My 89 year old mother with dementia lives with my husband and I and I am feeling so tired and resentful towards my sister who lives in the same town and does not call or come around to help. My mother is exhausting and I have zero support and feel so overwhelmed and tired. I wake up crying everyday and go to bed crying. My dad passed away a year ago and my mom went down pretty quick. I feel like I am dealing with grief on top of grief watching my mom go down. She is very stubborn and sometimes very mean and moody which I am learning is part of dementia. I just want to run away and never come back most days. I just need to vent and hope to get into a support group ASAP. It helps reading the sites and understanding that I am not alone even though I feel so alone. I am feeling so angry with my sister who has pretty much checked out and have such mixed feeling about caring for my mom. I keep saying I will do it until I can't anymore but my health is suffering. I can not sleep at night and feel so exhausted all the time.
You need to take of Mom.. All your whining and complaining is a loss of energy you need for caring for Mom..
Mom depends on you and you need to move past the siblings for now..
But remember you can always vent here! Just remember to leave it at the door when caring for your mother..
I can understand my Mom's dementia brain better than I will ever understand my siblings selfishness!!!
You cannot control your sister. Her life, her decisions. After you've tried reasoning and persuasion all of the rest of the emotion you spend on her relationship to your mother is a waste of your time and emotional energy. Few caregivers of persons with dementia have any emotional energy to spare on things that won't make any difference anyway.
You can control your decisions about what care is best for your mother and for you. That is a huge topic to focus on. You cannot control your sister's decisions. Let that topic go. After Mom is gone if you have excess emotional energy you can revisit you attitude toward Sis. For now, focusing on things that will make a difference is enough.
Captain, you are right on the mark, some folks are not cut out to be caregivers and so they stay away. That's fine, I know nobody wants to look stupid. You can't fix stupid. You can't hide it by staying away, either.
We each make a decision on how much we can do for our parents. You sound like you stepped up to the plate, Sue. Taking care of someone with dementia is not easy as they progressively lose their capabilities. There comes a point where we might not be able to do it anymore. This point varies among carers. If you feel that your mother is becoming more than you can handle, maybe you and your sister could discuss options together. This may get her more involved and also give you a window to look through about what changes would be best for all involved.
Others can handle it to the end. They are a special breed of people. I don't know if I would be able to do it. I already have choices of good care facilities lined up in the event they are needed. Planning for the future is empowering, because you know the right help will be there if needed.
Forgive the rambling. I just one day figured out that it was Mom and me alone and I had to make plans for anything that might happen. I know that one of my brothers will show up at the hospital and the other will show up at the funeral. That is just how it is when it comes to people making choices.
I don't know how old you are, but I care for my mom (who has dementia and congestive heart failure...special diet) and have for a year. She's 87. I'm 67. I wish I was 20 years younger, it would be SO much easier.
It's darned HARD. And sometimes I just don't think I can do it anymore. But I know if I start throwing myself a pity party? I'll never stop. So I choose not to.
I'm an only, Sue. My significant other is a wonderful man. I don't ask him to do TOO much for mom because he works part-time . . . and because, well, she's my mom. I'm her legs and hands and feet. Her cook. Her chauffeur...Her butt wiper; her valet; and, well, I'm her everything.
Frankly, with only ME responsible for it? I do it exactly the way I want and NEED to do it. I don't have to coordinate with a sister/brother. Oh, it'd be nice; don't get me wrong -- if it was a "Waltons" kind of relationship. But, let's face it. They hardly ever are. I'm content doing it alone because I can do it my way. I don't have to listen to advice from someone popping in and out of our lives once or twice a week for 5 hours offering up a bunch of "shoulds". I manage mom to my convenience and ease. (That's kind of a joke, really, but you know what I mean.)
I spend her money to make her life easier -- and my life easier -- and there's nobody telling me I'm taking advantage or should be doing things differently. I'm glad I don't have a sibling sticking their not-always-friendly nose into our business in this house.
So. The reason I said all that is to remind you that, if your sister WERE more involved? You might have a whole brand new set of problems. You're doing what you're doing out of love. For the woman who gave you life. What can be more noble a calling?
And. If it gets too much? You throw in the towel and make other arrangements for your mom's care with your head held high. Know why? Because you love her enough to have tried.
My biggest issue now, even more than all the cleaning, lifting, wiping, cleaning, lifting, wiping...is the watching and watching and helpless waiting...of seeing the strongest most independent woman I have ever known slowly decline and leave me...It has been three years now and for some reason the past month or so has really done a number on me.
I agree with Maggie re the issue with non helping siblings sometimes being a blessing in that there is no reason to do things any way other than how you want to do them. I have finally started doing that. I do what Mama needs and do it in a way that will help her the most, and at the same time in a way that is best for me...no one helps me, I do get some 'sage advice" now and then from do nothings who pop in just long enough to sling out some words of wisdom and I have finally learned to let their advice go in one ear and out the other.
I feel catatonic most of the time, but going into this, looking back, I could have predicted that what is going on is exactly what would be going on...People are shallow, self absorbed and incompassionate, particularly when it is not their immediate loved one..and all too often even when it IS their Mother, Father, etc. ...I expect nothing from anyone, and I am not disappointed. Mama seems happy enough...every now and then I have glimpses of her..but not nearly as often as it used to be...It's hard to understand how someone who is still right here can seem so far away...Life just is what it is...do the best you can, get help if you need it...and take care of yourself
The meanness will pass, but it is replaced by a deeper confusion that requires minute to minute care. Remember that 30% of caregivers die before their patients do and that is just not fair to you or YOUR children. Get her a safe place with lots of staff.
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