Dad (85) diagnosed with dementia a year ago, Mom (84) irrational and has a history of nervous break downs. My sisters and I are trying our best to help our parents with this new transition. Since my dads diagnosis of dementia (not sure Alzheimer's or if there is a difference?) and very new hospitalization for heart related issue (chf and afib) he has become very depressed and having a lot of issues doing daily activities. He also seems very depressed since he was hospitalized for a week and his dementia seems worse. We are in and out of drs and really my mom is not a lot of help because she is very confused (thinking she has dementia) as she has a history of mental breakdowns and very selfish. We are trying to keep up with everything they both need (because my mom is just as needed). We were so used to my dad being the competant one and holding the fort of normalcy, and now he is the one that needs significant help. They don't want to leave their home and my mom won't sign any withdrawal request on their reverse mortgage to get them the help they need. So it is up to us to figure this out? Our mom is very disrespectful always the victim. We can't reason with her. Impossible! But yet she expects us to deal with everything in her life and my dads.. We are torn :(
if your mom is to stay in her home she may as well get used to compensating some help . its still a fraction of the cost of placement .
They could qualify to have help brought into the home, but with your dad's serious medical conditions and dementia, that's going to become a full time job. There are the medical issues, medication administration, diet, hygiene, and the natural progression of the dementia. Often patients become uncooperative or unable to bath, dress or even eat alone. And if your mom is very emotionally fragile, she is not likely to be a good candidate to be in that environment or share in the care giving. She will need it herself.
Do you have Power of Attorney or health care POA? If you mom won't listen to reason, and your dad needs care he can't provide, then you may have to ask the court to be appointed his guardian so you will have the legal authority to make the decisions for him. Warning though. It's a huge responsibility and takes a lot of time, energy and effort. Even if he is placed in a Memory Care facility or nursing home, there is still much to do as a POA. But, at least, you wouldn't have to worry constantly that he's at home and in need of help.
I don't know how much your mom knows about dementia, but she may not realize just how disabling it can be. That can happen slowly or in steps.
Consider that mom & dad might need different kinds of care at the same time, and what is best for them individually may not be doable together in the same residence. It is just something to keep on the table when the familiy is discussing options. This is hard for a lot of adult children to understand or accept. The goal of "keeping mom & dad together at all costs" probably has to be re-evaluated and prioritized with what keeps dad safe & mom stable.
I'm the adult child of a borderline, hystrionic narcissist, and being reasonable is not in the cards there. I wish you all the best as you find your way down this path.
Be prepared for difficult decisions, having to choose among options that nobody likes or prefers and for a lot of stress. If the family can not break off into camps "for" and "against" choices, it will make everything SO much easier.
Check back in and let us know what's going on! A lot of us have been there and can answer questions.
It might be better to sell the house now, repay the mortgage and interest, and use whatever equity is left for your parents to be in some type of continuing care facility.
As for your Mom, sounds like she is scared since you said it was your Dad who was the "competent one and holding the fort of normalcy". Your Mom probably doesn't know what to do.
Since your parents don't want to leave their home, either your sisters will need to become your parents Caregivers or you will need to hire outside help. Eventually you will need 3 separate 8 hour shifts, and shifts for the weekends. Will your parents pay for that outside help? I know sometimes it is tough to get one's parents to open their wallet for such expenses. My parents are that way.