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Is it safe to leave Mom alone for a few hours? Many people with dementia reach a point where they can no more be left alone than you would leave a 3-year-old alone. I think that is the first issue to be addressed. If Mom needs constant supervision, some arrangements need to be made so that Dad can have some very-necessary respite time.
But whether she can stay alone or someone is with her, she may still feel worried, anxious, stressed, and angry when your dad is gone. I don't think that reasoning with her is going to be very effective -- dementia robs people of their reasoning ability.
What has helped in our household is for me to put in writing where I am going. I can tell my husband where I am going. He can understand and be OK with it, but totally foget the conversation in 10 minutes. I can come home with the nice carry out lunch I ordered as a treat for us, and he'll be eating a bowl of cereal. So now I tell him where I am going and I also write it down. "At book club. Be home by 10:15. I'll bring a treat!" "At Target. Back by 3:30." If he forgets he has a reminder right in front of him. Less anxiety all around.
I used to be able to leave him for a few hours. Now I only run short errands close to home and make sure someone is with him when I need to be gone longer.
Try not to take the hostility personally. This is the disease speaking, not the mother who raised you and loves you. Assure her that Dad loves her, that he'll be home soon, that you love her, etc. and then try to change topics.
Good luck to you. Dementia is a cruel disease, not just to those who have it, but to those who love them.
oh, man. It sounds like Dad NEEDS a break from time to time. Is she fine the rest of the time, and becomes hostile ONLY when he leaves? If so, maybe she its scared and something could be done to soothe her in those times: an alert bracelet, if she falls, or a respite caregiver. If she tends to the hostile, then this behavior isn't new. How would it feel to NOT answer the phone? If it's part of a pattern you've been seeing, maybe the only thing to do is realize that it isn't personal, and you can't make her happy. And either be okay with that, or take yourself out of the line of fire by not answering the call. So unpleasant -- for everyone! Good luck.
Perhaps, trying knowing ahead of time when Dad will leave. Then, before he leaves, try calling Mom prepping her for Dad leaving. Remind her not to feel hostile when he leaves...as it may be necessary because....? Medications? Doctor's Appointments etc... there have to be good reasons for him leaving and you can use these when reasoning with her.
I have several suggestions for you: 1) My sister and I would my father for an outing on Saturdays, to the zoo and other places we knew he would enjoy then go out for lunch. Usually we were out with him for about 4-6 hours. 2) Adult day care is excellent because they provide activities, supervision, and I believe a meal. Check with your local care homes to find which ones provide this. We live in a small city and my mom took my dad to adult day care in another city (even smaller) that was 15 min.. drive. 3) Can you or another family member, close friend, church member, or a friend of your mothers come over and sit with her for a couple hours once a week to give dad a break? 4) Hire a health care worker to come over once a week. Maybe your father's insurance will cover help in the home. 5) A trusted neighbor or maybe someone your mother worked with that she has kept in touch with. I hope this helps you and your father because it is so important that he get a break if only once a week. Take care of yourself as well, it is stressful dealing with dementia. My mother is now 83 and she has it also. Keep in touch and let me know how things are going for you and your father!!
Thank you all for your responses. I've been in denial hoping that it's just a bad dream. I'll try some of your suggestions; have to put frustrations aside. We'll talk!
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
But whether she can stay alone or someone is with her, she may still feel worried, anxious, stressed, and angry when your dad is gone. I don't think that reasoning with her is going to be very effective -- dementia robs people of their reasoning ability.
What has helped in our household is for me to put in writing where I am going. I can tell my husband where I am going. He can understand and be OK with it, but totally foget the conversation in 10 minutes. I can come home with the nice carry out lunch I ordered as a treat for us, and he'll be eating a bowl of cereal. So now I tell him where I am going and I also write it down. "At book club. Be home by 10:15. I'll bring a treat!" "At Target. Back by 3:30." If he forgets he has a reminder right in front of him. Less anxiety all around.
I used to be able to leave him for a few hours. Now I only run short errands close to home and make sure someone is with him when I need to be gone longer.
Try not to take the hostility personally. This is the disease speaking, not the mother who raised you and loves you. Assure her that Dad loves her, that he'll be home soon, that you love her, etc. and then try to change topics.
Good luck to you. Dementia is a cruel disease, not just to those who have it, but to those who love them.