Sorry to ask more questions. It's just that I'm so unsure of what to do or what my brother is up to.
So I mentioned a few days ago that my 98 yr old dad fell and went from the hospital into rehab/al. He was very, very angry and yelling, throwing things and just plain abusive. Now he seems to have a good day and a bad day. In that order. Tonight my daughter went with us to see him. He was doing rather well and in a very pleasant mood. When he speaks, he seems to have all his ducks in a row to someone who doesn't know him. But we can still see & hear his incompetence. He can tell me the same stories over and over and I do listen and react to them. He can talk to us but he's always missing words and sometimes just stops what he's saying because he just can't find the words. He doesn't see the danger is the things he wants to do and insists there's nothing medically wrong with him.
Now I did find out that my brother (living in NJ) has been telling him what to do and say. And when I get to my dad after my brother has called, he will yell and make accusations and just get really confused.
My brother has also convinced the social worker there that I'm evil and not to speak to me. She has never returned any of my calls. She told the nurses to tell me he is being release on Tuesday. She's also told my brother that I told her there was food all over the floor in dads house. NOT TRUE. I just received a call today from the administrator telling me she needed to see me to discuss my dads issues and when he can be released. My appointment is for Wednesday??? Kind of strange that I'm getting two different release dates?
My dad's house was in super bad shape and filthy. I'm cleaning it and putting in a new kitchen and bathrooms. Plus whatever else to make it a nice home for him. I'm giving one more chance at home by himself. If he falls, that's it. I cannot have him stay with me because of my brother and the nasty things (lies) he tells my dad about me. The stress would put me in AL.
I did the right thing and called my brother and explained what was actually going on and said that many have suggested dad no longer drive. As well as both of my daughters. My brother said he had to talk to my dad before giving me an answer. Also said he doesn't see anything wrong with my dad's mental capabilities. All of the nurses in his AL say the same thing.
Am I overreacting to all of this? Can you have dementia and live alone?
I feel like I made it all up and my dad is doing fine.
He also needs insulin shots daily. He never had those before.
Can my brother have new dpoa papers drawn up in NJ and mail them to my dad to sign here in FL? My dad doesn't want to live in NJ.
I'm ready to move to Alaska. At least it would be quiet with no drama.
I am going to put your brother out of the picture for now, to answer your question about your dad.
I truly don’t think a 98 year old man with his health concerns should ever live alone again. It’s just a matter of time before the next crisis if he goes home, so why take that chance? It’s sad, but his days of independence are over.
If you want to fix the house, do it and contact a realtor to put a ‘for sale’ sign out front.
Best wishes to you and your family.
I'm not an only child. I'm 63 and I have an older brother who's 72. He's always lived in NJ. Was never really interested in our parents. Would vaca in Orlando with his family and tell my parents to meet him somewhere over there for a night or two. That's it. We live on the west coast in FL. I've always been the "helper" for both my parents and my dad's parents and my mom's mom. My mom was a very sweet woman and I miss her very much. She had a hoarding problem and I spent many months cleaning out their home to no avail. She passed about 6 1/2 yrs ago at 89 1/2. Was very ill beforehand and my brother never came to see her. Well, I didn't know that my brother was getting my dad to empty her bank account and have her put in a NH permanently. I managed to get 1/2 of her money back (not much to speak of) and take care of her at home until she passed. My dad is currently 98, has dementia and is extremely weak. He fell about 10 days ago and wind up in the hospital. He had a UTI that was sepsis. He is now in AL. I found a really nice place with a 5 star rating. He was fine up until tonight. I had to take his drivers license, ss card & debit card. He has always been mean, narcissistic, always arguing and in control and never lets you get a word in edge wise!!! I mean it took me many yrs to overcome all the yelling and verbal abuse from him. Not to mention how horrible he treated my mom. My mom made sure my name was on HER house and I was her DPOA. So my dad made me his DPOA too. I was never able to clean the house after my mom passed. He would always say he takes care of everything just fine. Since his fall, I seen exactly how he was living. It is really bad. I've been cleaning and throwing all the mess out in case he's able to go back home. I walked into his room tonight and he was in a super bad mood. Yelling to the top of his lungs and accusing me of wanting him dead, stealing all his money in the bank, and keeping him locked up in there!!!! I couldn't believe it. I don't know if it's the dementia making him like this again or just him? All I have done is try to help him the past 6 1/2 yrs. My hubby and I would take him out to eat 3 times a week in the best restaurants until covid hit. I gave up my granddaughters to take care of him! My daughter lives in the same subdivision and I rarely see them because I have to put my dad first. And yes, I have to, he demands it. So tonight was a big shocker for me. He even accused me of abusing my mom! I have been crying since 6p.m. I know for sure I cannot have him stay with me if he gets strong enough to walk again. I have no idea what to do. I know for sure I can't go through that all the time. I would be dead and he would just find someone else to yell at! I do know how you feel at 40 as well. I'm still waiting for things to get better.....
Just to note, you don't HAVE TO do stuff that your dad demands. You can resign your POA and tell him to pound sand if you like.
When you say "my brother got the social worker to ..." do you think that your brother is manipulating the staff? How, and on what authority would he do that?
Call the rehab on Monday and speak to the Director of Nursing. Ask IF there is a discharge plan and who is arranging for home care for your father. Because you are not the plan.
Stop catering to your abusive father's demands. Tell rehab he needs to be seen by a geriatric psychiatrist for agitation. Consider allowing him to become a ward of the state.
In certain areas here, people snap up older houses quickly. They tear them down and build on the lot. These empty lots sell for several hundreds of dollars. It’s all about location! If her dad is in a great location there is no need to fix up the house. It will be torn down anyway.
The trend if ‘staging’ houses for a sale is over too. People want to put their own stamp on homes to make it their own. I have spoken at length recently to our real estate agent because we are going to sell our large home and downsize. We are going to do well selling because we live in a desirable area of our city. We are considering a condo or a smaller house.
Dad wants to go home from rehab? Get some real medical advice on that. Not the rehab Social Worker that wants to clear a bed.
"Tell rehab he needs to be seen by a geriatric psychiatrist for agitation". As Barb suggested below. I agree 100% plus ask for Neuro exam. At 98 with multi issues, living alone can only be done IF he is willing to & able to hire himself help.
Having OK long term memory is good but completely different to still having ALL the skills you need to live alone (ie short term memory, judgement & processing).
Or is the problem standing up to Dad?
If your dad has any negative effects from talking to your brother, you have the authority as the POA to say no contact allowed. If they violate that you can file a complaint with the state and Medicare.
I think that I would file one for violation of the POA and talking to a non POA and ignoring you. It doesn't matter what they think of you, it's none of their business and it is completely unprofessional to get involved in family bs.
Your brother...you need to take your POA to that SW and tell her your her contact. That she talks to you and not your brother who lives in a different state. Has no idea what you go thru with your Dad and all brother does is cause trouble. She is to give brother no information concerning Dad. You will do that. If she has a problem with that, you will go to her boss and if he doesn't comply then you will have a lawyer send a letter.
Yes, this is bluffing and sometimes it works. But if it doesn't follow thru with the threat.