How do you deal with an abusive parent?

Thanks Emjo. It always helps to share in a safe environment. I know many here are experiencing this and worse. Hugs all around. Will try to detach with love.

It's OK liz - you are sharing how you are dealing with the situation with your abusive parent. Please try to detach from the abusive words. (((((((hugs))))))

Just realized I didnt really answer the questioin. Guess I just meant to post but didnt do it correctly. Sorry

My Mom was mostly verbally abusive. She had a bad childhood and I have always tried to understand. My father died in early 2012 and Mom asked me to help her and be in charge as far as settling the estate, setting up her finances, etc. I did and felt we had a new closeness that honestly was very satisfying to me. Lately she has changed to, "I dont care enough about her needs", "only think of myself" and in my opinion has gotten more irrational. She was diagnosed with early dementia many years ago but still does fairly well, is in her own home, drives locally. I think this recent turn of events is doubly hard on me because I feel we had soothed many of the childhood wounds between she and I in the months since my Dad's death. We also seemed to heal some of the emotional wounds that he inflicted by letting me help her with the estate issues versus the usual rule by my brother that Dad enabled. (Long story but hard on the whole family). I guess part of my fear is the loss of the recent better feelings about childhood issues due to the trust Mom had placed in me. I know this is kind of rambling but I had to get it out. Thanks for listening.

Sometimes you just can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear.

I feel for you deeply! I went through this same situation 3 years ago and it caused so much heartache.

First, try to remember -- and god knows, it's almost impossible!! -- that it's the ILLNESS that is being abusive, not the person.

Second: with my experience, my mom got extremely combative, physically abusive, verbally abusive and profane to the point where I wanted to curl up and DIE. I finally called a psychiatric hospital and had her taken there for a week's evaluation. She was suffering from a dual diagnosis of biopolar disease (exacerbated by the general anesthesia she rec'd during a 2nd hip replacement operation) and Alzheimer's. Once put on the proper meds, and I believe she had some mild ECT, she calmed down quite a bit, enough that she was able to return to a nursing home. She is alert, recognizes her family members and has her good days and bad; the staff tells me they adore her (hard to believe!) and I visit as frequently as I can. I keep my visits up to an hour and then leave; I've found any more time just tires her out and makes her nasty. This is the toughest job I've ever had! Then I go home to my parents' house where I live with my 93 yr old dad who suffers from dementia, my lazy husband and my surly, snotty thinks-she-knows-everything 19 year old college daughter. I am counting the days till she gets back to school and relative peace will reign! P.S.: not ONCE has my daughter made a trip to see her grandmother. I barely speak to her because every word out of her mouth is snotty and rude; I have no time for that.

I father was completely abusive before and after going to assisted living. He was eventually medicated with an anxiety medication which calmed him down. Now he has accepted his living environment and is off the medication.

Wow! Jinx, what an awesome and insightful answer. Having realistic expectations really is key, isn't it?

Expectations! Thwarted expectations make us unhappy.

I have served a little time in Al-Anon, for the families of alcoholics. We Al-Anons have a lot to deal with, like lost jobs, broken promises, abuse, embarrassment, ruined holidays. But the biggest source of pain is the idea that "He/She shouldn't do that." When you accept that the drinking alcoholic IS going to act like that, you can respond to it as a fact to be dealt with, not as a surprising and unexpected betrayal.

As children we have the "right" to expect loving, but imperfect parents. Some "bad" parents can grow up and improve. Others never will. You know which category your parents fall into.

Sometimes people giving advice will say, "Wake up and smell the coffee! Look at reality and accept it!" This is what I think they want you to know.

If part of you is still looking for that loving parent that was never or rarely there, you can't free yourself from the suffering. You need to recognize that that wish will NEVER come true. You will NEVER have the loving parent you should have had. That is a tragedy. If you don't accept that reality, the rest of your life will be a tragedy as well.

You don't have to stop wishing, but you do need to stop EXPECTING.

Look at your situation as if it were happening to someone else. What advice would you give a friend who was being treated this way? Don't you deserve the same treatment - respect, freedom from abuse - that you would want for your friend?

Look at your situation as if the person you were caring for was not a stranger. Would you accept the abuse that you accept from your parent? You would not EXPECT this stranger to love you, and you would insist on being treated decently. (Or you should. I know people who do seem to believe that they deserve the nasty treatment that they get from friends, bosses, companies....)

You don't deserve to be treated this way, but you are the only person who has any power to change it. You need to set boundaries BIG Time, to learn to detach your emotions, or to get them out of your house and limit your contact with them. Your parent won't and can't change. When you truly recognize and accept that reality, your pain will be less. If you can believe this, you can make it happen.

I have found from personal experience that most of these hateful, spiteful cruel seniors were hateful, spiteful and cruel young adults who kept their spouses and children under their thumbs and installed so many psychological buttons that they then sit on their little thrones of evil and dictate in their elderly years.
I was in my teens when I started noticing abusive behavior from my grandparents toward my mother who was their caregiver. I started not just looking at the situation that was at hand, but listening to stories I would hear my mom talk about. I then learned this was an emotionally abusive situation that went on for decades. My grandparents have been gone close to 20 years and my mom still asks me, "why" on some things and I tell her, "it's because they were emotionally abusive people who thought they were better than everyone else." Oddly enough, even though my mom knows -- she still will get mad at me for speaking the truth. I suppose that is part of the brainwashing that abusive parents do.
I have seen the same from the relationship with my husband and FIL. My husband had told me about the physically and emotionally abusive household he grew up in before we married. I can see my FIL trying to suck my husband right back into the web now that a care giving situation has been going on.
It is not that they love or trust the caregiver more than others -- it is because they are mean individuals who cannot come to terms with growing older or dying.

Your mother was verbally, mentally and physically abusive while you were growing up, but you hoped it would be a joy to be around her in her time of need. Oh, honey, hope springs eternal, doesn't it?

I am glad you decided you will not put up with hatefulness in your adult years. She does not want you in her home. Leave. If that means she winds up in a nursing home, so be it.

I grew up with both of my adoptive parents being verbal, mentally and physically abusive. I have learned that there was nothing that I could do that would please them, sad lesson to learn at any age.

My Dad has since passed away 23 years ago, but my Mom is still here. Earlier this year she had a stroke and it was then confirmed that she can do almost anything but cook for herself. We tried many different options and everyone of them were displeasing to her. Mom's weight was down to 80 pounds (by her lack of seeing she could not cook proper meals).

So when she ended up in the hospital with the stroke the doctor released her to go home along with prescribing physical therapy, the doctor stated that if my Mom refused the therapy like she did the last time she was going to a nursing home.

Upon hearing that my step-sister and I got Mom into an intense physical therapy hoping that she would get the chance to learn to eat better and also get the therapy that she needed to get strong again. One month later she had gained the weight that she needed and she had the use of her body once again, she does need assistance with the help of a cane or a walker. Our only fear was that her house has stairs and we were afraid she would fall trying to get out of the house.

Mom and I talked about me coming home to help out with some of the stuff that she needed.
I was delighted that I would be able to help Mom and it was a joy to be around her(thought she changed..you know with age and such).

I even thought if her oldest grandchild (33 years old) came to visit for a bit, while I got a job that she would enjoy spending time with him. All I can say is I am very gullible, and maybe I live in fairy tale..it has been a very big mistake.
I left my job, apartment, my two other kids to come back here..now she says that I am not welcome here in her home and that this is not my home (not until she is dead).

I am not sure what I am going to do now..never wanted to see her in a nursing home, but my options are few since I will not be put through her hatefulness in my adult years.

If anyone can give some advice..I would be thankful for it. I am starting to record her when she is being mean and I will begin to look for a doctor that deals with elderly people..but is there anything else I can do?

Thankfully I still have my sense of humor..but my heart is broken.

Eddie...wow, my heart goes out to you. Your mother broke the law and clearly committed child abuse. Whether or not this is ever on legal record or acknowledged, you have no need to ever be connected to your mother in any way.

I hope you have a safe, happy, blessed life free of abuse. I wish the same for myself!!

Peace

After reading all the comments about this issue I realize the best solution is you don't have to deal with it. To me, abusive people are no different than garbage- you dump it in the trash to be be disposed of. I could not control the abuse when I was young, but as an adult I can chose not to put myself in that situation ever again. I have 0% sympathy for abusive parents that are now the "frail elderly". Let them at least experience the loneliness and helplessness from their absentee abused adult children.

Frustratedtoo, I am so glad to hear that you are willing to remove your toxic mother from your home! You want her out, but I don't suppose you are going to pack her bags and park her on the curb. You want her cared for -- just not by you!

Call Adult Protection Services and explain the situation. Ask for their help in protecting your mother from her own impairments, somewhere other than your home.

There is a very long and educational and inspiring thread under Discussions that deals with this very topic. Lisa needed her abusive mother out of her home, and mother was not willing to leave. The thread documents the agencies Lisa dealt with, the evicition notice process, the emotional roller coaster, and much more. It is called "Two years this July my mother has been living with me. She is a mean and hateful woman and I just can't do it anymore." This is proof positive that it can be done. It isn't easy. This is not some theoretical advice or three easy steps to remove your mother from your home. It tells it like it is, as it is happening. Although it is very long, I think you will find it worthwhile.

While your response is appropriate here, I think it will be even more helpful to you to start a new thread, for just this specific topic.

Good luck to you!

How does one get a parent into a nursing home without her consent? The mother is very abusive verbally and emotionally. She has had mental issues all her life and takes medication that she has been on for a long long time. I do not want her in my home any longer but she disagree with a nursing home altogether including any social assistance or community help. Very stubborn and I was considering talking to her doctor to see about some medication, but she probably won't take it. I am at my wits end and can't stand her everyday. She constantly tells me what a horrible daughter, person I am, that I'm a joke, stupid bitch, and criticizes everything I do and say. Can't stand her....I hated her as a child growing up and understand alot more now why as she was so self absorbed with her own issues that there was no room for growth or nurturing. She thinks she has been a good mother, but truly doesn't have a clue. My father enabled her for all her married years and now I have taken over that role. She may be old but she knows what she is saying and doesn't care about being hurtful to me. I do not have any other support from family which is very small and find this extremely difficult.

Husband is in counseling - just started a month ago or so but it is helping some already. I have seen a counselor for over a year and a half now and that has helped too. I suppose I need to conquer and divide how pissed they make me when I am tougher with them and separate their passive aggressiveness from myself. Every day is LONG. Trying. I have hope that they will get used to my being less nice and more blunt about stuff. I think the brother and sister-in-law went through this too or rather I know they did, and then all of the problems were blamed on them, the caregivers at the time, and a big poor me was given to us. I really get sick of it all. Probably a good night sleep will be of some help too.

mom29and2inlaws, stop being so nice. Could you get counselling? And wouldn't that be something ... your husband in counselling to learn to avoid being abusive, and you in counselling to learn to be tougher. :-D Hey, whateve works!

Looking forward to reading all of the replies. I am SOOOO sick of abusive behavior and PTSS is definitely where I am at. Nine kids, husband who learned to abuse but is thankfully getting counseling and help and nine awesome kids. Borderline mom and abusive in-laws who now live with us. I am a 'nice' person so if I set down boundaries they work for awhile and then they don't as the limits are pushed. Ready to pop at the moment.

Frustratedtoo, your post says it: to tolerate abuse is unacceptable. So stop tolerating it. Easier said than done, I suppose, but entirely possible. Are you in counselling?

If you cannot set and enforce tight enough boundaries in your home, than remove her from your home.

It's amazing how one grows up and realizes that no matter how good or how hard they have helped their parents, in the end it was expected and how ungrateful they've been. After my father passed away my mother who had never been alone in her life, always enabled, and never dealth with life on her own, had a wonderful husband who did everything for her, and became ill passed away after a long illness. I was there for both, every weekend, staying after an operation while taking my holidays from work to do this, buying the family home so they could come back to, and taking in my mother after he passed away (she could not afford to be on her own). The abuse increased, to the point where she would humiliate me in public, constant degrading every day, criticism for everything I did or said - living on a daily basis with this is exhausting and now I have come to the point I don't want her around. She apologizes and its the same thing the next day - I realize this was there all my life - it is worse now because she is an unhappy miserable old woman wanted to reflect her unhappiness to me and make me miserable. How kind or a mother! I really can't stand being around her, don't have friends over when she's around as she embaresses me in front of them in my own home. She is nice to everyone else - jeckle and hyde syndrome - she knows what she says and wants to be hurtful. I hate her which is horrible, but how can you not. All I've asked is that she be nice to me, respectful, and somewhat grateful for the all I do for her and the life sacrifices I've made to look after her. Now I want her out of my house, which by the way is the family home that I bought at fair market value. And this is the appreciation I get.
Being a caregiver is never easy, but to tolerate abuse is unacceptable.
Any suggestions????? I've had it with her.

Wow. As often as I hear about other people with this kind of mother I am always amazed that there are 'others' out there. Being a mother myself it has always been astounding how she could possibly not love me. I can't recall that I ever felt warmth from my mother. To compound things, my dad married her 60 years ago at 17 (he was 20) and they dysfunction he sprang from taught him to make up his own lies about reality too. He has stuck by her, sung her praises, is truly if not totally insanely still in love with her. He has also told me all my life how much she loved me even though I could tell, as a kid and teenager, that he knew she was not treating me well or like the rest of my siblings. He just chalked it up to "I just don't understand women" and "you and your mother are exactly alike" (which is not true - I have been much more like him in fact - I look like him, am a business person while she has never held a job, I have been told all my life that I think more like a man as far as reasoning goes (didn't really consider that a compliment but there it is!) while she is an attention seeking drama queen. My husband (2nd one, the first one treated me just like - surprise! - she did) says she complains with her mouth full. I can remember being in my bedroom where she threw me in a rage as a little kid and praying to God that I could say the right thing so she wouldn't hit me or smack my face or be mean to me. She told me at one point in my adult life that she didn't really think that she ever really bonded with me, sort of in the same tone that you would say you just ate a sandwich. She has told my children that she feels sorry for me that they have me for a mother. My son in particular won't go visit them anymore because he and I have a very good relationship and with his wife as well, and they refuse to be around my mother who continues to bad mouth me. My other two kids just have totally stopped talking to them and never visit. Of course, my mother has written to me that I am evil and that I am to blame for the misery 'in your whole family'. She is and has always been on a campaign of smearing me.
I have been though counseling and I understand so much that I did not before (my divorce which was 22 years ago). I never truly knew how badly dysfunctional my family is.
I agree with Eddie, above, who stated that she is afraid of him because she knows he knows how bad she truly is. My mother is a charmer when she wants to be. People think my parents are 'cute' and that it is so wonderful they have been married for 60 years. To me, those 60 years were ones that were particularly at my expense. Neither of my parents protected me. My dad had to believe she was a good person or otherwise he would have had to do something. He also took a few liberties with me that he shouldn't have when I was younger and there of course has been no way for me to receive any empathy or support for that.
Now they are elderly. They are also fairly wealthy. I have been more or less "rumored" three times to be written out of the will. Whenever my mother decides to go on the attack against my unwillingness to let her run right over me, that's when it starts. And the rest of my siblings, who have not experienced her really bad side, although they all are aware it's there, distance themselves. Nobody else wants to be the 'goat'. They also live nearby and I do think the constant exposure to her craziness has numbed them over time. I live away and when I am around it, I am just appalled. The most recent thing was my dad's 80th surprise birthday. My mother did not even invite me, although she did invite my son and his wife. I do believe although they care for him and really seem to like him, it isn't lost on her that he is after all my child and she can't help but feel the need to attack him sometimes just do to the fact. They for instance got there, after driving all night to get to their house and so the next day slept in. My dad got up and threw out the coffee when they weren't awake around 10 am and then berated them, saying things like he didn't see why they even bothered to come at all. So rude. When the party was actually held, my mother was walking around telling people that she wanted to get married again when my father died! At his party! It then got even more bizarre when some of my siblings took sides about whether or not she SHOULD get married again! My son said the party ended and the fight ensued about this topic with alcohol involved. My mother ended up throwing some people out of the house, my dad followed them out asking them to just stay and that she didn't mean what she said and people were crying, etc.! SOOOO glad I wasn't there anyway! Total insanity. Thankfully, I do have other siblings to take care of them in the future. But in protecting my own sanity and self respect, I know one day this is all going to culminate in real ugliness when they die. There will be, I know, bad scenes to come regarding their stuff, money, etc. I don't even want to go to their funerals when the day comes because all of this makes me sick to my stomach. I am grateful for faith and I continually turn to it for solace and to God to help me 'do the right thing'...though with people like this I am not sure what that is.

Macy: How did your son come to live with your mom? You say you can't get all the things out of your mind that your mom wrote to you and that it will ever change your relationships with her. It will never be the same again.

What was your relationship with your mom like before? From all you've said, it seems it was never equal or loving or good. Why don't you end this toxic relationship? What do you get out of it? I ask that question sincerely, because you must get something in order to continue. Do you feel like she loves you for the help you have given her? Have you been willing to give so much more than you get because you need that crumb she might throw your way?

I'm not judging you in any way, just giving you some questions to ponder. I agree, your son needs help. It sounds like your mom spins the same web to keep him close by enabling his addiction. If he is an adult, then he may not be within your reach to help. Do your best, but cut your ties with your mom.

Get some counseling and find the person within you, the real person who does not need to be abused to feel loved.

Best wishes, Cattails.

My mom wrote me an email that hurt me so badly. I will never forget it as long as I live. She has six kids, and only 3 talk to her including me. I am almost 50 and the hurtful things she said will remain in my mind. I am the only one who helps her financially when the others are actually wealthy and married and me, single and check to check. My son lives with her, and just found out he has been addticted to precription drugs. She has enabled him and protected him, and now that I want to put him in treatment, she sent the nastiest email saying that I was evil, never cared about him, manipultive, a bald face liar, and mocking me in a sence saying "i care so much about my mother". She brought up some other hurtful things in my life that I had no control over. I am very proud of myself, I didn't cry, as I am used to her mean remarks when I talk to her on phone. I have told her I will call her when I feel like talking and not every sunday like she demands. Other siblings haven't talked to her since 1999 for nasty letters they got. She did email the next day and said she wished she could take back everything she said. I will remember every word even long after she is gone. She has always thrown daggers at me, and even talks bad about me to my son. She has ruined my relationship with my son as well. I wish I could move a million miles away to escape. She gets on my nerves so bad, so instrusive, and now the abusive emails she sends. I just can't get out of my mind all the things she called me. It has forever changed our relationship for good. It will never be the same again.

Caregiverz: You need to get you and your children away from your mom. I wish you the best.

This is a great forum!

I have an emotionally/verbally abusive Mom who's tormented my oldest daughter last year with threats about me, badmouthing me and so forth. She even manipulated her into sex trafficking situations which landed her in foster care.

My Mom has a lot of power but I'm much smarter than she is, my confidence also comes from experience of being balanced and healthy (which she isn't). When I stand up to her and tell her that she's crazy for yelling at the top of her lungs when being calm is far more productive she recesses.

But she also retaliates in petty ways like leaving rusty nails in my bed, push pins in the carpet or tormenting my toddler with erratic behavior. My siblings accept her behavior and tolerate it in short intervals. But being that I'm the caregiver in the family Mom really tries to control me.

My biggest challenge is getting up from beneath her financially. If I could just land plentiful work, secure property I'd never look back, happy to move on with my life and teach my children the truth about Mom.

I have a verbal & physically abusive mother. She lives in a "mother-in-law" quarters on my sisters property. She has caused my sisters marriage to end in divorce with all her intrusions and abuse. My sister has tried to set boundries and it just causes my mother to be even meaner! Now my sister has a new boyfriend who comes over and my mother is abusive to him. My mom does not care who is around. I am talking about my sisters little children and her boyfriends 5 year old daughter. My mom's only income is Social Security which isnt much. I have told my sister to sell her house and pay mom the money she gave her to have the mother in law quarters built and have my mom go get a condo or something. My sister is reluctant to sell (memories) It seems they are all bad ones to me...But I feel this is the only way to get my mother off her property. My mother feels that since she paid for her own place and the pool that she can have full reighn of whatever she wants. I don't know how to covince my sister that this is the only way to get rid of her. My sister syas she could have her evicted for abuse, but I know she will never do it. I need some advise PLEASE!!

Jaccare - my mother is just like that. She is currently in assisted living and, of course, hates it! They don't do things quick enough or correctly enough, etc. All she does is complain and I have been putting up with this for so many years, I can't even fathom the number of days and hours I have wasted on her. I am an only child... so there are no bad siblings to even vent to. I have taken her on vacations.. that she has ruined, she has ruined every holiday in my childrens memories and she even told my daughter that "she was a disgrace and never should have been born".. the stories of emotional abuse are so many that I could never even begin to tell you all of them.. However, I recently began to see a therapist and she is slowly teaching me to put me and my family first.. I take care of her financial and medical needs - she is in a facility that takes care of her needs and I don't need to have her interferring with my family any longer. I see her when I can and talk to her on the phone, when I am mentally prepared.. other than that I keep my distance. SHE HATES IT!! since I have ALWAYS been at her beck and call, she can't and won't understand why I have backed off.. I have always wanted that sweet and loving mother who my kids could adore and have happy memories of.., but I finally get it.. that mothers does not exist, so no all I can do is protect my family from the mother that does exist and move on with my own life. I still feel guilty about not running over there every day and not answering the 20 phone calls a day, but at least I am doing it and learning that there is a life out there for me and my family that does not include being subjected to her abuse and ingratitude..
It's a long row to hoe.. but with fortitude, we can make this!!

Bless You for being so considerate of your Family, or at least trying to be of help.
My problems are similar in some ways...however, I'm slowly learning that it is my life and welfare that has to come first. In your case, you have a daughter to consider along with yourself. "We have to care for ourselves" or we cannot be of help to others. That includes your father's needs. First, you need to be secure in your own needs and care for your own health and mental state...nothing is more important. I wish for your success in achieving this goal first, caring for yourself. There is no other choice. I'm praying for you and others with my support.

give them a space and keep them there.