My Dad is 82 and an alcoholic who obviously needs to go into assisted living or find full-time care at home, but consistently refuses to do so. He will tell me one day that he wants someone to "live-in" with him, but wants to pay a wage so low that no one would consider it. I found someone who was willing to take his low rate of pay, then he changed his mind about what he wanted to pay them and wanted to pay less. The next day he will tell me he wants to go to assisted living, but complains the place is like a prison. (I'd move in myself tomorrow if it were up to me honestly.) He keeps changing his mind and shifting the goal-posts so that it makes it impossible for me to do anything. On top of this, all of my siblings are full of good ideas about things we (my husband and I) can do to help him, while completely ignoring the fact that we both work and we also have a minor-aged daughter who is experiencing mood instability and severe depression. She is in now in intensive therapy that takes up an enormous amount of time and just came out of her third acute hospitalization.
Dad's last thing is that he is now refusing to eat. If I am there, all day long, he might (with coaxing) eat 600 calories. He is severely malnourished and losing weight. I cannot get him to go the doctor's office and he refuses to go in the ambulance.
He's had three pretty severe falls (though how he's managed not to break anything is anybody's guess) in the past month. We simply can't keep helping my Dad or doing the things my siblings are suggesting by ourselves anymore. Yet, anytime we try to hire anyone, Dad claims they are "too expensive" even though he can well afford the help.
Trying to care for him plus take care of our daughter is putting enormous amounts of stress on both of us physically and mentally, not to mention a huge strain on our marriage. We're both on high blood pressure medication now and both our doctor's have attributed it to stress. I keep telling my siblings "that's a great suggestion, but I don't have time to do that with our daughter's therapy schedule." It goes in one ear and out the other. And Dad will call me yelling and screaming about how he took care of me and now it's my turn to take care of him. I just can't do it. And moving in with us is not an option. We cannot have his alcoholism and his stress in our home with our daughter who is already having severe issues. If anyone has any advice about what to do, I would really welcome it. We just can't continue to deal with the situation as it is. Honestly, if it weren't for my husband's job, I'd move out of state and disappear.
Some good advice here already......
Similar situation to me. I've got teen with aspergers, 6 year old too. Wife has long term illness too. Live 25 miles from Dad. Got Brother who likes to dictate what I need to do.
We were both brought up by him as a single parent. And dont we know it!
Dads the same - he will not listen to anyone its got to be done how he wants it.
My Dad, like yours, does not give a monkeys. Hes ill and he needs help so find the time....
Its hard though. I've made improvements over the last few years. I came close to losing my wife and family because of him. Im not brilliant now but better and he still causes me loads of grief.
If I could give any advice it'd be:-
1. Put your own family and kids first.
2. Ignore siblings and their opinions (I'm NC with my brother now)
3. Not sure if its saying in the US now but "Crack on then!" is my mantra now. (i.e. You made the decisions, deal with the consequences and leave me out of it)
4. Prepare yourself for pushback (it could be massive!)
When I was looking for a facility for my dad almost everyone of them said he could have and consume alcohol, several had nightly happy hours, as long as he wasn't problematic. Someone had to provide the alcohol. I was surprised that this was offered information, my dad doesn't drink so it didn't matter but, it hit my radar because I don't like dealing with a drunk.
So please do not let this information discourage you km. Ask what the rules are, you may be surprised. You can't keep doing what you are doing because of what if.
I hope that you are making progress towards finding a solution that is not you or your husband. It is hard, so one step at a time and don't put more pressure on yourself. Taking the time to find a place and educate yourself will pay off in the long run.
Here's a great big warm hug filled with strength for you.!🤗
It sounds like your father needs more care than you can provide right now but assisted living is very helpful.
Are the siblings within a distance to help on a regular basis. If so, tell them what you need and be specific. There are only 2 forks in that road - they will come and help or they won't. If they won't, let...it...go. Don't waste energy on becoming angry AND when they offer advice, turn the tables and tell them 'hey, that sounds great, when will you be here to do that?'
Right now you have two serious issues that you are trying to balance. You can't really get help with the daughter because her needs will require your presence. Your dads needs can be managed with help from others and he has the money to get the help. If you can arrange payment to caregivers at an agreeable wage, he can move the goalpost all he wants while you simply agree to his changing whims.
You and your husband are very much at risk of dying yourselves because of the stress that his bad choices and manipulation put on your lives. You need to think about what happens to your daughter if you or your husband die because of your dad. That should be enough encouragement to tell him enough is enough already and to tell your siblings that they are welcome to step in and put their ideas to work or shut up.
You have to let him fail without you propping him up. That is the only way that change for him will happen. Block his number and your siblings and call APS about a vulnerable senior and let him deal with the consequences of his choices.
Please, for your daughters sake do not become a statistic.
You can do this, you can be strong enough to say no more, starting now.
Please seek help, institute boundaries, ignore his threats and let me take his life in his own hands. You owe him absolutely nothing, regardless of his opinions.
Do not move him into your home under any circumstances. You now just have to wait for that crisis that takes him to the ER. Refuse to take him home. Let a social worker find a place for him. Your father won't like it but who here gets everything they want.
I've written on others posts, last year a Social Worker gave me this advice that helped me.
1. Discuss current situation & warn of dangers you see.
2. Suggest alternatives.
3. Let person make their decision.
4. Step back & let the consequences be theirs.
You have pointed out the issues & suggested AL but organising a move could well be beyond his capabilities. You may not be able to accomplish it yourself without the legal framework (ie guardianship).
I found a mini-break to get away was my turning point - when I stepped back *without the guilt*. Being physically away helped reset me mentally so I could reassess & re-prioritise going forward. (Which was no longer helping support living at home alone).
No harm in saying something like, "You do it your way Dad. But if you get unwell, please go to your Doctor". Call him daily for your own peace of mind if you need to. Be ready to call ambulance if a fall - dehydration is a common culprit & if not eating or drinking properly this will happen sooner rather than later.
You have boundaries set so you are one step ahead of the game.
I agree with other posters who suggested calling APS. At least you will feel as if you’re taking action rather than hanging in limbo. The feeling of nothing happening is so unsettling.
Plus you know at this point in time you are not going to change his behavior. He needs help. Calling APS is helping even though I am sure it’s very hard to think about. I don’t know of anything else that would be an easier solution.
Best wishes to you and your family.
Your daughter needs all your attention.
Where are the siblings who have the great ideas? I take it your father is mentally competent? If so, then he should be on his own.
I am concerned for you, your D, and your H. Please follow the advice that has already been posted. And please keep us updated!
You have your hands full with your daughter and she needs all you time and attention right now. You must not succumb to your father's manipulation and guilt trips. Screen his calls. Do not pick up when he calls, let it go to voice mail. Don't stop by the house and try to get him to eat. Make a weekly trip with some groceries and just to check on things. When he starts laying a guilt trip or yelling at you just leave. Don't try to explain. At 82 and an alcoholic your father isn't going to change his ways and suddenly be reasonable. This will only get worse. Let the crisis happen so it can get sorted sooner rather than later.
Wishing you the best of luck dealing with all that's on your plate right now, and sending you a big hug too
Seriously. People who aren't there should just shut up.
And do what BB says, below. Once they've helped your father get himself sorted out, you will then be able to establish a sensible visiting schedule and perhaps supplement whatever services he is using - you're not abandoning him forever, and you're certainly not indifferent to his welfare. But you CAN'T meet his needs, and it's best to get out of the way of professionals who can.
Take 3 giant steps away from your manipulative and mentally illl dad. Call local Adult Protective Services and report him as a vulnerable elder.
I understand that you care about what happens to your dad. You love him. But you can't love him more than he loves himself.
Your daughter had, quite literally, NO one else to parent her through the rocky shoals of adolescence. Your father has other children and he can become a ward of the state. In other words, there are alternatives for him. Not so for your daughter.