Hi there,
I need help figuring out how to deal with my father. Two years ago he suffered a stroke and has since been partially paralyzed on his left side. When he was at the hospital the doctors found out he had diabetes and high cholesterol. They put him on six different medications including anti depressants since he had a very hard time accepting he became disabled from the stroke and kept denying it was serious.
After he was released they put him in a center so he could undergo physiotherapy to try and recover some strength on his left side. He stayed there for three months until they released him and he came home. At first, everything seemed fine, he took his medications, did his exercises and tested his blood sugar. But eventually he started refusing to do certain things like not testing on some days or not taking one or two of the medications. We urged him not do this since it would make his recovery a lot harder and take longer but he didn't listen. We couldn't force him to do things either, he is a grown man who has the right to make decisions that affect his life.
He started not taking his diabetes seriously and went from refusing insulin shots that he had to take daily to consuming more than normal amounts of sugar. It came to the point where he took and hid away so much sugar that we started hiding and covering the sugar in inconspicuous locations. He has not taken an insulin shot in over a year or taken any of his meds. He also refuses to see his family doctor and gets quite angry when we suggest it. He continues to eat and hide food that is unhealthy and not intended for him to eat. Even if we hide it from him, he spends his free time searching everywhere when we're not home. He has stopped showering regularly and suffers from bowel movement problems. We can clearly see that his health is deteriorating yet he continues to ignore it.
The bowel problems became so bad for him he demanded to be admitted to the hospital for them twice. The second time we weren't willing to take him since he pretty much refused help after realizing they had to do certain tests so he called 911 himself... which resulted in the same situation.
It is like my father has lost a sense of common sense and has mental instability with his confusing random acts and addiction to sugar and tissue paper. My mom and my brother are stressed so much by him and having to deal with his messes. My mom, especially, since she has to work full time and has little time to spare. He won't listen to anything anyone says even if we repeat it many times, not even his doctor's word is good enough. We simply cannot deal with his lies, denials and lack of recognition for how serious this situation really is. But we can't just throw him out or put him in a nursing home. He's not 65 years old yet and nor do we have the money for that. We do not know what other options there are. My father is pretty much awaiting death and torturing his family until he passes.
We also live in Canada, any help is appreciated, thank you.
All you can do at this point is accept that this is the way it is. This would be a much easier path than fighting him on every little thing, trying to convince him that he's not taking his health seriously. He knows he's not taking it seriously and he doesn't care and unfortunately there's nothing that can be done about it.
I write this with some sadness as I can sense your deep concern and frustration and wish there were some way to overcome your father's unhealthy behavior.
I've seen it in a few other diabetic patients as well. One eventually refused dialysis, announcing that he'd had enough and was tired of it.
Compounded by the stroke, everything just may be too much for your father to handle and still try to find a decent quality of life as well.
I would still hide the sugar but wouldn't pressure him on health issues as he'll only resist. You might even try to have a heart to heart talk with him explaining your concern, and ask how he himself feels about living with his conditions.
"All you can do at this point is accept that this is the way it is. This would be a much easier path than fighting him on every little thing, trying to convince him that he's not taking his health seriously. He knows he's not taking it seriously and he doesn't care and unfortunately there's nothing that can be done about it."
Looking at what might be your father's point of view, I can identify with him. I'm 76 and have all the usual ailments. In my case, however, I take my medications religiously and all my problems are totally controlled allowing me to live a full and enjoyable life.
However, when things eventually begin to go downhill, as they invariably must as we age, I have no desire to hang on. I'll want to get out of here as soon as I can. I've stipulated that at that point all I want is palliative care, as one of the commenters suggested you get for your father. He has the right to go when he wants to. By providing him with palliative care you can help him make that final journey more easily. At the same time you and your mother and brother will know that you're doing what he wants and you'll be in a much better place without the necessity to continue the difficult struggle you're engaged in.
When I got her home, I started to monitor her health myself. It wasn't until then, that her numbers came down, she started to think more rationally, etc., etc.
She has been diagnosed with vascular dementia along with paranoia and delusional thinking. She's with me now and some days, it's good, others not so much so. For instance, this morning the first thing she said to me other than 'good morning' was "I poobed' (yes, with the 'b'). I tried not to laugh, but I do notice that she couldn't say the word 'poop' well. Which says to me she has the good/bad days.
I don't know whether or not your dad's behavior is a result of him just not wanting to live anymore, etc. What I did was stopped the constant testing of BP and sugar to a point of perhaps once a week because the numbers bothered both her and me. I figure she's on the meds, most of the time the numbers are 'good' or within reasonable limits (you don't say how old your dad is or perhaps I just didn't see it) and it's one less thing she has to 'worry' about.
I give you a hug because it is stressful to see our loved ones get sick. We weren't prepared for this. But if we handle it right, perhaps our kids and/or loved ones will be prepared for our sicknesses/demise and we can serve as good role models for them when our time comes.
We cook him food that caters to his diabetes but he doesn't think it tastes as good as "normal" food so he adds flavors or makes his own when we're not around. An example was a few days ago he used up a whole can of coconut milk intended for baking. We asked him what he used it for and he outright denied he used it and even said we probably did. He's told us multiple times that his diabetes has gone away, but from what I've read, it doesn't just go away.
I didn't know palliative care was eligible for people not on the verge of passing. My only experience with palliative care was when my grandfather had late stages of lung cancer. I will look into those organizations and see if I can get in contact with them since my dad's family doctor is unhelpful.
Thank you everyone!
(1) If possible, make a video recording of his behavior(s) - ( without his knowledge) - using a camcorder or camera and hook it up to the TV. Tell your father there is something you would like him to watch on TV. If he views the video, it may change some of his behavior.
(2) Find out if your health insurance or community services will provide a psychologist or a psychiatrist that will make home visits. It seems like your father is suffering from depression and acting out his anger regarding his health. It seems like he has given up.
(3) See if any of his medications can be crunched up and put in his food or drinks without his knowledge.
You may have already tried some or all of my suggestions. Whatever the case, I wish you and your family well. Don't give up hope. Pray for direction. God Bless !
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