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I'm a recently discharged vet, and I have successfully transitioned to a career in the civilian sector. I have landed my dream job and am moving to Maryland in a few weeks to start. I'm also planning on proposing to my girlfriend of 4 years. We're starting a life together and my father's partner passed away last month. He was dependent on her social security along with his to make ends meet. Now that she is gone, he is alone and unable to continue paying the bills where he is for much longer.

He always made sure my brothers and I were provided for growing up, but he never made any provisions for himself or his retirement. He is 68. He has had several heart attacks and has COPD, but is doing well with medciation, diet and exercise.

He is closest with me, and so his solution to his problems seems to be moving in with us. Just the idea is putting ENORMOUS strain on my relationship with my soon-to-be fiancee as it seems like this will not be a temporary solution, but a permanent one. He's talked about giving us money toward a down payment on a house (where he plans on living) and I can't shake the feeling that if I do this, I'm headed down a path that will lead to nothing but problems, both with my relationship and my finances. Because my new job requires me to travel a lot, my girlfriend would be the one spending the most time with him, and that is not a role she is comfortable with. To be honest, he can be pretty abrasive sometimes, and that is not a role I would willingly put her in.

In spite of this awareness, I still am having a hard time saying no to him and the idea of him living with us. I feel obligated to help him out, and just the thought of saying no to him makes me feel like an ungrateful jerk (especially when I think about everything he's done for me throughout my life). I have worked very hard to get where I am, and I am finally found someone to share my life with. I feel like I am one false move away from putting everything in jeopardy.
What are my options? If anyone's in a similar circumstance or has already been down this road before is reading, please comment. I'm in dire need of information at this point.

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You are right to feel obligated to help him out, both out of affection and duty. But you have no obligation to put your own future in jeopardy.

It sounds like he does not need a caregiver. He may need some monitoring and gentle suggestions to keep him on the med/diet/exercise path.

Having recently lost his partner, he may feel lonely and in need of companionship.

But it sounds like the primary need right now is financial. Solve that first. If you and your brothers can help him make ends meet without financial hardship yourself, then that is an option open to you. If that isn't feasible or doesn't completely solve the problem, then help him discover ways to get help. Subsidized housing for seniors comes to mind. Often there is a waiting list for that, but the sooner you get on a waiting list, the sooner your name rises to the top! Look into what other affordable housing may be open to him. Help him examine his expenses and see if there are ways he could shave a little here and there. Find out what benefits he might be eligible for. Low-cost or no-cost meals on wheels? Food stamps?

You can provide a little guidance and gentle reminders no matter where he is living. You can help some with the loneliness by visiting or calling and having over for meal now and then.

There is a lot you can do to help him out. Do it like a loving son. But DO NOT MOVE HIM IN WITH YOU!!! That way lies disaster! He is 68. Do you really want him living with you for your next 20 or 30 years? All your instincts about this are on target.
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First, I think you are a careing son, you wouldn't have asked this question if you weren't.Also DO NOT move him in with you.If you travel a lot, your soon to be wife knows she will be the primary caregiver and that isn't right. Check into AL for him,.Talk to other family members, make a plan. Your father could live another 20 yrs.and those will not be healthy years, they will be years of MD appointments, feeding, bathing, possible dementia.Really check into AL, also Medicare/Medicaid,talk to a lawyer that specializes in elder law. But please do not move him in with you.He may be able to go to the bathroom by himself right now but that won't always be the case. Do you really want your soon to be wife to be the one that has to clean your dad's behind when you are out working? Don't mean to be so blunt but that is what things can come to. An initial act of love can turn into a nightmare, many don't think their elderly parent will live very long and that is a big mistake.As the years go on he won't be able to even bath himself, it takes a lot of physical work to take care of someone that is no longer able to take care of themselves.Come up with a plan that does not include him moving in with you. AL can be an answer,start talking with your other family members now and come up with a plan, good luck.
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NO NO NO! It is wonderful that you care for your Dad but your first responsibility is to yourself and your future. If he can't afford his bills now, how is he going to help with down payment on a house. Check with senior services in his area and make arrangements for all assistance he is eligible for now. If he is a vet, check into their Aid & Assistance Program. You can see that your Dad is safe and cared for without destroying the life you are trying to build.

Read all similar posts on this board about parents moving in. Please do so before your fiancé makes the wise decision to bail out!

Thank you for your service to our country! Best wishes!
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Have you thought about buying a two-family house with his help? There are great set-ups for this 'out there' -- perhaps a lower-level converted to an in-law arrangement with kitchen and full living quarters. They're often priced the same (if not less than) single-family ordinary homes because they have such a small market segment.

Or perhaps his building on a 20x15 addition to an existing home with a one-room apartment, bathroom and kitchen.

I'd do ANYTHING before I'd let him move in with me.

If I were you, I would sit down with him and have him lay all of his financial cards on the table so YOU can see other possibilities. There's low-income senior housing out there; there are little 1-bedroom condo's available. See if his finances are such that he can afford something like that.

When you DO that, get The Council on Aging involved and have THEM cite some options for your dad. You meet with them along with your dad.

I'd be looking for ways to avoid the scenerio he's come up with, frankly. At the same time, though, I just couldn't 'put him out in the street'. The pain of your doing that, in my opinion, would be far greater than the inconvenience of some of the options discussed above.

Sometimes, these arrangements can work like a charm -- as long as dad isn't sitting across from you at the dinner table EVERY night. He could pitch in for 1/3 of the mortgage payment; 1/3 of the food; utilities, etc. Might be rather comfy for your budget. IF (big IF) you could work out the details.
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As someone mentioned, maybe you can find a duplex, side-by-side, where you could rent it out someday when he's gone, but where he pays you some rent to help with your mortgage. Even with that, you'll have to set some ground rules. You need your privacy and, even if he's lonely, he needs to find a way to have his own life, to at least some extent. When the rest of the family visits, you have to be clear whether or not they also stop by to see you. I don't mean to make them unwelcome, just maybe to stress that you need a little extra privacy being newly married and such, because having family members dropping in all the time could also be a strain.
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Ok. You've read all the posts so far. Take them to heart. If I were your girlfriend, I would be very concerned about this possible scenario. There are many options for dad without him moving in with any of his kids. Assist him in finding out what's out there. Also, I thought it odd that he can't hardly afford to live on his own, but he wants to help with a down payment.
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I'd think twice about doing the addition for the house or duplex option. I've had friends who did that, thinking it would give the parent independence and them, privacy. It worked out just as though the parent were living with them. Mom moved in with my sister and I (6 months each) because she was lonely. It was a real mistake for her to give up her independence too soon, and we were burned out by the time the real health issues were in force. It was quite tough on our spouses, too.
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"Just the idea is putting ENORMOUS strain on my relationship with my soon-to-be fiancee as it seems like this will not be a temporary solution, but a permanent one. "

Then don't do it. This is no way to start a marriage. Imagine trying to care for your father when there are babies and young kids in the house. It's just not feasible.

Sit down with him and thoroughly review his financial situation and options. Where would $$$ for a contribution to a down payment come from? If he has that, it could just as easily go towards his living expenses.
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Jay, if your Dad has enough money to give you toward a down payment on a house, he surely has enough money to pay his own bills. Plus at 68 years old, he is still young enough to work part-time somewhere, doing something he really likes. This would keep him busy and give him a reason for getting up in the morning, plus meet new people.

Personally, I wouldn't have my parents put any money down on my house as they can use that as a bribe for so many different reasons. You will start hearing "if it wasn't for me helping you, you wouldn't have this house", yada, yada, yada.
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You already know the answer. Unless you want to make yourself and your fiancee miserable, you don't want your "abrasive" dad living with you. You may be stuck with him for another twenty years, by which time your marriage will be over, and any children you might have will have grown up with a grouchy grandpa criticizing their every move.
Do not give in to guilt that you "owe" him for his having provided for you as a child. Tell him to use his money toward his own place, and kick in what you can if he needs help paying the bills. Go visit him, take him out to places he likes for some father-son time, but don't, DON'T let him live with you.
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I read you note with interest...you are in a tough spot....I think you should move heaven and earth to see to it that your dad has a place to live by himself...I envision that being financial assistance from you, and perhaps your sibliings...I have the intuition that your fiancé will not accept him moving in.....68 is young, despite his heart attacks....Hey I am 78 and am blessed with great health and the last thing I want to do is move in with my grown kids....plus, they would take my motorcycles away from me and that would mean I could no longer go 100 mph on a deserted road out in the country now and then for a quarter mile..
(I kid you not.)...I have a moderately weak heart as well, and had a triple bypass....

But back to you...Boiled down: I feel you are right on with a desire to help him.
I feel a marriage would likely fall apart if he moved in..

Your call,

Bob
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Many considerations, offering advice is one thing; however without being to analyze the real health and financials, it is just advice; however there is no assurance it fits the situation.
How much in assets does he really have
is his real estate (if any ) worth anything.
Then consider his total income

Is there enough net worth/income where he could follow you to your new location, but perhaps live in an enhanced independent living situation, combined (supplemented) with some private home care.
By any chance is he a Vietnam era vet?

Perhaps Assisted living is too drastic. He most likely is not going to be happy in a studio or 1 room situation? More likely would desire at least a 1 bedroom with living area & abbreviated kitchen

Your fiance should not, and does not want, to be a caregiver she wants to remain a relative.
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Nothing to add to all these wise answers. If I was your girl friend I would be packed and ready to head for the hills if Dad set foot in my home. Remember it is her home too and she has equal say in your joint life ahead. Leave him right where he is and if necessary the whole family can help him financially or move him to somewhere cheaper. Don't even find somewher close to your new location because you WILL end up as full time caregivers and that is not pretty.
You do not OWE your father anything so put that guilt away. Parents give to their children freely and as they are able. Any children you have should have the same consideration. If you move Dad in your chances of even concieving a child are zero to none just think of the lack of privacy. DO NOT DO IT.
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I lived with my husband before marriage. At the same time his mother moved in with us. I had visited with her probably 3 times. She was a lovely hostess. She was falling & needed company. House purchsed in mother & son's names. Turns out her negative attributes became more obvious as we lived together. She began to dislike me. I started on Blood Pressure meds & heard myself say at the doctor's office that I didn't really care about a heart-attack or a stroke. I needed help! Her abuse damaged my relationship with her son. We are no longer all living together. The relationship between mother & son is severed. After we escaped at a great financial cost, we married. Tomorrow is our 1st anniversary. My advice? DO NOT DO IT!
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Instead of having your dad move in with you and jeopardizing your upcoming marriage, I would consider trimming his bills in any way possible and possibly moving him to where his rent is cheaper. As some have mentioned there are resources for low-income seniors, including food stamps, free cell phones from Alliance, meals on wheels, medicaid and so on. Go over his finances with him. I think his chief problem now is loneliness -- so spend time with him. But don't feel guilty about not moving him in unless he's facing abject homelessness -- even then, look into options -- and it doesn't sound like that's the case.
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I left many details out. But that was the beginning of living with my husband. It nearly broke me. But, I found wonderful people HERE!
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Check into Senior Living or Assisted Living apartments. They can be very affordable and qualify for assistance if he qualifies. He would have his own space but others his age to befriend. He may not want it but you are not in a position to care for him. How do your siblings feel about caring for him? Did they already say no way and not he's putting the pressure on you? Being a caregiver is not for the faint of heart. It is a grueling situation and will effect your relationship even if you don't realize it. If you plan on taking the next step with your girlfriend, this is not the situation to expect her to deal with. You and your father have other options for his living arrangements. Also make sure he is not playing you on the financials as a way to worm into your home. Sit down with him and go through the bills and get a budget going. Help him file for assistance. Saying no to him living with you has nothing to do with your love for him. It just mean you are watching out for your own future and that is just fine!
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Jay, one thing to remember is that your Dad is only 68 years old.... that is still young..... he could very easily live another 20-25 years.

You mentioned that your Dad's partner had past away just this past month, so your Dad is still in the grieving process. But later down the road, your Dad could easily find a new mate to spend the rest of his life with. I think he would be more apt to find someone new if he wasn't living with you. Any new gal would feel she's not needed if she finds out you and your future wife are doing all the caring.
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I agree with Jeanne's advise and I would add that if you have brothers, maybe each of you can chip in for dad on a monthly basis. Certainly it would be a sacrifice, but cutting back a bit or delaying some purchases could allow a contribution to his income.
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Please do not think that having your Dad live in the other side of a duplex or in an apartment built onto your house means you or your wife will not have to take care of him increasingly! And I know from experience that it will be the primary responsibility of the wife, especially considering your travel schedule. Get together with your siblings, look over everyone's finances to see how much each person, including Dad, can pay, and then look into subsidized housing and other assistance programs. My father had COPD, and trust me, he will not get easier to care for or less abrasive as it progresses! Think of your future and do not try to do more than you and your spouse reasonably can do!
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Children do not OWE their parents for raising them. Children do not ask to be born. Adults make the life decisions that result in becoming parents, and it is their responsibility to provide for those children. If they provide too much, and do not put away something for themselves that is their decision or lack of planning. It is on them, and does not mean that the children have to sacrifice their own future. It can start a domino effect, with generations knocking the next one down. As others have posted, you can still help, without having a parent move in with you. If you want to have kids of your own, start getting ready for them now and set some boundaries, with tough love for your dad.
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tooyoung, BINGO!! Plus with elders living much longer, we are seeing senior citizens in their late 70's trying to care for their parents who are pushing 100. Cannot imagine how exhausting that would be, with no time at all for any type of retirement :(
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I agree about not accepting money for the down payment on the house. He could use that money to help himself afford his life. That being said, my mother's siblings and she all contributed $38 a month to their mother's support. That was in the 50's when $38 was a substantial amount. Houses cost $10,000 for a modest 3 BR home, It might be about like $200 - $300 in today's dollars, or if you multiply it by 10 like in the home $380. Can your brothers afford that?
In grief counseling we tell people not to make any major move for one year after a spouse or life-sharing partner passes. Your dad needs time to adjust to his new situation, not to jump into a new environment.
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There have been many wonderful responses to the original question. My prior response is not as useful. I wanted to share how relationsip altering (& potentially destroying) the potential scenario could be. It seemed that the partner's perspective might be useful input. I have continued to read answers and to learn positive information from the many here who have wonderful solutions to our needs.
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One option worth investigating is the LIFE (Living Independently for Elders) program offered by St. Joseph of the Pines if there is one in your area. You must be 55 yrs or older and be eligible for nursing home care by state standards as well as determined to be able to live safely in the community with LIFE services. This program assists elders to live safely at home or with their loved ones. The benefits are too numerous to mention here, but you can Google it and read up on it. Don't forget your local Area Agency on Aging. Many have free programs like Companionship programs, Meals on Wheels, personal care services, Respite services, and have ombudsmen who know about all the nursing home facilities and assisted living facilities in their area.
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