My grandmother is in her mid 80's. She has diabetes and has fallen several times. She has early dementia. She is a very difficult personality. She lives alone, but right next to her daughter who gives her her shots, medication, and meals 3 times per day. She will also stay to visit with her in the evenings for a couple hours and tries to during the day when she can (she works from home). My grandma was recently in an assisted living facility for rehab from pneumonia. She was getting wonderful care but she hated being there and was constantly asking the nurses to call my aunt or father to come get her to take her home. They recommended my aunt leave my grandma for at least a month to allow her time to get stronger and get used to being there. My aunt felt guilty (from my grandma's constant complaints) and took her home. She has been home for 2 weeks and has called my aunt and my parents at minimum, 20 times per day each, demanding that she needs someone there with her, she is lonely and can't be alone. (Even if my aunt just left her house). She claims she is just going to find a way to die because no one loves her. That is not the case at all, but she says it is. She has now changed tactics and told my parents she needs to come live with them. My parents are not in the physical or financial position to care for her. My grandma also despises their pets and the temperature of their home. Any suggestions on how to deal with this? My aunt said my grandma can't afford to pay for someone to sit with her daily, nor can my parents or aunt afford this. I just see the emotional and physical strain this is putting on all the family. She absolutely refuses to go to an assisted living facility either.
It's hard but it helps for the family to take a hard and realistic look at what's going on and stop reacting as if mom is the same as she was at age 45 and might be saying something reasonable. Has she been evaluated for dementia? What you describe sounds consistent with several forms of dementia. I'd have her checked out ASAP.
Do NOT ignore her mental, physical and medical needs. She needs to be in a community of her peers where there is appropriate care from trained professionals. She would NOT be lonely there. They would have activities that keep her stimulated, hot meals, laundry, housekeeping, and people who can help her dress, bathe, brush her teeth & hair. There comes a time in almost everybody's life where living at home alone is the wrong answer. We can't stay 30 or 50 forever and refusing to change with the need level only causes harm.
Yes, it costs money. This is something I feel is beside the point. Not because I have money because I don't. I get my bills paid. Mom isn't wealthy but had a decent nest egg put by. Her care costs HER money, not mine. There will be nothing left over when she goes, but so what. It was an investment in her safety, her well being, and a good death. The house & land sheltered her in life up until last fall. Its sale is inevitable and the results of its sale will keep her sheltered for a time longer. I have had to adjust to the idea that I will not be able to keep the land in the family because she didn't plan ahead of time and wouldn't let me. But I am of the mind that assets are only useful if they are being used. If I had a million dollars in the bank it would be pointless if it didn't do some good besides earn interest. Others feel differently and that's OK.
If you are lucky enough to have a Grandma Esther Walton in your life who is aging gracefully, count your blessings. Most people who come to this site have someone who is a real handful on a good day. My mom definitely falls into that category.
I decided that I was not willing to destroy myself or family over mom. Me doing the caregiving in our home is absolutely not an option. It's not a fear of hard work or mess, but a look at what the real cost of home care is. I'd have to quit my job, stop having hobbies, interests, and so would the rest of the family. Our entire existence would be about mom and there would be little else. That's not fair to anyone. Especially my kids. We would all go down with the ship. I would never do that to my children and I won't have it done to me.
Unplug the phone or turn it off completely. Suggest to your mom that she call your grandma once a day, when it's convenient for her, and ignore the calls for the rest of the day. When your grandma starts going on about how miserable she is, how no one loves her, and how she wants to die that is the signal for your mom to get off the phone.
Your aunt bringing your grandma home was a huge mistake. It takes all elderly people time to adjust to a new living situation and I don't think your aunt gave it nearly enough time. Now your grandma has gotten the message that all she has to do is whine and complain and she gets her way. Plus, if the need for assisted living ever comes up again your family will never get her to agree to it again since she hated it so much and wasn't given the opportunity to get used to it.
Your grandma can't force her way into living with your parents. If she can live on her own she should be allowed to do so but since she was in AL it sounds like she may not be able to live alone. What you do is wait for grandma to fall (or some other emergency), get her to the ER, and then go from there. Gang up on her, include the nurses and the hospital social worker, the Dr., anyone you can find and get her back into AL and this time don't bring her home when she begins to complain. I know it sounds harsh but your grandma's woe-is-me, nobody loves me stuff is attention-seeking behavior and someone who needs attention all the time is very exhausting.
My mother bugged my sister on the phone, until the day my sister died. I would give her the same advice that you are getting. Do not answer the phone. But, she just wouldn't or couldn't. Now, Mother is fine in a NH. She never phones unless it is a necessity, but she outlived my sister.
It sounds like GM is controlling and upsetting the whole family with needs for attention, despite good care from her daughter.
This is a tough situation and I don't really have any good suggestions except not take her calls when she's harrassing for attention. She'll continue to do this if it's effective, so somehow it has to be made clear to her that it's not.
Perhaps others will have better suggestions, but I just wanted to share that I think these are manipulative, controlling tactics and that's the level on which to address them.
Hope someone else has better advice than I do.
Now the problem is my neighbor. She is an elderly woman going on 84. When she first moved in I helped her with everything she needed, fix her hair, take her to the doctors, listen to her endless stories that went on and on. She has a grown son living with her that works all day.. He is almost 60, never has been married and just goes to work and Church. I'm positive he does nothing when he gets home. My neighbor asks my husband and me to do things for her because 'her son is too busy studying his Bible'. My husband and I both work full time. I work from my home. I am also a crisis minister and have a passion for helping others. My neighbor drives me bat a** crazy....Calling my home constantly or when I go outside wanting to talk constantly, I can't take my trash out or work in the front yard without her coming out and demanding I speak with her. She is not that interesting and bores me to tears. If she see's my light on in my office she will call early in the morning and demand I give her attention. I work on my computer and she will say 'get off that computer'. She has to know what I do all day and where I go and is upset that I did not check in with her while I was out of town. My spirit hurts because I am a compassionate giving person but this woman is driving me insane to the point I want to move. I have told her I can't talk with her everyday, how can I make this madness stop without being ugly. It has given me much grief.
When I first moved here she was always after me yapping about religion, satan, demons, conspiracy theories, the end of the world, what I should do with my property and so on. Saying not interested or trying to change the subject just caused her to start jumping up and down screaming until, one afternoon last summer, I snapped and threw her screaming a** off my front lawn. Problem solved :)
Unfortunately she has cats breeding and running everywhere, not neutered, no shots, which attracts the coyotes. Last summer we had a bad coyote problem and on one occasion they were jumping at my window trying to get my cats. I keep my animals in at night but by the end of last summer all those across the road had been killed and eaten. Now there are cats running all over the place across the road again and the coyotes are back. Here we go again :(
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