Talking with my mom can be difficult. She has always been mentally ill but add dementia in the mix and she can be explosive. I am generally very accommodating. When she is paranoid, I just nod and listen. When she calls 10 times a day, I usually don't tell her that I am bothered. Talking about my feelings about what she is doing turns into a tantrum that lasts for days. I learned early in life that it was easier to deal with her behavior than with her wrath. We all walked on eggshells growing up and now it is worse. Recently when she kept calling all day long to chat, I told her several times that I was busy and would call her back. She would call back immediately to chat again. Boundaries really don't matter much to her. She isn't forgetting she called. She just doesn't care. I finally told her this has to stop and she spent the next several days in a tantrum, calling to tell me how much of a bad daughter I am and her paranoia was through the roof. She is over it now and wants to come visit Sunday through Wednesday of next week. Honestly I don't think my stress level can handle her visiting that long. I have 3 children under the age of 10 who will be starting school next week and my husband is out of town so I am single parenting for another week.
When she is here, it is like adding a very paranoid, easily offended child who demands my constant attention to an already busy household. Her visiting is fine as long as my husband is here to help with the kids while I tend to her. Next week is a terrible time for a visit. At first I didn't say anything and just let her plan the visit. The way I felt was a sick dread and like I'd been punched in the gut was the best way to describe it. She even asked me if next week was fine and I said yes. She kept saying "I know next week will be busy..." After knowing her my whole life, I knew what she was doing. If I say next week is inconvenient, she will tell everyone I won't allow her to visit or see the grandkids and throw another tantrum. That's why I didn't say anything at first. After hanging up and thinking about it, I bit my lip and called her back. I told her that tomorrow through Friday would be better since next week would be so busy. As expected, she hit the roof. She began to cry and said "I can't even see my grandkids????" I told her that is not what I am saying, I am telling her that this week is better because we won't be so busy. She starts yelling "Don't change your damn plans because of me!!!!" She told me she was offended and hurt, etc, etc, etc. Like I said, my brother and I learned early on to walk on eggshells with her. I am beginning to dread every day because of the phone calls about who all in the family is doing her wrong, what I have done to upset her, what my brother has done to upset her, and on and on. Every day it is something new about how I am not treating her well enough. And to be honest I could do better but her behavior makes me not want to talk to her. She was a teacher and was well respected in our community so it makes me doubt myself. No one else sees this side of her so when she tells people I "won't allow her to visit or see the grandkids", they believe her and get angry with me. Has anyone else ever dealt with this and how did you handle it? There is no winning.
Have you ever sought counseling or therapy to help you deal with these issues? There are techniques you can learn to make it a bit easier, but in part, you need to realize that your mom isn't going to take your needs and desires into account. All that matters to her is HER. It's called narcissism.
When dealing with a narcissist, you need to be prepared not to care what they think or say about you. Hard to do when it's your mom and harder still when she spreads untruths about you to others.
I would start out by setting a limit on her ridiculous phoning. Answer one call a day and let the rest go to voicemail. Yes, she'll blow up. That's her problem.
It is ok for you to set boundaries with Mum. It will be challenging as you and your brother have walked on eggshells for many years and did everything you could to avoid the tantrums. Instead of avoiding them, set boundaries and let her pitch a fit. Hang up on her when she is abusive. Ignore what she tells others about you and your family. If anyone challenges you on what Mum says, you can say well she saw the kids last week and I asked her if she would like to see them again before the kids go back to school.
If she calls and wants to chat, chat if you are free to do so. If she calls back after you tell her it is not a good time, do not answer the phone. Caller id is your friend. There is no rule that you have to answer the phone every time it rings.
Me, I would not allow her in my home. You and your kids should have a home where you are not attacked, provoked or otherwise abused. Yes, this is abuse by your mother.
I would tell my mom, you're right you can't see MY KIDS until you can behave like a civilized human being and treat me with respect and courtesy and since you tell everyone that I won't let you see MY KIDS, well we don't want you to be a liar.
She is a nasty manipulator and you can tell her to grow up or leave you alone.
Good luck, dealing with a narc is awful, but you can do it!
You have received some good advice so far. I too, grew up with a mentally ill mother, though yours seemed to function better. My mother was never able to maintain a job.
There were several things that I wanted to comment on.
First, I imagine you are fairly young as you have three children under ten. How old is your mother?
I was intrigued by the fact that your mother had a career as a teacher and was well respected. So, obviously, she was able to control herself at school but unleashed crazy at home. I have several members of my extended family like this. No one outside of the family could imagine how they behave at home!
You say that you are generally “accommodating” and that you and your brother “walked on eggshells” around her growing up, and it is evident you still do.
When you were a child, that was an understandable coping strategy in order to deal with a scary parent, but you are an adult now with strength and power. You have options that you didn’t have when you were a frightened, vulnerable child. You no longer have to accommodate her every whim or walk on eggshells with her. In fact, I think that doing so creates entitled bullies. It perpetuates the behavior. No human should be catered to like that. It’s destructive for them and crazy-making to you. You don’t mention a father. Where was he in this dynamic? Did you learn this from him?
You don’t have to answer her every call. You don’t have to have an unwanted houseguest who is already being taken care of in her assisted living home. You don’t have to alter your behavior for fear of what she will say about you. Repeat to yourself, “What anybody says about me is none of my business”. You don’t have to suffer emotional abuse as you did as a child. Your children are watching you and learning how to make their way in the world.
Come here often for support. I am so glad you did, but please look into counseling to learn how to react and be with your mother. Change will not happen overnight. You have already taken a big step by reaching out for help. I am praying for you and sending you a big hug. A day well-lived has the power to work backward in time to heal the wounds of the past.
I hope the link works - see if any of that sounds familiar? If so, some professional advice may be needed to really get started & to practice.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/5-types-people-who-can-ruin-your-life/201803/are-you-target-blame-borderline-personality
She had owned her own private kindergarten when I was a child and as far as I remember, that worked out well. Everyone one knew her and respected her. She closed the school years later and began teaching in public schools. I remember her complaining to me about how her principal had written on her evaluation that she has problems with emotions and self control. That infuriated her so she demanded to speak to the superintendent. She said that when she did, the superintendent asked her if she had a "psychological problem." She was always at odds with every principal at every school she worked at, was always looking for a new job and forever threatening to sue them. These are only the things she has told me. I'm sure there was more I didn't know about.
She called me back last night and told me that I owe her an apology for some unknown reason and that I "make her sick." That was the last straw. I have blocked her number for a while.
Thank you for the update. So she wasn’t actually able to keep up a facade at work either. I am glad you will be getting some relief by blocking her number. Nobody should have to suffer that harassment all day long. I suspect she causes trouble in her assisted living also.
In giving advice on this forum, we are limited by the brief information that the poster gives us. There is always so much more to the story, and I love when a poster returns to give feedback. Sometimes, someone will ask a question and get dozens of replies and we never hear any more from them. I know that it is still a useful post because there might be someone reading it that can benefit from the discussion. I know I do!
Your mother should be getting most of her needs met in the assisted living facility in which she resides. It is understandable that she would like a relationship or contact with her daughter, but you get to decide the parameters of that contact. It could be one phone call a day with a hangup if she starts the abuse. One day visits instead of several days. You might even decide to bring the grandkids to visit her instead of her coming to you. At the first sign of a tantrum, you leave. Any changes you make to your relationship in which you set boundaries are going to be met with resistance. It will get worse before it gets better, but persevere! She will rant and rave, but so what? Remove yourself and your family from the line of fire temporarily. As a busy wife and mother with three children, you get to decide how much contact you have.
Or, you know, just continue to be the door mat she wipes her feet on as she comes and goes.
Jenn, I am thankful that your mother doesn't live with you. I feel quite sorry for those in her Assisted Living facility, in all truth. It is time now to know that you are in charge of your own life, it is time to recognize that your life is your own, and that you are deserving of a decent life. Not everyone in life is worth sacrificing a whole lot for. I don't know how much of your mother's behavior is psychotic and how much is dementia, but to be frank, at this point that really doesn't matter. Please do not continue to accept this abuse in your life.
As I said, no argument. NO argument. When she says you are an awful person just tell her that "yes, that may well be true". And get on with your life. The decision is yours.
Great job blocking her number. She crosses the line because she knows that she can, her knowing has just been shot down. Hopefully she will get it, but I don't think so. People that buck authority almost never acknowledge that they are not right. My own mom pulled the same crap, if she didn't get her way then everyone would suffer, you do learn that it is easier to let them have it then get trampled on. I quit caring about her tantrums 30+ years ago and she now doesn't have much to say because she doesn't know how to not be manipulative and I hang up when it starts, mostly she plays very nice, however, she is always pushing to see if she can get around my boundaries. It's kinda funny, I will bet my husband what she will do next and I have been right 99.9% of the time. You know your mom, so you can be in control, you know what sets her off and where she goes with things. That is far easier than someone who is completely unpredictable and all over creation.
Hugs, you can do it!