made an appointment for mom to go see the new doc, she'll cancel it saying she's not feeling well enough to go, "I'm dizzy", etc so without a primary doctor, my mom can't get any pain meds (should she need them in the future for her cancer).
She has turned down the palliative nurses suggestion (after she examined my mom & asked her a whole bunch of questions) that my mom get sign up for hospice care, this way she'll be able to have a doctor come to the house instead of having to get to the doctors office.
But my mom because very angry at the palliative nurse when she suggested that & told her l"m not ready for hospice yet so just forget about that".
Ok so mom has been very dizzy for years now.
Used a walker to get around the house.
She is very weak, cannot use the stove anymore, can only microwave her food, etc.
I am the only child.
No family living in our state.
I work 2 jobs & am having difficulty keeping a roof over my own head & caring for my fur babies.
My mom expects me to go & stay w/her everyday, for hours (if I leave after 1 or 2 hours, she complains that I'm "running out") so I'm not able to work as much because of the time I'm spending w/mom takes away from my job.
In turn, I've had to have my mom make a couple of my car payments because I'm not making enough money to do that.
Not blaming her in any way, just wanting to give all the facts.
My mom also has had anxiety which she refuses treatment for because she doesn't want to take any drugs because she says she "sensitive" & is afraid of having a "bad reaction" to whatever the doctor would prescribe her.
So there are days when my mom will call me 5-10 times in a row, minutes apart saying how weak or dizzy she is & "you have to come over here right now".. "maybe I'll feel better after you get here", "You have to come by or you'll don't wanna have any regrets do you?".
Then when I do go over to her house, she's ok and seems a lot less "fragile" then she said she was on her messages.
I'm not able to get my own things done like my laundry, run a personal errand because she calls so much & wants/needs me to do things "right now", "I know your not working now so why don't you come over & stay with your mother for a few hours".. etc.
I think I may lose my mind if she doesn't stop this.
The palliative nurse is supposed to come on a regular basis but when she does get to see my mom, mom will tell her she doesn't need her, & she will call her when she'd like her to come back.
So the nurse isn't aware of all this neediness that my mother is exhibiting w/me & how much her anxiety is progressed.
How am I supposed to cope w/this situation?
Am I truly being a "bad daughter" by ignoring her calls so I can get thru my day or should I just drop everything & become her slave & out her needs first before my own in order to show that I'm a "good daughter"??
I am very resentful that she's making me feel this way & that has me feeling "guilty" as well, like I shouldn't be but I am.
Please advise on what I could do to better cope.
14 Answers
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The help we give our loved ones is conditional. If your mom agrees to see her Dr. and take his/her advice, if she agrees to take her medication as prescribed, basically if she agrees to take an active role in her own healthcare which includes not sending away any in-home help then maybe you can consider becoming part of her healthcare team but if she continues to slam the door on everything yet demand that you sacrifice your job and personal life you have no choice but to back away in order to save yourself. I don't mean cutting all ties to your mom but not being her go-to for every little thing.
You're not being a bad daughter by not dropping everything to run to your mom. You need to set boundaries. We all have to set boundaries throughout our life. My dad would call me at 11pm and be very distressed that he couldn't find his black socks. I'd take the first call to assess the situation but I wouldn't take anymore calls if he wanted to discuss black socks at 11pm. I just wouldn't answer the phone. Yes, it was difficult and I felt guilty but I had to preserve my own sanity and make sure that I had a decent night's sleep so I could work the next day.
Boundaries.
Has she always been manipulative like this?
The next time she calls with a needy/dizzy/you need to be here spell, I'd call 911 and have them evaluate.
Set a visiting schedule with your mom and stick to it. Call her at a set time to chat for a few minutes, make sure she has the nurse's phone number handy.
If you go running every time she calls, you WILL be regretful--that you've lost your job and home.
If your mom has terminal cancer, she's going to die, and without hospice, in terrible pain, so there will be plenty of advance warning. ( all of this applies only if she doesn't have dementia).
If your mom is competent to make foolish choices, just remember that her bad choices don't mean you have to make up for them.
I feel sorry for your mother. I really do. The poor old lady is lonely and no doubt scared. She has no social life other than her very small family, which is not unusual in her age group. It sounds like she is a bit paranoid and won't trust "strangers." She has one disease that makes her very uncomfortable and another which is likely to take her life. She sits alone and broods. It is too bad that she isn't using that time to plan ahead and consider what her best options are. Her first best option, I think, is to stay where she is as long as she can, by accepting all available help. Next, hospice sounds reasonable. Or a care center, most likely a skilled nursing facility (and maybe hospice care there). But she does have options other than suffering alone and making you suffer.
You can't make her choices for her. But you can refuse to be bullied by her bad choices. And you can point out the consequences of her decisions but then let her face them herself. The consequence of not going to the doctor will be that her medications will be unavailable. (NO doctor is going to simply sign off on her prescriptions without seeing her.) I don't know how she'll react when that time actually comes, but remember that this bad decision is Not Your Fault. No guilt, please.
Once I arrived to pick up my mother for a doctor appointment and she was sitting in her wheelchair in her pajamas.
"Ma, it is time to leave!"
"Oh, I don't feel so good. I am too tired to go anywhere."
"Well you know what, Ma? You can be tired in your wheelchair while I push you all the way to the car. You can be tired in the car. You can be tired in the waiting room. And then you can tell the doctor all about being tired and any other problems you are having." [finding clothes in the closet during this speech]
"Here is blouse that is easy to put on. Your pajama bottoms look like casual pants. Do you want to leave them on? How about your slippers?"
"But I really don't want to go!"
"I know Ma, and I am sorry. I am very willing to take you to appointments, but I can only do that when I have someone to take care of Coy. [my husband with dementia] There is someone with him now, and we have to take advantage of that." [this said while I am wheeling her out the door]
I can't remember a time my mother EVER pushed the guilt button on any of us, so obviously it was much easier for me to cope. I think that if you can ditch the guilt, you'll find it easier to cope, too.
Set your limits and stick with them. Don't answer her phone calls if she calls repeatedly. When she wants you to come over, tell her "Mom, I can't come because I'm busy." You don't have to explain what you're doing. If she asks, just repeat.
Note - if your Mother ever needs Medicaid assistance in the future, you are putting her in a dangerous position by paying your car payments from her account.
Tell Mom firmly that you will come over once the nurse has been there for a few hours, and not until then.
I don't know your mother's psychological problems, but I agree with Jeanne that your relationship with her doesn't seem healthy. You are trying to get a little breathing space, but she is pulling hard on you. Parents can make us feel so guilty. Eyerishlass and Jeanne gave excellent advice. I know how hard it will be to follow the advice, since your mother seems to have dependent and narcissistic tendencies, but for you to have a life, she is going to have to give a bit... and I don't mean money. I mean getting out of her comfort zone and feeling a bit of anxiety. She can do it. She is still an adult.
I'm really thinking about getting a part time job, both b/c I need the money and my going to work may finally stop them from thinking I'll be available at the drop of a hat. If I don't answer the phone they'll call and call and call, and start txting and posting on my FB about "being scared something has happened to me"... just reading this I see I am going to need to put a stop to this behavior no matter what it takes. Hugs to all.
And THANK YOU... I really needed this reminder: "If your mom is competent to make foolish choices, just remember that her bad choices don't mean you have to make up for them." ❤️
For some I believe it is a real power trip to have their children waiting on them hand and foot. I remember hearing my husband's aunt literally chortling how her two
nieces were literally "killing themselves" cleaning her house up when she was suffering from minor bowel trouble. She had a huge life savings and she wasn't shy to dangle over the poorer young relations as bait as a way to create her very own personal slaves.
The harsh reality is .that many older people have inadequate savings or will blow through their savings on medical/nursing expenses. They are happy to impoverish their children's lives so they can live in as much comfort as possible. My father spent his life enjoying himself going on many expensive vacations. I've spent the last 10 years spending every vacation but one on visiting him, to the detriment of my health and my relationships with friends and family. He has painted my visits as relaxing vacations to others when in reality they are filled with weary drudgery. I very much resent the undignified way he's treated me and the harm it has caused my health and happiness. Boundaries are essential to prevent this from happening. It isn't being selfish, it's being sane!!! And yes, some might find you "selfish", but so be it. When they want to take over your job care taking an uncooperative, ungrateful and draining elder on their own dime and time, then listen. Otherwise take care of yourself. If
you become incapacitated then your parent will really be lost.
Many people are only too happy to criticize, but let me tell you as someone whose been visiting a retirement community multiple times a year for over a decade, not many adult children step up to help their parents. The people on here who are caring for their parents in their own homes (either theirs or their parents) are going above and beyond the vast majority.
The doctors and therapists and social workers will scold and demand your time on your parents behalf, because having you take care of everything makes their life easier. You have to be tough not to be guilt tripped. At the end of the day, most go home to their families, while the rest of us have to find some way to cope with the unrealistic demands of parents who have retreated into a second childhood.
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