How to deal with very religious aunt?
My Mom is an atheist--she has been one since shortly after my brother died 25 years ago. For comfort, she decided to read the Bible cover-to-cover, and when she was done she didn't believe in it anymore.
I am also an atheist, but came to it through a different route. I learned of my Mom's newfound loss of faith because I wanted to call her and taunt her with MY lack of faith--as kids will do--about 20 years ago. When I told her I was an atheist she said, "You know, I am too. It just doesn't make sense to me." And then she told me how she had come to that determination.
So that's the background, just to set up that I am in no way responsible for my Mom's atheism.
My mother has a sister, my aunt, who is VERY religious. However, my mother never told her that she was an atheist because she didn't want to hurt he feelings--but she did tell my aunt that I am an atheist. So, as far as aunt is concerned, I am the evil heathen bad influence.
My aunt is very demanding about what I must do for my Mom--including having chaplains visit--preferably Lutheran. I'm fine with that, as my Mom is in hospice care and the guy they sent was very cool and doesn't proselytize--just chats with my Mom. I should note that the aunt never offers to contact and send a chaplain--I have to do that. I'm also supposed to read her Bible verses. . .
The last time she visited, I came home from a hair appointment to find a cross nailed to my Mom's bedroom wall. My Mom's aide described how she had brought her own nail, but couldn't find a hammer, so she had helped them look for a hammer after my Mom said it was okay. (The aide knows my Mom is not religious)
I came home to find this giant thing that had made a huge hole in the plaster wall. My aunt jumped up quickly to explain that my Mom said it was okay. Well, OF COURSE she said it was okay--she has dementia, for one, and also doesn't want to offend her sister. But even when my Mom was a believer, she NEVER had crosses on the walls.
When her sister left, my Mom told me to "take that thing down." So I did, and put a little picture there. But EVERY time aunt calls, she asks my Mom about the cross. So I said, very loudly, that Mom had asked me to put it on her bedside table so she could hold it. Now I will have to make sure to get it out of the drawer every time aunt comes to visit, lol.
So here's the dilemma. I have no problem with people of faith--nor does my Mom. But my aunt seems to think i am putting atheist cooties all over my Mom or something, and her religious demands are getting oppressive. It's not like I don't have enough to do without arranging clergy visits also. So, should i tell my aunt that my mom has not been religious for 25 years?
I am tempted to tell my aunt that my mother was an atheist a long time ago--before I was. But I don't want to hurt her, and she also might not believe me because Dementia Mom might contradict me.
Sigh.
People of "Faith" sometimes have a hard time believing there are people of no faith and want to save us fron the fires of hell. Fine. But at some point you have to set the record straight. It's always a judgement call as to whether it's worth the hassle to demand your right not to believe, or in you case your mothers right not to believe.
Now, on to the religious question...this is a bit more convoluted. I am VERY adamant that a person's religion should be respected. Which is why when my Irish Catholic mother passed...I made SURE a Catholic priest was called to administer the last rights before the life support was removed. I made sure she was buried according to her very strict Catholic beliefs...no autopsy (and I fought the medical examiner on this), wearing her glasses in the casket, Irish wake, burial inside of a sarcophagus, etc...all things I do not believe in...but she did and I made sure that every detail was to her liking and accordance with her wishes.
Having said that, your mom was a self declared Atheist (and the part about you sprinkling your Atheist cooties is freaking HILARIOUS). I personally believe that as her caring son, and as her POA, you have a duty to ensure that your mom's beliefs are respected. And if that means telling your Aunt the truth that your mom was afraid to do for so many years, so be it. This is YOUR mother and you know exactly what she wants. Make sure to honor that. Having all these relics around her seems ridiculous...even for someone who is devout. Your aunt just seems like she is reaching for something that's missing in her own life. This is about your mom and her comfort in her last days and you have every right, and every duty to make this peaceful for her and in line with her beliefs. For me, personally, catering to your aunt by hiding the cross and taking it out, and all the other things, is not healthy for you, not right for your mother....just plain unnecessary.
Angel
You have enough to deal with!!
If Aunt asks just tell her the truth, Mom asked to take it down..
End of story!
In this case auntie is acting appropriately to the best of her knowledge. Of course she should respect her sister's belief system, but how can we reasonably expect that when she has never been told it has changed since their shared childhood? This is not a situation where a relative is coming in and trying to convert the dying person or taking advantage of the dementia. Auntie has no reason to think her sister does not share her beliefs.
For reasons probably only known to herself, Mom has decided not to tell her sister of her new outlook on life. She has maintained that position for a quarter of a century. I think it would be wrong to "out" her now. I think it would be wrong to criticize Aunt for doing what she thinks is best.
All of this puts the poster in an awkward situation. I am surely sorry about that. No, I don't think daughter needs to agree to read bible passages or call in clergy. Daughter knows mom's true feelings and needs to respect them. But daughter also knows mom's secret that auntie doesn't know, and really needs to respect her mother's choice not to tell her.
The present situation is a consequence of your mother keeping her spiritual views secret from some parts of her family. Her choice. Respect it. Unfortunately that leaves you, grumpyotter, looking like the bad guy. I'm truly sorry about that, but I hope you can rise above that for your mother's sake.
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