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My siblings are helping very minimally with my mom who is staying with me and who I now care for in many ways. I know that I can't make them do anything and I can't make them care. They have chipped in somewhat financially but that's about it. my sister has taken her to a few doctor appointments. But for the most part neither of them want anything to do with this and have dumped the whole thing on me and at the same time are not even acknowledging that anything is even happening!!!! It's very hard financially and emotionally. How do you deal with the anger and hurt in dealing with this type of situation? It constantly enrages me. As it should I think, but on the other hand I think some people here have dealt with it better. I'd be interested in hearing your stories in dealing with your siblings and how you coped with it. Thanks!!!!! Also, did it destroy your relationship with your siblings if you were doing most everything in care giving and they weren't to the point that it was a huge detriment to both you and the one you are/were caring for?  Their behavior doesn't exactly endear me to them and frankly it makes me not like them as people or want to spend any time with them. If they don't give a damn about me or Mom, why should I want anything to do with them?  Thank you, I appreciate the support. Also, it really helps me to hear your stories, it makes me feel so much less alone. Thank you.

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You are so not alone!! My three brothers washed their hands of my mother. They don't visit, call, write or text. I would send them updates about her (she is living with me but moving to ALF soon). They never responded. I asked for help, they said nothing or "deal with it" we told you to put her in a nursing home.

Well she didn't want to go to a nursing home and really didn't need one yet. I wanted them to help me talk to her about ALF, they wanted nothing to do with it and said contact Elderly Affairs for help if I wanted it.

I asked them to take her for 4-6 months to give me a break...nope!

So, I resent them, I have cut contact off from them and I am glad I did it. Because I was angry all of the time. I was tired of them saying no. It became very clear they were never going to help so I wanted to save my sanity and cut them off.

Not sure how much this helps but I have found people's true colors come out when taking care of parents comes up, and it's usually not good either.

I
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I go back and forth between anger and acceptance. I know that when Mom is gone, I will have no relationship with two of my deadbeat brothers and I accept that they have never been and never will be of any use.

Now, the anger is both at them and at my mother. Despite the fact that they never visit and even now, no longer call, my mother still absolutely glows at the mention of their names. She anticipates their promised visits like a child waiting for Christmas morning - but Christmas never comes. She throws financial support at them but expects me to do everything for free (which I would have no problem my efforts being free if she wasn't constantly rewarding them).

But at the end of all this - and the ends is likely near, I will always know that I did what was right and hopefully, they will carry the burden of whatever guilt or regrets they may have.
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Do the dead beat siblings ever feel guilty after their parent has passed? I ask because I have seen similar questions asked before, just curious..
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I doubt mine will but it won't affect me either way. I will always know that I did best for Mom (and previously, Dad). what they feel or don't feel is their business.

I don't plan on having a service because at least one would put on a big show of being upset and I refuse to give him a stage for that.
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mom2mom, 1) I love your response, and 2) I am going to do the same thing about not having a service.
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Wow, unfortunately I can relate to all of this. My sister is the type to pretend to care and be super helpful or at least brag about it if she has a crowd but behind closed doors she doesn't give a shit. my mom called her twice to ask her to take her to the emergency room because I was working or sick and both times she said no and didn't even ask why my mom needed to go. but then when she does show up occasionally she acts like nothing is wrong and she's just this super person... arrgghh. my mom knows what is going on but doesn't really seem to care. she treats her well and is always glad to see her which I understand in that she is her daughter but it hurts me because I am slaving away for my mom every day and she kind of just takes me for granted. my brother lives in a foreign country so that's his excuse. I had cut my sister off but after my mom had her stroke she came back into my life in that mom is now with me and my sister does relate to her when it's convenient for her. it is very difficult. it actually would be easier to cut ties completely again but I feel like I have to let her have access to mom because she is living with me. and my sister won't let her step foot into her house. how fair is that? arrrgghhhh. seriously, this whole thing drives me nuts. I don't understand people who don't help their parents out when their parents need help. i guess in this case it's partly because they are using me to take care of mom and they just interact with her when it's convenient. what should i do???? arrrggghhh.....
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Oh, don't I know how this goes. My beloved Mother is now deceased but the resentment I feel towards my siblings is very much alive. Even though I know that it's unchristianlike to hold grudges and harbor ill feelings sometimes I feel like I just can't let them off the hook so easily.

My Mom's face would light up when my younger brother walked into the room too. He did absolutely nothing to help when she was declining and I was carrying the load. Oh, I beg your pardon...........he did take my mom's
apartment keys for a whole week once (note the sarcasm) and got a wee taste of what was going on. Could not wait to give me back her keys.
Was really useless...........would visit Mom at the nursing home and leave me and my hubs standing there while he decided to whirl her around the place in her wheelchair, expecting us to run after them.

Then there's my sister who did nothing but when she came for a visit would namedrop all the nurses at the care home and critique how I brushed the hair out of Mom's eyes. Really? !!!!!!!

When we had the annual nursing home meeting she was there front and center with pen poised over notepad. But when she didn't know what they were referring to half the time, for instance when they brought up Mom's dysphagia, she looked questioningly at me ..............like I was going to bail her out or something. Uh............No!

Can I give advice on how to deal with the emotions that come up with unhelpful siblings and the way it makes you feel.?The only thing I could say is remember that you are in the right and they are not. Small comfort at times but ................oh well.
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The way I deal with my brothers is I don't. I'm friendly to them. They are always welcome when they come. Their relationship to their mother is between them and her. I don't blame them for staying away, since ours has never been a close family. I do wonder at one who is a very devout Christian. One thing he teaches the children is to honor their father and mother. He rarely visits and never offers any help. He calls sometimes, but never talks at all. It is very strange. I figure it will be between him and God in the end. For myself, I have to deal with a lot of mental things here that would probably would have even driven Job crazy. My brothers are not something I think about much. One of my SILs is rather rude to my mother, so I don't think there's a lot of love going on there. They don't really understand dementia. Maybe they think she is possessed by demons or something. Who knows what goes on in the minds of people?

Personally I just hope the Great Spirit will give me strength to make it through all this and maybe grant a bit of happiness on the other side. My mother has lost her mind almost completely now, so it's rough. I've started trying to bring a little heaven to earth in my thinking to help me get through things. Feeling bad about my brothers just upsets me, so would just make things worse. When things get too bad I've selected a place for Mom. As long as there is a place for her to go when needed, I don't worry about brothers.
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It's kind of a comfort to me to see so many answers here. I thought my siblings were the worst! I am the oldest and have a brother and a sister. Our parents are in their mid-80's and mom has dementia. My brother visits mom about every two months or so and that's it. He does remember their birthdays and etc. My sister hasn't been in contact with any of us for over 4 years. Not a card or phone call or visit...nada. So, basically, my brother and sister are useless and they can't be counted on to help our parents. My husband and I do what we can for both of my parents. I am cordial to my brother but am pretty blunt with him sometimes...not that it does any good. My sister, I have pretty much written off. I really don't care what her reason is, I will never forget how she has treated our parents and has totally disregarded their feelings and needs. Angry? You bet! But I need my energy to help my parents right now. I will forgive them both for this but I will never forget...
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My only sibling is my brother.
It is worse than useless.

He never showed up when the situation was totally out of control. I dropped everything in N.C. To come to Colorado.

He made a few phone calls.

Then, when Dad died...he shows up to demand "his" inheritance. The will left it all to Mom..and besides, it was all protected from probate...having been transferred to Mom long since.

Useless brother was going to contest that. His plan was to grab as much money as he could and leave Mom with nothing if he could.

I don't call him. Whenever he contacts me, I am in dread that he might decide to come here.

I prefer no contact with him.
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I come from the other side - the dark side (may the 4th be with you). My sister is a stay at home mom with a 4 year old daughter. I have a 60 hour / week job with travel and a 7 year old.

She had our mom stay with her for about a year. I suggested, that based on our knowledge of mom's personality and her needs, that this would get stressful quickly and that a good senior living was a better option.

NO DISCUSSION - "it will work out, you are being negative, etc etc etc" I sat my sister and her husband down and told them - when it gets bad, and it will, do NOT come to me and expect me to take over. Senior living would be the answer (she really does not need AL). They ignored me - i didn't know what i was talking about, they would love having her in the home -etc.

Fast forward two months - they are both bit$#ing at me for NOT having her live with me for a week here or there to "give them a break". I reminded them of our discussion. I did spend time with mom and have her with me every week - but we don't have a guest space for extended over nights. She was probably with us two evenings a week and either all day Saturday or all day Sunday. I reminded them that senior living was an option. They wouldn't discuss anything but me taking her for several weeks and i can't and won't. My mom would seriously drive me batty.

After a year - mom moved herself out as the hostility between all of them got pretty intense. My sister is just starting to get over her resentment toward me.

My point is - if you go in to care-giving with out all the siblings on board then complain when they don't help - it is unfair. Perhaps we have a less rosy view of the personalities and needs involved.

I expect to get flamed for this - so flame away.
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I could go into all the personal issues my brother has, but I'm not going to do that, I did at first think he'd help at least a little, even though I questioned his ability to cope with helping. I'm way past that now, frustrated I was, not anymore. Caregivers who last and go beyond just opening the door for someone, are stronger than most, they're more selfless than the average person. I've accepted the fact just because you're family, doesn't mean your sibling is like you. I can't count how many times I wish I had more than one sibling, if there had been, maybe there'd be one who would step up beside me. My brother and I could not be more different, I've always been self reliant and my brother was always dependent on our parents. For that reason he can barely take care of himself.

I deal with my frustrations in the end and the lack of help, by knowing that I've done what's right, if this were reversed and I had been alone, and say I got really sick and both my parents were alive and well, and they had to take care of me, I know they would have done the best they could do for me, I would get the same care from both my mom and dad that I gave my mom when she was ill and passed, and that I am giving my dad now. I know in the end that I've done right by them because it's what they would have done by me. As for the day to day routine, I keep a schedule, I keep everything on a schedule as much as possible no matter what, because being one person, if I don't keep everything on a schedule, I would be jumping from one task to the next and never knowing where anything was or what was going to happen next. If you have no help, you have to be really really organized in your care giving. If all else fails and I do need extra help, I'll call a neighbor, but that is rare. I'm taking care of my dad alone, I have two adult children, one is single fighting cancer, and the other is married and has serious health issues. I often help them as well. I could easily be bitter, I refuse to be, that's not what life is for.
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Kimber - you are so right! Family members often expect other family members to bail them out of their bad decisions. Rather than listening to the words coming out of your mouth, your sister chose to ignore them and probably figured that, in the future, she could manipulate you into helping her out. Good for you for standing up for yourself and establishing healthy boundaries in the first place. More people would do well to have the hard discussions and make the tough choices at the outset rather than jump into caregiving out of a misplaced sense of guilt, fear, and/or obligation.

Caregiving must work for everyone involved. Period.
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Kimber,

I am actually in agreement with you. I took this on and I don't expect any help fro my siblings. Not respite care or anything. I resent... no, hate, my brothers not because they won't pitch in but because they have abandoned my mother. I hate them for that and I hate her for still loving her golden boys even though they are pieces of _______.

I signed up for this knowing that there would be no help and I am OK with that. That was my choice. But only using her as an ATM and giving nothing back was not what I signed up for.
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mom2mom - your brothers sound like real pieces of #$%#. There really is no excuse for not at least visiting her not to mention stop the fleecing already. What is it with moms and sons? My sister's MIL is almost 80 and every month two of her sons (not my BIL) completely clean her out of her pension and social security. They need it for the grandkids (she can't say no) but spend it on big screen TVs, gas, trips etc. She knows she is being used, she vents about it, but each and every time she gives in to them.

Mom2mom - bless you for what you are doing for your mom. Did she raise them to be this way? I picture her enabling them over the years.
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I totally blame her. She did enable them and made them this way. I told her once, years ago, that she failed as a parent. As parents, our one and only job is to raise children into self sustaining adults and she didn't do that.
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My stepmom has been the mom to me and I love her dearly. She always told me that parenting well means putting yourself out of a job.
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Annabelle, I'm sorry to be answering your question with a question; but I think what matters is what sort of relationship do you want to have with your brother and sister in the future?

I think it's a pity when previously solid families split apart over caregiving and inheritances - those are the tragedies. When families that already had serious fault lines in them (like mine) disintegrate it seems more natural, maybe even inevitable.

But it's not mandatory. You don't have to let caregiving destroy your other relationships if they matter to you and you want to preserve them. So, what do you think?
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Kimber, I am not going to flame you for your opinions. You have a right to them. But, I will say that no matter who steps up to the plate when it's time, where is the love? I never had expectations of my siblings as far as what they should or shouldn't do. But if you love someone like they always claimed they did with my Mom, then it shouldn't be a matter of whether they should help or not but a matter of where is this love in action. I was taking care of Mom long before it became a serious situation. I did it out of love, not a sense of duty. Love without actions is just words in my opinion.

When you love you do...............Don't bawl at the funeral and say how great Mom was and how much you loved her when you couldn't be bothered to help her when she needed it. Just my opinion.
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I know these decisions in families are very tough. We all have different perspective about what one is willing or not willing to do. As the oldest in my sibling group, my parents needed me from an early age. Like Gershun I started helping before things escalated in their medical situation.

My mother got cancer before I turned 30. I had to help with my mom's appointments. Then my dad had his stroke before I turned 40 and I had to help him till he passed. It wasn't easy but like Gershun said in my family love meant actions. I paid the bills, maintained the house, bought the groceries, managed appointments, change the light bulbs whatever it took. It was my way to show love. They say grief is the price of love, if that is true, I hope my dad knew he was deeply loved.
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I really like the "love means actions" comment from Gershun. I'm trying to read through everything carefully but i'm really tired right now. I really appreciate the response to my initial question about how to deal with deadbeat siblings. it is a comfort to know I am not alone. for me, it comes down to this is mom or dad to all of the siblings and I think all of the kids should contribute equally in their parents care unless one person or two or whatever can and wants to do the whole thing themselves. I know this isn't the way it works but I feel it should be. I guess I have to get over that fantasy and face the reality of this. but it causes me great bitterness. my family is very dysfunctional so I don't have much to lose. I wasn't even speaking to my brother or sister before my mom had her stroke. and then it seemed we all pulled together for a minute but as time when on (like few weeks) I was the only one willing to take responsibility for trying to keep her safe and keep her from being alone. so I feel abandoned by my siblings and betrayed and used. even though both have contributed somewhat it's not enough to keep me from being in mental, physical and financial danger due to taking on the majority of caring for mom. it really hurts me that they don't seem to care if I crash and burn trying to help/save the mom who is all of ours and not just mine! and it is really complicated by the fact that I don't get along with either of them that well in the first place. I don't know why it is so hard for me to let go of the idea that all of us should be contributing equally either through time, effort, money or whatever and just helping each other out. it's weird though that after writing and talking a lot to people about this situation I think on a very small scale I am starting to accept the reality of it. I am still very angry but I think my expectations of my siblings are starting to be lower. frankly, I feel like maybe they just don't have it in them to care that much and that is actually kind of sad. the other thing that bugs me is that my mom seems to like and care for us all equally even though her other kids are in many ways treating her like crap. i'm not going to give up but this is a very rough and confusing road to be on right now.
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For your own sanity, you have to let it go. It is not worth getting angry with them, they will never change. It is far easier for your siblings to sit back and do nothing. Don't bother getting angry, it doesn't achieve anything.
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When your siblings are not the ones dealing with the caregiver role...they 1) don't know what is really involved, and 2) do know they don't want to know.

I just expect the level of selfishness to be past all decency, and knowing that, avoid any real conversation with my only sibling.

Fortunately for me..whatever Mom's opinion might be..she is completely unable to express it. So, I never get her telling me about my "wonderful" brother...she cannot put that into words...so I'll never have to hear that at Least!
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There is another thing to consider. Sometimes when we are feeling angry at our siblings, we are really angry about the situation we are in. Caregiving can go on a long time and can take a lot out of a caregiver. Perhaps a good thing to do, rather than get angry at siblings, is to figure out another plan so that everyone's needs are met.
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I'm the one grabbing the bull by the horns & only 1 sister stepped up for 1 overnight a week. Since I'm the one doing the work, deciding what needs to be done & how then I agree they are not obligated to help. I'm sure some think she'd be better off in a home & some think she doesn't need 24hr care. Others are concerned about the inheritance. I've decided to reverse mortgage the home to keep her in it as long as I can. Using the money to hire the help they could give. 4 are retired/disabled under 62 and capable of sitting with her. She's not much physical work yet. Since in the 70 days I've moved in only 1 has been any help I feel spending their future inheritance on her present care is the best solution. Not asking them for help, not asking their opinions, not justifying my decisions. Hopefully this will lead to not resenting them for this. That's my solution but I've yet to implement it & I'm still learning & researching. Thanks to everyone who shares knowledge & experience.
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Your not alone, I have 2 brother's our mom just recently passed away and the whole time she was sick with COPD and being a CO2 retainer I got no help. She had a bad episode shortly before being diagnose, it was a fall that made me have to call 911, I did and they were able to bring her back but my oldest brother called me up while I was getting ready to go to the hospital and ripped me a new one because I let our mom get that bad. I never did anything to let her get that bad I just cared for her. I found her unconscious while having my at the time 5 year old daughter to watch out for. After that both my brothers blamed me for her health, and blamed her for not caring for herself better and only came around for 30 minutes or so for Holiday's. In the time my mom was sick over (last 3 of 8) I had to call 911 for her over 30 times total, my brothers came a handful of times to see her only if she was in the hospital during a holiday, other then that they were never around they usually were on vacation in vegas or someplace elaborate. The night before she passed away she turned grey on my dad, daughter and myself and I brought her too I called my brothers and for once they actually came because it was close to the "end" and they wanted to say goodbye. One was there when she passed away the other was late because of God only knows but whatever I was there for her for 8 years through the good and the bad. Don't be surprised once your loved one passes for your siblings to be around for the first month but go back to the way things were. It's been less then 2 months and my brothers hardly text me haven't been by at first they were all "we need to get together once a month" ext but we did one get together and that was that. I'm still living with my dad and daughter helping my dad cope and caring for him because he isn't in the greatest health but my brothers learned nothing from our mom passing. I'm very very bitter and angry with them for basically leaving me alone all these years. It doesn't go away after your loved one passes and I have learned just leave well enough alone I don't "need" them. The night my mom passed away my oldest brother looked at me and said "just think, you'll take care of dad, then me and then our other brother" I replied "no I won't that's why you have wives, I put my life on hold for mom I'm not about to for you too" I'm very angry and hurt with my family and all the counselors tell me to let it go how can you when your life was your parent and your brothers are who they are. I would love to tell you it goes away but it doesn't you just learn to live without them.
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Mom2mom that was one of my brother's he wanted a service or a "stage" as you said to show his grief weeks before she passed he demanded a service. Because he needed "closure". We ended up giving in or I should say my dad did. It was all for show he doesn't come around much or text me he did the first month after that I'm just his sister I guess.
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Mom2mom's mother passed away this weekend. She let us know on another thread. I am sad that she is going to be having to work through things in the next week. Having dysfunction in the family makes everything harder.
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I am so sorry to hear that I just lost my mom in March my condolences. Thank you for the update Jessie.
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It's the anniversary of my Mom's death on Tuesday. I'm going to the park where we have a bench dedicated to her and my late brother. I was going to ask a sibling to come but changed my mind. They know when she died. They can do what they want.
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