His POA, Will, etc. and is listing her 100% beneficiary on all financial investments, bank accounts etc. She is spending 1000.00's of dollars on herself. He keeps saying he wants to assign me executor but I think she talks him out of it. I just want there to be money left for him to be able to take care of himself down the road, he is not in good shape right now and its going to get worse. Can't talk to him about it because he gets mad so we don't discuss it, he's 80 she's 58 and married to someone else. Just need some advice. Thanks
Make up some excuses like the bank accounts have been compromised and new accounts need to be made.... and that the beneficiary needs to be a relative... say whatever you think Dad would believe. It's called a "therapeutic lie" which many of us have to use when an elder. I had to use a therapeutic lie on my Dad to get him to update his Power of Attorney which was older then dirt.
Curious, how is this girlfriend getting into your Dad's accounts if she is only listed as a beneficiary.... "beneficiary" gets the money upon the person's death. Is she allowed to sign your Dad's checks? If yes, hopefully the checks aren't listed as "John Jones or Girlfriend Smith" [yes, the "or" is part of the imprint]. Or is your Dad paying her bills where she uses her own credit card?
Sometimes one would need to use tough love in times like this. Tell Dad you found his bank statement on his desk and it looks like he is down $5k or whatever is a good shock effect. "Dad, I think someone stealing from your bank account." "If this keeps up, Dad, we will need to cancel the TV cable service", and whatever else you think is very important to your Dad. "Sell the car", etc.
My Dad was the opposite, he would hold onto a dime for dear life. But Dad was under the impression that Social Security was paying for his agency caregivers. What a shock when he found out "no", it came from his own pocket. Then he went into a money panic mode.
It may be too late as far as how much money is already gone and how much is left, but I would see a lawyer now and see how you can stop this gold digger. You need a court ruling for an emergency guardianship for your dad which you can get if you dad's doctor thinks he's incompetent. Have you told his doctor about this woman and her spending his money and being on his accounts? If not take him back to his doctor tor an up to date evaluation so the doctor can write a letter about him being incompetent and please tell the doctor about your dad before the appointment.
Use the "therapeutic fib" that the checks and credit cards have been compromised so you will need to take him to the bank to set up new accounts. Make an excuse that someone unrelated to him cannot be imprinted on the checks. Then call the credit card company [if you can find the credit card number, look for Statements] to say a credit card is missing, close out the old one and sent up a new account.
Does Dad have a current Will? If not, here's another therapeutic fib to use, tell him without a Will that the State could take half his money and estate.... it worked on my Dad and he had me set up an appointment with an Elder Law Attorney. Also, while at the Attorney, the Attorney will recommend doing a Power of Attorney, so since you are there, have your Dad name you.
If Dad wants to take his girlfriend to the attorney office, again use a therapeutic fib and say no one not related cannot sit in on the meeting.
You are right to be concerned about his finances, because you naturally want him to be able to take care of his needs into the future, and now that he has dementia he may need some help arranging that.
But don't worry about who the beneficiary is for anything. That has nothing to do with money while he is living.
I suggest you and Dad consult an attorney who specializes in Elder Law, to get his affairs in order to his best advantage. If he wants to continue to allow his companion to spend his money he should know what impact that might have on Medicaid if he should need that. A lawyer is an objective third party and may be listened to more seriously than to his adult child. If you intend to continue to be caregiver, a lawyer can also set up an agreement so that you can be paid for that service.
Dad is doing what he wants to do, and he has been doing it for a long while in his "right mind." The how and why is nobody's business.
Alwayshelping, you mention beneficiary and executor. Both of these are about what happens after Dad dies. So that is a concern about what you will inherit. I suggest you focus you assistance on ensuring he has enough money while he is alive.