I am already on depression medicine for caring for my mom. She is too hard to deal with and I don’t think I can keep going. What can I do to help myself through this difficult time?
Mom only wants to starta fight, no matter what is said. I can make the most simple remark, like yesterday when I ask her to remove the :"info grid" from the tv so we could see the program. I have always tried to respond nicely when she makes a nasty comment but am finding it harder to hold my tongue, then we really get into it. I don't want this kind of relationship. I fight ending my life on a daily basis and don't know how much longer i can go on. I go to therapy when i can afford it but my only real friend just died and i have no one left to talk to. I am already supposed to have called her this morning, "God forbid she call me" I need some help emotionally today. and every other day. Mom is still capabable of living on her own at 90 but i try to go up twice a week even though she lives with my sister. their relationship has hit rock bottom. We used to adore her, now it seems to be all hate and tolerate.
21 Answers
Popular Questions
Related Questions
- How do I cope with caring for a mother that is going to outlive me because of the stress she puts on me?
- How do I deal with my mother’s memory lapses and her feelings of persecution and neglect while doing what I need to take care of me?
- How do I walk away emotionally and physically from the stress of caregiving for my controlling dad?
- How do I deal with a toxic mother with dementia without the overwhelming feeling of guilt?
If you used to adore your mother and now she has become mean and nasty, that probably means that something in her physiology has changed. Does it help at all to know that she may be doing this deliberately? Personality change can be a sign of dementia or other disease. Has she had a thorough exam lately? Knowing what causes this behavior won't make it go away, but it does help some people to take it less personally and to distance themselves from it.
Perhaps it would help if you gave yourself a little respite -- a vacation from Mom. You say that she can take care of herself. Why don't you tell her that you are feeling very sad about the death of your friend and you need some time by yourself. You'll call next week. She might be mad, but what else is new?
While you are taking time off from Mom, don't isolate yourself. Walk around in a mall. Talk to other friends. Email someone you haven't contacted in a while. You deserve time to yourself, but you don't necessarily need to spend it alone.
Come here and vent or chat each day, or more than once a day. It can help to know that others are having similar experiences.
Look up and copy down the suicide prevention line or the crisis center helpline in your community. Place it in several handy places. If you feel you are fighting to not end your life, CALL one of those numbers, so you won't have to fight alone.
Take good care of you. You are a worthy, unique individual. No one can take your place on this earth. The mother you adored, the mother you had before disability took her true self from you, would want you to have a happy life. Take care of yourself. Call upon whatever resources you need to do that. You deserve it!
The suggestions from jeannegibbs are wonderful and I hope you will follow them. Remember that you did not make your mother the way she is. You can't control her narcissism. Nor can you fix it. All you can do is to pick a healthier path for yourself regardless of what she does or does not do and that includes your sister too.
Places to drop off/meet for an hour or two: a park, restaurant, someone's home (trading off every week or two). You can have lunch, two adults could stay with the elderly, while the other two take off for a few hours. You could trade co-op hours like we did when our kids were young. That was going to be my next try if mom's rehab/conv hospital didn't work out, and I was planning to go to the Senior Center to obtain names. Mom would never go to the Senior Center where "all the old looking folks lived", but now that she is amongst "them" at a Conv/Rehab she is seemingly doing much better. Have any of you heard of the co-op idea, and has it worked? I was beginning to get desperate and entertained the idea for awhile and was just wondering if it was do-able.
I moved from California where I had lived for nearly 30 years back to the midwest to look after her and left everything familiar and friends I could 'let down my hair with', and have made no real frilends since I have been back here so I have no one to talk to either (that is why I am here...) I have been coping because I am in reality a very eccentric person and rather than let the average midwestern personality take over, I magnify all my eccentricities and fly them all like a banner, just to maintain my individuality. I 'tune out' my mother as often as I can, and spend a lot of time in the basement doing my hobbies that I put on the shelf for several years. More than that I really cannot tell you right now, it is one day at a time and I take every opportunity possible to even just "tune into myself" and keep myself separate from my mother's absorbing ways. There is another blog on this site that is "I love my mother but I don't like her", bring that up and do some interesting reading - you are not the only one. It is no shame to admit you do not like your mother. You can chose your friends, you can't chose your family.
Lately, I just want to throw in the towel. But there is no place to throw it, unless you can just turn your back on a loved one....which I cannot.
So, I play the Polyanna "happy game" and try to find one thing in my day to celebrate. I take breaks when I can and return to the interests I had BC (before caregiving).
My biggest fear now is giving all this time and energy to caregiving when I need to be thinking about how I want my future to look. I told my Mom one day, when she was feeling sorry for herself, "I won't have a 'me' to look after ME when I am in your shoes."
Ya' just gotta take care of yourself, protect your physical and mental health, and do just enough to ensure that your family member is safe and clean. How much you want to give after that is up to you.
Unless you have experienced the debilitating effects of clinical depression, you really can't grasp what a huge benefit the right antidepressant can be. It is not a happy pill. When it works right it just makes you feel more like yourself, instead of that some gloomy stranger you don't even like has invaded your body. Taking walks is absoutely excellent advice for someone with depression. Any regular exercise is beneficial. But when you are feeling that life isn't worth living it is hard to convince yourself that taking a walk would be worth doing. If you have a partner or caregiver who is part of your therapy she or he may be able to coax you on a walk, but if you don't have that support, or if the person you are living with is part of the problem, it is not realistic to say "take a walk or get a pet and you'll snap out of it." Sometimes getting the right medication (and often trial-and-error is needed to find the right one) can at least put you in the frame of mind to think, "I matter. I'm going to take a walk for my health." Sometimes it is best or necessary that the drug treatment come first, and then talk therapy and life style changes have a realistic chance of being effective.
AJ, I encourage you to continue with your prescribed medications as directed. If they don't seem to be helping enough, they might need to be adjusted or changed. Please talk to your doctor. Take a little or a long vacation from Mom. Get back with your therapist. If you don't have insurance, talk to the accounting office to see if there are any financial programs you would qualify for. You are a valuable individual and you are worthy of effort to restore and protect your health. Exercise and eating right are very beneficial for depression, as your therapist no doubt has told you. Do what you can along those lines. You are worthy of good care! Keep the crisis hotline number handy, and carry it in your purse or pocket. Do not hesitate to call it if you have thoughts of ending your life.
Know that you can feel better, and that you deserve to feel better. Hang in there, AJ!
Wishing you all the BEST!!!
-- Ed
If Star went to work, her mother would call the police and report her for elder abuse, abandonment, or even show up at her place of employment. She would take a taxi, come disheveled and make a scene.
she was perfectly able to take care of herself. She did not want to be alone. Star had 2 sons in college. As dementia set in and incontinence became a problem, Star, with alot of support, encouragement and courage, moved her mother into assisted living. Once she was there, it was realized within a few months she needed a locked unit. she had personality disorder, start of dementia and would cause terrible problems for Star by going to the house everyday.
Star moved, as she lost her house. She was just starting to live her life, free of her mother. She was away from her mother less than a year when she discovered that she had Stage 4 lung cancer with mets to the brain and bone.
I share this story with you for a purpose. There was a study that the Alzheimer's organization did, that showed that 50 % of family care givers taking care of someone with dementia dies before the person that actually has the disease.
Well, that is just one disease. I am sure that if they did a study on someone that provides care for a narcissist they would find the stats to be even higher.
Narcissists do not have feelings for anyone but themselves. They do not care if you are sick, or hurt or anything else. It is all about them. If our sister and you were smart, you would place her in a nursing home and visit only when you have to. There is a group that has narcissistic mothers on yahoo. It will help you so much. I hop you will check it out.
csosadandangry
How about dropping her as a subject of discussion when you are out with friends? Come here to vent, where other people understand what you are dealing with, and truly get away from her when you are with friends.
Or do you mean you'd like more alone time in your own home?
And you brought her to live with you because ... ?? Lol, I think many of us act first and think later when it comes to these kinds of decisions.
Does she ask you about the details of your life because she doesn't have one of her own, and she is living through you vicariously? If that is it, and she isn't being controlling, would it be burdensome to give her some details? "Oh, mom, I had the most fabulous chicken dish, baked in cream and seasoned with blah, blah, blah." or "What a day we had at work! First the copier broke right before the big meeting and blah blah blah." When you don't feel like sharing, who called was "a friend" or "it was business." You don't know when you'll be back, but you'll peek in on her and make sure she is sleeping comfortably.
You can set the boundaries here. You decide how much and how often you want to share of your personal life. You decide when you are going out with friends. You decide how much time you want to spend alone in your hobby area or your room and how much you want to spend with Mom. You volunteered to share your house but you don't need to volunteer to be a victim.