Dad died and mom still living at home. Any advice?

More information is needed. Is she capable of taking care of herself ? What exactly are you doing for her ? Can she bathe and toilet herself , make her own meals ? Is she safe to be alone ? Is she confused , have Dementia ? Does she walk ?

Why on earth did you move in a person who hates you and tell her she's welcome to stay forever?? At the expense of your own family's peace?

Get mother out of your house at once and back into her own home where she belongs. Agreeing to be abused in your own home is unimaginable to me. You're not going to change a 90 year old woman's behavior at all, so protect yourself by admitting your mistake in inviting her to live with you in the first place. If she requires help, get it set up for her in house on her credit card. Also tell her to call 911 the next time she's having a panic episode.

My condolences on the loss of your father.

Best of luck

Hi, yes she is mobile, independent, and drives.
She is sharp as a tack.
Her BP was extremely high so we went to get her a few weeks ago. I work in an academic medical center and got her an appointment with a wonderful cardiologist. Her followup appointment is this week. She did go home after that incident, but then she had a tooth crisis. We went to get her. Then I noticed she was a bit off. She got her bloodwork for this followup, and I saw that in 9 days her values were off. She was super dehydrated. She stopped the heavy duty diuretic and she is back to her normal self. I understand that was super scary for her. I am all she has. She lives 3 hours away. We do run when she calls. I like her being with us so that I know that she is ok. I worry. I don't want her alone in that enormous house. (She does keep it beautiful and immaculate) Her family is me, my husband, our kids, their spouses, and grandkids. We all want her here. I just don't know why she hates me so much when she needs me.
I made turnip today. I did because she loves it. She told me that she doesn't eat that crap. OK, no big deal but she wouldn't let it go. She made me respond. I asked her what the big deal was about turnip and she went to bed. I would never make her eat something that she didn't like or want.

Sorry for your loss.

If she hates you why in the world are you bending over backwards for her, dropping everything to run and get her when she's in a panic, tolerating dirty looks in your own home, etc?

To make this stop, you need to set boundaries. You're right - your family deserves peace. Letting her into your home and saying she can stay forever will NEVER bring your family peace. So, get her needs met in some other way. Whatever she needs, you can help her hire the help that will will that need and you can no longer tolerate this nonsense.

I’m a bit confused by your post. She was living independently in her home, correct?

You say that she is now with you for a week. Is this a temporary visit or has she moved in permanently because you say that she knows that she is welcome to live in your home?

You say that she hates you. You must have a heart of gold to invite her into your home knowing that she hates you. That’s too much aggravation to be dealing with. No one will benefit from this arrangement.

What are her health concerns? Does she have any cognitive issues?

I didn’t recognize early symptoms of dementia development in my mom. Specific tests are needed to determine if dementia is present.

If she shouldn’t be living alone, due to her panic attacks or other matters, you don’t have to allow her to live with you and your husband.

Please look into her finding the help that she needs from elsewhere, such as an assisted living facility or a skilled nursing facility. You can visit her as her daughter again and won’t have the responsibility of being the hands on caregiver.

So sorry for the loss of your siblings.

Wishing you all the best.

Your post is very confusing to say the least. Your mom hates you, but you drop everything to go get her when she's in panic mode and she's welcome to come live with you forever, which she has been now for a little while, but you want peace for you and your family.
Oh lord, I'm exhausted just typing all that out. Do you not see how utterly crazy what you wrote is?
You will never have peace as long as you keep allowing your mom to call the shots. You must stop being at her beck and call. Your immediate family deserves so much better.
So next time she calls in a panic, tell her that you're busy right now, but when you have time in a few days, if things haven't gotten better you will swing by to check on her. Or better yet, just don't answer the phone when she calls. If it's a true emergency she can call 911.
And if she is no longer to live on her own, start looking into assisted living facilities or the like for her.
DO NOT under any circumstances let her move in with you permanently. You will live to regret that decision for sure.
And please get some therapy for yourself to better understand why you are so willing to put up with a woman who hates you, and why you feel the need to bend over backwards for her.
What you're describing is pure madness, and it must stop. So put on your big girl panties and do what's necessary to make things better for you and your immediate family(husband and children, not mom.)

I'm sorry your father passed. I'm sure that was traumatic for you and her.

However, you are not helping her or yourself by being on-call and dropping everything to go to her aid. You are enabling entitlement behavior. Worse, since you have children, you are showing them that it is okay to be entitled.

If she truly hates you, she probably hates you more because she is dependent upon you. If she doesn't hate you, you are probably misinterpreting what she desires from you.

Regardless, you need to teach her how to become independent again. In her grief, she may have forgotten or just lack the self confidence to be independent.

The next time she calls you for something talk her through it (don't go to her and don't offer her a place to stay). Talk to her to the point where she decides whether she needs to call an ambulance or call Uber or drive or do nothing.

If she is having a panic attack, stay on the phone and talk to her. You can talk to her about the weather, what she ate the previous day, what she was planning on doing the following day, what triggered the panic attack...anything to get her mind into a different mindset so that her brain is redirected. You might be able to do some mindfulness exercises with her to get out of the panic attack.

Don't offer up your home unless her home is unsafe. If she is worried about burglars, ask her if she wants to put in a security system. If she asks to come to your house, ask her why she wants to come. Force her to verbalize her fears. That will provide insight to her and well as you, as to what her fears and living conditions really are. Sometimes, just putting a name to the emotion will reduce the intensity. If something needs to be changed, help her make the plan that leads to the change. Don't be insistent on the implementation of the plan. Sometimes just having the plan is good enough to make the fear fade to background noise.

Get out that that "she needs me" mindset. You are not her slave and in addition, you are putting her above yourself, your husband and your kids.

Help her get her independence back by teaching her how to live independently. Get your peace back by forcing her to become independent again....just like you probably did with your own children.

Oops-you have let her know that she’s welcome to move in and stay forever? How did that happen?

You’d better recant right away. Big mistake. Stop catering to her demands and go hide someplace. That is a sure recipe for disaster!

Why do you feel the need to cater to a mother who hates you? You don’t have to be the ‘good girl’ anymore.

Ugh!!! Another misguided, blinded, confused and abused adult child who craves mother's approval and love both of which will never ever be granted in this life time.

itsuptome - your mother is a hateful, spiteful, self absorbed, and abusive ingrate. She will never change. So, to answer your question "Any suggestions to make this stop?", yes you can make it stop by not inviting her to your home, not ever moving her in, keeping a distance from her, having as little contact as possible.

You keep inviting a snake into your home, then wonder why you keep getting bitten. You then ask how to make the snake stop. Keep the snake away from you and your family. That's how.

Despite everyone's advice to not cater to your hateful mother, and not move her in. I bet you won't listen. You haven't had enough abuse yet, and you will keep trying to get her non-existent approval and love. After you move her in, she will tear your family apart, and ruin your marriage, then at which point you will ask "How do I move her out?"

What does your H think about her moving in permanently?

Dropping everything and running to her 3 hours away has got to be exhausting. Besides your being the only family left for her, the 3 hour travel time must be weighing on you. You worry when she is 3 hours away.

HOW does she keep up her large home immaculately? Does she mow the lawn? Do the maintenance work?

I am confused. What do you want?

Stop doing everything for her. You made her favorite food and she rejected it. Your Mom is a B***h and at 90 that is not going to change. You will never know why she dislikes you, she may not know.

My suggestion is, she does not need the expense of a big house. She probably could afford a nice Assisted Living. She would get her meals and have some socialization. You could move her closer but even then you have to set boundries. What you will and won't do.

Believe me, you are not the only one that is seeking some affirmation from a parent. If you read the posts on site you will find many. Being a good daughter does not always help. In some peoples eyes it is a weakness. Standing up for yourself may make Mom look at you differently. Maybe if you told Mom "Sorry, I can't pick u up" a few times she would go for the AL thing.

The water pill. Have Moms Potassium levels checked. My Dad went into a depression because of low potassium levels caused by water pills. Once his levels were brought up, he was back to normal. Even though Mom seems better after stopping them her levels could still be low. The Cardiologist can have labs run.

Your Mom sounds like a controlling mother with a psychological problem like mine was .She had chronic depression and , narcissism . She kept the house immaculate too . The calling you up in a panic is for attention . My mother did that after my fathers death as well . If she was independent, she would call 911 instead of waiting 3 hours for you to come . Sounds to me like besides the possible psych issues she has dementia. She keeps the house immaculate to hide the fact that she’s struggling in other ways . My mother did the same . Example, her calling with her emergencies to have you come is because she is scared being alone and can’t figure out what to do when something goes wrong . She needs to be tested for dementia . Her nastiness is also a defense mechanism to hide the dementia. I’ve already watched my mother star in this movie. Perhaps she could do OK in an independent living community if she’s willing to check them out and then go to assisted living. Or maybe needs assisted living already . You can’t take care of her. Her personality disorder will take over big time and she will be nasty to you and not do as you ask her to do . She will take over your home , ruin your family life . Mom has no filter anymore in her brain . That is what the geriatrician told me about my own mother . If you can’t persuade your mother to get tested and to move , You have a long road ahead. APS can be called to check on her but she may have to get worse before they can remove her from the home . If mom won’t go look at assisted living facilities near you with you , go by yourself . Have one picked out . I did that . When Mom ended up in the hospital I had her tested there and they determined she could not live alone . She went to the assisted living that I had picked out . Luckily they had a room available . Social worker had been to the house 2 weeks prior to the hospitalization . We were getting things set up to have her removed from the home by APS because in speaking with mom , it was clear she did not know what to do in emergencies . My siblings thought because the house was clean and there was food that I was providing that they would not take Mom out of the house . But the social worker from APS talked to mom and agreed with me that Mom was “ out there”. Mom ended up in the hospital before social worker returned to remove her from the house . She got discharged from the hospital to assisted living . If your mother won’t agree to testing , then the next time you take her to the ER . try to get her admitted . Tell them you don’t think she can live alone . She calls you all the time because she can’t figure out what to do on her own in an emergency . Get her tested there for dementia , and get her placed somewhere. My siblings thought my Mom was just upset and grieving . She was scared because she didn’t have my Dad looking after her . The two of them were doing a good job of hiding the fact that mY mother was struggling cognitively . After Dad passed , mom had a harder time hiding her dementia . It’s common . I hope someone has access to her bank accounts and POA to pay her bill and sell the house.
Everyones dementia is different . Just because she seems sharp as a tack doesn’t mean she is. My mother fooled people . Even when she was in moderate she never forgot anyones name .

Condolences on passing of your father. where was mother living before? In her own home? She can go back there or can she go to Assisted Living facility? Did she depend on your father for everything before? Don’t be his replacement. You won’t be able to get her to go home the longer she stays. What are her health concerns? What exactly does she need help with? Can you hire someone to help her in her own home a few times a week? Better the house immaculate than a hoarding house!

Why would you welcome someone to stay forever in your home who has always hated you?

You can't control her actions or reactions. Maybe rethink welcoming her into your home. Maybe discuss other living arrangements and options with her.

Choose to give your family the peace they and you deserve.

Start with drawing the line. Just one time, let that call go to voicemail. Decide to plan an exit and rehearse your statement. There is a life after all this, you must claim it.

I think You are being a good Daughter ,and Christian. We need to forgive! My Mom's 3 year Death anniversary, is tomorrow. Our Mom's Never really Hate us! We might feel as so. They have bitterness, and unresolved issues they had in life. I Know My Mom did! I forgave her, and just told her when she said things that hurt me, I would say, that was hurtful. But I forgive You! My Mom needed Me! And I needed Her Too! As dysfunctional as it might have been, I have NO Regrets! Just Love and Forgiveness!

I’m so sorry for the passing of your father. My father died in 2020 and my mother has always used him as a scapegoat. I somehow have replaced that role and I’ve been the scapegoat every since. I tried to have my mother live with me, I finally put my foot down and said I’m not driving you everywhere while you treat me like garbage. My mother will never change and she enjoys the family go against each other. She enjoys the drama so she can get attention. I served as my mother’s therapist and emotional support since I’ve been 7 years old. It really is nuts! If I didn’t get her out of my house, she would have destroyed my child’s well being and my marriage. It will all come crashing down and she’ll be in assisted lives while the nursing home takes her money. I warned her and now it’s all up to her. Stay strong.

Do NOT get sucked in. You will end up hating every moment of your life and simply longing for escape.

I recommend getting your mother into a facility as her next stop. You did not post her health and medical conditions, but her behavior is no excuse to abuse you. Your family and yourself deserve much peace.

My therapist would always say to me, the child inside of you doesn’t know how to drive. Your present self is in charge.

I understand and have been through it in past and back in it again but mom is relocated in a nearby assisted living facility which is best for her and my own mental emotional health. I am her comprehensive care manager and acompany her to every doctor visit keeping all in network with her insurances. That's the best job for adult children and must let her pay for her own group home setting to keep her and you truly secure. I have to remind myself everyday that 65% of caregivers die before (because of) the elder care recipient. if we let our family stress give us a heart attack, that is not good for mom's longer term care management needs. I have to tell myself no every day to my codependency. I know that my best care is not allowing my other siblings or mother to abuse me. I am trained pro ltc ins agent retired, but I have a tender heart. Fact: care can kill caregivers who don't get safe home space themselves. God bless us all as we travel this Lenten road and thanks for all strong healthy boundaries advice! I'm alot like you and I am blessed reading the comments: " don't let her live with you" if there's negativity at all. Results - fact: My mom is now really happier with many more peer friends and caregivers staff + helpers to interact with at assisted living. Choose an alf nearby in her budget. Call and set free tour and assessments scheduled this week - explain a fun girls day out for healthy lifestyles and it's a nice free lunch and learn! You write her budget to get moved on a balanced budget and set you both free in love. Mom need companionship and not ours but trained staff and a hundred or even 6 new housemates to target her attention.

Itisuptome, I feel for you. My mother is at the other end of the narcissistic spectrum (enmeshed) but the codependency, boundary violations and damage to sense of self/identity are similar. I hope you are able to find some peace as you navigate this very difficult situation. To everyone expressing disbelief or even anger (which by the way is the treatment she already receives from her mother), this is a complex issue. If it were as simple as you suggest, the psychiatrists who have studied it for hundreds of years would have come up with a solution by now.

Maybe try having a straight up adult to adult conversation with her. Tell her it's an adult to adult conversation.
Ask her outright if she hates you.Tell her how your feeling.
Use the turnip example...she loves turnips but wouldn't eat your crap.
Is that how she has been all your life or is it sudden onset. If sudden, then she might be dementing due to the personality changing.
Tell her that she ll need some supports as you can't feasibly respond to every perceived crisis.
Ask her how she's feeling.
But try not to pander to her.
Family dynamics in these situations sound horrific. There are a million issues at play ranging from guilt trips to anger, loss, sadness, sheer fatigue and frustration, obligation, with all the practical beaurocratic stuff on top.

Very hard. You ll be damned if you do and damned if not. The elderly are possibly regarded as too fragile to be treated like adults, but end of day, they are adults ....well...all adults are really just kids in big bodies.

But seems to me the elderly parent can use so many manipulative behaviours to induce guilt. And that is not your fault.
Your doing well but stick to your boundaries and don't take on all the responsibility if it's affecting you, without saying something.

If she is able to live alone in her own home, take her back to her own home. You do not need to be the answer to every problem or panic. If she has real emergencies, she can call the police or fire dept. or 911. If she is having panic attacks, she needs to discuss those with her doctor. If she needs rides, she will have to hire a cab or an Uber. If she has too many needs, maybe she can no longer live alone.

You are very kind to take your mother in. However, she is not being kind to you. I truly believe in quality of life for everyone, and that includes you and your husband. I think your mom should be in a senior community. She would have people to socialize with and will receive assistance if it is needed. Offer her three choices; go back home and maybe have a personal care company in the home for a few hours a week, stay with you providing she change her attitude, or go to a senior community. I’m assuming she does not have dementia and knows what she is doing.

Give some credence to what your husband is telling to, and examine it through his eyes.

Let mom do mom in her home. She can call 911 and let them with panic attacks. Do NOT ask her to move in. It’s difficult under the very best circumstances. You do not have the very best circumstances.

Why do you do 'anything that she needs' when she treats you like this?
If this is nothing new ... why have you allowed her to treat you like this ?
She will (possibly) only stop when you change your behavior towards her.
If you want her behavior to shift, you need to change yours.
And, if she has dementia, she may not change although I've had clients [w dementia] who DO change because they want the care I provide. They are not stupid. They sense what is going on and how to get their needs met.
You need to set boundaries with her and personal boundaries for your self. When you set boundaries for yourself, you are telling yourself "I respect and value myself... I deserve better..."

Somehow over the years, if not decades, you have internalized that it is 'okay' for her to treat you as she did / does. It is not okay. My suggestions are for you to:

1) talk to your husband and role play (setting boundaries with her).
First, discuss w your husband how you value yourself and why you put up with her behavior towards you. If you realize you do not value yourself, brainstorm with him how you can (behave differently towards your mom) to create this value (self esteem / self worth).

2) Find out her medical diagnosis so you know what you are dealing with (i.e., brain chemistry, impulse behavior. Medication needs.

3) Get into therapy for yourself to learn to value yourself. This 'nonsense' goes on because you allow it. I understand decades long behaviors between a daughter and mother are complicated. Still. It is time you step back and actually understand your own behavior / reactions towards her.

4) Are the very least, if she reacts with anger, 'hatred" ("she hates me"), step back and "say, I want to be treated with respect. .... Calm down Mom ... Talk to me nicely, please." Then walk away (for a short time). If she has the cognitive ability to comprehend / understand what you are saying, she will change. If she wants her needs met, if she can cognitively do it, she will.

* It is possible to set boundaries and tell her how you want to be treated with compassion for her - and yourself. First, you need to know and feel that you deserve it. As is said "we teach people how to treat us."

* Be compassionate towards yourself. These issues / relationship structures are deep. A child wants her mother to love her. This could be internalized by a child "I will do anything for you ... to love me." In therapy, you can get in touch with that child inside you. She is still there ... running the show ... running your life. She needs you (the adult 'you) now to say "I respect you and I love you."

Gena / Touch Matters