Hi everyone,
I am 29 and just left an abusive marriage and moved back in with my parents. My dad has been diagnosed with stage 3 lung cancer, and has been going through treatment for several months. He has never been emotionally available throughout my entire life, but right when he was first diagnosed his outlook on life completely changed and he was openly loving to everyone in the family. His attitude about fighting his cancer was very good, and it made me hopeful about him being able to beat it. Over time, as the chemo makes him feel worse, he has become increasingly negative and toxic to be around. I try my best to let him know I love him, and remind him of the positives, but he has a negative comeback for every single thing I say. I’m dealing with my own grief over my marriage as well as worry about him, and his constant negativity is draining my energy and making me feel emotionally unsafe. I know he is suffering and I get that (I have a chronic pain condition myself), but it is as if he’s determined to be angry and negative, not to feel better. He loudly complains about how nasty the healthy food we cook for him is, he blows everything out of proportion, and tells me I’m wrong every time I open my mouth. I am very concerned that his depression is deepening and I sometimes worry about him considering self harm, because he seems to see nothing positive in life at all anymore. He doesn’t believe in therapy, which I had urged him to use.
Am I going to need to have an intervention? He doesn’t respect my opinions, so I’m not sure how much this would help. At what point do I just accept that he doesn’t want to be positive, and disconnect from him emotionally? How can I protect myself from this as we live in the same house and we are often home together every day? I am an empath and this is very hard to see happening.
thanks!
Is dad's depression being treated? Who is going along with him to doc appointments? Mom, you? Has anyone talked to his oncologist about his extreme negativity?
How about yesterday?
Yes, you have your troubles, too, but are you dying? Do you think he feels "emotionally safe" knowing he's dying? I'd love to know what positives you're pointing out that he's rejecting. Sorry, but I'd have a tough time being positive, too.
Sorry to be so harsh, but frankly, you've really missed what's going on because of your own issues. I get it -- life isn't a party for you right now either, but perhaps therapy is where you need to be instead of expecting your dad to be unchanged by the life-threatening situation he's in. You want Dad to be the rock he always was, but this is real life, and he's turning out to be human after all.
Work on your compassion, please. Cancer is horrific, and the treatments are, too. It makes a person turn inward and focus on fighting, and those on the outside often feel rejected and helpless to assist. It doesn't mean they shouldn't stop trying, though.
Seek support for your troubles elsewhere, like therapy, and don't look to your parents for anything other than shelter. Their hands are full with your dad's illness. This is full-on adulting, and it isn't fun, but sometimes you have to step up and handle your own problems without counting on your usual support system when they aren't emotionally available.
As an example, one of my sister's former Big Sisters clients visited her during the last 3 or so months of her cancer, brought her 2 young daughters, and stayed over an hour. My sister told me later she appreciated the visit but just wanted her to go b/c she desperately needed her own privacy, peace, quiet and rest. The visit wore her out for the rest of the day.
I think that your father is dealing with enough challenges from cancer that he might not be able to cope with an adult child in his home, unless you're specifically providing care for him, including meals that are cancer compliant, transit to and from medical appointments and chemo, if he's getting it.
What kind of therapy have you encouraged him to get? If it's not recommended by his oncologist, I can see why he might question it.
This isn't intended to be critical, but you're young, still have a lot of life ahead of you, but your father apparently doesn't. And at 29 you still have a lot of working years left as well; I would focus on that, find a job and restore your own self esteem. That might make it easier for the two of you to interact.
I emphasize that my comments are not intended to be critical, but observations of what I inferred from your post.
Stage 1 - Denial - the feelings and actions that this "loss" isn't real
Stage 2 - Anger - the feelings and actions of anger that this "loss" or situation is unfair. Sounds a bit like the place your father is at.
Stage 3 - Bargaining - the ineffective actions and panicky. desperate feelings that if I do "___________." Things will go back to normal.
Stage 4 - Depression - the feelings and actions of sadness, regret, and depression when realizes this "loss" is not going away.
Stage 5 - Acceptance - the feelings and actions that denote coming to peace with the "loss" and accepting the "new normal".
Please check with your father's oncologist, local hospitals, churches, and online for a local support group. You need to find groups for yourself to find positive ways to move forward and deal with 2 losses. The first is deal with the separation or divorce from your spouse. The second is as a family member as somebody going through cancer. Your father would also benefit from a support group for people suffering/fighting cancer. He might also need a referral from his doctor for a psychiatrist for evaluation, diagnosis, and treatment of the mental health symptoms you mention. Just remember that your father has choice of whether or not he receives treatment for his mental health problems.
I would also recommend that you need some work on establishing boundaries on dealing with problem behaviors of others. Please read any of the "boundary" books by Townsend and Cloud. I find them to be practical and extremely helpful. You might wish to enlist the help of a counsellor or therapist as you create and implement plans for dealing with your father's negativity.
It’s also possible that you are not recognizing dad’s behavior towards you as part of an emotionally abusive parental relationship. You mentioned that “he has not been emotionally available to you your entire life”. I’m just inferring here, but it’s not uncommon for someone to end up in an abusive relationship (like you did) when they have had to deal with emotional abuse at home.
Some responders here, (like MJ1929) may not understand how toxic abuse can be. You need a place to stay, and you are also healing and in need of rest and a low stress environment. Find a shelter or friend to stay with and only visit dad when you feel emotionally capable of dealing with him - and don’t feel guilty about it! YOU have done nothing wrong. It’s terrible that your father has cancer, but you can’t be there for him as he struggles through his denial/anger stages if you’re not healthy enough yourself. It’s OK. You deserve this.
You can make the decision to live as a victim, or you can make a conscientious effort to go a different route and learn from abuse. I don't claim this young woman should be all peachy and cheery about her own situation, but for her to expect her father to be more supportive (uh, whose house is she living in?) and condemn him for not being "emotionally available" while she's an "empath" is just a load of therapy-induced hogwash. Therapy's worthless if all you get out of it is a lot of labels and terminology and no real change.
The bottom line is she needs to either go elsewhere and work on her own issues, or at the very least stop projecting her problems on her dad and expecting him to be the way she can't be. OR she could read these comments, grow up and bit, learn what empathy really is, then practice it.
2) Abusive relationship - A child growing up without love sometimes looks for the familiar.
3) Twenty-nine and at mommy and daddy's house. Not healthy. Besides broken tools can't help each other.
Sorry for being so blunt. Most of us, me too, learn the hard way and some take longer than others. You're lucky you're young yet, but barely.
Kindly, you're in no position to help your dad.
While you get yourself in a position to leave just listen, smile or lay low.
You need help to get a better picture of the world you create.
In case you haven't recognized it, I'm a long time listener to Dr. Laura.
Would it be easier if he were cheerful, upbeat and raring to take on the cancer monster? Yes, of course. But he's not. He is likely afraid, angry and wishes he didn't have the disease and didn't have to deal with the awful treatment. He may not have the emotional and psychological capacity to cope in any other way. If possible, you must be kind, caring and compassionate and accept that he is at where he is at. I know that is easier said than done.
My dad lived with Stage 3 prostate cancer for 11 years. In the last year of his life he was pretty miserable, would often hang his head. I was usually annoyed with him and found it hard to deal with. During the last month of his life, he was impossible. Angry, insulting and miserable. In restrospect, I understand his reactions now. He was dying and he likely had many things in life that were unsaid or undone and he was despairing. I wish I could have been more caring and compassionate towards my father at the end of his life and I suggest you may attempt the same. It's hard but it's the decent thing to do.
sometimes happiness seems elusive, and then lemon bars turn out and are delicious!
But, his Meds can certainly be the Culprit.
When around him, don't try to cheer him up, just agree with him, let him know you or sad and understand his situation sucks, because it does.
Limit the time spent around him.
Seek Counciling for yourself.
Can you and dad get our of the house and in to Nature...a Walk on a nice Trail in the Woods or the Beach, or have a pic nic at the park?
You would be surprised what a little fresh air and
sunshine lifts the Spirits.
Prayers
29 is a hard age. You’re old enough to be educated and in a career and a real adult (as opposed to the 18 yo newborn adult). You know a lot, but wisdom is one of the few advantages of seniority (and rare old souls) — it kind of makes up for furniture disease where your chest falls in your drawers.
You know the joy and hardship of being an empath, but maybe this is an opportunity to learn to guard yourself so you aren’t vulnerable to energy vampires. If yes, your dad is giving you a gift.
It may also be an opportunity to learn parenting 101 if dad’s acting like a brat who lets his emotion run ripshod over everyone, and you need to adopt a strategy to manage it. I’d start with calling him out in a way that doesn’t dismiss his feelings but doesn’t let them rule yours:
Dad, this healthy meal is for me. You can eat it or have a PB&J sandwich, Dad, I’m sorry you hurt but I can’t fix this. Dad, I empathize but I’m going to put on my earbuds now. Dad, here’s my suggestion; if you like it, fine; if not, I hope you have a better idea. Dad, I liked you better when you weren’t constantly criticizing me. Dad, I won’t stand here so I can be your whipping post. Dad, getting angry at me won’t fix this. Dad, calling me names (or whatever) isn’t productive so I’m walking away. Dad, I’m confused; if you don’t want me here I can leave. Dad, I have to focus on my job. Dad, dying means you’ve finished your visit at the amusement park Earth and are going home. Dad, you’re being a “little shit” (quoting my elder MIL) but I love you.
In other words, quietly, calmly, empathetically set your boundaries and personal goals & stick to them — but expect dad to dig in and go full tantrum before realizing he lost control (think toddler dropped off at daycare and howling to guilt mom/dad into staying).
Btw, you say you moved in with your parents. Where’s mom in this?
You got this. Figuring out the how to will add to your reservoir of wisdom. Good luck 🍀
Now you. I have been divorced and had to move home with a 1 yr old in tow. I had no job and no support. Yes, your self esteem goes down the drain but the breakup was not my fault. If you were abused, there is free help out there to help you deal. If you have no job, you need to get one. Its hard for children to take in parents, its just as hard for a parent to have a child move back in. They are used to being alone now there is someone else in the house.
For now, learn to read Dad. You can tell when someone doesn't want to talk. When they just want to be alone.
Seems like these are the bigger questions, enjoy the time you have left with your Dad the way he was rather then dragging out our medical systems attempt at saving him.
Personally I’m more about quality then quantity
Chemo is a horrible horrible treatment for his body AND mind to undertake, plus he's now expected to eat a 'healthy' diet which doesn't taste good, on top of everything else. One of the last pleasures he has in life, stripped away too, on top of everything else. He's tired, in pain, frightened of dying, feeling the rotten side effects of chemo, eating food that tastes like sawdust, and expressing himself to his loved ones who are supposed to understand and sympathize with him. Yes, it's hard for all concerned, nobody is going to argue that: but it's hardest for HIM and probably for your mother who's doing the direct caregiving AND sleeping with him at night.
"Therapy" is designed to help someone find a fix for their situation; what's going to 'fix' your dad's situation, exactly? Nothing. Either the chemo will extend his life some or it won't, and the quality of his life during that time will be questionable. What do you expect him to gain from therapy besides another bill? Your father is trying to come to terms with his mortality right now, and there ain't nothin gonna fix that, my friend. Try giving him a big hug when he's raging and then leave the room to let him process his feelings. Perhaps a bit of therapy for YOU to figure out how to emotionally disconnect from this situation if you can't or won't move out would be in order. Or maybe you can glean some tips on how to help your dad to get through this ordeal emotionally without absorbing his pain yourself; that would be a blessing.
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.
Be compassionate.
Listen y to him.
He really needs you now.
He is scared , his life as it was is changing
Look over his snapping at you
He has every right to feel angry
Love him
You may not have him for long
Dont let his parenting in the past
have you mistreating him now
I am sixty eight.
Im in remission two years out from colon cancer.
My family acted like what i had was contagious
i was the driver child caregiver everything now i can’t do anything
the chemo did horrible things to my body
im no longer useful and they all resent me
i feel like i died and no one remembered to bury me
Believe me your father is going through something terrible.
Hes scared
plrase be kind to your fathet
I think you need to put your own health first. I would disconnect from him. You may feel like you are letting him down but you won't be much good to him if you fall apart.
Maybe, seek counseling for him. From what you've told us he'll most likely respond negatively to that idea. But it's worth a try. Don't let him rob you of your youth.
i bet you are very empathetic!!
indeed, you cook healthy food for him. he doesn’t appreciate.
he argues with you about everything.
going through bad/horrible/terminal things in life, doesn’t mean the person is allowed to take it out on someone else.
lashing out is not ok.
not justified.
sounds also like he doesn’t appreciate all the effort you’re making: loving/nice meals, etc.
i hope soon things get better for you, and for your father.
i bet you’re doing a lot to show compassion.
protect yourself.
some people want to drag others down with them.
I stand by my earlier post. Disconnect! You can do it in a loving and kind way but you still need to protect yourself. Just my opinion. Take it or leave it.
Negative commenting becomes habitual -- my mother does it and it is soul killing for me. Sometimes I just say: "Mom, I want to be in a positive place right now." I won't ask her to stop anymore, she just gets defensive. But she does stop for awhile. And if she won't stop, I will just get up and leave the room if I can.
Next, getting space! Room dividers can do this, making your room a sanctuary, as well as creating a schedule where you can find time to feel "alone": when he is asleep, watching his tv, at the doctor, reading, whatever he does that doesn't need your interaction. That's right, have someone else take him to treatments and appointments. Senior services should be available to talk to about that.
Therapeutic massage by a good person can help relieve not just aches, but release the negative energy. Reiki or any "energy/body work" is recommended.
Use essential oils and aromatherapy for deep calm, peace...and meditate even 10 min. a day. Sound space, too, with meditative music is available on Youtube.
Now the difficult part is screening his negative comments. Like I say, it's awful for us sensitive people.
Get under your belt a few positive phrases and use them automatically. Not to fix or help him, and definitely not arguing with him, but to keep your energy in that calm place: "I honestly hope it can be better soon" "You have so much to handle, but I know you can do it." "I know this is very hard. I'm here." "I understand what you are saying" And of course the old standard, reflect back what he says. Like an echo. "Yeah, that is really hurting today!" "Yeah, this isn't your kind of food." "Those people don't do what you want." It's true to him, it's not trying to make him change, or worse, feel he's not being heard.
As for him telling you you are wrong, that is unkind and disrespectful. Don't engage, though. "Dad, I think I'm right about this. And don't want to argue with you." and move off to some other thing.
He isn't going to be changed or apologize or understand you any better. Save your energy for yourself. and get your own therapeutic support group or something. I'm looking for that.
If you think he'll hurt himself, tell his doctor. He may need a mental health assessment, and you can ask for it.
Take care and stay well.
Did you ever stop to think that with everything he is going through that maybe having you there is hard on him?
What about his feelings, his pain, his journey to recovery?
It's not all about you.
If living in his house is bothering you, then you should find somewhere else to live, so he can deal with his own life.
It is not his fault you are having marriage problems, he probably just wants to be who he is, without any restrictions on his behavior, it is his house.
If he wants to complain or lash out he has that right, he is going through a lot, and it is painful, very painful.
Sounds like you need to find somewhere to live outside your parents home so you can heal and deal with your own issues.
Then you can find the compassion that your Father needs from you.
Time to close this thread for comments?