At what point to you make the decision that you elderly parent cannot live alone? My mom is 88, very controlling, bitter and smothering. We convinced her to move to the town we live in three years ago, two years after my dad passed away, due to the fact that I was having to travel three and half hours every time she got sick, which became very frequent. We found an extremely nice independent senior apartment complex for her to move to. She lived there a year and hated it, she refused to do any of the activities, go on any of the day trips or let them take her to doctors appointments. She insisted she would be happier in a duplex and it would be cheaper. So two years ago she moved into a duplex. I explained to her when she made this move that she would be all alone and never see anyone. That is exactly what has happened. She never sees anyone except me and my children. We are all very busy with jobs and school. I work and spend my half day off with her, we go to lunch and do whatever she wants to, shopping, beauty shop, doctor, etc. She insist now that me and my husband spend our weekends with her also. I have explained that on the weekends we have things we have to do as well as thing we want to do. She gets very angry when we go anywhere without her, even dinner. She continues to say that we could spend the weekend with her. She has had to go to the doctor at least once or twice a week for weeks now and I am having to take off work to take her. She continues to say that she never asks me to do anything for her. She cannot even call the doctor's office on her own. I call all her prescriptions in, make all her appointments and take her everywhere. I have contacted social services and she qualifies for numerous amounts of help. She refuses all of it. She insists that I can continue to do it all. She wants to move in with me and my family. This simply isn't an option due to her personality and attitude, she would not only drive us all crazy but it would probably end my marriage because she doesn't respect the fact that I have a marriage and we need time as a couple. She can be very hateful and verbally abusive to me. She has not been diagnosed with dementia but I strongly feel there is some dementia going on. She has no money and cannot afford an assisted living. I just don't know what options I have. She has refused all the help that we could have received and I am beginning to get extremely angry and resentful. She is a professional at making me feel guilty. This is affecting my life in such a negative way and I don't know what to do. Any suggestions are greatly appreciated.
I had previous to reading this book cut ties with my mother. I was constantly getting hurt by her selfish, underhanded remarks. She knew what she was doing and didn't care. A narcissist has to be in control. Shortly after I read this book my mother had a little medical scare (so far her health has been perfect). So after all was over and she was home I called her and was able to remain cool and calm. In control of my emotions. Why? Because something clicked for me. And I know no matter what I do, it will never be right or good enough. The difference is I don't care. I have learned to disengage, totally.
Now I can call, occassionally, and just let her comments roll over me. I don't care. I know you live nearer your mother than I do but the problem is the same. Learn how to disengage with her, put up boundaries and stop this mental abuse. You will feel much better for it.
Let us know how you are doing. I know it is not easy - took me years to draw the boundaries I have now, but better late than never. More ((((((((hugs)))))))) Joan
My mom also acts as if I am her sole source of socialization and entertainment. I've had to limit myself to what I do. She lives with us. If I have to spend more "quality" time with her one week, say for medical reasons, then the next week I spend a little less time planning things for us to go out and do together.
I'm learning (I've been caregiving for a year) that I can't manage or control her feelings - her happiness, her mental state, or alleviate boredom for her. If she is unhappy about the situation, there's not much I can do about it. She didn't plan ahead at all. As long as she is safe, warm, and fed, I've done a lot.
Sometimes talking to a therapist can help you learn to set boundaries.
MIL has suffered from sudden illness and while we will have to move into the apartment we built above their home when we shoveled the hoarding out we have promised both of his parents (who can't stand each other) that we will be there to cook/clean/etc their social life is their own responsibility. Guess what they say now? They wish they would have listened to us both... Adult or Senior Centers have the best plays, music, programs for their generation. Socialization is key...don't let a selfish person, even family, determine your life. Stand firm and make boundaries, she may pout and sit alone for a few weeks, but that's her choice, not yours. Best of luck to ya
Unfortunately, when the elderly did not plan for their future care it falls on us. as children, to be the adult and make the right decisions both in Mom's interest and ours.
It is a hard decision but you can't sacrifice your health and family. Seeing that Mom is well cared for and safe is about all you can do at this point. Like mine, your Mother will not be happy wherever she is; so we just love them and be their advocate.